ALIEN SIGHTING
HUNTERF
Susan
Richard, you would not believe what I saw this morning when I was folding laundry! It was the most amazing thing!
Richard
Was it the ghost of Andrew Jackson rising from the grave to take the country back to its proud American way?
Susan
No. No it wasn’t.
Richard
Shame…
Susan
It was an alien!
Richard
WHAT?!
Susan
I know! I just got done starching and I saw it! It was so bright and do shiny and I almost dropped the iron on the cat because it was so amazing!
Richard
And you’re sure it wasn’t the Russians?
Susan
No sweetie, I’m sure it wasn’t the Russians.
Richard
Well damn again… now how should I know that what you saw was actually some sort of extra-terrestrial and not some sort of weather balloon or Soviet Invasion?
Susan
Because I’m your wife, Richard, not some power hungry communist or a big weather balloon flying around.
Richard
But you’re a woman.
Susan
(Laughing)
Of course I’m a woman sweetie!
Richard
… Right. But there’s no way of confirming what you saw was an alien coming to Earth or not.
Susan
Well I saw it, and… and Marcia across the street saw it too! We were both doing our laundry and we both saw it at the same time!
Richard
Hmmm… another woman. I’ll call up her husband David, we fought together back in the war and he should be able to confirm what this whole ordeal is about.
Susan
Perfect! I’ll go and make devilled eggs and Jell-O pudding and talk politics! Maybe even this time I can vote for myself.
Richard
Great idea! I love Jell-O pudding! Let me call David up right now.
(Talking to David)
Hello David, Me and my woman here would like for you and your woman to come over and talk about things. Alright. Sounds great. See you at 4. God Bless America. Death to Stalin. Okay. Buh-Bye.
They’ll be here at 4. I’m going to read the newspaper.
Susan
Do you think she’ll make something? Last year when we were celebrating the 4th, do you remember when she brought the tuna fish casserole? I never thought to use onions! Onions of all ingredients! And then she brought the quilted napkins and I told her, I said “Sarah, I just can’t belie-“
Richard
Null matters woman, her tuna casserole tasted like pesto and regret. Don’t bother me anyway as I am reading the newspaper. Oh, seems here a black man named Martin Luther wants to make people equal.
Susan
He’ll probably get shot somewhere in Memphis.
Richard
You’re probably right. Says here Sears and Roebuck are going to make more catalog houses in the area. They’ll never go bankrupt!
Susan
No chance!
Richard
(Laughing)
Ah… I trained you right.
-DAVID RUSHES IN-
David
Richard!
Richard
By God David! I haven’t seen you since the war!
David
Still smoke without a filter?
Richard
Still a lazy drunk that cries when your mother writes?
David
You dog! So good to see you!
-MARCIA ENTERS-
Marcia
Did somebody ask for tuna casserole!
Richard and David
NOPE!
Susan
I did! Oh and it smells the same as it did last year!
Richard
You two go off and do something feminine while we talk about things we believe are too logical for you to understand.
Susan and Marcia
Okay!
-SUSAN AND MARCIA LEAVE-
Richard
So David, when I go home today, Susan said the wildest thing to me!
David
Did Andrew Jackson rise from the grave to bring America back to its true form?
Richard
Sadly no.
David
Damn.
Richard
But what she did say was particularly peculiar and that’s why I wanted to have you over for dinner. She said she that she along with your wife, saw an alien in the sky this morning!
David
An alien you say… not a communist invasion?
Richard
No I already got rid of that idea.
David
Weather balloon?
Richard
That too. What I’m worried about is that if she is right, we’re going to have to tell the paper, and then there’s going to be people everywhere and the military is going to come…
David
Not to mention that we’re going to have to admit they’re right.
Richard
That too! I just haven’t been able to make up my mind on whether she saw an alien or not!
David
Here’s an idea; let’s eat dinner and test them to see if they actually saw aliens. If what they say makes sense, we’ll call the paper and tell them that what they saw and… (Rambling)
-SUSAN AND MARCIA ENTER-
Susan
We’re back you two!
Richard
(To David)
But they’re women!
Susan and Marcia
We are!
Susan
Richard I don’t know why you keep saying that. I’m obviously a woman, you know… how we’re trying to have a baby…
David
You found a good one.
Richard
I really did.
David
Mine just wants to talk about garden gnome decorations all the time.
Marcia
You know Richard, I’ve been meaning to ask you about where you got your little lumberjack fellow at, he’s just so cute!
Richard
You weren’t kidding.
David
Not one bit.
Richard
I hope she has good child-bearing hips. Do you folks want to start dinner?
