The other day I was doing some research, nothin’ crazy, just trying to figure out what hobbies old people have and let me tell you they have more than scrapbooking, golf, and pretending to love all their grandchildren the same. Sure, some hide it better than others but the truth lies in the presents. Last Christmas my grandparents gave my sister a gold necklace with her name on it when all I got was a Hallmark card. Hey, how can you complain about a card full of cash, Jack? First of all, it wasn’t even a Christmas card, they just threw “Jesus” after “Happy Birthday!” and secondly, when I opened it, out popped an Applebee’s gift card that expired in 2014, which is both the last year someone got excited about their 2 for 20 deal and apparently, the last year they loved me.
Anyways, it turns out I didn’t have to look too hard to realize old people love making fun of younger people. I mean when you have been around for so long, you start to run out of people your own age to argue with. So just as any famous actor looking to marry, they go a generation younger than necessary. Personally, making fun of young people sounds like a great time, the one issue is I can’t really do that yet. Well, I could but the headline, “Man found verbally abusing children at the local park” would be a tough one to explain. So if I can’t make fun of little timmy, I may as well turn to the most hated generation, the millennials. Fuck the millenials, am I right? Now, before we all go “who's the kid making fun of his own people” let me just say I’m part of the newer generation, Gen Z. We’re so new, they haven’t even decided what to call us yet. Turns out you gotta fight a World War or live through the Great Depression to get one of those cool angsty names like the Lost Generation or the Silent Generation. So, since I’m not an infamous Millennial I must have the right to just go ahead and pile on. In fact, it seems even more fair than old people doing it, I get to punch up not down, in today’s world we call that making a change. Millennials are viewed so negatively that if you just google “Millennials are” the first suggestion is “killing” and I’m also pretty sure their wikipedia page now lists them as enemies of the state. While I’m not here to pile on, they have made my life more difficult.
It all started the summer before senior year of high school, where I had a government job in D.C. (pause) Anything seem off there? Choosing a government job obviously but yea high school. Highschool me was in our Nation’s capital working that 9-5 in that bloated bureaucracy I’m proud to call my government. I clearly missed out on living “in the good ol days” when you would spend your summer days playing hopscotch, going to the beach, or according to pop culture, hike through Oregon with your pal River Phoenix lookin for a missing kid on the railroad tracks. Ya I’ve seen Stand by Me doesn’t mean I understand that generation any better, in fact it raises a few questions on how everyone spent their free time back in the day. Times have changed, things have gotten weirddd recently and no i’m not talking about searching for dead kids in the woods weird, cause uh, we can leave that in the 80’s along with that women’s hairstyle that looks they swapped blow dryers out for industrial-grade leaf blowers for a solid decade, and well I was gonna say heightened cold war tension with Russia but recently it seems like we decided to bring that bad boy right into the 21st century. The weird i’m talkin about it the fact society can’t make its mind up about competition, cause on one hand we are throwing participation trophies out left and right like an overenthuised Oprah but on the other we have high schoolers working 9-5. You thought I was bad with my government job at 17? It gets worse.
The other day while my friend was filing his taxes, which by the way, couldn’t be more of a boring start to a story, well he asked me if he could claim his baby sister as a dependent. Fuck ya you can! I’m pretty sure if you are changing diapers on the reg, that baby is yours. Why do you think people work at daycare centers? Because they love babies? Wrong. Fat tax returns.
I mean the whole reason kids are sweating over taxes and working 9-5 jobs in highschool is because of the damn Millennials. I don’t think its there fault though! They have been beaten and bashed so heavily by the older generations. Now don’t get all sad and sorry, you old people are fine, the cycle of abuse works its way down and not around. Right? Hey, would the guy who just chuckled and nodded yes stay after the show? That’s not how we were supposed to react to that one. Sadly, with that logic my generation gets to be their punching bag. Last I checked, Millennials aren’t grabbin’ coffees for the office anymore, or whatever shady stuff you have your interns do. They call the shots now, lookin’ to hire college grads with 8 years work experience and a credit score so high even Flo from progressive is bit jealous. Millennials may be weird but I would be too if my parents went from free-spirited hallucinogenic loving hippies to helicopter parents as soon as they realized “free love” wasn’t the best form of contraception. So instead of saying ‘fuck the millenials’ I think we should treat them better. Seriously though, I’m trying to get hired.