For an alternative radio talk-show guest: (a comedic script)
'The Man Who Knows Too Much'
-- By James Alex Gerard, 2010
My credits include, but are by no means limited to, comprehensive, indisputable, knowledge of -- and in -- the following areas...and then some:
"Conspiracies, disclosures, occurrences, 'tell alls,' secret projects, incidents, 'Men In Black,' 'Women In Black,' alien visitations, alien abductions, ghosts, goblins, fairies, nymphs, poltergeists, pantomimes, elves, Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, past lives, future lives, time travel, time management, stress management, climate changes, 'Global Warming,' 'Global Cooling,' parallel universes, 'Days In The Life,' time sharing, profit sharing, stock markets, farmers' markets, unexplained phenomenon, explained phenomenon, hauntings, sightings, 'Both Sides Of The Coin,' 'The Flip Side Of The Coin,' mathematics, physics, astrophysics, laws of gravity, The Theory of Relativity, relative masses, 'Home For The Holidays,' invisibility, visibility, 'What You See Is What You Get,' 'Read 'Em And Weep,' numerology, 'Looking A Gift Horse In The Mouth,' 'Getting It Straight From The Horse's Mouth,' unicorns, asteroids, meteors, meteor showers, stargazing, showerheads, kitchen and bath makeovers,' 'Gray-Matter Makeovers,' comet trails, paper trails, contrails, 'happy trails,' 'lights in the sky,' seeing tomorrow, seeing yesterday, looking ahead, looking behind, 'seeing things before they happen,' precognitive visions, the paranormal, 'Forks In The Road,' 'Ounces of Prevention,' 'Pounds of Cure,' myths, legends, 'tall tales,' 'Writings On The Wall,' 'writings on the floor and ceilings,' 'Going To The Well,' neer do wells, prognostication, procrastination, 'Not Putting Off Until Tomorrow What We Can Do Today,' table manners, 'Playing With The Cards We're Dealt,' 'Not Counting Our Chickens Before They Hatch,' 'Putting All Our Eggs In One Basket,' astrology, 'Chickens Crossing The Road,' 'Getting Our Ducks In A Row,' psychic phenomenon, 'Getting It Together,' 'Putting It All Together,' reindeer, Roswell, black holes, worm holes, shape shifting, shift changes, 'Punching The Clock,' 'Burning The Midnight Oil,' 'Burning The Candle At Both Ends,' 'Striking While The Iron Is Hot,' 'Having Too Many Irons In The Fire,' 'Playing With Fire,' 'Getting Ahead Of Ourselves,' 'Crying Over Spilled Milk,' human nature, Mother Nature, Father Time, Grandfather Clauses, grandfather clocks, coo-coo clocks, empires, mankind's history, philosophy, theology, music, musicals, popular culture, Chinese Checkers, 'Chips Off The Old Block,' 'Living In Glass Houses And Throwing Rocks,' 'Practicing What We Preach,' 'Practice Making Perfect,' 'Putting It All On The Line,' linear equations, geometry, geography, earth science, tectonics, astronomy, anatomy, agriculture, 'Stepping Up To The Plate,' espionage, 'Hearing It All Before,' sub consciousness, consciousness, 'Singing The Same Old Tune,' 'Singing A Different Tune,' crypto zoology, Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti, Abominable Snowmen, 'Skunk Apes,' The Loch Ness Monster, mothers-in-law, courts of law, 'Whodunits,' recombinant DNA, 'bed-and breakfasts,' 'fast-food joints,' 'Mom And Pop Stores,' remote viewings, remote controls, 'Work-At-Home Schemes,' 'The Straw That Breaks The Camel's Back,' Thunderbirds, 'moth men,' 'talking birds,' 'Birds In The Hand,' 'Birds In The Bush,' 'Little Birds Telling Us,' 'Flying The Coop,' political coups, politics, foreign policy, domestic policy, hoaxes, apparitions, constellations, radiation, hibernation, lost worlds, found worlds, engineering, 'Cradles of Civilization,' 'Jersey Devils,' manifestations, pandemics, academics, 'An Apple A Day,' 'Upsetting The Apple Cart,' 'The Apple Of Our Eye,' 'Dealing From The Bottom Of The Deck,' 'Blowing Off Steam,' 'Blowing Things Off,' 'Biting