What If I Hit The Skunk

What If I Hit The Skunk

(7m)   by Fun4all

Comedy Monologues   (73849 Views 6 Comments)

Man what's up with skunks? Skunks are some crazy animals. Skunks can foreal get away with anything. Even a lion isn't stupid enough to mess with a skunk, that's when you know that your at the top of the food chain. Like seriously have you ever seen a person move in the direction of a skunk? No cause nobody's trying to sit all alone in their basement for 3 weeks taking 5 showers a day with no human interaction besides Facebook. Like hey man have you seen john lately he hasn't been to work in 2 weeks. Well word around the office is that Timmy heard the boss talking to john and apparently he got sprayed by a skunk. Like ohh man no one wants to be that guy am I right. Sitting at home thinking of that stupid skunk over and over again. Little shit head that thinks with his butt. Man skunks are truly scary. Like if you ever want to win in a gang fight you have to make sure that you bring your skunk with you,trust me it's less bloody and works better than tear gas. Jambi on the other gang will be talking to his buddy's like I hearted the jiggy's got that afghan skunk now man they are as mean and harsh as they get. Pablo be having us sit in a domed out room full of that afghan skunk spray for hours to be able to withstand the mighty afghan scent that comes from that apex predator. Like skunks are weird foreal. They run around everywhere and spray some alien poop scent that will make you look over at the person next to you thinking that they ate some sour fehittas . I thought that once. I was driving to the gym and I know my friend drinks these protein shakes before the gym and we're driving with the windows down and all the sudden I smell this crazy scent man, it almost made me crash my car. When I was looking at my friend I was thinking like wow that was a mean shake we have the windows down and everything. Like wow are you going to a body building competition or something? I wonder if that happens a lot to people. Like I wonder how that convo with the cop would have went if I crashed my car. Officer would come onto the scene and ask you so how'd you crash your car while filling out the police report. Like what are you suppose to say to the man? Me and my friend were on the way to the gym and all the sudden I thought the protein shake he drank before he got int my car got the best of him. I looked over at him so fast sir and keep in mind I was obviously traumatized and in shock so my arm couldn't move and to be honest the skunk is a mean animal. Wow right. This man would get like a career mood reset that day foreal. He will feel like it's his first day at the academy all over again where he was young and ambitious about being a hero and busting the wiz khalifas on the street. He will love his job for the rest of his life because that story will get him through all the b.s that goes with being a cop every time he thinks about that police report. He'd straight make a mp3 video and download it to his ipod and watch it every day on the way to the station, after he gets off, while he's jogging, at home,on a road trip or when he's on vacation. I'll be with him for the rest of his life after that incident, but I might feel bad later on in his life when he's fighting his addiction of watching the video after his wife caught him in the closet watching the video at 3am and told him that she's leaving him if she catches him watching it one more time. He'd be on a relapse on the way to dropping the kids off at soccer practice one day. He'd be like hey Haley can I borrow your phone for a minute after I drop you off and I'll give it right back I have to make an important call to my boss real quick. Then she'd be like no dad. And he'd be like what do you mean no young lady? She'd be like dad mom warned us this would happen when we're alone with you, your 2 weeks clean don't ruin your streak now. And mom deleted the videos from your ipod and computer so you can't watch the videos anyway. Then she'd be like but mom also warned us that you might have uploaded that video to YouTube. She'd be like did you upload that video to YouTube daddy? Like wow Haley already knows he's not going to make no phone call to the station. He'd be sitting there thinking of his account that has one uploaded video set to private and be like no what do you mean Haley? I'm going to make a very important call there is no such thing as a cop with YouTube accounts come on now I thought you were on the honoroll young lady. He'd be sitting there thinking he won the argument with his little girl after she agrees to give him her phone. Then he'd pull up to let them out and Haley would be like and oh hey dad, mom told me that you were really good at persuading people because of your Job nature and told me if I ever gave up my phone to you for an "important call", I would have to supervise you while you were using it but that should be no problem because your not going to watch a YouTube video from 5 years ago are you dad? She'd have the puppy dog eyes and everything. At that point I Am The Law123 will be reanalyzing every detail of his life to make sure that his wife isn't an ex navy seal. Like wow she's got this 5 year old girl following orders like a sergeant. He'd be thinking Haley really is going to be a seal when she grows up foreal. Like she follows orders to the last detail, she interrogates all casual while referring to her moms warnings, she knew how to capture that lieing enemy at the end while referring to her mothers other warning. For gods sake this 5 year old girl even used words like supervise, persuading and even job nature. Like man I Am The Law123 can't even mess with Haley she's trained on an another level from her mystery ex seal mother gone back to the real world. Haley will be sitting there all casual not knowing that she just set him straighter than a green stoplight. But come on why are we only thinking of the negative outcomes of the incident? The video could have really benefited him and his family. That might have made him the happiest man in history every time he watched it again. Who knows maybe he'll have his whole family on video. And the cool thing about if the video does really help him in life that will be like you just helped a man with a rough job out so you know your going to heaven already. After that day we both would have great memories to take away in life. I will go to heaven for helping him out and he will have a mp3 video that will put him in a great mood all day. Well hopefully he doesn't crash his car from laughing too hard because I don't know what that insurance policy is on the heaven ticket deed. Talking about insurance, what would have my insurance thought when they double read the police report? Haha. After the insurance agent settles down from laughing after you told him your story for the second time he will gather himself and give it his best shot to fill out an insurance claim. The insurance lady would call you and on the phone you keep hearing a sound of the mic coming off and her giggling really hard. You'd be there feeling like a hooligan. She'd get back on the phone and she'd be like sorry our new headphones are really messed up they cut out and make static noises. Then you'd be sitting there thinking does this lady foreal not know that I hear her taking off her mic every sentence? Like come on lady if you told me that your new mics made Barnie giggling noises then I might have believed you but you blew your shot you unprofessional slap happy women, but you also wouldn't be able to blame her because imagine reading a police report that states that you crashed your car because you thought your friends shake got the best of him. Isn't it funny that I'm still talking about the same joke? Haha you guys are like wow he really is still talking about the same joke but then you'd be like it's still funny so umm I don't care haha. The funniest thing is that none of that stuff happened all I did was look at my friend, swerved, discussed the foul smell, realized that it was a skunk after his explanation, decided that we can still be friends and got to the gym safe and skunk free never to encounter a skunk after that day.

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Submitted by clive (not verified) on Sat, 07/19/2014 - 06:55
wow... just awesome
Submitted by Jennifer (not verified) on Fri, 12/19/2014 - 00:48
i was wondering if i could use this monologue for Christmas so i can give my family a show
Submitted by kara (not verified) on Fri, 05/29/2015 - 04:25
I really didn't get a first then i stared to get it it was really funny to me when he thought it was his friend
Submitted by kara (not verified) on Fri, 05/29/2015 - 04:27
I wish it happened to me in real life!
Submitted by King (not verified) on Fri, 11/27/2015 - 05:09
Hi. I go to a school in Milwaukee, Wi. I'm in forensics, and choose solo humorous. I read this and thought it was hilarious. Could I use it for my forensics meet? Thanks!
Submitted by holly.spires_13425 on Tue, 01/05/2021 - 08:31
Hello, I would like to use this monologue for an acting audition/competition. May I? Thank you for considering.

7m Comedy Monologues - What If I Hit The Skunk