[A man walks in, obviously intoxicated, and throughout the monologue, he continously sips his 'drink'. Only use it when you are not speaking.]
"Hello everyone, look, I know what you are thinking. "Well golly gee me! This man is drunk!" ,and I will tell you NO, I'm not, I have only had 5 bottles on the way here. So I was picked off the street from my 9 a.m. knockouted nap to tell you all that, drinking is bad! See what happens when you get drunk? You get taken into a live studio audience after just trying to find out if you left your boots on Jason Avenue or John Road. It's a disaster, AND I SEE YOU OVER THERE LADY, IM NOT DRUNK. I'm not even getting paid for this!...I think?...and there's another issue! I can't remember things good! Wait, who are you people? Nevermind! Somehow I'm on stage so I'm going to say what's on my mind! Drinking is great! And no I'm not drunk! I just enjoy the ole tradition of drinking stuff that helps me with speaking to you all! If I wasn't drunk, and I'm not drunk!, I would be shivering in fear cause I can't speak to large crowds, but I can speak to little blurry people!
[He looks far stage right or stage left] WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? HUH, MY BAR WAS OPENED? wait no? MY JAR WAS CODED? why would someone..wait, huh? OHH.. MY CAR WAS STOLEN, GOT IT!...wait.....OH NO! [He tries to run off stage, falls once, gets up sluggishly, and runs off stage] [End]