Comedy Sketch Show

Comedy Sketch Show

(Unknown)   by tnsk1988

Comedy Skits   (45246 Views 1 Comments)

Deal or no deal alternatives Deal or no Deal

This is just like the normal game, except that one box has a mystery surprise in, either good or bad that is decided before the game by picking a ball from a bag and the mystery prize then is displayed on the board in place of the ?1000.
The mystery surprise on this occasion is toxic gas.
Cut to the last two boxes
The participant is left with ?100000 and toxic gas and is offered ?25000 by the banker
Noel: ?25000 deal or no deal
Participant: Deal
Noel: Well done and now let?s conclude the game
The participant?s box is opened to reveal ?100000
Audience sighs
Noel: Unlucky, but you couldn?t take the risk really. Still you?ve been a great contestant and someone we will remember. Now box number 17 needs to be opened to complete the game, Terry (one of the contestants) open the box please
Terry: But Noel, I?m pretty sure if I open this box that toxic gas will come out
Noel: Terry if you don?t open the box we can?t finish the game, so open it please
Terry: But Noel we will all get poisoned if I open it.
Noel: terry if you don?t open the box the Miranda (the contestant who has just won 25000) cannot win the money and we all know she needs it to pay off her considerable debt.
Terry: No Noel.
Noel: Do you want Miranda to go away with nothing and be in terrible debt? No? Well open the damn box and let?s finish the game
Terry: Very well Noel, but don?t say I didn?t warn you!
Terry opens the box and toxic gas is released
The contestants, Noel and the audience start to choke
Cut to Noel who in to the camera says: Thanks for joining us on deal or no deal (coughs and falls on to his knees). Join us again for another show tomorrow, bye?.
Noel then falls flat on to the floor ? then as the credits run everybody starts to collapse and cough, all the people end up lying on the floor as the credits end.
Treatment or no treatment
People with varying injuries are offered the chance to play for a treatment for their injury. These treatments range from no treatment (being discharged) to triple heart bypass ? it is like deal or no deal in that it is played in the same format only the correct treatment for that person likely will not be won. The banker offers deals such as in the real deal or no deal game based on what treatments are left on the board.
The sketch
The contestant has a minor head injury requiring only stitches (which has been lost as an option from the board)
The contestant is left with a discharge or triple heart bypass surgery as his two remaining boxes
Banker rings......
Host: Hello and what deal are you offering
Banker relays the information
Host: the banker is offering a hernia operation
Contestant: Hmmm can I have my partner come down and help me decide
Host: Yes absolutely, Sarah come on down
Audience claps
Contestant: What should I do?
Sarah: It?s up to you I don?t feel you should risk the triple heart bypass and a hernia operation is pretty safe, but it?s up to you if you feel lucky then gamble
Contestant: Okay I?ve decided, ask me the question
Host: okay Adam, treatment or no treatment?
Contestant: Treatment
Audience claps
Host: Let?s see what was in your box
Box is opened
Host: You had a discharge in your box
Crowd lets out an ooo
Contestant: Well I couldn?t risk the triple heart bypass so I?m happy with the outcome
Host: Okay, thank you you?ve been a great contestant, let?s hear it for Adam!
Audience clap
Host: Join us next time on treatment or no treatment where someone?s life could be changed forever!

Goldilocks and the three bears

Bear: Who?s been eating my porridge?
Goldilocks: That was me sorry I was hungry
Bear: For God?s sake that was my breakfast and you just go and eat it, you?re a guest in the house you have no right!
Goldilocks: Alright calm down, I said I was sorry
Later upstairs
Bear: Who?s been sleeping in my bed?
Goldilocks: Oh sorry me again, my bed was uncomfortable and you were out so I went there
Bear: Damn you goldilocks, that just not on, it?s not like I go in to your house and use all of your items!
Goldilocks: Chill man it?s just a bed I?ll make it later
Bear: You better do and if anything else happens won?t be held responsible for my actions!
Later in the bathroom
Bear: What the hell, who?s used all my shower gel and left the toilet un flushed!
Goldilocks: Oh, yer about that, it was me, I?m sorry I was in a rush
Bear: Roar
The bear hits goldilocks with his paw and mauls her
Later at barbecue
Bear2: It?s a shame goldilocks couldn?t be here for this, where did she go again?
Bear: She decided to go home, but it?s okay I?m sure she is here in spirit
Bear2: Oh right good for her making up with her parents
Bear: She tastes delicious
Bear2: Excuse me?
Bear: I said she would have found this delicious (smirk on face and licking lips)
Bear2: Yes I?m sure she would, what meat did you say it was again?
Bear: I?m not sure but it?s fresh.

