Actual 'Secret Alien Transcript Released'; Authorities Ran "Intellectual Sweatshop," Source Says

Actual 'Secret Alien Transcript Released'; Authorities Ran "Intellectual Sweatshop," Source Says

(2.5m)   by James Alex Gerard
 

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Original Release Date: Nov. 11, 2008;
Obvious Satire; "News Wire" Story -- By James Alex Gerard

[BEGIN SCRIPT]

Actual 'Secret Alien Transcript Released'; Authorities Ran "Intellectual Sweatshop," Source Says

(JG) ? Authorities today released a formerly unknown "Secret Alien Transcript" that confirms an alien being who crashed landed on Earth made definite contact with humans before expiring.

According to the release, one alien survived a UFO crash occurring in the last century. Although rescued by authorities, the being was mortally injured and survived briefly. But the alien apparently was able to muster the strength and resolve to telepathically "utter" a sole and last communication to the human race, the release continued.

At the time, there was no knowledge base to accurately translate and effectively interpret the alien's dying words. According to a source described as "The Project's Proverbial Whistle Blower," the authorities became virtually obsessed with discovering what mankind itself could possibly learn from such a superior, advanced, and no doubt more highly civilized being.

Decades of devoted research and countless "required personnel," "highly credentialed experts," and of course billions of government funding were utilized and eventually exhausted in completing the project, the source went on to say.

"The authorities were basically running an intellectual sweatshop with this project," the source said. "They literally poured money over it like water. And consider all the man-hours that went into it all those years. And the woman-hours that went into it, too," the source added.

"We realized this superior being was trying to impart some vast wisdom and untold knowledge to all of us as fellow beings," the source explained. "So we theorized that the being's own dying words might be useful in guiding us or advising us to living a better existence. Better still, perhaps that being's statement will advance mankind overall and become our own words to live by," he added.

According to the release, the translation was quality checked thousands of times over decades ? and generations. The source confirmed the released transcript now stands as the indisputable and defining conclusion to the authorities' valued "project."

The entire context of the "Secret Alien Transcript" follows:

?BEGIN TRANSCRIPT ?

"Life's a bitch, and then you die, Earthlings."

?END TRANSCRIPT ?

[END SCRIPT]

Comedy Type: Script Length: Post date: Script Market:
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Author's Message

This is another satirical "news wire" article I pulled from my extensive archives. Once more, it's reassuring to know I didn't waste my time in "serious" print journalism.

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