Crazy Letters

Crazy Letters

(30-60m)   by bkuniverse
 

Comedy Monologues   (58497 Views 0 Comments)

1) Dear Pizza,

There is not even a single day that passes when I don't think of you. I have thought of you much more than the amount of thinking politicians do before screwing up the nation. It is only YOU that I dream off and it is only YOU that I covet. I hate all those men, women , children and other rodents who compete with me for getting anywhere near you. People run after real estate and I run after real taste and that taste is you. I wish that the restaurant owner puts more chicken pieces in the toppings and preferably for the same price. I love and accept you the way you are but having more marinated chicken pieces would take our relationship to an entirely new level.

See you soon!! Love you from the depth of my stomach.

Yours Hungry Always

Man solving Issues during lunch break

2) Dear Rats,

There is something for you on the floor. Make sure that you share it with everyone and please make sure that no one is left behind hungry; especially don't forget feeding your little ones. I have made some special sandwiches for you all and I have generously applied a special paste which will immediately transport you to a place where there are 72 virgins waiting for you, yes you, don't look back. I owe you this after the number of sleepless nights I had and surprisingly which made me see better than an owl at night!! It is because of you that I am today a medical marvel !!

Love

Frustrated Tenant

3) Dear Superman,

My mother doesn't allow me to wear my underpants outside like you do and I just don't seem to get it! If I am wearing my underpants inside and then some bully pulls down my underpants I would be left standing only in my underpants and that would be embarrassing. But if I am wearing my underpants outside and then if the bully pulls my underpants down and that would be a difficult task by itself I would still

be having the pants on me. Please don't try to reason with my Mom as after looking at my Dad's failure I would not advise you to do so. Please just blast her in to the Outer Space and too without any warning (or you will regret) on Mother's day.

Love

Name Withheld

4) Dear Batman,

Everyone who comes in contact with you, dies. I suspect you have rabies so please get yourself checked. If my school is ever on fire and you see me pleading for help, please DONT try to save me. I would risk getting saved by a fireman instead of dying of rabies due to you.

Love

School Boy

5) Dear Husband,

I told you not to watch your Sci Fi movies and you didn't listen. Now I am not only going to watch movies with the couple next door but they have also invited me to act in a few of them. They have told me that I will becomes famous in Three-People-Act art movies. I am considering that as an option.. Let me know if you agree that everything that went wrong in our marriage since the day we got married is ALL YOUR FAULT.Not waiting for your reply.

Love

Wife

6) Dear Earthlings,

If you still think that this satellite has been sent by the Government so that you get some extra channels on your television then I wish all the best. I wish that you recover at least during your life time from a disease called Naivety. This is a military satellite and the if I just press this one button the missiles from this ship will destroy the entire planet. Now I know what it feels to be GOD. You owe your life to my dog Sunny who was not allowed to board this ship!! But you won't be this lucky the

next time!! Meanwhile pray and may be I might reconsider my decision !

Yours Truly Superior

Astro Nut

7) Dear Diary

Since I injected myself with this syringe I am feeling that this world is such a great place. I have this sudden love for all and I feel every one loves me, even that blonde! What I don't understand is that why is everyone

walking on the cieling?

Yours Truly,

I can't remember!!

8) Dear Teacher,

You provide me with great hope!! A rude bully can earn a decent income without having any qualification whatsoever is nice to know at such a young age. I am present to the compassion that this world has which allows the lowest form of life and that is YOU (.. i know you don't get hints) to exist and that is an experience at least worth the school fees. Teacher, can you please tell me whether the interest that you show in us reflects the interest that your spouse shows in you? The word infinite seems so profound when it seen in context of your stupidity. There is a grey area between the Living and Non Living world and you and your kind thrive in that space.

Yours Truly,

Last Bencher

9) Dear Government,

I might have not written this if I was woman or not straight. Please understand the mere mention of the word MAN HOLE creeps a straight man out so please understand the indignity of falling into one and surviving. Please keep them covered or make the mention of those by that name punishable by death.

