Alien Sighting

Alien Sighting

()   by HunterF
 

Comedy Skits   (1048 Views 2 Comments)

ALIEN SIGHTING

HUNTERF

 

Susan

Richard, you would not believe what I saw this morning when I was folding laundry! It was the most amazing thing!

 

Richard

Was it the ghost of Andrew Jackson rising from the grave to take the country back to its proud American way?

 

Susan

No. No it wasn’t.

 

Richard

Shame…

 

Susan

It was an alien!

 

Richard

WHAT?!

 

Susan

I know! I just got done starching and I saw it! It was so bright and do shiny and I almost dropped the iron on the cat because it was so amazing!

 

Richard

And you’re sure it wasn’t the Russians?

 

Susan

No sweetie, I’m sure it wasn’t the Russians.

 

Richard

Well damn again… now how should I know that what you saw was actually some sort of extra-terrestrial and not some sort of weather balloon or Soviet Invasion?

 

Susan

Because I’m your wife, Richard, not some power hungry communist or a big weather balloon flying around.

 

Richard

But you’re a woman.

 

Susan

(Laughing)

Of course I’m a woman sweetie!

 

Richard

… Right. But there’s no way of confirming what you saw was an alien coming to Earth or not.

 

Susan

Well I saw it, and… and Marcia across the street saw it too! We were both doing our laundry and we both saw it at the same time!

 

Richard

Hmmm… another woman. I’ll call up her husband David, we fought together back in the war and he should be able to confirm what this whole ordeal is about.

 

Susan

Perfect! I’ll go and make devilled eggs and Jell-O pudding and talk politics! Maybe even this time I can vote for myself.

 

Richard

Great idea! I love Jell-O pudding! Let me call David up right now.

(Talking to David)

Hello David, Me and my woman here would like for you and your woman to come over and talk about things. Alright. Sounds great. See you at 4. God Bless America. Death to Stalin. Okay. Buh-Bye.

They’ll be here at 4. I’m going to read the newspaper.

 

Susan

Do you think she’ll make something? Last year when we were celebrating the 4th, do you remember when she brought the tuna fish casserole? I never thought to use onions! Onions of all ingredients! And then she brought the quilted napkins and I told her, I said “Sarah, I just can’t belie-“

 

Richard

Null matters woman, her tuna casserole tasted like pesto and regret. Don’t bother me anyway as I am reading the newspaper. Oh, seems here a black man named Martin Luther wants to make people equal.

 

Susan

He’ll probably get shot somewhere in Memphis.

 

Richard

You’re probably right. Says here Sears and Roebuck are going to make more catalog houses in the area. They’ll never go bankrupt!

 

Susan

No chance!

 

Richard

(Laughing)

Ah… I trained you right.

 

-DAVID RUSHES IN-

 

David

Richard!

 

Richard

By God David! I haven’t seen you since the war!

 

David

Still smoke without a filter?

 

Richard

Still a lazy drunk that cries when your mother writes?

 

David

You dog! So good to see you!

 

-MARCIA ENTERS-

 

Marcia

Did somebody ask for tuna casserole!

 

Richard and David

NOPE!

 

Susan

I did! Oh and it smells the same as it did last year!

 

Richard

You two go off and do something feminine while we talk about things we believe are too logical for you to understand.

 

Susan and Marcia

Okay!

 

-SUSAN AND MARCIA LEAVE-

 

Richard

So David, when I go home today, Susan said the wildest thing to me!

 

David

Did Andrew Jackson rise from the grave to bring America back to its true form?

 

Richard

Sadly no.

 

David

Damn.

Richard

But what she did say was particularly peculiar and that’s why I wanted to have you over for dinner. She said she that she along with your wife, saw an alien in the sky this morning!

 

David

An alien you say… not a communist invasion?

 

Richard

No I already got rid of that idea.

 

David

Weather balloon?

 

Richard

That too. What I’m worried about is that if she is right, we’re going to have to tell the paper, and then there’s going to be people everywhere and the military is going to come…

 

David

Not to mention that we’re going to have to admit they’re right.

 

Richard

That too! I just haven’t been able to make up my mind on whether she saw an alien or not!

 

David

Here’s an idea; let’s eat dinner and test them to see if they actually saw aliens. If what they say makes sense, we’ll call the paper and tell them that what they saw and… (Rambling)

 

-SUSAN AND MARCIA ENTER-

 

Susan

We’re back you two!

 

Richard

(To David)

But they’re women!

 

Susan and Marcia

We are!

 

Susan

Richard I don’t know why you keep saying that. I’m obviously a woman, you know… how we’re trying to have a baby…

 

David

You found a good one.

 

Richard

I really did.

 

David

Mine just wants to talk about garden gnome decorations all the time.

 

Marcia

You know Richard, I’ve been meaning to ask you about where you got your little lumberjack fellow at, he’s just so cute!

 

Richard

You weren’t kidding.

 

David

Not one bit.

 

Richard

I hope she has good child-bearing hips. Do you folks want to start dinner?

 

Everyone

Of course!

 

Richard

Great. Susan, take it away!

 

Susan

Okay. What do you want me to take?

