This Week In Jokes (9/15/2012)

This Week In Jokes (9/15/2012)

(5m)   by JonKohan

Funny Stories   (59156 Views 0 Comments)

A report came out on Monday that said the memorial at ground zero coast $700 million dollars to build and now needs one million dollars a week to operate.When asked how they could save money my dad noted they could turn off the kitchen light when nobodies in there.

A Florida woman who allegedly pulled a gun on a man during sex and demanded money, causing him to lose control of his moving car, was arrested Tuesday...when questioned by police what kinda gun it was the man replied "like mine only three inches bigger. I wonder if his insurance company is gonna cover the damages or will they list this under "act of hooker"?

A homeless man broke into a car in Miami Beach, stole a credit card belonging to a bartender and tried to use it to buy a beer from the victim. He would have stolen the bartenders car but he didn't wanna get a DUI.

Katy Hayes, the Texas mom who lost all four limbs to an infection soon after she had her third child, has been okayed for a double arm transplant by doctors at Brigham and Women?s Hospital in Boston. She?ll be the first person in the U.S. to get two full arms transplanted at once the only bad news both arms that are available are lefts. The doctors came up with the idea on how to do the procedure after one of the doctors notices their son playing with a Mr. photo head.

A 73-year-old birdwatcher said she was raped Wednesday in Central Park...the police have released a picture of their number one suspect (insert big birds face).

Former Miami Dolphins player Chad Johnson is to be arraigned Thursday on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge, prosecutors in Florida said Wednesday.Johnson is charged with first-degree misdemeanor domestic battery in the alleged head-butting last month of his new wife. After taking both sides statements and reviewing the evidence at the scene the police officers ruled that it would still be Johnson's ball but 4th and 20.

If you own a cat then you just love animals. If you own a sweater with a cat on it then you just love to be alone.

A 14-month-old cat slipped detection by its owner and the Transportation Security Agency and traveled nearly 1,000 miles before being discovered ? in Orlando, Fla. The TSA released a statement saying that this laps in security could have cause a cat-tastrophe.

Public schools will be closed Friday in Chicago but the end of the teachers strike could be near a spokes person for the teacher union told reports Thursday. When asked when the strike might end one teacher said...if a train leaves Boston at 4:00pm and another train leaves LA at 7:00pm when will the two arrive at Chicago.

A woman who vanished last weekend was found alive in a freezer in west Tulsa, Okla., after possibly climbing inside to take shelter from a storm...upon her discovery she was takin to a hospital where doctors placed her in a large sink until she thawed out.

Lizzie Velasquez has been dubbed "The World's Ugliest Woman" in an 8-second-long YouTube video. Born with a medical condition so rare that just two other people in the world are thought to have it, Velasquez has no adipose tissue and cannot create muscle, store energy, or gain weight. She has zero percent body fat and weighs just 60 see honey it is possible to be skinny.

Velasquez set four goals: To become a motivational speaker, to publish a book, to graduate college, and to build a family and a career for herself...adding if Sara Jessica Parker can do it so can I.

A 73-year-old woman who told police she was raped in New York City?s storied Central Park said she?d like for someone to torture and ?kill? her attacker...adding the person that carries her wish out will be handsomely rewarded with a Werther's original.

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Written in the style of SNL's Weekend Update. All jokes are original written by Jon Kohan

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5m Funny Stories - This Week In Jokes (9/15/2012)