I wanted to book a holiday. I went online it was so much hassle I really needed a break.
I needed more computer power to speed up my internet searches so I hooked up to the national nuclear power grid.
I got nuclear fission in my brain. It turned into quarks of bacon. Delicious, I thought but it was just kippers from Fukushima. I burnt my tongue quite badly.
By now I had gamma rays coming out of my eyes and was full of nuclear waste. I needed a dump. I had to get a massive super magnet to pick up the pen to sign the terms and conditions. I vaporised them with my eyes.
Well that was ok, but then my dog jumped up and bit me on the bum, I farted and he turned into a tube of toothpaste and fell into my suitcase. I brushed my teeth and selected a tie, it turned into a frankercheif, I put it in my breast pocket and felt very smart.
My wife is from far away, her name’s Yourloopy, her father’s Yourloopy Senior, her brother’s Yourloopy Junior, I’m out-of-the-loop and her mum’s just plain crazy.
Well we got the taxi and the driver said ‘why are you so glum?’ ‘I’m a failed nuclear reaction’ I said. ‘But that’s amazing you may find the Higgs boson god particle’ he said.
‘Well I can shoot gamma rays out my eyes and replicate anything with my farts’ I said. Can you turn my taxi into a Rolls Royce he asked? Sure I said. He wasn’t happy: there was always a lingering smell.
We had to go through an X-ray to get into the airport, the toothpaste wouldn’t stop barking, he’s usually such a good boy but doesn’t like crowds, he’s my emotional support toothpaste.
They kindly let me keep him so he gave them a present they thought it was minty fresh but I think it was from Chernobyl.
Finally we arrived at the check in desk the lady shouted ‘I know you! I know you!’ You’re the guy who can vaporise with his eyes and replicate with his farts. I was embarrassed and said ‘yes but how did you know?’
She pointed to herself: she was naked with a tub of hand cream wearing a strap on dildo saying: come here big boy I’m gonna give you a good pegging. Yourloopy slapped me hard and we raced to customs.
Finally I bought a bottle of vodka but I was irradiated, all the alcohol boiled away,
I was angry and demanded a refund, they were rude to me so I pooped and they all turned into elves. Santa angrily demanded an explanation ‘hohoho’ he said ‘see your laughing now’ I said now make sure they get access clean water what conditions are you running up there in Lapland? Bad Santa.
We caught the plane and had a lovely holiday just a pity about the terrible smell.