Batman and Robin

Batman is in a psychiatric assessment unit because he claims to have a sidekick called robin
Doctor: Your name is Andy, there is no such person as Robin and you are not a superhero?
Batman: But I am, look outside I came in the Batmobile!
Doctor, all there is outside is a fiat punto?
Batman: Robin must have taken it; he said he was going to get some milk from the shops
Doctor: I think I?ve seen enough, take him away?
Batman: (screaming) No, no, I am real, believe me, Robin help, help!
Doctor: Robin can?t help you know (he then injects begins to inject Batman with a sedative)
Robin then walks to the front desk asking to see Batman
Robin then sees Batman down the corridor kicking and screaming his name
Robin then slowly edges backwards towards the exit and out of the door
Cut to the Batmobile outside, Robin calmly gets in and drives away, leaving Batman in a secure unit for further assessment.

God in court

God is on trial charged with molesting a child
Day 5
Prosecutor: Danny (the child witness) what happened the night God was with you
Danny: Well I was sleeping and then woke up to see God in my room. We talked for a little bit and then he put his arm round me and then touched me.
Prosecutor: Where did he touch you? Show me on this doll
Danny: He touched me there, (shoulder), there (leg) and there (crotch) (Danny starts to cry)
God: Oh for God?s sake who you gonna believe, a freaking kid or the Lord himself!
Judge: Order, calm yourself God or you?ll be removed
God: You?ll remove me, haha that is funny, I could remove you!?
Judge: Last warning God, behave yourself!?
God: Oh shut up I can do what I like because incase you have forgotten I am God and I can do anything!?
Judge: Right last warning, take him away
Officers go to escort God to the jail
God: Oh nice one judge. And Danny, yes you, you little punk, I didn?t touch you and I wouldn?t touch you, your an ugly kid with no hope in life. Don?t expect to live a long life; I can end it when I want to!
God: God away!
God then flies up in the air and out through an open window.

