(Unknown)   by MariaLG

Comedy Monologues   (144707 Views 3 Comments)

Don?t panic, breathe. Don?t stress. I've got to find a gift for her, come on. What a horrible smell, puke. She will probably just give me soap, anyway. It?s getting dark outside. Make up? Does she like blue, dark green, purple? Maybe I could get her a sandwich, don?t be daft, oh, I should have eaten. Those bottles of shampoo are staring at me. Jingle bells... I?m getting dizzy, so many things, big, small, huge. I should be working on my essay; no, I need to find her that gift. I know what she likes, for goodness sake. Price tags. Too expensive, too cheap. How much money have I got in my account? Teddy bears that smell of perfume. We're not children any more. I hated my childhood. Stop pushing me, you old hag. She might like that. Let go of it! She looks like a badger. I must get something to eat, mustn't forget to call Mum on Skype. Stop grinning at me. I'd like to punch you in the face. I want chocolate.

She likes necklaces, how about that one?˜It?s tacky. I hate gold, I really do. I could buy her some chocolate? God I?m so hot, I need to get this woolly jumper off. I could have gone online shopping: this is like shopping in a jungle. Poor woman she?s got four small children. Brats.˜Maybe she would like My Little Pony? Oh, she does love Hello Magazine, ouch I cut myself.

I wonder what Mum and Dad will get me for Christmas. Walking in a winter wonderland... I want a cream cracker with cheese and a big glass of wine. Five pounds, ten pounds. I need a cup of tea. I wish it were Halloween so I could scare you people to death! Maybe she would like a parrot; she loves birds. I need to find some gift paper.

Why is there war in Syria? My stomach is rumbling even louder. I should do my secret Santa as well. What will she get me? Something really nice, maybe. I shouldn't spend my money on her, she hates me. Why does Frodo Baggins leave the shire? Why don?t I leave this shop? I should get her a card. Not much choice, half-naked men with Christmas hats covering their privates, good grief.˜I should go the gym more often. Maybe a card with holly on it. Christmassy. Tick, tock, damn you stupid clock. Maybe a tube of lip-gloss? She hates pink. I need to take my dog for a walk. She likes music. I must tidy my room. Maybe a perfume that smells of apples? I need some new socks. Her favourite colour is blue.

Another Christmas song! Play something else. I could get her an iTunes gift card? I must stop biting my nails. Getting darker outside. Gloves? She does like hand cream. I need a longer skirt. So many creams. I hate goats. Essay. I must charge my Mac. I could get her the One Direction DVD. Why did Taylor dump Harry? Earrings too big. Maybe I should colour my hair blue. She hates big rings. I wish I could dance like Jennifer Lopez. I know she will comment if it is cheap. I?m starving. A Dalek poster? I should eat more fruit and veg. It?s Christmas, I could get her a box of Quality Street. Miley Cyrus is such a slut. This will do. She will gain weight. I would really like to go to Australia one day. Just five minutes till closing time. I should have got a handbag. Why does my advent calendar have such small chocolates? Do I want a bag?˜Debit card in. Money paid. Why is she smiling? I need to go to bed earlier. Remove card. God he's breathing heavily. Your breath stinks. Thank you. My clothes need to be washed. Will she like her present?

Damn, I forgot my woolly hat. My scarf is strangling me. Christmas songs on the brain. I must find a man. Two hundred words to go on the essay. I must exercise in January. I must get a new coat, what are you looking at? I?m starving. I need to sit down. I?m broke. Stop singing at me, stupid children's choir. Should I take a Master? Would that help? I hate snow. My life sucks. That bench looks horrible. Man in Santa suit is winking at me.˜He is! Dirty old˜man. Oh damn, my feet are aching. Spoiled brat. Stop staring at me, kid. My favourite programme is on, damn it. God I'm glad I don't live on campus any more. I love karaoke. I need a small shot of vodka. I need to pee. I must remember to buy more bread. Fifty pence on the ground, I?m rich, I must leave it where I found it. My headaches are getting worse; nobody likes me.

I will finish the essay tonight. Bibliography.˜Keats or Austen? I must diet, no I?m thin enough, come on move. I hate walking past choirs, singing holy this and holy that, why don?t you just shut up, wow the Christmas tree is beautiful. I love that dress in the window. I forgot my gloves. Who cares?˜Mum. I must buy a new printer. I don?t want to go home, I hate you all. My ankle! Ouch, that hurt, please don?t look at me, I must look stupid. Oh God, there he comes... He hasn?t even noticed me. I hate that bimbo. I need to get up the hill. I?m so out of shape. I hate you drunks. I need a drink. I wonder what would happen if I lay down and died? They wouldn?t care. Stupid feet, stop aching, I must find another bench, God bless the person who put benches here. I?m so hungry, stomach please stop rumbling. I want something sweet. Stupid lid. God, that Quality Street is good.

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Submitted by Hati (not verified) on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 07:29
Wow! I couldn't have described it better! Why don't you do one for exams ... the last 5 minutes are the best. Thumbs up for the great piece. :)
Submitted by Joaqu??n (not verified) on Sun, 07/06/2014 - 10:05
I loved it!!! I would like to translate it to spanish, it'd sound really cool, I promise :) Greetings from Uruguay :D
Submitted by anna (not verified) on Wed, 09/09/2015 - 07:32
hi can i use this in as a monologue - anna

Unknown Comedy Monologues - Stress