Regards

Citizen

10) Dear Neighboring Country,

If you destroy us then there will be no left to blame for your problems and if you subjugate us then our problems will become yours. Lets be friends.

Regards

Peace Loving Citizen

11) Dear Obama,

Please give all the Indians staying in USA the citizenship of USA and we will all stay on the coastal areas. So when the Chinese warships land on our coast they will find only Indians on the coast and their leaders would shoot their own military commanders for the cost incurred in crossing half the world to invade India when it is right across the Himalayas. Thank you.

Only Yours

Indian ( My Wife says Hello!!)

12) Dear Customer,

I am delighted to know that Madhuri Dikshit is worth at least 500 rupees but people are still crazy about having Mahatma Gandhi's image on the 500 rupee note. So can you please take this note back and print another one with Mahatma Gandhi so that I can use it to buy something for the shop. Thanks.

Regards

Shopkeeper

13) Dear Doctor,

When I first saw the medical bill I thought that you have treated an entire third world country and sent me the bill by mistake. But no, it was just for me! and that was such a big surprise! How often does a patient get a bill for a treatment

he didn't receive? My lawyer would be very happy to see this and I like to see my lawyer happy because as my husband is a lawyer so making the lawyer happy does makes the husband happy too.

Regards

Your Missed Opportunity

14) Dear Brothers,

I am very happy here! The Government has decided to grant me the citizenship because I have stayed here for so many years. After I get my citizenship not only will I be able to vote but I am thinking of standing for elections. I am very popular here and I am sure that at least for publicity some really hot Bollywood starlet would marry me. I have plans to join the IPL , talks are on! Brother please send some people here; I sort of get bored. After being in jail I realized that just a comfortable stay,good food and extraordinary fame is not enough we need people who think like us to surround us too.

I am releasing my private songs album called "Bharat Mata Bani Gudiya Jab Neta Pehne Chudiya" , please make sure that across the border on your side this is not pirated as good part of the profits are going to come to us.

Love

Terrorist

15) Hello Director,

I just wanted to let you know that my full name is Amandeep Singh and not Amandeep Kaur. I can still come dressed in a red saree with my portfolio and a bottle of Champagne ALONE as you had asked for to your farm house in Khandala. Thanks.

Regards

Actor

16) Dear Doctor,

I was pleasantly surprised to see two kidneys in X-Ray instead of one. I never knew that a kidney can grow in a months time. My daughter has asked me that "How can a kidney develop faster than a kidney stone?" Can you please write back to satiate her curiosity? Thanks.

Regards

Patient

17) Dear Havaldar,

My brother is mostly at home and is studying for his board exams. He hardly ever gets out of the house and is terrified by mere prospect of talking to any girl. May be he is in to girls but I don't think so that he his interested in marrying his sister and yes I agree that used to happen in ancient Egypt about 3000 years back but no one in my family has ever visited anything further than Ichalkaranji. So the boy who was passing some lewd comments and continously eve teasing me before you was not my brother or his look a like. So we were not having any kind of family fun filled open to all afternoon in public and so you could come in and slapped him. Please do that the next time. Thanks.

Regards

Any woman

18) Hello Animal Control Board,

Sir, I always wanted my child to learn something from me by observing and mimicking me.After fervently prayers, God answered my prayers but instead of my child there is this monkey who lives on the tree near my house who is mimicking me. He walks like me, brushes his teeth like , he stole my clothes and started wearing them and I found it quite amusing. But that day I forgot to close my bedroom window and now the monkey has started hitting on my wife. Please do something, my wife is finding the monkey adorable and he really pays attention to her. This is an emergency!

Yours Truly,

Manne Kaka

19) Hello Pinky,

I had a thing for your Mom since we were six and I thought you would turn out like your Mom and so as a future investment I made you my girlfriend from that age. But you now seem to look almost like your dad and that turns me off. That is not because you look like your Dad but because your Dad is as ugly as a dead alien disfigured by freakish lab experiment. I am breaking off with you to restore some beauty in my life! Good Bye!!