Jesus looking for his real father

Jesus decides to track down his real dad and does so by using sources that he has acquired.
Mary is reluctant to help Jesus as God made it clear that she and Joseph were to look after Jesus on earth ? Mary therefore tells Jesus to speak to Peter and Michael, friends and people close to god
Jesus: Hi, I was told that you two could help me find my father, God.
Peter: Erm well I guess we could
Michael: Whats in it for us? Money? A goat?
Jesus: I?ll give you a goat
They discuss it
Michael: Ok we accept that proposal
Peter: Right so you?ll need to go to kings Cross station and find platform 9 and ??s
Michael (sniggering) Yer you?ll find it by identifying the pillar next to the trolleys
Peter: Right and then you?ll need to take a trolley and run as fast as you can and smash the trolley in to the wall
Michael: And if you do that you should pass through it and get in to heaven where you?ll be able to find God
Jesus: Thanks guys, I?ll do that, I?m so excited about meeting my dad ? can you guys come with me and make sure I do it right?
Michael: Sure, why not
At the station Jesus proceeds to grab the trolley as instructed and run at the pillar. However instead of going through the wall, Jesus just smashes in to the wall with the trolley and falls on to his back.
Peter and Michael laugh hysterically
Peter: hahaha, I didn?t think he?d actually do it
Michael: I told you he would, haha, I haven?t laughed this much in years
Jesus: What?s going on? Nothing happened
Peter: haha we were kidding mate, we didn?t think you?d actually do it!
Jesus; So you can?t help me find my dad?
Michael: We can?t but your mum can, she can get you up to heaven, I?m surprised she didn?t tell you.
Jesus: okay thanks
Peter: We still get the goat right? Cause you would still wouldn?t know where to look if it wasn?t for us
Jesus: Okay fine, a deals a deal
Michael: Result! (High fives peter)
Later on Jesus asks Mary for help finding God
Jesus: Mum, peter and Michael said you know how I can get to see Dad, please help me
Mary: Okay, only because you really want to see him. I?ve got his number and I?ll phone him, but he said only to use it in an emergency.
Jesus: Thanks mum
Mary phones God and gets his secretary who beams Jesus up to heavens gates.
Jesus is allowed through the pearly gates by Barry from Eastenders
Jesus: Hey, your Barry from Eastenders, I thought you were still alive?
Barry: I am, but the character is dead, hence I am here ? now I here you want to find God?
Jesus Yes, please help me, I want to see my Dad.
Barry: Okay. Well go through the gates and walk straight for a mile or so. Turn right at the statue of Mickey Mouse. Proceed down the road until you reach the supermarket called Heavenly Goods on your left. Go in and buy me an angel cake please. Then go out and turn left out the exit. Then walk straight on until you see the big mansion named Gods crib. Press the button at the front and you?ll speak to his receptionist and then you will be let through to see God.
Jesus: Thanks
Cut to Jesus meeting God who is like a gangster rapper
God: yo yo yo, whats up my friend, what you representing?
Jesus: What?
God: I said what?s up homie
Jesus: Erm i?m good thanks Dad. I just came to see you as I wanted to see what you are like.
God. I?m a chilled back man. Nice to see you in my hood boy.
Jesus: So why did you let me go?
God: Well I had a duty to do up here, but I left you in some good hands, you feel me?
Jesus: yes Mary and Joseph are nice people, but when can I spend some father and son time with you?
God: I?ve got some business to do at the moment. I put you in that crib with Mary and Joseph so you?d be brought up well and you?d do your duty on earth. That time aint up yet boy. You go back and do your job and when the time comes you can come and stay with me homie.
Jesus: okay Dad. It was great to meet you.
God: You to player

God gets Jesus killed ? based on the last supper story

God: What?s wrong with Jesus Judas? He has become so arrogant, I put him on earth to do good, and now he is getting cocky about the powers I gave him and is abusing them to show off.
Judas: I think the power has got to him; he wants to act out and show he is cool.
Cut to Jesus showing off by slicing his arm open and healing it again and then walking on water.
God: He needs to be taught a lesson. He thinks he?s God?s gift to society!
Judas: Isn?t he?
God: haha yer he is your right, but he?s still a cocky ****
Judas: What do you have in mind then?
God: Well I?ve got an idea. We?ll have a dinner; we?ll call it the last supper. You need to tip the Romans off about Jesus? whereabouts, because they hate him. Then you lead Jesus straight to the Romans and let them do what they do.
Judas: But they will kill him won?t they?
God: Crucify him to be precise, but yes he?ll be dead.
Judas: I can?t kill your son.
God: of course you can. Don?t worry I?ll bring him back to life; I just need to teach him a lesson. I tell you what I?ll reserve you a place at my poker table for when you come to heaven. You can play alongside me, Peter Griffin, Elmo etc.
Judas: Okay, but only because you want me to
Later on Judas leads Jesus to the Romans as instructed and he is crucified after being captured.
Judas: Erm God I?ve just thought of something
God: Yes Judas
Judas: If he was cocky because he could walk on water and other stuff, won?t he be even more cocky now he is going to be brought back to life?
God: Damn it I never thought of that
Judas: Could you not replace him with someone else if needed?
God: No, the only other option was Precila the cow and she?s a cow!
Judas: Ah ok, well we better hope he becomes less cocky then
God: Yes we will. Or I?ll have to teach him another lesson
End of scene

