Fade In - Front desk lobby of a not-so modern luxury hotel
Front Desk Clerk:(25ish male with a broad smile) Welcome to The Last Resort, a suicide boutique hotel
Patron: (male 45, slightly disheveled) I’d like a room please.
Front Desk Clerk: Well, you are in the right place, we have a few daily specials.
Patron: (head down and soft spoken) ok.
Front Desk Clerk: (Hands the patron a lengthy sheet of paper) We just need for you to fill out our check out, oops I mean our check in form.
Front Desk Clerk: (abruptly) First, I must ask you. Are you a foreign terrorist? If so then we ask that you check into our new Forty Virgins hotel just down the road.
Patron: (Looking confused) No.
Front Desk Clerk: (seriously) As I am sure you fully understand, we ask that you give us full room payment in advance.
Front Desk Clerk: (pointing to the document) Also, please do not forget to fill out line number three, next of kin.
Front Desk Clerk: In case you haven’t decided how you will go; we do have several available options.
Front Desk Clerk: We have the jumper’s special, whereas we can provide you a room on one of our upper floors. (seriously) I must add we do charge a $45 dollar clean-up fee.
Front Desk Clerk: (matter of fact) We also provide complimentary single edge razor blades in the bathroom if that is the way you choose to go.
Front Desk Clerk: Oh yes, if you desire, room service does have arsenic cookies or strychnine pie before you retire.
Front Desk Clerk: Although we do not have cable TV service, Our TVs do have 24hr non-stop television commercials or reruns of I Love Lucy in the event you wish to bore yourself to death
Front Desk Clerk: (seriously) We ask that you do not remove the body bags stored in the room’s closets. Those are used by the housekeeping staff during checkout.
Front Desk Clerk: Will you require last rites? We do have a non-denominational pastor on site.
Front Desk Clerk: And please do not unplug the toaster next to the bathtub, I am sure you understand.
Front Desk Clerk: Also, we do have paper and pen next to the nightstand in case you wish to write a farewell note.
Front Desk Clerk: Well, I guess that’s it. Do you have any other needs?
Front Desk Clerk: Well, then thank you for staying, although briefly at The Last Resort, you have a pleasant evening and come again. Oops, I mean farewell.