Swimming Pools

Swimming Pools

(2.5m)   by restisaweapon

Comedy Monologues   (53982 Views 4 Comments)

I need to exercise, I don?t like running so I figured I?d try out swimming

but not just the wave pool, jump on a mat swim, I need to get some exercise.
So I go to the ?lane swim time.'
Have you seen this?

They?re an organized group of swimmers in lanes fast, medium and slow lanes.
It?s like a Machine. Swim up on the right come back on the left, pass in the middle.
Oh and you better make sure you?re in the correct lane.

The Fast lane, this is for your serious swimmers, competitive, ruthless.

They know how to do those somersault flip turns.

The 'Medium speed swimming' Lane.

This lane is mostly full of 'Fast lane' rejects cuz everyone thinks they?re fast.

But these disqualified fakers got embarrassed out of the Fast lane by the really fast swimmers continually passing them.

The fast swimmers love this. They don't actually say it but you know their thinking it...

*oh, passed you again, have a nice day*

Now if a Medium swimmer doesn't get the message and change lanes....

They're in for that special visit from the Lifeguard - the ultimate pool embarrassment.

Having been identified as too slow for the lane the authorities have now arrived

Because of the noisy environment the Lifeguard has to shout and everyone can hear....

"This is the Fast Lane!"

"What?" they say, pretending not to hear.

"The Fast lane! You need to move over with these swimmers!",

Pointing at the slower swimmers of the Medium speed lane.

Michael Phelps' clones continue to rush by, doing those flip turns.

Humiliated the demoted swimmer slips under the lane rope, back to their own people,

.....the medium... the mediocre.

Finally, there is the slow lane.

Usually renamed with something like "Leisure lane"

because it wouldn't be nice to call someone slow.

These swimmers don't put their heads in the water.

They paddle their merry way along, usually in the standing position,

Some have that neon pool noodle wrapped around them

Every ounce of energy used to keep that head above water..

and after 5 minutes and no forward movement,

They'll reach over and start pulling themselves along with that lane rope.

Back on sturdy ground, they go back to what they know....the Hot tub.

Peeing in the pool is popular as well.

Statistics say 70% of swimmers admit to peeing in the pool.

Seventy Percent of you! *scan audience in disgust*

With these kinds of numbers supporting peeing in the pool,

Why continue ignoring the issue, instead we should embrace it.

Now a days, with all these waterpark features... Surf riders, slides, lazy rivers and wave pools,

maybe we could .......

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Submitted by Allyra on Mon, 07/04/2011 - 01:14
Hi Don, I LOVE your work!! I am about to start a unit teaching comedy with my year 10 drama class and I was wondering If I could use this monologue plus a lot of your others as some of my teaching material?? The kids will love it. Allyra
Submitted by chandlercm on Sun, 11/09/2014 - 02:28
I absolutely adore this monologue. May I use it for a pageant I'm competing in (* note: I am not a professional.)?
Submitted by Nataliel1991 on Wed, 06/17/2015 - 09:22
I was literally DYING reading this. I would love to use it for a play audition that requires a monologue. Ive read your monologues and you're EXTREMELY talented. Brava!
Submitted by praterlaw@sbcgl... on Sun, 08/21/2016 - 09:17
This would be great for a middle school speech tournament. May my daughter consider using this?

2.5m Comedy Monologues - Swimming Pools