F/X- Tinkling of shop bell
SHOPKEEPER: Yes we can order you the green cloche madam, no problem at all. It should be here within two weeks, we have to order from our suppliers in Paris you see.
WOMAN: That?s fine I have 3 weeks until the wedding
SHOPKEEPER: Just pay on collection madam. If I may take your name and number to contact you when the hat has arrived
WOMAN: Certainly, it?s Featherstone-Haugh, Whitechapel 36712. May I survey your shop a little longer as I will look for a hat for my daughter
SHOPKEEPER: Certainly madam
F/X ? Man and woman whispering
WOMAN: Are you sure this is the place?
MAN:Positive Charlotte, stop panicking
WOMAN: It better be
SHOPKEEPER:May I help you?
MAN:Er yes we?re, I?m after a trilby
SHOPKEEPER: Very good sir, our trilby collection is over her...
MAN: (coughing) A treacle trilby
SHOPKEEPER: I beg your pardon sir
WOMAN: My husband is interested in a treacle trilby
MAN: (Whispering) Leave it to me dear
SHOPKEEPER: I?m sorry sir, I?ve been a Milliner for over 40 years and I have never heard of such a (changing tack) Oh yes goodbye madam I will ring you when the hat is in (tinkling of door bell)...follow me!
F/X- Door opening, light being switched on and the three descending some creaky wooden steps
SHOPKEEPER:Now before we go any further do you happen to know what my favourite dog is this week and what?s his name?
WOMAN: (excitedly) IT?S A CHIHUAHUA, A CHIHUAHUA CALLED GERALD!
MAN: Calm down Charlotte
SHOPKEEPER:Very good my dear.
F/X ? Large key being found on a chain to open a substantial and old sounding lock.
WOMAN: How much money have you brought Giles, how much? How much?
MAN: Charlotte please contain yourself
WOMAN: Contain myself have you seen what?s in here, Mr Kipling?s, Aunt Bessie?s,...
SHOPKEEPER:As you can see we have a good supply here. This prohibition on puddings is a long way from being lifted according to government inside sources. The morbidly obese are growing and the government will do what they can to contain it
WOMAN: Bloody fatties spoiling it for everyone, they should just go and live on a big fat island somewhere and sink. Oh Giles, look over here at the sponge puddings.
SHOPKEEPER: Yes we have just had a delivery, there?s chocolate, syrup, treacle and summer fruit madam, they?re all there.
WOMAN: I want them all Giles; I want one of each....pleeeeease
MAN: How much?
SHOPKEEPER: Security and border controls are tighter than ever these days and after that brandy snap bust in Dover last week, well..
MAN: Come on
SHOPKEEPER: Ten guineas....each
SHOPKEEPER: Like I said sir it?s a black market that?s getting blacker
MAN: But ten guineas?
SHOPKEEPER: Your wife wants all 4 sir
WOMAN: Oh I do Giles
MAN: I?ll give you 30 guineas for all 4?
SHOPKEEPER: The best I can do is all 4 for 35 guineas and I?ll throw in this
F/X ? Rustling of a packet
SHOPKEEPER: Bird?s finest custard sir, it?s pure. Rub some on your gums you?ll see it?s not that happy gold rubbish they sell on the streets. That stuff has been cut with Lemsip, I can?t believe the fools that snort that or heat it up in spoons in those custard dens, they?re dicing with death.
MAN: Wow it is pure
WOMAN: Oh just give him the money Giles
MAN: Ok sir here?s your 35 guineas, let?s have a look inside one of those puddings, it could be some Smart Price shit for all I know or even a Whoops!
SHOPKEEPER: Very well sir (rustling)
WOMAN: Oh they?re the real thing Giles you can smell them
SHOPKEEPER: I?ll bag them up for you sir and put in the half pound of Bird?s gold dust. If you?re interested I know of a shipment of Vienetta that?s due in next week.
WOMAN: Original or mint?
SHOPKEEPER: I think the first shipment is of mint
MAN: Never mind just let us know when the original comes in
SHOPKEEPER:Now please leave by the back door and if anyone asks I am simply the finest purveyor of everyday and luxury hats in London
MAN: Ok thank you sir. Now Charlotte just contain yourself until we get home
WOMAN: Oh come on Giles, let me enjoy this, the nearest I have been to a pudding in 14 months was that back alley rhubarb crumble and that was neither rhubarb nor bloody crumble.