Feeding of the 5000

Jesus tells the crowd that all they have is 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and that he intend to feed them all with just this food.
The crowd seem taken aback but it is Jesus who has told them and they want to believe him
Then a man from the crowd steps forward and says
?Are you kidding me Jesus?! You intend to feed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish?! That isn?t even enough to make a meal for Judy!
(Cut to Judy an obese woman)
?Are you high or something??
Jesus: No! I am the son of God and I have the power to make you all feel full?. The only drug I am on is the drug of the Lord?
Peter the man from the crowd: Ha, sure, so what are you on Crack?
Jesus: No!
Peter: Marijuana?
Jesus: No
Peter: Heroin?
Jesus: No
Peter: Right so your just mental then?!
Jesus: No I will feed you all with the food we have here
Peter: Your a joke mate, an absolute joke, you can?t feed us all!
Peter then walks up to Jesus and grabs a fish and slaps him in the face and the shouts
?Get a grip of yourself man! If you really think you can feed us all with that food then you are crazy!?
Jesus: Shut up! No food for you then!?
Peter: Like it?s gonna make much difference you idiot!?
Jesus: I don?t like your tone. I may be the son of God but I?m not afraid to beat you up!?
Peter: Bring it on crazy man!?
Jesus and Peter then approach each other and square off. Jesus is carrying a bag and Peter shoves Jesus and the bag falls to the ground.
Matthew an aid of Jesus? picks the bag up, but next to it on the floor is a bag of white powder
Peter: Ha I told you all he?s on crack!
Matthew: Jesus is this true?
Jesus: Yes, I mean if you really think all you need is the Lord to be happy then your mad, I need something to make me happy!
Peter: Good on you mate, I?m on heroin myself but I agree you need a pick me up!
Matthew: I am disappointed in you Jesus, you have let us down
Jesus: Sorry Matthew but if you believe that I could feed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish then you are crazy!
Matthew: I believe in the Lord, that is my drug
Jesus: You don?t believe that, here try some crack
Matthew tries some and then they pass it around and everybody gets high
God them emerges in the sky
God: Jesus you little brat I didn?t put you on the earth to take drugs!
Jesus: Relax man, it makes you feel good, try some
God then tires some and says: Man I feel good, great job Jesus!
Jesus: Thanks Dad
God: Erm about that, you aren?t really my son, I just adopted you from Joseph, I?ve got the papers if you need to see them
Jesus: But does that mean......?
God: Yes you aren?t entitled to my estate, hahaha
Jesus: Noooooooooooooooo!
End of scene

Tony the Tiger

Tony is in rehab following his cocaine addiction
Tony has been given a second chance and is continuing to make adverts for Frosties
Scene ? Tony filming the add
Tony eats a mouthful of Frosties and says ?They?re great?
Director: Cut
Tony: Get me a bucket please
Tony then throws up in the bucket
Tony: Remind me why I do this
Director: Because you?d be stuck in a rehab clinic otherwise
Tony: That might be the better option; at least I wouldn?t have to eat this crap!
Later on the Honey monster is seen in Tony?s dressing room and offers him some cocaine ? he does this because he wants Tony gone because Frosties are easily outselling Sugar Puffs
Tony however refuses the drugs
The Honey monster accepts this and leaves, however he sprinkles some cocaine over the Frosties on set as he leaves
Later on during filming, Tony takes a mouthful of Frosties
Tony: They?re great, yer, yer man, wooooooo they?re great, freaking great, woooo! (Tony?s pupils dilate)
Tony grabs the Director
Tony: They?re great (grabs the tea lady and says they?re great)
Tony then grabs the child actor and holds him to the wall and grabs the bowl of Frosties and say ?Get some of this down you kid, it?s great!
The child is forced to eat the cereal and then his pupils dilate and the scene ends with Tony and the child actor trashing the set.

