The sketch starts in a two bedroom flat with a paranoid landlady (Edith) and her tenant (Mike).
Edith: Mike good morning
Mike: Morning Edith
Edith: Will you be leaving the house today
Mike: Yeah I will be going out around 11
Edith: When will you be home?
Mike: I can’t really say I have a lot to do.
What do you mean you can’t say?
Mike: I don’t know what time I will be home because I don’t know how long it will take for me to get all my things done.
Well that’s not good enough; you have to know what time you will be home because I want somebody here at all times.
Mike: Why is that?
Edith: Somebody is breaking into the house and I want to stop them.
Mike: Edith we have had this conversation before, nobody is breaking into the house, you have five locks on the doors.
(With a note of smugness)
Don’t tell me that. How do you explain the missing spoons, the open windows and my bed is never that messy?
Right, there is somebody in this neighbourhood who loves cornflakes, he has his cereal, milk and bowl but no spoon and the only way he can think of getting new spoons is to break into an old lady’s house down the road, steal her spoons and then thinks ‘I am a knackered so I’ll have a quick nap in her bed and open the windows because it’s quite stuffy in here.’
Are you trying to be smart? Do you want to get chucked out?
(Standing down immediately)
I’ll be home at 4.
Edith: Good now put the TV on for me, I want to watch Crimewatch today they are doing a special on break-ins and armed robbery.
Mike is in his bedroom and Edith has just finished having a shower.
There is noise coming from the shower, Edith is tinkering with the taps and shower head.
Edith: The shower is not working, what have you done to it?
Edith: Did you touch it?
(In a blaming tone)
Aha! I knew it what did you do?
I held it above my head so the water can wash the soap off my body.
Edith: I didn’t mean it that way
What other way can you touch a shower?
Edith: Never Mind
Its 4:30 and Mike has just come home, he is tired and works the 5 locks on the door. He opens the door but to his exasperation realises he forgot to turn off the alarm. After 20 minutes he finally gets it off and walks in.
Mike: Hello Edith, are you home?
He is met with silence
Oh thank goodness she isn’t in. I think I will have that left over Chinese from yesterday.
He walks in to the kitchen opens the fridge and is surprised and horrified to find that Edith has thrown away his Chinese and put in a loaf of bread instead.
Fuming, Mike walks to the living room to use the telephone only to find that she has locked the door as well as all the windows and his room.
Waiting in the corridor for 2 hours Mike is quite angry when Edith walks in.
Edith could you open my door for me
Edith: Why are you so angry? Don’t you know I am protecting us?
Mike: Protecting us from what?
Edith: Thieves who would break in
(In a resigned voice)
How does locking all the doors protect us?
Edith: Well people won’t be able to get in and steal from us
What valuable thing do you have in the bathroom, may I ask?
Edith: They might have climbed the window in the bathroom
The 12” wide window in the bathroom? They were going to climb through that
Edith is in the kitchen preparing her dinner and Mike comes in
Edith: Yes what do you want?
Mike: Why did you throw away my Chinese Takeaway?
Oh yeah I thought you didn’t want that anymore
Mike: Of course I did it was in the fridge
Edith: I am sorry but you shouldn’t be wasting money on that stuff anyway
Mike: Well I am wasting a lot of money seeing as I didn’t get to finish it.
Mike makes himself a meal of rice and curry and Edith is looking at it with hunger in her eyes
Give me some
Edith: Give me some of your rice
Mike gives her a couple of spoons of his dinner. She looks at her plate with disgust
(In a scolding voice)
As an adult you should have asked if I would like more now give me more.
After a few minutes Edith calls him into the living room
Edith: Mike please can you fix the telephone
He picks up the cordless telephone and examines it
Mike: The battery is dead, what happened I thought I charged it this morning?
Edith: Oh yeah, I take the phone out
Edith: Because somebody might steal it
Mike: It’s a telephone bought 5 years ago who wants that
Edith: People steal a lot of things Mike
Mike: Yeah but not ancient telephones
Edith: Anyway I want to protect myself against phone hacking
Mike: Umm the journalists who hack phones really want to know secrets about top profile celebrities not pensioners in London.
Edith: I am not taking any chances
Mike: Suit yourself, I am going to bed
Edith: Don’t put the computer on or you will disturb the neighbours downstairs
Mike: Its 10:30pm and they are playing heavy metal at full blast, I don’t think a running PC would disturb them.
Edith: Don’t argue with me if you use the PC so much I will have to raise your rent.