I pity you,

Pappu

20) Dear Father,

I recently moved in to a house and found some stuff of the previous houseowner. There was a book which only had the words "DO NOT READ" on it and we all read it. Then there was a DVD on which it was written "DO NOT PLAY" and we played it. Now I really think that my wife and children are possessed. My wife just smiles at me and never says a single word. She cooks my favorite dinner and allows me to watch television. My children have started studying. I am really scared!! Please come in and bless my house.

RegardsInnocent

PS: My family has insisted on my celebrating my birthday and my wife is nowadays sharpening a butcher's knife everyday so that I can cut the cake easily.

21) Dear Cops,

I am originally from Chennai which is the most happening place on earth. It is most happening because there are so many builders that construction is always happening here. Now we have a slight problem and the problem is that there is no water. So my very intelligent, smart and beautiful wife SubbuLakshmi told me to dig a bore well. But Sir the ground water has almost depleted and so I kept on digging till finally I saw some light. As I came outof the tunnel I made I saw my wife had turned in to a blonde woman. However she didn't recognize me , she called you. Then I understood that I had reached New York. It is such a long time since school that I completely forgot that the Earth is round. Please Sir believe my story!

RegardsSubbu (Underground Columbus)

22) Dear Music Director,

I am so proud of you!! I have been globe trotting and I can bet that almost every nation has copied one of your tunes or your musical notes. How do you cope up with so much success?

Keep it going!

Music Lover

23) Hello Telugu Hero,

Please become my dating guru! You tease the actresses to an obscene level and they really fall for you. Each one of them begs you to get married to them and you just dance each with them in rain and then choose one of them in the climax. The actress cooks for you, loves your Mom and some times even takes the villian's bullet for you. The best part of all this is that you manage to do all this with that big moustache of yours.

Your Fan Pampush

24) Hello Serial Killer,

Please kill my twin brother Pushpam next. My name is Pampush and Pushpam is my evil twin. Whenever my parents call for me he taking advantage of our similar faces runs to our parents. As a result he gets doubled fed , double clothed and he also gets my share of gifts. I am left dressed in rags and often starving. Only you can help me now!

Regards

Pampush

25) Hello Police,

I got the following note on my door step "Mr Rustogi, I know where you stay, you are next. Make your will". Sir, I am Chatterjee , Rustogi stays next door. Please catch the killer or at least let him know that Rustogi stays next door.

Regards

Chatterjee

26)

Hello Director of Flop Film,

Let me tell you something , I am your biggest fan. I was trying to break up with this girl since a long time and she not only left the theater but also left me forever within the first 10 minutes of your film. I saw your complete film andI must say that you are a genius in pissing off people. Please make more such films.

Regards

Your Fan!!

27) Hello Psychiatrist,

We generally don't see horror films before our 5 year old Raghu but that day he did manage to see one with us.After that it is impossible for us to live with him. That day I was lying in the tub and he came from behind and tried to strangle me. Raghu runs after his mother with a knife and laughs wickedly to his grandmother. He tried to pull the skirt of our Maid Servant while she was sleeping though I dont attribute that to the horror movies, anyways I don't want him to do that when I am not around. Please do something.

Regards

Prashant Bhute

PS: He wrote 'MURDER' on our shower curtain too..

28) Hello Lawyer,

Sir, I am about 400 pounds and I know that and my swimming instructor also knew that too. But still he made me jump in to the swimming pool and that resulted in to what can be called as Tsunami. Now the gym is going to sue my for the loss of life and property. Please fight for me.

Regards

Mote Babu

29) Hello Hair Growing Oil Makers,

I used to apply a copious amount of your oil on my head and never a single strand of hair grew on my bald head.Frustrated I kicked the bottle of oil and my 5 year old son Raghu started rolling in the spilled oil. Now my neigbors complain that they sometimes see a very hairy gorilla playing in our house. Please suggest an antidote and also your oil works for children, that is one good news..

Regards

Purshottam

30) Hello Chin Chin Company,

My friend was going to throw the grenade on the army personal and so he removed the pin and threw the grenade. The grenade didn't explode but the pin exploded and my friend became a martyr and as our location was revealed we had to suffer some firing. So my another firend next time threw the pin and this time the grenade exploded. I survived because I had gone to answer nature's call. Sir please segregate the grenades based on whether the pin will explodeor the grenade itself. Friends forever..

