Ready To Die

Ready To Die

(Unknown)   by jeromassive
 

Comedy Monologues   (35602 Views 4 Comments)

Your not ready to die motherfucker,trust me. Be ready to die any motherfucking day dont just say it,be prepared. plan your death before its too late Because trust me,Death actually looks for the worst possible time to take your life just to emberrass you! He does that shit on purpose,he's an asshole...He really is! Plan your death when you go out,trust me. Youll be in hell wishing you never went to the strip club that night of the shooting cause you told your girl you were working late and shit! The first thing you say when you get to hell is "Shit,i should have never gone!" If you die at a strip club you know your going to hell. Nobody in heaven will sympathize for you! Nobody in heaven will say "poor guy,as he placed a dollar on Coco's g-string he was shot to death" Fuckthe bullshit,he should be dead for being so motherfucking cheap god damn it! Nobody will sympathize for you,not even your girl! She only goes to the crime scene to make sure it really was you,just in case she goes to hell as well,you wont deny it!! Dumb motherfucker tries to deny it in hell and shit "That wasnt me babe,i died getting struck by a truck while rescuing an orphan from an oncoming vehicle....i dont know who's body that was".....dumb motherucker,Jesus knew it too Jesus was just going down to hell to give you a second chance to make it into heaven but after hearing that lie....he just turned right back,all dissapointed and shit! You have to be one step ahead,of being a step ahead! Thats me,i got this shit all figured out....i thought you knew motherfucker! When I "stay working late" i'll have someone text me "Come quick! im in Danger ......at the Strip Club." i just text back something like " i really shouldnt because my gf wouldnt approve but since your life is in danger i'll go rescue you...id cakk her but this is an emergency...she'll understand,thats why i love her with all my heart" that way if i die that night she can read the text and think i died a hero I had an excuse to be there......... ready to die My girl cant tell me shit when we get to heaven cause she'd think i died a hero. You can fool her but you cant fool God....I didnt know When she dies we'll both be in Heaven and Im only there cause i tricked death! I thought Jesus fell for it too to be quite honest When were both in heaven God is gonna bring us together and tell us " You know whats interesting? You both lost your lives .... heroically.... rescuing someone......at a motherfucking strip club!!!" Jesus would get ghetto on us! He'd tell us to raise the fuck up out this bitch and leave his motherfucking sight! He'd escort us straight to hell personally and shit,right on Satans front doorstep. Be ready to die cause you just never know think about what you'll leave behind; Family,friends,and neightbors....would all know you had a porn collection and shit! fuck the bullshit,dont fuck around and die before you get rid of all that shit thats gonna make you look bad! nobody feels bad about you at your funeral because they all know you had a blow up doll under your matress and shit! Nobody will take you serious at your funeral! Your Aunt even emberrases you there Shes on stage fucking up your Eulogy! " I remember,he was such a doll" Giggling and shit trying to be serious! She's being a comedian at your funeral,thats why the fuck i always said that hoe is irritating! She's up there talking about "Im hurt,i am...he was such a doll....it blows that he's gone It does,it blows...he was a doll; it just blew up on me when i heard,i lost my breath.It just pilled up on me,it inflated on me. He was such a doll,all i can say is it blows" Fuck that bitch,but fuck you too for not being ready to die. Be Ready to die,if not expect people to be giggling at your funeral! You asked for it. You were the one saying you were ready to die and death overheard your dumbass Dont be the one who dies and spends all eternity wishing you would have just stayed home that night. if your not ready to die and end up in hell and trust me,that asshole Satan has no remorse He's gonna remind you of all that shit you left behind. Everytime he see's you nods and says " Your mother was so ashamed" That shit breaks your motherfucking heart,dont fuck around and die before your ready cause a broken heart cant heal itself after you die. Theres no coming back from death. Your nobody till somebody kills you....when someone kills you,you dont want to be that creepy somebody! Im not saying dont own anything you shouldnt have,own it. Just be one step ahead of step ahead and youll be good Thats why the fuck i label my shit. I put post-it's on it that say "Confiscated from little orphan boy,James"! Thats why im going to hell! Motherfucking orphans done ruin my resume to Jesus,god damn it! But I label my shit so when i die,i die a role model and with some honor and shit! Be ready to die,I am Everything i own that i shouldnt own has some sort of explanation on it cause where im from,you just never know You can leave a half rolled joint in your room to answer the front door and BAM! A motherfucking stick up! You got shot for answering the door at the wrong time. You werent even the target! The dumbass fiends got the wrong address! Joker always fucks up his 6's and 9's..... just never know! I have a diary i write in,just to explain why i have the things i have My last entry says: {{{{Dear Diary,As i skipped to Church,as usual i ran into Toby.....yes, Toby the Orphan. Toby had a container with marijuana and told me he wanted to try it for the first time but was scared to try it alone. He was asking me to join him....Diary,you know me better. I refused and talked him into giving me the container because he shouldn't be smoking that garbage. I took it home and when i was gonna flush it but then i thought ... You know,wouldn't it be swell if he flushed it. That way he knows what he's doing isthe right thing Im saving the container until he comes over next week to flush it together. Im proud of Toby,Diary....Damn Proud }}} Fuck the bullshit,when i say im ready to die....im ready to die! I dont just say that shit,i really do this shit! My plan is fool proof. The only ones who will be mad at me at my funeral are the Orphans And theyre not going where im going,im going to hell because of them! At least i thought! I was wondering why i saw a few orphans answering to Satan Jesus wasnt too bright cause he remembered i fooled him..... but forgot i framed the Orphans!

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Submitted by watevs (not verified) on Mon, 01/30/2012 - 14:48
this was fucking shit
Submitted by Jeromassive (not verified) on Mon, 01/30/2012 - 15:13
No real person has walked past shit and acknowledged it. Good eye, good eye =)
Submitted by drless (not verified) on Thu, 04/05/2012 - 14:08
You rock! I wish I could see this in person done wearing a hoodie. It is an awesome routine - keep turning it out! It is real. LOL great stuff
Submitted by gthwsbhds (not verified) on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 18:45
what the heck wass ganin on the fucking thing was crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unknown Comedy Monologues - Ready To Die