Everyone
Of course!
Richard
Great. Susan, take it away!
Susan
Okay. What do you want me to take?
Richard
You- you- you- Just bring the food woman.
Susan
Oh… okay!
David
Like a dog, Docile.
Richard
Exactly. Marcia, would you mind saying grace? I feel like I haven’t heard a word from you this evening!
Marcia
That’s how you boys like it! I’ll start if you insist.
Dear figure of omnipotence, may you rest in peace somewhere peaceful, like Tahoe or somewhere close to that.
Susan
I hear Aspen Colorado is quite nice this time of year.
Marcia
And they have the world’s biggest garden gnome museum in their time zone!
David
Hush woman! Proceed.
Marcia
Anyway Mr. God, I hope you can do all the things we want in the world or something like that. Also, I really hope my casserole doesn’t flop, last 4th of July, I put way too much pesto in it.
Richard
I told you Susan. I told you.
Marcia
Oh, and don’t forget to get rid of my dad’s cancer. Amen!
(Silence)
Richard
That was beautiful Marcia. Now let’s dig into this tuna casserole and OH MY GOD!
Susan, Richard, and Marcia
What?
Richard
AN ALIEN!
-A RIDICULOUSLY WARDROBED ALIEN ENTERS-
Alien
Hey guys did I make it into Reno?
-EVERYONE STARTS SCREAMING-
Richard
By God!
Susan
It’s an alien!
David
From another planet!
Marcia
That somehow speaks English!
-SILENCE… THEN CONTUNIED SCREAMING-
Richard
(Holding a Chair)
Fend off, satanic being or this chair will be perpetually stuck in your face!
Alien
What do you mean?
Richard
I mean I will beat the devil outta you, you devilish foe!
Alien
Why are you talking like that?
Richard
I… Don’t know.
Alien
Well anyway, do any of you guys know where Reno is?
Marcia
Why do you want to go to Reno?
Alien
Well you see, I was initially planning on Vegas but then my other alien friend, Joaquin, was all like “Nah, man, Reno.” and I was all like “Reno?” and he was all like “Reno!” so yeah… he died on entry but I still wanted to play the slots ya know?
Susan
We’re in Indiana.
Alien
Now how far is that from Reno?
Susan
Very far… from Reno.
Alien
Oh…
David
Listen here you green freak! What’s going to happen to you is that I am going to go next door, grab my M1, come right back here, and shoot you in the face!
Alien
No you’re not.
-ALIEN KILLS DAVID-
Richard
By god! Why have you done this? Such horror is none I’ve ever seen before!
Alien
Look, buddy, you really gotta stop talking like that. It’s weird.
Richard
You’re weird.
Alien
Uh, yeah. I’m an alien. So, I killed him because he was going to kill me first. And I’ll kill you if you keep talking like that. (Starts mocking Richard)
-SUSAN AND MARCIA LAUGH AT RICHARD-
Richard
That’s not fair.
Alien
Well life isn’t fair kiddo. Trust me, I’ve been alive for 3 million years.
Richard
That explains the wrinkles-
Alien
Thin ice Richard! You are walking on thin ice!
Richard
Wait, how do you know my name
Alien
The person writing this script made an error. Listen, what I’m going to do is that I’m going to take a straight shot from here to Reno, making a stop for some Texas BBQ, make a fortune on slots, and spend the rest of my life as an alcoholic in Phoenix. This (kicks David) never happened.
Susan
Wait a second… make a fortune?
Alien
Yeah baby. You, me, and all of the money in the world!
Marcia
Can I come along? I hear Reno has the biggest garden gnome collection in the state of Nevada!
Alien
Sure thing suga, go outside and warm up our ride.
Susan
You fly an alien spaceship?
Alien
Actually I rented a Buick. It’s got leather seats though!
Marcia
Leather?! (knocks over Richard to EXIT)
Richard
You- you can’t just do that to me!
Susan
I’m sorry Richard it’s just that he’s so charming and he’s going to make good money, and his Buick has leather seats!
Alien
So does my regular spaceship.
Susan
And his spaceship too!
Richard
That is kinda cool. Just one thing before you take my wife and go for BBQ and slot machines… what planet are you from?
Alien
(puts on sunglasses)
Planet Cool. Come on woman, let’s go eat some brisket and make interstellar love, ratio 2 to 1.
Susan
You had me at brisket!
Alien
Oh, and don’t forget that tuna casserole Richard. I smell pesto!
-ALIEN AND SUSAN LEAVE ARM-IN-ARM-
-THE END-