Love

Separatist

31) Hello Magan Seth,

We tried to kidnap your wife but we couldn't fit her in to the truck so we kidnapped your son. But your son refuses to eat anything with onion and garlic in it and seriously if you don't pay up he will be starving. Seriously man how can I find such food in Bhendi Bazaar , you tell me? You people spoil your kids and we have to face problems. When you take him back feed him junk food and chicken or we will kill you. Be responsible parents ..

No Regards

Topiwale Brothers

32) Hello Uncle,

The last time you refused to give us our ball back because it broke your window pane and that was a mistake. While not returning our ball back you might not of thought of your new car which you park on the road so that you can rent out your parking space. We are now using your prized possesion, your car as stumps and we have some real good fast bowlers on both the sides. Some of our batsmen our newbies are used to hitting the stumps with their bats. We have also announced a special prize for the person who breaks your window pane and batsman who breaks your head will be "Man of the Match".

Love

Rustum

33) Hello Comedy Badshah,

Once I had piles and I found the experience of having piles and the whole medical fraternity having a look at it on a 30ft * 70 ft screen more funny than you. Sometimes I think that God made us mortals so that at least some of us can escape you coming on the National Television. Now don't get me wrong , I do thinkthat you are FUNNY sometimes and that is when I am sleeping and I know that you are on television expecting me to hear your jokes and I AM NOT LISTENING.

F*#K Off

Janaki's Husband (Janaki!! your number one fan)

34) Hello Producer,

Sir, I really never miss a single episode of your late night true story based serial "JwalaMukhi Bahu". But everytime that I get interested (read excited) you start a commercial. Now that makes me wonder if this ever happened in real life then there would be only Adam and Eve on earth. So please keep all the commercials at the end and I promise you I will see them.

Regards

Sundermohan Tripathi

35) Hello Doctor,

I went to Nepal to climb Everest and I left my wife at the base camp with Sherpas. I became lost in the blizzard and then subsequently lost my memory and way and finally returned back to my camp after a year. When I cam back my beloved wife was holding a baby in her hands and said its mine but the baby looked like a Nepali. I asked her about it and she said if the child is born in Nepali it should look Nepali. I feel something is wrong and so I am asking your opinion , is it possible?

Regards

Murugesh

36) Almeda Alcohol Shop,

I am your regular customer and I that I drank two bottles of whiskey and was high. By mistake I slapped a constable and they took me in and there they detected that what I drank was 2 bottles of fruit juice. They said that if I would have been drunk may be they would have let me go but now they I was sober and hit the constable and they hit me black and blue for not respecting law. You need to be responsible, you can't sell water in whiskey bottle and destroy the life of people. You are poisoning the body and life of people.Shame on you!!

A******s

Anonymous

37) Hello Teacher,

You told me to collect an earthworm and so I went to Borivali National Park to catch one and I did manage to catch one but it swallowed my Dad. Then as a punishment I made the earthworm see "Saas Bahu Serial" and it threw up my Dad. The Animal Control Board told me that it is not a Earthworm but it is a snake and I can't remember its name now but it is named after my Kunda Aunty.

Regards

Raghu

38) Hello Kamal Kasai,

I didn't know that in your freezer you have kept the flesh of chickens found in the dinosaur age. Now don't be surprised about how I came to know your little secret :) . My wife choked on foot long (chicken!!!!) bone and was admitted to emergency. This time I am letting you go because it was my wife but the next time if instead of chicken you give me some other meat I will kill you!!

Regards

Raju Bhatt

39) Hello Papa,

I had asked money from you for my World Tour and you kept on ignoring that and on top of that you told me that the world is very small place. I didn't agree with that but I got it when I was roaming around and first saw you in Rekha Aunty's house and then again bumped in to you in Surekha Aunty's house. Now if I tell the same to my Mom then your world will be confined to our storeroom and that would be a real small place. So please give 10 lakh rupees without delay for the world tour.

