Priest is about to wed a husband and a wife. He is just finishing up the ceremony.
Priest: Do you John Smith, take this here Josephine to be your wife for all days till death do you part?
Husband: Well, what do you think?
Priest (confused): I don't know.
Husband: Do you really think I brought 200 of my closest friends and relatives, who all by the way dressed in fancy clothes,
who all brushed their teeth and trimmed their beards, who spent gallons of perfume and hair products in order
to look pretty and smell nice, just so I can announce to the world that this is not the girl I want to marry? Do you
really think that is the case?
Priest: Well, I, I...
Husband: Another thing. Death.
Husband: Death. Death. Why would you even mention it in your question? This is a wedding. In case you didn't notice, word death is a little depressing.
I don't think it fits the occasion. It's more like a word you would mention at, oh here is the idea, the funeral or something.
Are you new at this?
Priest (quietly): No, but obviously you are. I wouldn't worry about it, just give it a couple of years of marriage, and death won't sound so depressing anymore.
Husband: And how the hell would you know? How many times have you been married?
Priest: I cannot marry. I'm a priest.
Husband: Well, ain't that just peachy. A single guy.
Priest: I just say what they tell me. Just for your information, I'm getting a lot of feedback from almost half of the guys I wed. They all basically say the same thing; wedding
rocks, marriage sucks.
Husband: And the other half?
Priest: Dead men tell no tales.
Husband: Damn. Don't you think you're exaggerating just a little.
Priest: A little maybe, but not too much. Speaking of exaggerating;do you really have 200 friends and relatives?
Husband: Well, it's pretty much everybody I know plus some weird people who look familiar but I have no idea who they are and what are they doing at my wedding ceremony.
Priest: That's normal. Believe me, I'm an expert for weddings and funerals.
Husband: Which ones do you like better?
Priest: Ah, let's see. Weddings.
Husband: Do you really have to think about it for so long?
Priest: Dude, I've got two confessions and a funeral after this. Can you just say I do. I'm only doing my job, you know.
Husband: Right, right. I do.
Priest: Do you Josephine?
Wife: Yes, of course.
Priest: In that case I have no other choice but pronounce you husband and wife. You can kiss the bride, but no tongue.
Wife: You forgot to say by the power vested in me...
Priest and Husband (together): Dude!
Husband: The food is getting cold.
Husband and wife kiss.
Priest: Any objections to this holy union. No? Very well, I'm out of here. I'll see you two later.
Husband: I hope not, you jinx.
Wife: Bye. Call me.
Husband: Call you?
Wife: Yeah, that's the same guy who does our honeymoon planning. You know what else, he is also a real estate agent. We can start looking for a house through him.
Husband: That's just brilliant, isn't it? I hope he's also on his way on becoming a doctor, so maybe he can deliver our babies one day.
Wife: I don't think that's the case, honey.
Husband: Well, good. And let me tell you, I'm certainly not doing the funeral ceremony in here. This guy sucks.
Wife: Honey, please.