(3.5m)   by restisaweapon

Comedy Monologues   (66441 Views 11 Comments)


Ever been on a diet?

That's a hard part of life

My wife's on a diet...

She's been on a diet for like years.

Progresses from one diet to another.

working a diet for a while,

Then moving on to the next, better one.

Like the Weigh Down diet

Weigh Down lets you to eat what you want, but they redefine what hungry is.

According to Weigh Down you’re not hungry until your stomach growls.

Well it took like 36hrs before my stomach growled.

And that’s not where the fun ends.

I starved myself the 36 hrs until my stomach growls.

And I'm thinking, when I do eat I'm gonna make it count.

So I’m sitting down to this big plate of Alfredo When my wife says, "Honey, you know your only supposed to eat until your satisfied right?"

"YEAHHHH I say " Smiling at my food.

Well my smile goes south when I find out

Those Weigh Down Nazis have redefined what full is too.

They call it 'Satisfied'

And satisfied isn’t the full you and I know.

It’s just after your tummy stops growling

You know, from being "Weigh Down" hungry.

I’m looking at this plate of half eaten Alfredo, wondering how I got here.

Cuz you notice by now that I'm on this diet, right?

That's because I inevitably find myself on some of these diets with her.

I don't want to be on a diet,

She wants me on it.

I think she wants company or something.

Someone to mown with when the going gets tuff.

But she puts this pressure on me to join. 

Usually beginning with "the look".

You know the look;

You’re at a restaurant and she's just ordered

Some no-sauce poached dinner,

Side salad (dressing on the side).

And you’ve ordered the blackened cajun sirloin steak with a bernaise sauce.

That's when I can expect "the look".

The "I thought you were supporting me"

"Are you sure you want that?" look.

So we finished Weigh Down

When she discovered the Grazing Diet.

On this diet you eat all day.

The catch is ....well... it’s grazing

You’re nibbling on non-fat nothings all day.

Never getting hungry,

And never getting to eat nice stuff.

So we finished with the grazing pretty quick.

And now we're counting points.

Weight Watchers

Man is that a pain in the ass.

She logs every friggin mouthful of food.

Categorizing fats, calories and adding up points.

Then there are the weigh in days,

Woe, look out for weigh in days

They can go either way.

On a good weigh in day I usually get sex.

The good report has her feeling sexy. 

On a FAT day things aren't as good.

I see it on her face.

Comes through the door and straight to a mirror To survey the damage.

What went wrong? She’s asking herself.

Sounding the alarm she calls and end to wine.

And after all these years passionately fighting pounds,

She's become a bit of a food fact guru.  

Very interested in food,

But not always the food we're eating.

She's often more interested in.....

Comedy Type: Script Length: Post date: Script Market:

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Submitted by Louis wong (not verified) on Tue, 05/03/2011 - 01:44
could i please use this for, my year 11 and 12 work at my school concord high
Submitted by restisaweapon on Tue, 05/03/2011 - 15:56
Hi Louis to do this you need to become my friend. Go to my page and friend request me. Don
Submitted by Louis wong (not verified) on Thu, 05/05/2011 - 01:05
Ty very much, ill do that right away
Submitted by dreamer12 on Wed, 08/03/2011 - 08:58
Hi Don, can I have this script i need it for my high school class
Submitted by critch on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 00:54
Submitted by jennmeier1152@a... on Sun, 05/20/2012 - 09:32
I love to read the rest of this and perform it on a little dinner cruise a couple of times. I'm new to this would I go about getting the rest of the script?
Submitted by Johan Bloem on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 19:51
Hi Don. I love your scripts and would appreciate if you could let me have the full length to use in my Drama Club. Yours in Drama Johan Bloem
Submitted by Sara Miranda (not verified) on Tue, 09/11/2012 - 22:34
Hi!! I was wondering if I could use this as a monologue to perform for my year 11 work please?
Submitted by on Sat, 12/13/2014 - 14:43
hi...can i read the full script now...i'm enjoying your mono i'd like to read the full script...
Submitted by theriddler2211 on Thu, 02/18/2016 - 15:03
I'd Love to use this for a class performance
Submitted by on Mon, 05/09/2016 - 07:09
K57yTQ I would like to use Don's monologues in a retirement community play reading group.

3.5m Comedy Monologues - Dieting