Roman Empire

Roman Empire

(1.5m)   by JohnnyK

Comedy Monologues   (25370 Views 0 Comments)

Imagine some quirk of time transportation that would enable a Roman Emperor to be in touch with his generals on the furthest reaches of the empire by mobile phone.
Emperor Constantine in Rome, on a difficult line, dials up General Antoninus stationed at the far reaches of the Roman Empire on the Scottish Borders
Phone rings and is picked up..

Emperor: ?What the hell is that noise!?
General: ?There?s a gale blowing and the roofs coming off the compound and rain?s pouring in?.
Emperor: ?Sounds terrible?. It?s lovely here?.
Emperor: ?Anyway I thought I would check on how things are with you, what?s it like up there?
Emperor: (straining to hear), ?it?s a what Hole??
General: ?I?m not doing much good here, I don?t know why we are here anyway, There fuck all to do, are you sure I can?t come home? I miss my wife and family badly.?? And I don?t understand a word any fucker says.
Emperor: ?Don't worry about that. Nobody can.! Anyway it can?t be all that bad, what are the women like??
General: (Muffled response)
Emperor: ?They?re rough as what??
General: ?By the way, what time is it there??
Emperor: ?9 57?
General: ?very precise!?
Emperor: ?No, the year 957?
General: ?We have equipment problems here as well, you know the little leather straps that we use to strap the swords and knives to our legs and arms, well they have now all worn out.?
Emperor: ?Thongs??
General: ?Yeah that?s right?
Emperor: ?You will never guess what the women here are using them for now, since you left?
General: ?Are you sure I can?t come home??
Emperor: ?It?s a hell of walk, you?ll be fit for nothing when you get back, and don?t worry about your wife and four kids, they are all fine?.and tanned !?
General: ?I only had one child when I left!?
Emperor: ?Don?t be churlish; I think you?re just in bad mood because of the weather, it will brighten up soon.?
Emperor: ?It?s been like that for how long!?
Emperor: ?Look, one of the slave ladies here who?s wearing this new leather thing has just opened a flask of new Chianti for me , Why don?t you get a drink of the local stuff and join me in a toast to the Roman Empire?
General: (muffled response)
Emperor: ?It?s like rat what??
Emperor: ?General I think you and your men need to keep occupied, take your mind of things? get them to build a wall or something?

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1.5m Comedy Monologues - Roman Empire