by Laura Sansom
You’re thinking I bet she’s going to talk about girly things whilst slouching in a kind of a caveman stoop in rebellion of having to put up with men’s behaviors these days. I know you men have to suffer us women but, well you know tuff.
I suffer from lady flu at least once a year and I take to my bed and do nothing around the house! The combination of what is usually a less harmful cold which then triggers either an allergic reaction or a sinus infection that would make you think your brain is going to burst through your eye sockets. The only concern you have is that you have just cleaned down the sides.
Anyway every year I tell you I end up ill, but have managed over time to lessen the effects and the length of the attack by putting together a little get well kit. Well this year I had to share my get well kit with him as he too was a bit ill. So there are these amazing sore throat tablets and they are all I ever purchase now, numbing with anesthesia and antibiotic they do the job. He was a little surprised that they worked but also how they worked. Declaring that his tongue was numb I said that would be the anesthetic. What do I do? He asks. I suggested count back from 10 and think of England, he was asleep, not that he struggles with sleep at any other inappropriate time.
Not so busy in doing physical activities and tasks but still busy in mind despite the head-pain and I wondered why we buy certain medicines and what use they have? Because let’s be honest sugar is bad for you yet a sore throat lozenge is a sugary substance we suck on as it’s a good thing for us ladies and if at any one point we got used to the sugar sharp taste that sticks to your inner cheeks and grates against your teeth someone decided an improvement on sucking this hard substance was too add an outpouring of liquid as a nice finish!
Then there is the decent stuff, the stuff that works, has its own life hack on YouTube or its own page on Facebook. You know it’s got value if it appears on an Instagram or Pinterest “How to” page. So apparently whatever brand of vapor rub you choose has great uses, more so than finally allowing me to breathe. It’s not a bad addition to any girls beauty regime don’t you know, great for the outbreak of spots. Highly rated as a bit of a miracle medicine, I think it’s wonderful that something that’s no more than menthol infused lube is great for your health.
Its breakfast and by the time the kids are out the door you go back to a bowl of cornflakes death by milk and a cup of cold tea you must of taken at least a slurp from cos there’s a lipstick mark around the rim or was it from the night before. In fact you are not even sure you recall buying that colour before. It looks a little slutty to be one of your usual purchases from the chemist. You shrug, not really too bothered about the chance there has been another women in your house assumably far sexier than you bearing in mind she wears “passion brazen red” on her lips, you’re more upset about the traumatized cereal and sadly no time to start over again if you are going to catch the train and get to work on time.
O.k. Ladies let me tell you something else. When your man actually remembers your birthday its not cos he’s a nice organised man with a well-kept diary. Its cos he happened to be on a night out with his mates, the crew of biscuit haters from Tesco’s no doubt. They run out of vodka for the red bull cos lets face it no one can drink Red Bull on its own, arsenic works just as well as vodka.
So they dash down the offie and grab all they can. As they exit the building your fella looks into the window of the shop next door, Clinton’s cards. Whilst he’s ogling the busty blonde on the oversized greeting card or telling one of his mates that the nagging women of the other card looks like the mother in law with a hint of ape about her and then the pop up programe in his head tells him he has 24 hours to get together a card and present cos its your birthday and he forgot till now. I’m sure the card shop and the off licenses have planned it all. Some kind of spiritual help from beyond town centre. If you’re lucky he may still remember in the morning and with hangover he will travel the world to get you a pressie, well to the other end of corner store anyway. It’s a big place when one is suffering from a hangover.
If the card shop / off licence combo didn’t work then the lady in the corner shop will be a mans last chance to be reminded it’s your birthday. “Hello Mr so and so do you not want a birthday card for the Mrs? I know you wouldn’t have forgotten like last year. You’re too smart for that.” So he grabs a card and some flowers from outside the shop. He realises he doesn’t have enough money for his original shopping so sacrifices the pack of ten cigarettes, pain killers and the ultimate hangover cure - a bottle of a brightly coloured sports drink.
If you’re really lucky your birthday might coincide with another big event that he has known about for at least a month, the start of the new series of Top Gear, you lucky, lucky girl.
So when things are going O.K. and well there are always elements of sods law. I mean why is it that fashion sales aren’t in your size and those patterned shoes you love only come with heels the height of the London eye. My job in the next life is to make flats fashionable.
And that sods law thing it’s like how on earth do the TV schedulers ever expect you to watch anything, as soon as I start channel hopping and wait to see if it’s an episode of NCSI Wherever I’ve seen it always end up being the adverts and then channel hop again and then there is the adverts again and you still wait to see if it’s an episode of Doctor Who you’ve seen. Then you find the series that spent so long being teased as coming soon you are now finding its at episode three and not yet available on catch up.
It’s such a shame that men can’t be on series link, reminder or on demand, they need all the help they can get and we need help too, we’re not innocent well not that we tell them that whilst we are running around town in stupidly tall heels with a wine spritz headache because tomorrow is his birthday.