Hansel & Gretel revisited
Act 1 scene 1
(Narrator in chair)
Narrator: by now you?ve all probably heard all about Hansel & Gretel and how they were thrown in the forest and how the witch tried to eat Hansel but that?s not exactly how it happened
(Enter forest Hansel & Gretel walk in)
Gretel: this is beginning to be a bit to much I mean dad just won?t stop with the jokes!
Hansel: so it makes him fun.
Gretel: come on? I mean it?s just too much all the knock knock jokes.
Hansel: ok ok I mean sometimes its fun others it?s just annoying.
Gretel: I know what you mean this morning he poured a bucket of freezing cold water on me.
Hansel: yeah???.. Dad did that.
Gretel: this all started when mum died.
Hansel: um Gretel? (Gretel interrupts)
Gretel: if only we could find someone new for dad
Hansel: Gretel?.. (Gretel interrupts)
Gretel: maybe another woodcutter
Hansel: GRETEL! Do you know where we are?
Gretel: don?t worry you placed the breadcrumbs along the road right?
(End of scene)
Hansel: I?m sorry ok.
Gretel: sorry isn?t good enough
Hansel: it?s not my fault I got hungry
Gretel: I?m stuck out here with no food and no water and an idiot
Hansel: ha! You just admitted you?re an idiot!
Gretel: were you born dumb or did you get dropped on you head?
Hansel: LOOK! A gingerbread house
Gretel: oh it is a gingerbread house?? but why change the subject?
(Hansel and Gretel walked towards the ginger bread house)
Witch: hey there kids, come into my house I have more lollies for you in the attic
(Hansel starts to walk to door)
Gretel: wait aren?t you forgetting about stranger danger?
Hansel: don?t worry I know how to deal with this???. STOP DROP AND ROLL
(Hansel drops to ground and starts rolling around)
Witch? just get in the house!
(End of scene)
(Hansel and Gretel enter the gingerbread house)
Hansel: so where are these supposed lollies?
Witch: well you see I was just lying just wanted to have some company
Gretel: awww she?s going to eat us?
Hansel: well you?re not going to eat me!
(Hansel runs for the door and trips over)
Witch: HEY! You?re not allowed to run away, I?ll chain you up in the basement
Hansel: so what dad locked me in the naughty cupboard for 8 days straight without food!
Witch: serves you right you damn brat!
Gretel: liar you locked yourself in there
(Hansel exits stage)
Witch: Gretel I believe you are the smart one your brother is a fool
(Gretel turns away from witch)
Witch: ok then bitch talk to me or I?ll eat you??.. (No one answers)
I understand it?s because I locked your brother in the basement isn?t it well you know what? I don?t give a rat?s ass kids taste better with a little basement grease.
Hansel (oov): oh god I think I just lost a testicle
Witch: well seems torture machine is working, Gretel I?m just lonely and old and ?eat children?.
Hansel: its ok I found it, it was up next to my bladder. Well hello Mr Rubber tip thingy ? whys it shaking and going near my ??. Oh god
Gretel: ?.... ill ignore that and are you implying that you rape kids? Help us show us how to get out of the forest. If you do I will introduce you to a guy
Witch: ok as long as you visit??. (Gretel shakes head) Have dinner with me? ?. (Gretel shakes head) Remember me when you?re older?
Gretel: I don?t even remember who you are now
Witch: good enough
(Witch lets Hansel out rubbing his arse)
Hansel: about time! My arse feels like it?s going to fall off
Witch: ok first you???.. (Witch pauses) I sense a disturbance in the force
Hansel: bitch you just ignored me didn?t you!! First you strap a donkey to that machine and now this? That?s it I quit
(Hansel exits a new Hansel walks on stage woodcutter bursts through the window)
Woodcutter: dramatic entrance 55! Hey witch guns don?t kill people the woodcutter kills people.
(Woodcutter shoves witch in oven turns it up to maximum heat)
Hansel: I hope the witch is all right.
Gretel: shut up you wuss
Woodcutter: yeah shut up Hansel I?ll put you in the naughty cupboard for 2 weeks!
Gretel: ha ha you were told!
Woodcutter: you be quite to or I?ll through you in with him.
Gretel: hey dad look there?s ooze coming out of the oven
Woodcutter: That?s it everyone?s going in the cupboard pull her out she?s going in too ?.oh your right, drink up children
Gretel: but dad it could be poison
Woodcutter: that?s why your drinking not me
Hansel: but dad!
Woodcutter: I swear I will put you in the cupboard!
Hansel: I feel weird.
Woodcutter: look I can make food
Gretel: that?s all good and well but how the hell do we get out of here?
Woodcutter: Gretel, nobody cares what you think
Hansel: but how do we get home?
Woodcutter: we walk duh
Gretel: which way then?
Woodcutter: ?? shut up Gretel.
Narrator: And the children never went hungry again
Gretel: that wasn?t what we were supposed to do; we were supposed to get dad a wife
Narrator: oh yeah!