Hansel & Gretel revisited
Act 1 scene 1
(Narrator in chair)
Narrator: by now you?ve all probably heard all about Hansel & Gretel and how they were thrown in the forest and how the witch tried to eat Hansel but that?s not exactly how it happened
(Enter forest Hansel & Gretel walk in)
Gretel: this is beginning to be a bit to much I mean dad just won?t stop with the jokes!
Hansel: so it makes him fun.
Gretel: come on? I mean it?s just too much all the knock knock jokes.
Hansel: ok ok I mean sometimes its fun others it?s just annoying.
Gretel: I know what you mean this morning he poured a bucket of freezing cold water on me.
Hansel: yeah???.. Dad did that.
Gretel: this all started when mum died.
Hansel: um Gretel? (Gretel interrupts)
Gretel: if only we could find someone new for dad
Hansel: Gretel?.. (Gretel interrupts)
Gretel: maybe another woodcutter
Hansel: GRETEL! Do you know where we are?
Gretel: don?t worry you placed the breadcrumbs along the road right?
Hansel: um????
Gretel: HANSEL!
(End of scene)
Scene 2
Hansel: I?m sorry ok.
Gretel: sorry isn?t good enough
Hansel: it?s not my fault I got hungry
Gretel: I?m stuck out here with no food and no water and an idiot
Hansel: ha! You just admitted you?re an idiot!
Gretel: were you born dumb or did you get dropped on you head?
Hansel: LOOK! A gingerbread house
Gretel: oh it is a gingerbread house?? but why change the subject?
(Hansel and Gretel walked towards the ginger bread house)
Witch: hey there kids, come into my house I have more lollies for you in the attic
(Hansel starts to walk to door)
Gretel: wait aren?t you forgetting about stranger danger?
Hansel: don?t worry I know how to deal with this???. STOP DROP AND ROLL
(Hansel drops to ground and starts rolling around)
Witch? just get in the house!
(End of scene)
Scene 3
(Hansel and Gretel enter the gingerbread house)
Hansel: so where are these supposed lollies?
Witch: well you see I was just lying just wanted to have some company
Gretel: awww she?s going to eat us?
Hansel: well you?re not going to eat me!
(Hansel runs for the door and trips over)
Witch: HEY! You?re not allowed to run away, I?ll chain you up in the basement
Hansel: so what dad locked me in the naughty cupboard for 8 days straight without food!
Witch: serves you right you damn brat!
Gretel: liar you locked yourself in there
(Hansel exits stage)
Witch: Gretel I believe you are the smart one your brother is a fool
(Gretel turns away from witch)
Witch: ok then bitch talk to me or I?ll eat you??.. (No one answers)
I understand it?s because I locked your brother in the basement isn?t it well you know what? I don?t give a rat?s ass kids taste better with a little basement grease.
Hansel (oov): oh god I think I just lost a testicle
Witch: well seems torture machine is working, Gretel I?m just lonely and old and ?eat children?.
Hansel: its ok I found it, it was up next to my bladder. Well hello Mr Rubber tip thingy ? whys it shaking and going near my ??. Oh god
Gretel: ?.... ill ignore that and are you implying that you rape kids? Help us show us how to get out of the forest. If you do I will introduce you to a guy
Witch: ok as long as you visit??. (Gretel shakes head) Have dinner with me? ?. (Gretel shakes head) Remember me when you?re older?
Gretel: I don?t even remember who you are now
Witch: good enough
(Witch lets Hansel out rubbing his arse)
Hansel: about time! My arse feels like it?s going to fall off
Witch: ok first you???.. (Witch pauses) I sense a disturbance in the force
Hansel: bitch you just ignored me didn?t you!! First you strap a donkey to that machine and now this? That?s it I quit
(Hansel exits a new Hansel walks on stage woodcutter bursts through the window)
Woodcutter: dramatic entrance 55! Hey witch guns don?t kill people the woodcutter kills people.
(Woodcutter shoves witch in oven turns it up to maximum heat)
Hansel: I hope the witch is all right.
Gretel: shut up you wuss
Woodcutter: yeah shut up Hansel I?ll put you in the naughty cupboard for 2 weeks!
Gretel: ha ha you were told!
Woodcutter: you be quite to or I?ll through you in with him.
Gretel: hey dad look there?s ooze coming out of the oven
Woodcutter: That?s it everyone?s going in the cupboard pull her out she?s going in too ?.oh your right, drink up children
Gretel: but dad it could be poison
Woodcutter: that?s why your drinking not me
Hansel: but dad!
Woodcutter: I swear I will put you in the cupboard!
Hansel: I feel weird.
Woodcutter: look I can make food
Gretel: that?s all good and well but how the hell do we get out of here?
Woodcutter: Gretel, nobody cares what you think
Hansel: but how do we get home?
Woodcutter: we walk duh
Gretel: which way then?
Woodcutter: ?? shut up Gretel.
(Fades out)
Narrator: And the children never went hungry again
Gretel: that wasn?t what we were supposed to do; we were supposed to get dad a wife
Narrator: oh yeah!
(The end)
