The Immaculate Erection

The Immaculate Erection

(2.5m)   by andleiby

Comedy Monologues   (32719 Views 3 Comments)

A few months ago, me and my wife were at a doctors appointment of mine.  Now, I've had my fair share of medical diagnosis over the years.  For one I'm a "certified Nut".  I've had ADHD and so on.  And they always seem to have a pill for everything that doesn't do much of anything.  Well, I take that back the "anti-nut" pill I take makes it hard for me to get an erection.  So, my beautiful wife decided to chirp at this appointment and put me and my limp dick right out on Front street.  She threw me and limpy right "under the bus".  So, good old Dr. Dildo says we can give him a pill for that, too.  Well, we go home I take this pill Viagra and this pill created a boner that could knock out Mike Tyson.  I mean, you couldn't chop this "woody" down with a chain saw.  I could probably hop on out to the flower bed outside sprinkle some of this pill and have a boner popping out of the ground in 20 minutes.  So needless to say, me and the "old lady" had quite a fun night with this new found "immaculate erection".  But, as any good pill does my "boner meds" ran out.  Then, an "all points bulletin" went off in my mind.  Actually, it went off in both my minds.  And what this alarm was saying was that now the "immaculate erection" is the preferred boner. And I'm sorry mother nature just can't hang and I mean just can't hang with that kind of boner.  I mean this pill could get a 90 year old man who forgot that he had a penis out "hunting for pussy" in his walker.  So, as cool as it was, when the bottle ran dry.  I realized I had a "pussy pleasing problem".  Your damn right the 3 P's that no man alive ever wants to face.  Talk about take your "manhood" . 
    Now, I knew I didn't have enough time to keep the "pussy at bay".  Before I could get back to the doctor for some more "boner medication".  So, let this be a lesson gentlemen if you ever take one of these pills and run out you better be ready for the "Now you need a pill to get hard" lecture.  And this just so happened to be an all night lecture that took place with my neighbors posted up right on the other side of our cardboard wall.  And of course, with the "old miser" screaming at the top of her lungs.  Talking about her "tapped out by Viagra" limp dick which by the way is hunched over in her hand, at the moment.  Limp as all fuck, with the most disgusted look she ever gave me or my cock.  So, I was "punked" with the ultimate let down that no man wants especially when broadcasted live throughout the apartment complex.  Now, every time I leave the house I try to change my appearance.  I know my fucked up neighbors, they were listening why the sudden interest in giggling at my mid section?  You just can not run the fuck out.  Unless, you got a damn good plan on how to keep the 3 P's at bay.  What was so great can make a man so insecure.  Basically, it just took what made me a man and turned me into "the artist formerly known for an erection".  
     Now, my neighbors mumble "limpy" when they see me.  Good looking out Viagra.  With all the warning labels they put on medication you would think that they would give you a big heads up by stating, "Don't Run the Fuck Out".  Or, you'll have no head up and the 3 P's are gonna get your ass.  Don't lie to yourself either.  That fucking pill could get a Clydesdale hard.  And shit, after you "break bread" and take one for the first time.  You better set aside the time for a 4 hour fuck fest with your girl.  Unless, you like walking around banging into shit "cock first".  I tried to open the refrigerator and my cock made it in before me.  It was like my cock was driving my body all over the house like "I would leave your ugly ass behind if I could".  It's the most unnatural boner you could ever imagine.  I didn't know what the fuck to do.  I kept saying to myself "what am I gonna do with this fucking boner?"  I just needed somewhere to put this thing.  Fucking pill has my cock bumping into shit.  So eventually, I went outside and dug "a boner hole".  Yeah, I just layed

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Submitted by Need a Hook David L (not verified) on Wed, 12/04/2013 - 17:15
This is and has been evaluated and highly regarde as a great piefe of humor. Please I know some find choice of workds offensive but listen in 2014 this is appropriate I dont write these jokes to personally offend any person or group of people if you write good modern jokes u will always find critiques that bash you for sounding boligerant alot of people want this script but i will need personal contact with anyone wishing to use this. It[s got a ton of potential if tweaked even more.
Submitted by Evan (not verified) on Fri, 01/10/2014 - 14:29
David L-Need a Hook I want to ask if it is permissible to use this piece of work for a audition that I will be doing to get into a post secondary acting program. Thank you for your response!
Submitted by simon jones (not verified) on Thu, 11/20/2014 - 00:45
Hi I was wondering if I can see the full monologue and script please. I have a LAMDA exam next year and would really like to use this piece. Thank you

2.5m Comedy Monologues - The Immaculate Erection