 

Richard

You- you- you- Just bring the food woman.

 

Susan

Oh… okay!

 

David

Like a dog, Docile.

 

Richard

Exactly. Marcia, would you mind saying grace? I feel like I haven’t heard a word from you this evening!

 

Marcia

That’s how you boys like it! I’ll start if you insist.

Dear figure of omnipotence, may you rest in peace somewhere peaceful, like Tahoe or somewhere close to that.

 

Susan

I hear Aspen Colorado is quite nice this time of year.

 

Marcia

And they have the world’s biggest garden gnome museum in their time zone!

 

David

Hush woman! Proceed.

 

Marcia

Anyway Mr. God, I hope you can do all the things we want in the world or something like that. Also, I really hope my casserole doesn’t flop, last 4th of July, I put way too much pesto in it.

 

Richard

I told you Susan. I told you.

 

Marcia

 Oh, and don’t forget to get rid of my dad’s cancer. Amen!

 

(Silence)

 

Richard

That was beautiful Marcia. Now let’s dig into this tuna casserole and OH MY GOD!

 

Susan, Richard, and Marcia

What?

 

Richard

AN ALIEN!

 

-A RIDICULOUSLY WARDROBED ALIEN ENTERS-

 

Alien

Hey guys did I make it into Reno?

 

-EVERYONE STARTS SCREAMING-

 

Richard

By God!

 

Susan

It’s an alien!

 

David

From another planet!

 

Marcia

That somehow speaks English!

-SILENCE… THEN CONTUNIED SCREAMING-

 

Richard

(Holding a Chair)

Fend off, satanic being or this chair will be perpetually stuck in your face!

 

Alien

What do you mean?

 

Richard

I mean I will beat the devil outta you, you devilish foe!

 

Alien

Why are you talking like that?

 

Richard

I… Don’t know.

 

Alien

Well anyway, do any of you guys know where Reno is?

 

Marcia

Why do you want to go to Reno?

 

Alien

Well you see, I was initially planning on Vegas but then my other alien friend, Joaquin, was all like “Nah, man, Reno.” and I was all like “Reno?” and he was all like “Reno!” so yeah… he died on entry but I still wanted to play the slots ya know?

 

Susan

We’re in Indiana.

 

Alien

Now how far is that from Reno?

 

Susan

Very far… from Reno.

 

Alien

Oh…

 

David

Listen here you green freak! What’s going to happen to you is that I am going to go next door, grab my M1, come right back here, and shoot you in the face!

 

Alien

No you’re not.

 

-ALIEN KILLS DAVID-

 

Richard

By god! Why have you done this? Such horror is none I’ve ever seen before!

 

Alien

Look, buddy, you really gotta stop talking like that. It’s weird.

 

Richard

You’re weird.

Alien

Uh, yeah. I’m an alien. So, I killed him because he was going to kill me first. And I’ll kill you if you keep talking like that. (Starts mocking Richard)

 

-SUSAN AND MARCIA LAUGH AT RICHARD-

 

Richard

That’s not fair.

 

Alien

Well life isn’t fair kiddo. Trust me, I’ve been alive for 3 million years.

 

Richard

That explains the wrinkles-

 

Alien

Thin ice Richard! You are walking on thin ice!

 

Richard

Wait, how do you know my name

 

Alien

The person writing this script made an error. Listen, what I’m going to do is that I’m going to take a straight shot from here to Reno, making a stop for some Texas BBQ, make a fortune on slots, and spend the rest of my life as an alcoholic in Phoenix. This (kicks David) never happened.

 

Susan

Wait a second… make a fortune?

 

Alien

Yeah baby. You, me, and all of the money in the world!

 

Marcia

Can I come along? I hear Reno has the biggest garden gnome collection in the state of Nevada!

 

Alien

Sure thing suga, go outside and warm up our ride.

 

Susan

You fly an alien spaceship?

 

Alien

Actually I rented a Buick. It’s got leather seats though!

 

Marcia

Leather?! (knocks over Richard to EXIT)

 

Richard

You- you can’t just do that to me!

 

Susan

I’m sorry Richard it’s just that he’s so charming and he’s going to make good money, and his Buick has leather seats!

 

Alien

So does my regular spaceship.

 

Susan

And his spaceship too!

 

Richard

That is kinda cool. Just one thing before you take my wife and go for BBQ and slot machines… what planet are you from?

 

Alien

(puts on sunglasses)

Planet Cool. Come on woman, let’s go eat some brisket and make interstellar love, ratio 2 to 1.

 

Susan

You had me at brisket!

 

Alien

Oh, and don’t forget that tuna casserole Richard. I smell pesto!

 

-ALIEN AND SUSAN LEAVE ARM-IN-ARM-

-THE END-

Comedy Type: Humor Type: Comedy Scene:
5 Person
Post date: Script Market:
Public

Author's Message

Break a leg.

Copyright Statement



Comments

   

Submitted by Officer1774 on Mon, 11/19/2018 - 06:23
This is pretty funny! Do moreee
Submitted by Officer1774 on Mon, 11/19/2018 - 06:23
This is pretty funny! Do moreee

5 Person Comedy Skits - Alien Sighting