Fade In
Front desk lobby of a modern luxury hotel
Front Desk Clerk:(25ish male with a broad smile) Welcome to The Last Resort, a suicide boutique hotel
Patron: (male 45, slightly disheveled) I?d like a room please
Front Desk Clerk: Well you are in the right place, we have a few holiday specials
Patron: (head down and soft spoken) ok
Front Desk Clerk: (Hands the patron a lengthy sheet of paper) We just need for you to fill out our check out, oops check in form
Front Desk Clerk: (abruptly) First I must ask you.Are you a foreign terrorist, if so then we ask you check into our new Forty Virgins? hotel just down the road.
Patron: No? (Looking confused)
Front Desk Clerk: (seriously) As I am sure you fully understand, we ask that you give us full room payment in advance
Front Desk Clerk: (pointing to the document) Also, please do not forget to fill out line number three, Next of Kin.
Front Desk Clerk: In case you haven?t decided how you will go, we do have several options
Front Desk Clerk: We have the jumper?s special, whereas we can provide you a room on one of our upper floors
Front Desk Clerk: (seriously) I must add we do charge a $45 dollar clean-up charge
Front Desk Clerk: (matter-of-fact) We also provide complimentary single edge razor blades in the bathroom if that is the way you choose to go.
Front Desk Clerk: Oh yes, if you desire, room service does have arsenic cookies or strychnine pie before you retire.
Front Desk Clerk: Although we do not have cable TV service, Our TVs do have 24hr non-stop television commercials or reruns of ?I Love Lucy? in the event you wish to bore yourself to death
Front Desk Clerk: (seriously) we ask that you do not remove the body bags stored in the room?s closets. Those are used by the housekeeping staff during checkout
Front Desk Clerk: Will you require last rites? We do have a non-denominational pastor on site.
Front Desk Clerk: And please do not unplug the toaster next to the bathtub, I am sure you understand
Front Desk Clerk: Oh yes, we do have paper and pen next to the nightstand in case you wish to write a farewell note.
Front Desk Clerk: Well, I guess that?s it. Do you have any other needs?
Patron: no
Front Desk Clerk: Well, then thank you for staying, although briefly at the Last Resort Hotel, you have a pleasant evening and come again?..oops I mean farewell?.
Fade Out
