I am Santa Claus

I am Santa Claus

(5m)   by ballekumar
 

Comedy Monologues   (55747 Views 15 Comments)

Imagine the amount of junk food I need to eat and no shaving for a year and you wonder why I am single? After God decided to outsource toy manufacturing to Asia I have to deal with all the unemployed elves in North Pole (I mean the part which has not melted or whatever is left of it). Now an elf is just another word for what you call a zombie in your world. So you might want to consider the importance of keeping an elf busy. On Christmass eve I have to go to China and get all the gifts from my Chinese elves and then go around the world distributing them in a single day. What do I get to deliver them? Reindeers!! Reindeers are the least confident among all the birds. They need counseling for a whole year to believe that they can fly and they need a lot of alcohol on the day that they have to fly. They simply don't want to acknowledge the fact that they can fly and I believe that the fact that they are birds has not dawned upon them yet. And what do I get for delivering gifts? There are no chimneys now a days and I have to get in through the windows. Sometimes people make videos like 'Racoon entering my house' when I try to sneak in and they almost beat me to death as a racoon, that you won't see on the video. Sometime people call 911 and looking at my beard the cops question me about being part of some terrorist organization. They think that the reindeers are camels. That day I tried to get in through the window and the theft alarm went on. I found myself at the end of a barrel of gun held by a seven feet tall guy and to say the least I was his bitch till New Year?s Eve. He even made me cook reindeer meat for him. The children, they just want more and more. They scream when they see that their sibling has got a better gift. What can I do? If your brother or sister knows what to ask and you don't, that is not my fault? Last year a million children asked god to shoot me dead for getting them the gifts that they had asked in the first place. God warned me to do my job properly or else he will fire me. Fire me and replace me with whom?The North Pole as it is melting; I applied for asylum in USA. They refused to accept I exist even after a personal interview. You believe in God and not in Santa, why is that so? Seeing that I can sneak into any country unnoticed some other nations were ready to provide me citizenship. All they wanted me to do is to carry some things which can?t be necessarily categorized as gifts. I refused that offer.

All I ask is that you believe that I exist!! This is not person trying to impersonate Santa Claus. I am Santa Claus, I am.

This year I have composed this new Jingle Bell too, hope you like it!!

Once I got a gun

And then I shot a nun

I went shooting all the way

And Boy it was fun

Jingle Bell

Jingle Bell

Jingle All the Way

All you guys

If you want

I will do an action replay!!

Comedy Type: Script Length: Post date: Script Market:
Public

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Comments

   

Submitted by manman (not verified) on Wed, 07/04/2012 - 04:35
epic song i am so using it for christmas
Submitted by ballekumar on Wed, 07/04/2012 - 06:34
@manman thanks
Submitted by Will (not verified) on Sat, 11/24/2012 - 10:39
Hey man great monologue do you mind if i edit it a bit and use it for my audition for my school play?
Submitted by ballekumar on Sun, 11/25/2012 - 02:26
@Will, sure you can edit and use.
Submitted by Abe (not verified) on Mon, 01/07/2013 - 10:06
I like the monologue can I use it for my presentation
Submitted by ballekumar on Mon, 01/07/2013 - 22:49
@Abe, Yes please.
Submitted by Jordan (not verified) on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 16:06
Hey can I use this piece for a forensics tournament?
Submitted by ballekumar on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 23:22
@Jordan. Yes please, you can use any of my scripts.
Submitted by Nina Shafon on Sun, 03/02/2014 - 10:30
Can I use this?
Submitted by ballekumar on Thu, 03/06/2014 - 12:58
@Cymone Newton yes.
Submitted by PizzaPouches on Sun, 10/05/2014 - 15:02
I love this monologue! Do you mind if I use it for a presentation for my drama class and edit it just a bit because it has to be class appropriate xD
Submitted by ballekumar on Mon, 10/06/2014 - 06:44
@GregoryGreg
Submitted by adenjon on Mon, 10/12/2015 - 17:28
May I use this for my Forensics Club? Do you mind if I change a few words so my teacher doesn't freak out?
Submitted by Leegit (not verified) on Wed, 12/23/2015 - 02:48
I love this! is it okay to use this for my acting class?
Submitted by mikey.miki.dund... on Tue, 11/21/2017 - 00:33
Hey, I really like this monologue so I was thinking can I use it for my speech competition

5m Comedy Monologues - I am Santa Claus