I Don't Speak Women.

I Don't Speak Women.

(4.5m)   by Officer1774

Comedy Monologues   (30412 Views 0 Comments)

If you enjoyed this, which is surprising since I think it isn't that good, check out my YouTube page! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCP4wYvcSsn5UHHSsGNxSzYg? Copy and paste onto the browser shit. Thanks for reading and enjoy!


I remember back in the old days where parents didn't really care about what they're kids did. That's why I'm the man who I am today. My family left me in front of a Rehab Center when I was 3. Not because I started drinking or anything, but I started to love my family. It wasn't easy to just leave me there, but that's when I spoke my first words, and I'll never forget what I said which made my mom smile: "Leave me!"

After I was accepted, I made that my personal home. I started placing posters on the walls, bought my own television. I mean when I say home I made it into a home. I also tried to replicate the smell of my old home, so everyday I lit a cigar and leaned it against the window. I never smoked them since it was a waste of breath. Too much effort goes into one little thing. It's like making kids, you know? 

I had to leave when I reached 21. Not because it was a rule, but I just left. I wanted to go explore! Make something out of myself. Luckily, there was another Rehab Center down the road. No, I'm kidding! After 21, I never visited a Rehab Center ever again. If I did, I was just dropping off my kids. 

Now I'm a happily married man, and I mean it. Haven't seen my wife since I flew out here. I am very happy without Jessica. I need a break from the nagging, you know? It's become too much where she's made her own language. And it's not just her. ALL of her friends have started speaking it. I call it Womanese, and it can be used to find the area of a circle, too.

Womanese seems to be the type of language that turned into a killer cult. They probably castrate their husbands every month. I don't have any thoughts and reasons as to if and why they do this, but my buddy Frank's been acting weird lately as well! He started painting his nails pink and started wearing dresses. Oh wait, no he did that on purpose. His new name is Franquela.

I love my wife and if it seems like I don't love her, that's just not right. I love her to death, and I just started counting the minutes left. She'll be mine forever. She told me once when I had surgery. Yeah I was getting my brain operated to put some real brain cells in. Once she said that I said, "Thanks Susan." I remember getting another operation that night also. I wish I smoked what the doctors were smoking...



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I edited this to make it seem more funny because I thought it sucked.

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1 Person 4.5m Comedy Monologues - I Don't Speak Women.