Cistern Act

Cistern Act

(3.5m)   by rmarguerie
 

Comedy Skits   (11854 Views 6 Comments)

A young couple (Beth and Eric) are dining in a restaurant, the waitress brings over their order Waitress

"Two Ultimate Burgers ?"

The young couple nod and the waitress places their meals in front of them

Waitress

"If you need anything else let me know, ok, enjoy your meal"

Beth

"Excuse me, Is this it?"

Waitress

"I can get you other condiments if you need them"

Beth

"No, I mean is this how it's going to be served?"

Waitress

"Did you order sides?"

Beth

"No"

Waitress

"Ok, then we're all good"

Eric

"I'm sorry but this is not acceptable"

Waitress

"Is there something wrong?"

Eric

"Of course there's something wrong"

Waitress

"Is the order incorrect?"

Eric

"The order is fine"

Waitress

"Then, what seems to be the problem sir?"

Eric (pointing at the food)

"This?"

Waitress

"Ok, but you haven't tried it yet sir"

Eric

"Not the burger, what it's sitting on ?

Waitress

"A bed of sliced gherkins?"

Eric

"No, beneath that"

Waitress

"A lightly toasted brioche bun? I can do you an untoasted one if you like"

Beth

"He means the plate"

Waitress

"Oh I'm sorry is the plate dirty?"

Eric (growing increasingly annoyed)

"No it's not dirty"

Waitress

"Ok, I'm a bit confused here, you're going to have to help me out"

Eric

"Your website says you are a cutting edge restaurant"

Waitress

"Well we are passionate about delivering top quality and innovative food"

Eric

"And yet you serve your food on a plate"

Waitress

"Oh, sorry, do you want it to take out? We can wrap it up for you if you like"

Eric

"No we don't want to take it away, we want to eat it here, we just weren't expecting our dinner to be served on plates"

Waitress

"Well, what do you want it to be served on?"

Beth

"Do you not have any slates ?"

Waitress

"Slates?"

Beth

"Yes, stone slates"

Waitress

"Well we might have some on the roof but they'll need a clean"

Eric

"What about an aluminium tray?"

Waitress

"I can get you a plastic tray"

Beth

"No, it has to be aluminium"

Waitress

"Well I can get you a dustbin lid if you like ?"

The young couple look at each other in bewilderment

Eric

"Do you think this is a joke? I can't believe you expect people to dine in this restaurant and serve their food on china. My god is this North Korea?"

Waitress

"Well with respect our regulars seem to like their foodserved on plates and we've never had any complaints"

Eric

"Only because they are too polite........ excuse me?.............excuse me sir?"

Eric leans over and tries to get the attention of diners on another table

Eric

"Excuse me sir, were you aware they served food on plates here?"

Diner

"No, we weren't, to be honest I thought it was a little strange when I saw the waitress bring a side of fries and they weren't in a metal pot or a smaller replica version of the mesh trays they use in deep fat fryers"

Diner's wife

"We just thought it was one of those ironic retro restaurants. I mean the salt and pepper comes in pots that you have to actually shake for god's sake"

Waitress

"Ok, well feel free to use the customer comment cards after you've finished your meal"

Beth

"But we shouldn't have to, you should be aware of what people want"

Waitress

"We will certainly take on board all your feedback and I thank you for that, but our emphasis at the restaurant has always been on the quality of our food rather than the receptacle it is served on"

Beth

"Oh my god that is so pre-internet"

Waitress

"Excuse me?"

Beth

"Do you think anyone gives a shit about how food tastes these days? It's all about how it looks. That's why we ordered the Ultimate Burger. If nobody was going to see what we are eating I'd have ordered soup"

Eric

"I'd have eaten at home"

Waitress

"Well I'm sorry you've not enjoyed your meal"

Beth

"I told people we were dining here tonight and they'll be expecting photos. If I post this on Facebook I'll have no friends left and I've only had 3 likes this week"˜

Waitress

"Well what do you suggest I do?"

Beth

"Well as paying customers I think you should find us something else"

Waitress

"Like what?"

Eric

"Well you must have something out back, go and have a look"

Waitress

"This is ridiculous. And what If I refuse?"

Beth

"Well then we'll leave without paying and tell everyone on the internet that you expect people to eat from plates and this restaurant will be a pariah amongst the middle classes. And no one will want to employ you in any restaurant in this town ever again"

Waitress dwells on this for several moments

Waitress

"Ok, give me 5 minutes"

The couple talk amongst themselves which is shortly interrupted by the returning waitress

Waitress (sarcastically)

"Ok, tonight's specials include the plastic tray off a child's high chair, a broken clock and the ceramic lid off the toilet cistern. If you 'd like to take 5 minutes to review your options"

The young couple confer before turning to the waitress

Beth

" The clock looks too much like a plate so it'll have to be the toilet cistern please"

Eric

"And the same for me"

Waitress

"Oh I'm terribly sorry we only have one toilet cubicle in the restaurant so you'll have to share"

Eric

"For God's sake you can't very well expect us to share, this is absolutely ridiculous............."

Waitress (weary)

"I can break it in half if you like"

The young couple confer, again

Beth

"Can you move the food to hide the fact it's been split in too?"

Waitress

"It'll look like you've got one each"

Beth

"That would be great"

Waitress (sarcastic)

"And as a gesture of goodwill I'll also leave the cocaine smears on"

Beth and Eric say nothng

Waitress

"Ok, I'll get your new plates, I mean .....I'll be with you shortly"

The waitress returns with a broken cistern lid and proceeds to re-arrange the customer's food on to two separate, broken, toilet cistern lids

Waitress

"Ok, there you are, enjoy your meal"

Beth and Eric say nothing and just look at each other

Waitress

"What's wrong?"

Eric

"You can't expect us to eat this?"

Waitress

"What?"

Eric

"We're not eating this, come on Beth get your coat, we're going"

Waitress (agitated)

"Look, I just broke a fucking toilet cistern, which I may get sacked for, re-arranged the food in such a way so it looks like you've got one each and you don't lose any friends on Facebook, so what's the fucking problem ?"

Eric

"It's cold"

The couple get up and leave the restaurant

Comedy Type: Script Length: Post date: Script Market:
Public

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Comments

   

Submitted by Helen muggeridge (not verified) on Fri, 02/26/2016 - 23:27
Dear Robin, please may I have permission to use your script" cistern act" for a small group of us to put on at an evening social at a small caravan rally in April. Thank you Helen
Submitted by rmarguerie on Mon, 03/07/2016 - 00:42
Hi Helen, you are more than welcome. let me know how you get on. Regards, Robin
Submitted by odcabob on Sun, 06/05/2016 - 03:51
Hi Robin, We are a registered small non profit organization in Spain ( excess earnings over costs to local charities) We would like to use Cistern act in some future variety show if you would grant permission. Bob
Submitted by Robin Marguerie (not verified) on Thu, 06/09/2016 - 08:18
No problem Bob. I hope it goes well. Robin
Submitted by Rohit (not verified) on Fri, 07/01/2016 - 04:32
Dear Robin, I have a small group of college students and we would like to perform your "Cistern Act" as a part of our fresher's welcome ceremony for our juniors. Thank You. Rohit.
Submitted by rmarguerie on Mon, 07/04/2016 - 08:33
Hi Rohit, no problem let me know how it went down. Regards Robin

3.5m Comedy Skits - Cistern Act