Tony the Tiger2

Tony the tiger sketch ? basically tony is addicted to cocaine and only eats frosties because they have cocaine sprinkled on, he actually hates frosties and is a fan of sugar puffs.
Tony is found out to be a cocaine addict and sent to rehab ? after rehab he is given another chance to be the face of frosties and do an advert
Tony just finishes the add after eating the cereal and then it cuts to him in the back
Tony is making himself sick because he hates the taste of frosties
Producer: Tony what are you doing?!
Tony: I hate Frosties, without the cocaine on top they are disgusting, I can?t eat them!
Producer: Well you have to or you?re out of a job
Tony: Put some cocaine on and you?ve got a deal, please?
Cut to the honey monster who has frosties and as the brand are losing out to frosties, sprinkles some cocaine on it ? Tony sees and runs across the road to get them, he is hit by a car.
Alternative sketch ? Tony has just come out of rehab and is shooting a public add
He finishes eating the frosties when he is seen throwing up by a child who starts crying
Tony: Shut up kid I hate the things
The crowd go silent, and then start to boo
Tony loses it and starts shouting and cursing at them, he then grabs a man and starts to push him shouting ?Give me some damn cocaine; I can?t eat this shit without cocaine!?
He is approached by security guards and starts fighting them ? he is then carried away shouting ? ??l'll get you for this, I?ll get you, anyone who eats that crap frosties is going down, you mark my words!
The next day we hear of a shooting at an add where frosties were being filmed, Tony is picked up at the scene high on cocaine and shouting I warned you I warned you!

Lady in Red re release ? Lady with aids

DJ: And now a new track that which is an alternative version to the classic hit Lady in red by Chris De Bergh, by John Doe, it?s Lady with aids, enjoy.
I?d never seen you looking so lovely as you did that night,
It should have given me a fright,
I?d never seen a woman ask so many men to dance,
You were looking for a little romance, given half a chance,
And I?d never seen a dress so revealing
Or the glistening of your lips that caught my eye,
I had been blind

Lady with aids, who infected me, that fateful week,
I wish there was nobody here, just you and me,
Then i?d break your neck,
Oh I hardly knew the evil by my side,
I?ll never ever forget, what you did that night.

I?d never seen a girl so desperate as you were that night,
That should have given me a fright, you were so evil,
I?d never seen so many people there by your side,
And when you turned to me and smiled, that?s when it started,
And i?ve never had such a feeling,
Such a feeling of complete and utter hate, as I did that night,

Lady with aids, who infected me, that fateful week,
I wish there was nobody here just you and me,
So I could break your neck,
Oh I never knew the evil by my side,
I?ll never ever forget, what you did that night,

I never will forget, what you did that night.......
The lady with aids, the lady with aids,
The lady with aids, the lady with aids,
I hate you
Actual Lady in red song lyrics are shown below.

I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight,
I've never seen you shine so bright,
I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance,
They're looking for a little romance, given half a chance,
And I have never seen that dress you're wearing,
Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes,
I have been blind;

The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek,
There's nobody here, it's just you and me,
It's where I want to be,
But I hardly know this beauty by my side,
I'll never forget the way you look tonight;

I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight,
I've never seen you shine so bright, you were amazing,
I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side,
And when you turned to me and smiled, it took my breath away,
And I have never had such a feeling,
Such a feeling of complete and utter love, as I do tonight;

The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek,
There's nobody here, it's just you and me,
It's where I want to be,
But I hardly know this beauty by my side,
I'll never forget the way you look tonight;

I never will forget the way you look tonight...
The lady in red, the lady in red,
The lady in red, my lady in red,

I love you...

Old People?s home and death.

A man is staring out of the window in an old people?s home in to a graveyard across the road. In the graveyard stands a hooded man dressed in black with a scythe, the man is death.
Death is staring at the man and sharpening his scythe with a stone. He then proceeds to tap his watch and point at an unmarked tombstone next to him.
Death mouths ?It?s time, I?m coming for you!?
The old man pulls the curtain and turns around.
We then cut to the floor of his room where there is a yellow pool of liquid, the man has wet himself.
Then there is a knock at the door and in comes a man dressed as death who then takes off his mask and says:
?Oh that was hilarious Grandad, you should have seen your face! ?? Oh God you?ve wet yourself, haha!?
Grandad: ?You bastard, I?m gonna get you back boy!?

