The Kiss
Cast:
BOB: A mediocre actor presently in the role of TULSA in the production of "GYPSY."
DANA: Woman playing the role of the cow in "GYPSY."
Scene: Dana is in her dressing room, which is also used as a closet. She sits in front of her mirror, brushing her hair and looking glum. She wears the bottom of her cow costume.
Bob leaps in. He just completed his number.
BOB
Dana! Oh my god! It was great! I finally did that leap! You know, the one with the broom! Without falling! Ah! What an audience!
Dana continues brushing her hair, not looking at him.
BOB
Is something wrong?
DANA
I don?t think I can see you anymore.
BOB
What? Why not? What?s the matter?
Bob notices the mops and brooms.
BOB
Is this a closet?
DANA
You KISSED a MAN!
BOB
What? I kissed a man? Me? Bob ?Hercules? Vaughn? I?ve never kissed a man in my life!
Bob pauses
BOB
Well, I did give my uncle a few pecks on the cheek, but that?s only because he was dead.
DANA
(appalled) You kissed a corpse?
BOB
He was my uncle! I mean, I didn?t even want to. My mom made me. And let me tell you, it wasn?t easy! The old guy was just sitting there on his couch...it was creepy.
DANA
(disgusted)You kissed a corpse on a couch?
BOB
It?s an Australian thing! He was there for, like, a week before they took him away.
Dana looks disgusted.
Bob pauses, suspiciously.
BOB
Wait. Is this about me not getting Rocky Horror? Because if it is, you can just tell me! I mean, the only reason I didn?t get it is because they, they, they thought I was too large for women?s underwear!
DANA
(confused) Wait! What?
BOB
My package! (referring to his groin) I mean, they didn?t say that out loud, but I know that?s what it was. They kept staring?like I was some freak!
DANA
What? No! This isn?t about that at all!
BOB
It?s not?
DANA
I didn?t even know you auditioned for that!
BOB
Oh. Well what is it, then?
Dana is speechless trying to remember what she?d been talking about.
DANA
Doug! He said you kissed him! Is that true?
BOB
What? I never kissed....oh. Right.
Dana gasps and covers her mouth.
DANA
So you DID kiss him!
BOB
It was a scene in a play! I had to!
DANA
Did you have to stick your tongue down his throat, too?
Bob is stifled, momentarily.
BOB
Well I had to make it look real, didn?t I?
Dana gasps loudly, in outrage.
DANA
You are vile! That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard!
She yells out, grunts as if in pain.
DANA
Get out! I never want to see you again!
BOB
I don?t understand! I only kissed him once! It...it...it didn?t mean anything!
DANA
I can?t be with a guy that?s kissed another MAN! I just couldn?t trust you!
BOB
What? What is THAT supposed to mean? That doesn?t even make sense! I just kissed him because it was part of the play! Lots of great actors have done the same thing!
DANA
Like who?
BOB
Well...like...that guy in the movie about the queer cowboys!
DANA
Yeah! Well that guy is gay!
BOB
He?s not gay!
DANA
Oh, he is SO GAY.
BOB
No he?s not! I saw him on an interview and...
Bob stops himself.
BOB
Is that what you?re afraid of? That I?m gay?
Dana is silent for a moment.
DANA
Are you?
BOB
Me? Bob ?Tarzan? Vaughn? No way!
Bob pauses.
BOB
You think that?s what people think? That I?m gay?
DANA
I don?t know what other people think!
BOB
Well, that could explain everything! I mean, why they gave the role to Kyle first....you know, before he got the crabs and dropped out. Because, you know, Tulsa runs off with June, so, you know, he can?t be gay...
DANA
Well maybe if you don?t want people thinking you?re gay, you shouldn?t go around kissing other guys!
He looks at her thoughtfully.
BOB
But?
Bob stops himself from arguing further.
BOB
Look. Maybe you?re right.
She softens.
DANA
Of course I?m right.
BOB
I mean, I know I shouldn?t kiss guys?even if it?s for a play.
He pulls her into his arms and they embrace.
BOB
Unless, of course, it?s for a movie or something...then maybe I can give the guy a peck on the cheek...
She looks at him.
BOB
I mean, you know, only if it?s written in the script. Because, a movie is...wow! A movie role is BIG! It?s not like you can do what you want...well, at least not before you?re a big star, like...Adam Sandler.
DANA
I guess you?re right.
They kiss, passionately.
Bob interjects with a conversation, which takes place as they lightly kiss each other.
BOB
Can I ask you a question?
DANA
Sure.
BOB
Are you a boggart?
DANA
What?
BOB
You know, a boggart. You don?t like gays.
Dana laughs.
DANA
Silly! You mean ?bigot?
BOB
Oh. Right. Well, are you? A bigot?
Dana stops kissing and looks thoughtful
DANA
Well, if being a bigot means that I think that homosexuality is a plague created by the devil to destroy humanity, I guess my answer is ?yes.?
BOB
Oh.
They embrace in silence.
DANA
Is something wrong?
BOB
Well, I don?t know...
DANA
Please tell me...
BOB
I know I shouldn?t get stuck on this, but I know people think I?m not good enough to play Tulsa.....that, that they should have given the part back to Kyle.....you know, after he got rid of the crabs. (shakes his head, sighing) I mean, I think when I?m out there as Tulsa, I AM TULSA! You know?
He looks at her with great seriousness.
Dana smiles.
DANA
Yeah. I know.
They kiss
End.
