THE SEX SHOP MONOLOGUE

THE SEX SHOP MONOLOGUE

(10m)   by thomgoddard
 

Comedy Monologues   (4538 Views 4 Comments)

The Sex Shop

This is a monologue or duologue

 

The following is a true story. No, it really is.

 

One day a friend of mine asked me to come downtown and lend them a hand in their store. It was strange because I didn’t even know they had a store. But, as people say, ‘When a friend’s in need, you gotta help so they can succeed.’ Or something like that.

 

Anyway, I headed downtown to the address and imagine, to my amazement, that my friend’s place was actually an adult novelty store. You know, a sex shop. No wonder she/he’d never talked about what she/he sold at family engagements! Can you imagine Christmas? “Yeah grandma, I know crotchless panties may seem a little tasteless but you did tell me you only wanted something I could just pick up at work”.

 

Now, I don’t know about you but I’ve never been in an adult novelty shop before. And looking at you it’s obvious... well, by the looks of it, you probably have been in one before. But I hadn’t. So it was with some trepidation that I slowly opened the front door and went in. And my, what a sight. Erotic toys, every book about sex under the sun, clothes for all kinds of sexual fantasies and a whole smorgasbord of things to liven up your love life from board games to a full-size mechanical bull but with a naked man doll in, shall we say, ‘full arousal’. A gift for the lady/guy who has everything no doubt - yeeha! To many it was an ordinary store that catered to something we all do but no-one talks about but to me it was like entering a whole new world.

 

I walked, with disbelievingly wide eyes, through the store to the counter.

 

“Oh, thank you so much for coming to help me” said my friend.

 

“No problem. Erm, what is this place?” I asked.

 

“It’s the family business” she/he replied.

 

“Yes, very family orientated, a sex shop.”

 

My friend shook their head and laughed. 

“Don’t think of any of the things we sell as perverted. We just offer adult materials to discerning people” she/he said. “And in keeping with that, I asked you down here as I just need you to watch the shop for 10 minutes while I deliver the money we made on the weekend to the bank.”

 

“But hold on” I said. “I don’t know anything about running a store, let alone a sex shop.”

 

“Ah, there’s nothing to it” she/he said. “Basically, the golden rule is: everything is for sale.”

 

“Everything?” I said with a disturbed look on my face.

 

“Everything. And if it doesn’t have a price tag on it just guess how much to sell it for. If it doesn’t sell, it doesn’t matter. But if you can sell it, do it.”

 

After no more reassurance than a pat on the back, she/he grabbed the money, put me in place behind the seller’s counter and left the store to go to the bank. As the door was closing behind them a customer came into the shop. They looked around, seemingly a little embarrassed, and slowly moved through the place until they stood opposite me.

 

“Hello” they giggled, “I’m looking for something for my friend. You know, as a bit of joke”.

 

“Ok” I replied. “I’m new here so tell me what you’d like and I’ll try to help”.

 

“Well, I don’t know but I like the look of that shiny thing on the shelf behind you”.

 

I turned and picked up a silver vibrator.

 

“This one?” I asked, turning back. “Erm, let’s have a look. It’s called a ‘Silver Stallion’ and promises ‘All the pleasure, All the time”. There’s no price tag on it so shall we say $30?”

 

“That seems ok. And it will make my friend laugh”.

 

So they paid and hurried out of the shop. I was overjoyed - my first sale. Maybe I have a future in the sex industry. Oh, no! That’s not what I mean. Anyway, as I was putting the cash into the register another customer came in to the store but this one did not look around as they came straight up to the counter.

 

“I need something special for my partner’s birthday”.

 

“Yes, ok. Do you see anything you’d like? I mean, anything they’d like? Erm, anything you want to buy?”

 

“Wow, what’s that gold one?”

 

I looked down, through the counter’s glass top, and there was a gleaming, gold sex toy. I took it out, using only my finger-tips - I didn’t want to touch it, and read the label: ‘The Golden Heaven - guaranteed to take you to paradise’.

 

“That sounds like the one. And it looks expensive so it’s a perfect present. How much?”

 

“It’s $50”.

 

“You know... ok. It’s for a birthday.”

 

The customer gave me the cash, I put ‘The Golden Heaven’ in a bag, still using only 2 fingers, and they turned away from the counter. Another satisfied customer. I mean, they were satisfied by what they bought. I mean satisfied WITH what they bought. Happy, that’s it, another happy customer.

 

But before I could celebrate my now 2 sex shop sales another person was waiting. I didn’t see them come in to the store but standing in front of me was this nervous and nerdy looking individual. Reminded me of me - before I started working in the sex industry. Just 5 minutes ago.

 

“Can I help you?” I asked.

 

“Erm, yes. Thank you. I mean, please. Yes, please. I’m looking for something special”.

 

“Well, you’ve come to the right place” I said. “All the sales have been ‘special’ so far today. Who are you buying for, a partner...”

 

But before I could say another word this timid person interrupted with:

 

“Me. It’s for me.”

 

“OK”

 

“You see I’ve been having a bit of a bad time of late and I want something. Something naughty. Just for me. My little secret to cheer me up”.

 

“OK, no problem”.

 

“Oh good. The trouble is I don’t know what I’m looking for”.

 

“Well, have a look around and tell me what you like”.

 

But they didn’t move away from the counter.

 

“Well, you see, I’m a bit of comic book fan and I like that big, black one by the cash register.”

 

I looked over and laughed.

 

“Oh no” I said. “This isn’t for sale because it’s...”

 

But they interrupted me again:

 

“PLEASE, I really, really want it. And I’m prepared to pay anything”.

 

So remembering what my friend had said about everything being for sale I picked up the big, black thing by the cash register.

 

“You know, this is a specialist item. It’s one of a kind. I’m going to have to charge you a premium. It’s $150”.

 

“Oh my god. One hundred and fifty is so much. But, you know, owning this unique item will improve my state of mind. The thrill of owning something so naughty. And I suppose you only live once.”

 

So the last customer paid and left the store with a huge smile on their face. Just as my friend returned from the bank.

 

“Wow, that looks like one happy shopper. I take it you were ok being left here for 10 minutes?” he/she said.

 

“OK? I was more than ok. I’ve sold 3 things”.

 

“That’s amazing, what happened?”

 

“Well, I got $30 for a silver vibrator.”

 

“Nice.”

 

“Then I got $50 for a gold dildo.”

 

“Impressive.”

 

“And I got $150... for your Batman water bottle.”

 

THE END

 

 

NOTES: 

1. There are no set genders for any of the people in this story. Please adapt to your audience, if needed.

2. To make this a duologue - one person is the narrator and the other person plays the roles of the friend and the customers.

Comedy Type: Humor Type: Comedy Scene:
1 Person
Script Length: Post date: Script Market:
Public
Permission for use:
Permission required

Author's Message

Please contact me through iComedyTV if you want to use this script. No contact = no permission

Copyright Statement

Funny👍

Oscar Goddard


Comments

   

Submitted by Kali2725 on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 03:46
Hey Thom May I use your monologue in a drama competition?
Submitted by thomgoddard on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 05:32
@Kali - Absolutely. Use it and good luck!
Submitted by Brock.field04_12600 on Sun, 04/05/2020 - 18:24
Hey, this is an amazing script you have created, just wondering if I would be able to use it?
Submitted by thomgoddard on Mon, 04/06/2020 - 01:39
@Brock.field - thank you. Please do use it. What for? Let me know if it's anything I can see afterwards online anywhere. Cheers

1 Person 10m Comedy Monologues - THE SEX SHOP MONOLOGUE