Cast of Characters
Cook - a funny, inexperienced baker who has absolutely no idea what he/she is doing. Food Critic - must be able to keep a straight face during jokes.
FOOD CRITIC: Hello, what will I be tasting?
COOK: A pie, of course!
FOOD CRITIC: I see.
(The cook takes out a big bowl and a spoon. There is also a cheese grater, eggs, lettuce, chalk, bread, and milk on the table. A garbage can is next to the food critic.)
COOK: First the chalk.
FOOD CRITIC: The CHALK?
COOK: Yes, yes.
(The cook pulls out the cheese grater.)
FOOD CRITIC: Are you SURE you're experienced?
COOK: Oh, yes, how do you work this stupid thing?
FOOD CRITIC: Uh,
COOK: Oh, well!
(The cook places the chalk in the bowl.)
FOOD CRITIC: What's next?
COOK: This pie needs to be as light as a garden salad, soooo,
FOOD CRITIC: (Almost gagging) LETTUCE?
COOK: Oh, THAT'S what you call this green rabbit treat.
FOOD CRITIC: Yeah... have you ever made a pie before?
FOOD CRITIC: You sure?
COOK: EGGS next! This is gonna taste gooood!
FOOD CRITIC: Oh, so, now, we're doing the eggs, butter, flour, sugar combination?
COOK: What's that?
FOOD CRITIC: I'm starting to doubt the "experienced" part of this.
COOK: Oh, don't worry. I've been doing this for a LONG time.
FOOD CRITIC: Okay then.
(The cook drops the eggs in the mix, shells and all.)
FOOD CRITIC: Not the shells!
COOK: They give it that DELICIOUS crunchy texture.
FOOD CRITIC: Blech...
COOK: Yep! Oooh, this is my favorite part!
FOOD CRITIC: The part where you make it taste good?
COOK: No, silly, the BREAD!
FOOD CRITIC: BREAD!?
FOOD CRITIC: You don't seem,
FOOD CRITIC: Yeah.
COOK: Oh, I am!
(The cook drops a full loaf of bread into the mix. He/she hands the bag to the food critic)
COOK: Hold this.
FOOD CRITIC: Uh, okay.
COOK: Like all the EXPERIENCED say, there's no chance of a good pie without dairy!
FOOD CRITIC: So, you're adding milk?
(The cook dumps milk into the bowl and pours the mix into a pie pan)
(The cook goes to put the pie-pan into the toaster-oven.)
FOOD CRITIC: Wait! Aren't you going to add sugar?
COOK: No, why?
FOOD CRITIC: Because if you were experienced, you'd know that...
COOK: I AM experienced!
(The cook shoves the pie-pan into the small toaster-oven, and almost immediately pulls out a new pie.)
COOK: Mm, you're going to like this!!
FOOD CRITIC: I don't know about that.
(Reluctantly the food critic takes a bite and starts to gag.)
COOK: So... how is it?
FOOD CRITIC: It's... (choking) so... (making disgusted faces), delicious - OH GOD!
(The food critic pulls off the cook's hat and spits the pie into it)
EXIT FOOD CRITIC
COOK: I TOLD her I wasn't experienced. She shouldn't have tried my FIRST PIE! Maybe I should've used a recipe...
(The cook takes off her hat and tries a lick of the pie from inside)
COOK: Chalk. It needed more chalk.