CELEBRITY CHAT SHOW FEATURING RECLUSIVE SUPERSTAR ACTOR SIMON STARR
INTERVIWER: Lets talk about your recent Oscar nomination, your fourth in total. I really thought it was going to be your year.
SIMON: As far as I am concerned I have been wrongly overlooked four times by the academy who continually reward lightweight performers.
INTERVIEWER: Well just as an example, a lot of people wouldn't regard Robert De Niro as a lightweight performer?
SIMON: Well I do. When I commit to a role, I inhabit the part completely. I am the one true method actor working in this industry today. De Niro only scrapes the surface.
INTERVIEWER: He put on serious weight to play Al Capone and Jake La Motta. Surely that can be considered commitment?
SIMON: Ah you are so gullible. Answer me a question. How many films has De Niro made?
INTERVIEWER: Must be over a hundred I guess.
SIMON: Yes its over a hundred. Now how many have I made?
INTERVIEWER: Very few in comparison. Six or seven maybe. You tend to be very choosy I suppose?
SIMON: I have made six films in fifteen years because as I said I am committed.
( ROLLS UP TROUSER LEG TO REVEAL A PROSTETHIC LIMB)
You see that. That is what you call dedication. While De Niro had a extra meal or two, a real artist like me did not think twice about fully committing to the role of Long John Silver.
INTERVIEWER: Jesus I had heard the rumors. I thought it was some kind of urban myth?
SIMON: A urban myth. Are you trying to insult me? You think being a proper method actor is easy? No, its easy being a diluted version like De Niro. Every time I get a phantom pain where my leg used to be, I feel betrayed by the academy who see fit to give awards to phonies who are not as committed as me.
INTERVIEWER: Oh my god I just remembered. You have played Captain Hook and Horatio Nelson. Tell me you didn't, please?
SIMON: (HITS TABLE BESIDE HIM WITH BOTH HANDS TO SHOW THEY ARE BOTH PROSTETHIC AND WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY REMOVES HIS GLASS EYE)
Its the price one has to pay for absolute perfection.
INTERVIEWER: Wow that's amazing. I was just thinking if you had played Jesus in that other film you made the crucifixion scene wouldn't have troubled you greatly. As it was you took the unusual step of taking the role of Mary Magdalene. At least that only required wearing a dress?
SIMON: As I said before its all or nothing.
( STANDS UP AND PULLS UP HIS JUMPER TO REVEAL LARGE SCAR)
INTERVIEWER: That's quite a scar.
SIMON: It normally is when you get a womb put in and taken out.
INTERVIEWER: That's scary. And breasts and the down below stuff too?
SIMON: Of course, it was a tough few years going through all those surgeries. And again the academy kicked me in the teeth once more giving bloody Meryl Streep the Oscar.
INTERVIEWER: I thought you being nominated as best actress was a gimmick?
SIMON: No my good man I was a proper woman, and a good looking one at that. Harvey Weinstein couldn't keep his hands off me. At least he payed me well for my body.
INTERVIEWER: He paid you for your body?
SIMON: I was playing a prostitute, so of course I worked as one for two years to get into character.
INTERVIEWER: Incredible. Your next film is the The Life And Death Of Harry Houdini. Not your last I hope? (NERVOUS LAUGH)
SIMON: We are using a stunt double who is as fully committed to being realistic like me. A method stunt man if you like.
INTERVIEWER: You mean he's really going to die. How can that be justified? That's so wrong.
SIMON: Of course its wrong. I'm not being truthful. Do you seriously think I would let a stunt man steal my thunder?