INT. WHITE HOUSE ROOM - DAY
BRAD, 21, a White House intern is wearing a suit and a mask and running the latest Coronavirus Task Force Briefing with Ayush a local pre-med student.
BRAD
Alright, welcome to today's Coronavirus Taskforce Briefing. I will be joined by our medical expert Ayush, together, we will try to answer everyones questions.
JEFF
You guys look a little young to be running this briefing. May I ask your exact qualifications?
BRAD
Really? Might be the mask I'm wearing, here, I can take it off.
BRAD removes his mask while the reporter and Ayush look on in concern.
AYUSH
Well, right now, I've been studying a bit of everything. I did get a B+ in organic chemistry.
JEFF
Did you say B+? Are you even a doctor?
SAGAR
Almost, I am.
JEFF
Care to elaborate?
SAGAR
I'm actually well on my way to finishing my undergraduate degree. Pre-health, of course. I was also a lab apprentice for Dr. Fauci.
JEFF
Speaking of the man, where exactly is he?
AYUSH
The new Animal Crossing game was released on Switch, so he's been practicing social distancing while I take over for him.
JEFF
Just to be clear, we have a college student who isn't even a doctor yet running the disease protocol?
SAGAR
Actually, I want to become a veterinarian. I just havn't told my father yet. He would be deeply dissapointed.
BRAD
Learn to share the room, Jeff. We're not here to play 21 questions with Ayush. I believe the other reporter also has something to say.
CHUCK
Thank you, Chuck Hughes from Barstool Sports, 'Rona Division. Brad, this question is for you.
BRAD
Don't mean to cut you off but 'Rona divison?
CHUCK
Yeah, formally Women's Rugby. Though, we were barely treading watah before the outbreak. Since I was the only one on our staff with a college degree they are having me cover shit this now. University of American Samoa class of 2018.
CHUCK
Anyway, back to my question. What do you think this upcoming Darty season will be like?
JEFF
Darty?
EVERYONE
(in unison)
Day Party
AYUSH
(in a thick Indian accent)
Fucking Boomer
BRAD
Great question Chuck. The best part about Darties is that they take place outside, so there's really no better way to distance yourself. Additionally, most standard drinking game tables are 6 feet long. I'm not the medical expert, though, for that we gotta go back to Ayush.
JEFF
But he isn't either?
AYUSH
Very good point with the 6 foot long tables. While I agree that Darties will be safe, I still don't think anyone should be sharing drinks.
BRAD
Nobody drinks out of your cups anyway, your beer of choice is Rolling Rock.
AYUSH
Don't you come at Rolling Rock like that, you just can't appreciate the complex flavor profile.
BRAD
Dude, it tastes like soggy peanuts and you know it.
Jeff hides his Rolling Rock beer. Chuck writes notes in his notepad.
CHUCK
Top three beers, everyone, go!
BRAD
Game on. Alright, Natural Light, Natural Ice, and my favorite, Miller High Life.
CHUCK
Hey, it's the "Champaign of Beers", I gotta respect that. Ayush, what about you?
AYUSH
Rolling Rock, of course. Michelob Ultra and Busche Light for my next two.
JEFF
This is BS. Guys could we stick to the coronavirus?
AYUSH
Not before you name your top three beers.
CHUCK
I bet all he drinks is weird ass IPA's.
JEFF
Hey, IPA's are not weird, they are just not for everyone. Besides, if I'm ever gonna grab a cheap beer, I at least want it to taste good.
AYUSH
Cheap beer can taste good?
JEFF
Of course, you gotta try Carlsburg, it's a Danish beer. I think it's probably the best beer in the world.
CHUCK
Alright there, Welfare State.
JEFF
Don't you young people want free universal health care?
BRAD
Libtard Alert. I have to remind you that, although he's not here, this is still President Trump's Press Conference.
AYUSH
I still want universal healthcare.
BRAD
(muttering to Ayush)
Ayush, we talked about this, you gotta be careful saying those things around here. Pence might hear you.
JEFF
Alright well, what are the current plans for opening the country? Will you guys be issued a nationwide lockdown or are you leaving it to a state by state basis?
BRAD
I think we will be maintaining the state by state protocol.
CHUCK
Oh, I love the state by state stuff. Like Boston is locked down so I just drove to New Hampshire to spend time with my parents.
BRAD
That's a great idea, you can't forget to contact your elder loved ones during these times. They need all the hugs they can get.
AYUSH
Actually, I think we should be avoiding elders? I've heard they are more prone to the virus.
JEFF
(sarcastically)
Oh, did you learn that in one of your pre-med classes?
AYUSH
No, actually, I heard that in a commercial.
CHUCK
Oh! You heard that one too? What were they even advertising?
AYUSH
I don't even know, it's just so catchy.
CHUCK
(singing along)
Even if you wash your hands, the elderly just can't withstand. Grandma, Grandpa, ya Auntie too. They're all gonna die from the Corona Flu.
JEFF
Jesus, that's dark. What network even airs that?
CHUCK
What do ya mean? Spike, Fox, and Disney if you would believe it.
JEFF
Disney?
BRAD
Well yeah, they have a lot of young viewers. So, they need to make sure the kids stay away from the older people.
AYUSH
Any other questions?
JEFF
Yes!
AYUSH
Anyone?
JEFF raises his hand on the zoom call.
JEFF
Yep, right here.
AYUSH
Nobody?
CHUCK
Alright, sure, I could ask another.
AYUSH
Great.
CHUCK
Sports.
(a beat)
JEFF
That wasn't even a question.
CHUCK
Oh shut ya mouth ya fuhkin Boomah. Are the sox gonna be playing this summah?
AYUSH
Pardon me, sir? What sox are you referring to?
BRAD
I lived in Boston for a year, I think he's referring to whether or not sports will be allowed.
CHUCK
Oh ya, bud.
BRAD
Perfect, yeah, I'll take this one. Mr. President has been speaking to all the major sports leagues, and soccer trying to find a plan.
JEFF
Oh real funny Brad, soccer isn't a major sport now?
CHUCK
You must be quite the journalist if you havn't figured that one out by now.
AYUSH
Good Golly, no Jeff. The four major sports are Football, Basketball, Hockey, and Cricket.
CHUCK
I'll watch anything you can bet on.
AYUSH
You and me both brother.
BRAD
Alright, guys. I think we accomplished a lot today. That should do it? I'm gonna go grab a beer.
JEFF
Wait, I got one more question?
BRAD
Full of questions this guy. What do you have for us now?
JEFF
Experts say we need around 2 million daily tests if we want to start to see improvement and we are currently only testing 200,000 people across the country. How do you suppose we can improve our testing capabilities?
CHUCK
This fuckin guy has been testing me all day.
AYUSH
Yes, yes yes. I've got the solution. Last night I got super high and came up with a new plan. I've heard that dogs are immune to the disease and as everyone knows, dogs are man's best friend.
(a beat)
JEFF
Are you high right now, Ayush?
AYUSH
A little, I am.
BRAD
Oh, what a great friend you are. You said you were all out last night.
AYUSH
Like I was gonna share my premium bud with my coworker.
BRAD
Wow, coworker, I see how it is. That's cold.
AYUSH
You're right, I'm sorry. Would you like to come over now, I still have some left.
BRAD
And apparently, none of us were on mute. On a completely unrelated note, I have to end this briefing now.
CHUCK
Wait, can I join?
AYUSH
Of course, just bring your own piece. We don't want to catch the 'Rona.