Man?s Christmas present to wife.

On Christmas morning, a husband and wife are opening presents, and the wife opens her husbands present to see a tombstone with her name on it, and today?s date and the time 11.
She asks her husband, ?Why did you give me a tombstone with my name and todays date on it, and it says ?A loving wife and Daughter, we will all miss you, died at 11, it?s 10:59 now, what?s going on?!?.
The husband looks at his watch as it strikes 11, and says,?I love you honey, but it?s time?, he picks up a spade, and the next shot is of him at the funeral of his wife.

Cat poo add

You can doo it to with cat poo
Exfoliate your skin (image of man rubbing cat poo on his face)
Bathe your children (image of child being bathed)
Serve it as a tasty snack (image of cat poo being eaten)
Wash your car (image of car being washed)
Paint your house (image of walls being painted)
Or Wash your hair (picture of hair being washed)
The possibilities are endless
And for the great price of just ?12.99 for a 1 litre tub, what are you waiting for?
Warning, contact with your eyes may cause blindness and eating the substance may be harmful. This substance also smells and may cause a severe rash in some people.

Celebrity Cull

This is a new programme hosted by Ant and Dec and set in the jungle, it is a take on I?m a celebrity get me out of here. The celebs are voted to do a challenge with the one being voted in being put in a life threatening situation. The winner is the one the public doesn?t vote to do a challenge and hence is the survivor.
Ant: Hi I?m ant
Dec: And I am Dec
Ant: And welcome to Celebrity Cull!
Dec: Each day you will vote a celebrity to compete in a challenge which will be a life threatening challenge. If the celebrity fails to complete the challenge and dies then they are eliminated from the programme. The winner will be the celebrity who isn?t voted for a challenge, or if a celebrity survives a challenge, them the winner will be the celebrity who is the last survivor.
Ant: And let?s welcome the contestants;
Abi Titmus, Jordan, Michael Barrymore, John Burton Race, Joan Rivers, Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, Kate Moss, Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse, Kerry Katona and Madonna.
Cut to the result of the 1st vote
Ant: and the public have decided that, Jordan you will be doing the 1st challenge.
Dec: Yes and for the challenge you will have to swim for 5 minutes in a pool full of starved crocodiles. If you survive then you will immune from the next vote.
Ant: And if you don?t survive then thanks for competing!

?1 shop scene

Customer: How much is this?
Shop assistant: ?1, everything is ?1
Customer: Oh, ok thanks
Later on
Customer: How much is this?
Shop assistant: ?1 everything is ?1
Customer: Oh ok and how much is this?
Shop assistant: Are you taking the mick, everything is ?1, I keep telling you that!
Customer: Sorry I have a bad memory
Customer: Oh and how much for this bag of sweets?
Shop Assistant: ?1, everything?s ?1 , you f***ing moron!
Customer: Alright calm down, I only asked you the price
Shop assistant: But I?ve told you several times that everything?s ?1
Customer: Oh ok, I?m sorry
Shop assistant: Ok
Customer: Oh excuse me mate, these scissors are there any cheaper than the ?1 ones?
Shop assistant: Everything is ?1 you idiot!
Customer: Ok, relax
Shop assistant: (Grabs a bottle of drink) Do you know how much this costs?
Customer: Yer, it?s ?1, everything?s ?1, you should know that, you work here
Shop assistant: What, I do know that, you?re the one that has been asking the price of everything you blooming idiot!
Customer: Well, thats insulting. I think I?ll take my custom elsewhere to somewhere I?m appreciated. Yes I?ll go the the 99p store, at least they price things properly there!
Customer walks out of the store and the scene ends

