MRS ROSENCRANTZ
So, kids, that is why it is important to save yourselves for marriage. Are there any questions before I introduce you to our special guest speaker?
A GIRL RAISES HER HAND
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ(cont'd)
Yes, Alecia.
ALECIA
Shouldn't the decision to become sexually active be a personal choice?
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
yes, I suppose-
ALEICA
Then why is this class so focused on making that decision for us?
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
Well, I don't think-
ALECIA
Shouldn't it be preparing us to make that decision for ourselves, when the time comes?
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
Let's just introduce our guest speaker. Class, I want you to give a very warm welcome to Trixie!
TRIXIE ENTERS THE CLASSROOM. THE CLASS APPLAUDS
TRIXIE
Hello, kids. I'm Trixie, and your teacher here brought me in to teach y'all about the sexin' and whatnot.
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
(to TRIXIE)
Safe sex, Trixie. Safe sex.
TRIXIE
Yes, kids, safe sex. Safety words are very important. Make sure you establish a safety word with your partner BEFORE y'all start the sexin'. Also, it's better if y'all's safety word isn't something y'all say all the time during sex. For example, try words like "spider-monkey" or "shenanigans."
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
I think maybe we should talk about ways to avoid pregnancy
TRIXIE
Oh, I almost forgot! Kids, pregnancy is something that ain't good for y'all right now. Abortions are a great way to avoid pregnancy.
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
(to TRIXIE)
I meant avoiding pregnancy BEFORE it happens.
TRIXIE
If y'all want to avoid the whole pregnancy scare altogether, anal sex is the best way to do that. But make sure y'all-
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
And so are condoms. Trixie, maybe you should do the condom demonstration now, you think?
TRIXIE
Oh, right! the dong bag thing. I guess I'll need a volunteer for this. Which one of you boys wants me to put a prophylactic on them?
ALL OF THE BOYS IN THE CLASS RAISE THEIR HANDS EXCITEDLY
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
Trixie, I really don't think that's necessary. That's what we have the banana for.
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ HANDS TRIXIE A BANANA
ALL THE BOYS LOWER THEIR HANDS, DISHEARTENED
TRIXIE
Banana is also a good safety word.
TRIXIE BEGINS PUTTING THE CONDOM ON THE BANANA
TRIXIE(CONT'D)
Now, girls. Condoms ain't just the boys' responsibility. It's always good to have one or two condoms with you just in case, that way you don't have to ever catch a mouthful of spunk.
A GIRL RAISES HER HAND
TRIXIE(CONT'D)
yes, darlin'?
SAMANTHA
What's a mouthful of spunk?
TRIXIE
An extra ten dollars.
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
(suddenly)
I think that's all the time we have for today. Everyone let's thank our special guest for her time.
TRIXIE
But i haven't even gotten into payment methods-
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
Thank you, Trixie. Goodbye
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ BEGINS ESCORTING TRIXIE TO THE DOOR.
TRIXIE
But what about different posit-
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
JUST GET OUT!
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ THROWS TRIXIE OUT OF THE CLASSROOM
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ(CONT'D)
Well, that was fun, wasn't it? Are there any other questions?
TRIXIE POKES HER HEAD IN THROUGH THE DOORWAY
TRIXIE
IF y'all have any questions about the sexin', y'all can find me on the corner of Sixth and Washington.
MRS. ROSENCRANTZ
OUT!
TRIXIE LEAVES THE CLASSROOM
ALL THE BOYS RUSH AFTER HER.
