Channel News at O'Clock!
Voice over: Channel Nooz with 5-time Emmy award watching anchor Jake Robinson shots of me reading paper, making gestures, winking at camera
Rake Nobinson, weather shots of explaining weather,
Lake Gobinson, sports shots of me missing baseball, throwing ball poorly, missing basketball shot
And Bake Bobinson in the field, shot of me in a field
It’s Channel Nooz at O’clock! Panning shot of everyone
Jake: Good evening everyone, here’s some extremely relevant information turn that you all need to know.
A banana slips on a man, not much else to say there
A local boy jumps off a roof in an attempt to make a viral video, sometimes you just need to know when to stop
And a new development has developed, President Trump did something that upset some people wow I never would have thought I’d see the day
Turn Now lets head over to Rake with weather, Rake?
Rake: Thanks Jake, now let’s take a look at our forecast here.
As you can see here uh it’s sunny, um, yeah it’s pretty nice out right now.
But it could storm later this week, I don’t know, we have no way of knowing you can just look it up online
It looks like there’s a lot of grass and trees, so expect some of that to be coming your way.
Back to you Jake.
Jake: turn That’s not… okay
Now let’s get into our main story for the evening.
A banana slips on a man, the roles have been reversed, and we have a special guest here today to give us first-hand knowledge on the incident.
Turn Banana, can you tell us a little bit about what happened?
Banana: So I was um choked up just walking down the street, minding my own business, when all the sudden under my peel I saw a man.
They say it’s just a myth, but it’s no myth.
I slipped on the man, and now look at me, I’ll be rotten within a day cries
Jake: turn Wow that is truly tragic. Do you have anything else to say about the incident?
Banana: I’m sorry crying I can’t do this anymore
Jake: Shot of me not in chair, pans over to me trying to peel banana, notices camera walks back to chair
Clears throat This is truly heart-breaking indeed.
Okay let’s head over to sports with Lake Gobinson, Lake?
Lake: Football season is nearly upon us! But um I’ve been told by the studio angrily that we should cover the recent events of the world cup.
The world cup was held in Russia this year, turned those communist bastards errrrr…
Anyways Croatia wherever that is sounds made up, tried to win the final, but the French somehow pulled out a victory… turned bastards.
Other than that, Rolando scored a bunch of goals, someone was messy, and another individual was confused and thought they were supposed to be doing a gymnastics routine.
Now it’s time for some real sports FOOTBALL YEAH
Camera back to Jake, turned FOOTBALL WOO YEAH HELL YEAH
Jake: after listening to Lake in the background, that’s some great stuff Lake thank you
Let’s head out to the field with Bake and see what kind of work he’s been doing, Bake? Hand to ear
Bake: hand to ear for too long, yelling So today I’m gonna be mowing the grass, it’s very long and needs maintenance… that’s all, back to you Jake
Jake: Shot of me eating banana, look at screen, take bite out of mouth, put in peel, and push to the side
That’s some great work in the field out there Bake!
For our final segment here today we have a local boy who jumped off the roof in an attempt to make a viral video!
Turn So uh why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Parkour Jake: Hi uh my name is Parkour Jake, I’m literally the same exact person as you in every way except I’m really into parkour.
Jake: turn Hmm interesting, interesting, so why do you pursue this kind of career?
Parkour Jake: Just the rush of pulling off some of those crazy moves, that feeling you get when the adrenaline is just coursing through your veins after doing some of those wild stunts. It’s just incomparable
Jake: turned I think you mean uncomparable
Parkour Jake: In-un-incomparable, noncomparable
Jake: turned Noncomparable? Ehh that still doesn’t sound right.
Parkour Jake: The feeling cannot be compared. There.
Jake: Wow, truly inspiring.
Parkour Jake: I can actually show you, if you don’t mind, some of my parkour right now.
Jake: turned Oh wow uh yeah, in the studio, yeah go for it.
Parkour Jake: Okay, here it goes, runs and fails
Jake: shocked look, sits back down
Okay that’s all we have for you today.
For everyone here at Channel Nooz, we’d like to thank you for tuning in, and have a good night, see ya next time
While playing news music
do doo dodooo dodo
Is that guy okay, no? He’s fine
I should probably have a cool sign off thing, I guess the writer just got a bit lazy
How did someone first discover milking a cow? Were they just like, a look at that cow, I’m gonna go yank at its nips. Oh whats this? Some kind of fluid is coming out of it, lemme just drink some of that. Like what who did that I wanna know.
Oh I’m done, I’ll just shuffle my papers some more and pretend I’m talking to me colleagues