Modelling Audition for a body lotion/cream

Man turns up
Interviewer: Any medical problems or things you feel may affect your ability to work or do the job in hand?
Man: No
Interviewer: Ok good, now could you go and strip down and get ready for your modelling demonstration please
The man lies down as instructed on the couch
Interviewer: What the hell? Your whole upper body is scarred!
Man: Erm yer, shark attack
Interviewer: But they?re all over your upper body, everywhere
Man: yer, several sharks attacked me
Interviewer: No way, they are just stretch marks or something, maybe you used to be fat!
Man: Scars that have been greatly improved by your cream!
Interviewer: No we can?t have your body on screen; we are trying to attract customers
Man: Well it didn?t say no scars allowed on the add
Interviewer: Well it?s obvious!
Man: No it?s racist or something, I deserve an equal opportunity to audition
Interviewer: just leave
Man: I?ll sue you guys, I will, you haven?t heard the last of this ? infact (grabs the cream) why don?t you audition, he strips the interviewer and rubs the cream over him ? Oh you?re hideous, we don?t want people like you auditioning!
Security drag him away kicking and screaming
Man: you?ll pay for this, and your cream is shit!

Can I have some nuts? Shop scene

Customer: Can I have an adult magazine please?
Shop assistant: Nuts?
Customer: No just an adult magazine please
Shop assistant: Nuts
Customer: No thanks, just an adult magazine please
Shop assistant: Yes I know, the adult magazine is called Nuts
Customer: Oh right, sorry, yes I?ll take it please
Shop assistant: Anything else?
Customer: Erm, just this bag of nuts thanks
Shop assistant: I thought you didn?t want any nuts?
Customer: I didn?t but all this talk of nuts made me yearn for some nuts
End of scene

Only For Men hair colour add

Only For men hair colour can stop your hair from going grey and take years off your appearance.
Cut to Dave a model for the add
Dave: I was going grey all over, Only for men was the last hope I had of keeping my hair from going grey and it worked. I now look 10 years younger and feel so much better; I even have a new girlfriend, all thanks to Only for men hair colour. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to stop going grey.
Announcement by the man doing the voice over
Warning, this product has only been tested on women and animals, causing baldness in 90% of participants. Product also contains chemicals which significantly increase the risk of developing cancer and may cause severe ageing effects. This product is also banned in many countries such as the USA and Canada where it has reportedly caused over 50 new cases of cancer.
So what are you waiting for? Try Only For Men hair colour today!

Allens Daily moisturising cream

This daily moisturising cream has unbelievable effects on people?s skin. Anybody with dry or rough skin will be amazed at how quickly the lotion works and is able to make your skin feel smooth and refreshed.
Linda an actress: My skin was always dry and cracked and no matter what cream I tried the results were still the same, I was left with dry and cracked skin. Then I heard about Allens daily moisturising cream. I tried it and within 3 days my skin was feeling better and within a week it was so smooth and refreshed it was unbelievable.
This product would have been rated 5 stars by Beauty magazine, had the judges accepted our bribe, as it is we are not rated in any magazine and currently have over 1000 lawsuits against us in Britain alone.
If you want smooth skin and a refreshing feeling then buy Allens daily moisturising cream, a 20ml bottle is only ?99.99 and has been proven to work by our team, in their garden shed.
If you want smooth skin, buy Allens daily moisturising cream, your gateway to smooth skin!
Warning this product could cause severe side effects in a majority of users. Side effects include Jaundice, severe liver and kidney damage, potential blindness and possible paralysis.

Inappropriate Football Fans Chants:

At a funeral you see a coffin being lowered into the ground, and while this happens the picture cuts to a group of football fans who start to chant:
?Going down, going down, going down...... We?ll never see you again, we?ll never see you again, again!?.
Would be used in a series of 6 sketches, this an example of how a typical sketch would go.
Others include chanting ?Your getting raped in the morn

Comedy Type: Script Length: Post date:

Copyright Statement



Submitted by Tierian (not verified) on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 10:37
Will it be okay if we used some of these scripts for some shows? they are really good.

Unknown Comedy Skits - Comedy Sketch Show