There’s no way around this but we need to talk some shit.
Why? Because it’s the greatest word in the English language.
Yep, shit just got real...
So we’re talking shit. Literally.
But if we were ‘talking shit’ then we’re about to fight.
And if you didn’t want to fight you’d be chicken shit.
You could also be called a ‘chicken’ but that’s also a game.
You can play chicken, the game of chicken. But if you play with chicken shit...
Of course, that could all be horse shit.
Now, horse shit is a noun whereas ‘bullshit’ is a noun AND a verb
Why are bulls more adaptable than horses?
Anyway, both horse shit and bull shit is ‘saying things that aren’t true.
The verb ‘bullshitting’ is someone actually telling lies.
Whereas horse shitting is... well, a horse taking a poo.
And the same goes for dog shit.
The actual stuff is disgusting.
That describes really bad food or a night out.
But what if you had a shitload of beer and got shitfaced?
That night would be ‘The shit’.
And you’d then be happier than a pig in shit.
I mean what???
How can one word have so many different meanings?
What are we doing now – shooting the shit?
At least we’re doing something, not Jack shit, I suppose.
Then again you could go ape shit after taking too much shit and tell someone to “eat shit”.
But what if that person already has a ‘shit eating grin’?
PERFORMER DOES A LARGE SMILE
Of course, if I kept that smile going someone could “beat the shit out of me”.
Or even worse, if the shit’s alive, they could “beat the living shit out of me”.
And no-one wants that. ‘The Living Shit’ – probably the worst comic book character of all time.
Like ‘The Living Laser’ just... shitter.
Speaking of comic book characters, if you’re furious or insane, you can be bat shit.
Bat shit crazy or bat shit mental.
I don’t know. Perhaps it’s all just a crock of shit.
Because it doesn’t have to be all bad.
I mean you could look like a brick shithouse.
And tell shit -hot jokes that make you funny as shit.
Combine all those and you’d be hot shit.
Or ‘holy shit!’, meaning something incredible.
Does that comes from an actual blessing. Like holy water?
Anyway, I bet that shit don’t stink.
So... I’m not sitting you when I say ‘shit’ is the greatest word in the English language.
Just like this:
“Holy shit! I was so shit scared of this shit-kicking shithead built like a brick shithouse I met while out getting shitfaced. I thought the shit was about to hit the fan because I was really up shit creek. But then I got my shit together and realised that shit happens. This little shit ain’t shit and so I started talking shit. Soon the shit-for-brains knew he was in deep shit, about to get shit-canned from this shit-hole. So the dipshit took my shit and he ended up giving me his shit. And I ended up with a shit-eating grin because I knew I was... The Shit!”
© Thom Goddard 2015
First performed at the Greenwich Comedy Festival as part of the ‘Handsome Dark Comedy Correction’.