Keep Smiling

Dagdu Damle

40) Hello Arab Consumer Goods Limited,

Please don't export anything other than oil to the world. You suck!! I took your protein shake named "Protein Sheik" and it didn't produce any effect on me but when I gave my wife started taking it, she started developing muscles.She kicks me daily like your ancestors used to kick their half dead camels before the Oil Boom.

F**k You

Murtaza Ansari

41) Hello Lawyer,

After our marriage my wife insisted on visiting Taj Mahal and I vehemently objected. I mean why should a newly married couple visit an indoor cemetry, however cool it might be right after marriage. But she calls me unromantic and I suspect that she wants to murder me. Please keep this letter as evidence.

Regards

Pranlal PushpakManjan Jalnani

42) Hello Marathi Shop Owner,

Sir, your shop is only open on Weekdays and that too after 6 pm because that is when come from your job. You close your shop/house at 8 pm because you don't want people to enter your house late night. Whenever I ask for anything and if that is on the upper shelf and you have only two shelves you always direct me to the other shop. That day you refused to sell any thing to my friend because he didn't greet you!! You always insist on us customers carrying the right amount as you don't have a change. Why don't you just burn down your shop (..and I can help you in that) and claim money from insurance, that will surely make some profit for us?

Your wellwisher

Not Local

43) Namaskar KrishnaThapar Nalan Jee,

When I released my phillum no body in UP and Bihar could understand it and so it become A flop. Then when I saw your phillum "MommanToe" I got an idea.I released my phillum in rewind and even small children who can't speaks, very well understood it. I understood that Bhaiyas stand straight and understand ULTA.

Thank Yous

Number One Director

44) Hello Film Director,

I had asked you to cast my girlfriend Razia as the lead in your film and you didn't do it.I understand that my Razia has a few pounds extra but you could have had made an action film instead of the romantic film too. My Razia came home crying and now she refuses to stop crying untill I buy her a sea facing apartment and you know I can do anything for Razia. So now do send me 4 crores for the apartment.. If you don't send it then I will direct the movie "Razia Sultan" and you will be Razia inside it..

Yours Seriously,

Bada Saajan

45) Hello Minister,

We are much ahead of America in Gun Control, even our police carry sticks.

Regards

Secretary

46) Hello College Student,

I was sleeping peacefully and you and your friends disturbed me. Seriously why do you have to booze and dance on my bed in the day time especially when it is common knowledge that I am sleeping in day time. Now since you have come uninvited in my house I am going to return the favor by staying in yours.

Yours

Man Sleeping in the Coffin

47) Hello Husband,

Last night it was me with the make up on so please don't call the Tantrik.

LoveWife

48) Hello Politician,

Please find with this letter a money order of Ruppees 10. I didn't know that you are a beggar too or else I would have rejected the money. Also I should not see in you in my area again as begging slots in my area are already allocated.We don't have space for you ..

Yours

Dagdu Bhikari

Address: Dagdu Bhikari Mobile House, Bhikari Chowk, Bhiksha Gully

49) Hello Singer,

When I first heard your voice I thought a bull was getting castrated. When I knew it is you I felt more sorry for you than I would have felt for the bull. But come on, there are other humane ways of killing people. So please STOP SINGING!!

Hate You

Madhav Kumar Bulbul

50) Hello Police,

Sir, I am not responsible for ransacking the shop. I just ran away after seeing you because my ancestor was from Australia and so I have Australian blood running inside me. So my instincts tell me to run whenever I see any police .. Maa Kasam ..

Regards

Chotta Barfi

51) Hello Dear Neighbor,

I saw your girlfriend holding the hand of a schoolboy and heading inside the park. However I don't want you to discount the probability that the about 15 years boy must have thrown his frisbee and it might have not returned back and so your girlfriend would have decided to hold the hands of the anxious child and lead him inside the Lovers Garden to search for the Frisbee.

Your Watchful Neighbor

Nayansukh

Comedy Type: Script Length: Post date: Script Market:
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30-60m Comedy Monologues - Crazy Letters