Hi, I?m Ian, I?m from Brazil, and I?m slightly drunk. It means you?ll probably not understand anything that I?ll say here tonight. When this happens, because it will, you can do exactly what I do when someone speaks to me in English and I don?t understand what they say: Smile, and point to a hot girl around to change subject. But here you don?t need to point to a hot girl especially because I?m the one that can see all the hot ones from here! That?s a good one right there! Here you just have to laugh; we can even have a deal: Every time you laugh when you don?t understand a joke I point a hot one for y'all.
But I?m not scared of being here. I?ve been practicing for this night my whole life! At least since I turn 16, which is when I learned how to deal with my problems,? and drink. Being here performing my first monologue is exactly like my life: A drunk guy doing unnecessary jokes while nobody gives a shit.
I was trying to write the script for tonight getting ideas from what I've been experiencing in my life. After few minutes I was totally convinced that my life is a completely joke! But I?m not sad. I?m not sad at all. At least it will be good for the business!
I didn't tell my mom that I?m trying to work with comedy yet. Because I already know what she will say. It will probably be something like this:
Me: - I?m thinking about working with comedy mom!
Mom: - What make you think people would pay you to see you on a stage? Your life is a joke and didn't brought you anywhere!
Normal Stand-Up comedians, I said normal, they like to talk about common subjects, so this way more people will relate that with themselves. Well, I guess you already noticed that I?m not part of the normal ones. If you didn't, there?s a great chance that you?ll get disappointed! Because I?m selfish, I want to talk about MY stupid ass! Not about YOUR stupid asses!