Off More Than We Can Chew,' unidentified flying objects, flying saucers, flying discs, Compact Discs, 'Making The Grade,' 'Making Mountains Out Of Molehills,' weather balloons, 'Rocking The Boat,' 'Shots Across The Bow,' 'The Flying Dutchman,' 'Taking The Wind Out Of Our Sails,' vulcanology, 'Flipping Our Lids,' shipwrecks, Forks In The Road,' nursery rhymes, 'Stitches In Time,' 'Johnny On The Spots,' ecology, 'going green,' 'Going To The Dogs,' 'Man's Best Friend,' 'Teaching Old Dogs New Tricks,' 'Barking Up The Wrong Tree, 'Getting Our Money's Worth,' 'Getting More Bang For Our Buck,' 'Letting The Chips Fall Where They May,' 'Rolling The Dice,' 'April Showers Bringing May Flowers,' storm chasers, spirit guides, 'Saving For A Rainy Day,' solar systems, computer systems, the Internet, hacking, spyware, malware, adware, viruses, Trojan Horses, the electronic age, old age, 'Leading Horses To Water,' 'Greener Grasses On The Other Side,' 'Not Seeing The Forest For The Trees,' 'Trees Falling In The Forest,' 'Falling Flat On Our Faces,' 'Burning Our Bridges Behind Us,' the afterlife, 'Continental Drift,' spontaneous combustion, 'The Big-Bang Theory,' hypotheses, principles, nutritional supplements, 'Putting Things On The Back Burner,' telescopes, supernovas, novas, galaxies, 'Martians,' 'Little Green Men,' 'Best Sellers,' 'Things That Go Bump In The Night,' television, 'Circling The Wagons,' 'Riding Off Into The Sunset,' 'Waking Up And Smelling The Coffee,' clairvoyance, 'Grabbing The Bull By The Horns,' 'Blowing Our Own Horns,' fables, 'Taking Charge,' electrical charges, weather forecasts, 'Looking Before We Leap,' 'Getting Away From It All,' 'Getting Our Bearings,' elastic rebound, space travel, travel agencies, tourist traps, government agencies, diplomacy, alternative medicine, athletics, sports, 'Being A Good Sport,' 'A Lot On Our Minds,' Northern Lights, telecommunications, interpersonal communication, 'Meeting Of The Minds,' 'Changes Of Heart,' 'Seeing It For What It Is,' 'Taking It All In,' 'Taking In The Sights,' 'Setting Our Sights,' summer blockbusters, natural disasters, manmade disasters, dating disasters, 'Watched Pots Never Boiling,' telepathy, 'Knowing Which End's Up,' 'Knowing Things From Holes In The Ground,' 'Putting One Foot Before The Other,' 'Standing On Our Own Two Feet,' 'Wheels Coming Off The Cart,' 'The Wheels Of Progress,' 'Reinventing The Wheel,' studies, experiments, 'Working Our Tails Off,' ''Bringing Up The Rear,' 'Being Ahead Of The Game,' 'Seizing The Moment,' literature, 'Behind The Ball,' motion pictures, 'Out Of The Loop,' Moving On,' 'Carrying On,' 'Carrying A Tune,' Morse Code, 'Whistling While We Work,' whistleblowers, air horns, electromagnetic fields, radio, 'The Wise Old Owl,' The Big Dipper, The Little Dipper, 'Letting The Cat Out Of The Bag,' 'Keeping A Tight Lip,' 'Passing The Buck,' economics, 'Getting The Upper Hand,' inventions, developments, 'Sums Of Knowledge,' knowledge bases, military bases, satellites, 'Big Brother,' 'Keeping Up With The Joneses,' 'Keeping Our Heads,' 'Getting Our Heads Straight,' 'Get To Where We're Going,' 'Getting Things Off Our Chests,' 'The Way The Cookie Crumbles,' telekinesis, 'Working 'Round The Clock,' 'Having A Lot On Our Plates,' 'What We Bring To The Table,' billiard tables, the Periodic Table of the Elements, 'Dishing It Out,' 'Taking It,' clinical trials, civil trials, counterintelligence, 'It Sucks To Be Us,' 'Pieces Of The Pie,' 'Seeing To The Heart Of The Matter,' 'Tell Me About It,' 'Running A Course,' theater, 'Par For The Course,' 'Join The Club!,' 'Welcome To It!,' "We Told You So,' 'The Ways Of The World,' karma, 'What Goes Around Comes Around,' 'Sweeping It All Under The Rug,' 'Mending Our Fences,' 'Looking Into It,' 'Looking Both Ways Before We Cross The Street,' Extra-Sensory Perception, extraterrestrials, and...
...Telling It Like It Is."