PULL UP A SANDBAG

PULL UP A SANDBAG

(30-60m)   by WARDI
 

Sitcoms/Stage Plays   (15161 Views 0 Comments)

PULL UP A SAND BAG
A SITCOM

BY

CLIVE WARD

AUGUST 2007

RUNNING TIME 30 MINUTES

SYNOPSIS

Based on an infantry platoon in the late50/60?s.

The 2nd Midshire Regiment, 3rd Platoon, C Company.

CHARACTERS

PRIVATE PARKIN

PRIVATE PRATT

CORPORAL CLARK

SERGEANT BILLINS

LIEUTENANT BLOWER

PRIVATE

PRIVATE

OTHERS

CPL BURNS Cookie, fat, scruffy, around 25

BARMAID Doreen, typical barmaid, mid 30's

GRANVILLE Pool player, mid 30's

LOCALS NON SPEAKING

SOLDIERS NON SPEAKING

WATKINSON (Wocko, weird, hygiene problem, around 25) HATFIELD (Hatty, keen, around 24 ) (Platoon Commander, soft, around 25) (Platoon Sergeant, strict, around 35) (Corpse, or Clarky, Section Commander, around 32) (Eddie, cocky old solider, around 35) (Parky, fresh out of training, around 21)

LOCATIONS

INT BILLET

EXT FIELD

INT PARADE SQUARE

EXT BILLET

INT COOKHOUSE

EXT OUTSIDE BILLET

INT BILLET

INT COOKHOUSE (KITCHEN)

INT BRIEFING ROOM

EXT OUTSIDE BILLET

EXT FIELD/ ROAD

EXT WOOD

INT PUB

EXT WOOD

INT PUB

EXT OUTSIDE PUB

INT PUB

INT INSIDE LAND ROVER

EXT ROAD

INT HOSPITAL

SCENE 1 INT THE BILLET

IT IS VERY OLD FASHIONED WITH A HIGHLY POLISHED FLOOR. THERE ARE FOUR SOLDIERS IN THE ROOM. PRATT IS READING A PORN MAG AND WOCKO IS HALF ASLEEP COMIC. HATTY IS BUSY POLISHING HIS BOOTS

HATTY

Look at the shine on those boots. What do you reckon Eddie? I bet you wish you could get your boots that good?

PRATT

What the hell are you doing that for, are you trying to show us all up?

HATTY

It's called pride, something that you haven't got. Something that you'll never have. You can walk round like a bag of shit if you want, I've got standards to keep up, I'm going places.

PRATT

Well hurry up and piss off then, and give us all a break.

WOCKO

HATTY

You know what I mean. When I get promoted.

PRATT

Promoted you!? You'll never get a stripe on your arm for as long as you've got a hole in your arse.

WOCKO PICKS UP HIS ARMY TROUSERS THEY HAVE A BIG HOLE IN AROUND THE CRUTCH.

WOCKO

Talking of holes, look at this one. Eh ,Hatty mate, borrow me your needle and cotton there's a pal.

AS WOCKO APPROACHES HATTY'S LOCKER,

HATTY KICKS IT SHUT.

HATTY

No you don?t, theirs a NAAFI down the road , buy some

like I have too.

WOCKO (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)

But its shut? come on don?t be such a tight bastard help your fellow room mate in his hour of need? please! If we were in battle I'd give you my last bullet I would

HATTY

Would you Wocko

WOCKO

Cause I would

PRATT

I would too?. In his head Forget it Wocko you're wasting your time, he wouldn't do anything for anyone apart from me.

HATTY

Ha! you're the last person I help

PRATT

Oh yeah

HATTY

Yes

PRATT

Are you sure about that?

PRATT GETS UP AND GRABS HATTY'S BOOTS.

HATTY

Eh watch what your doing? I spent bloody hours on them, give me them back.

PRATT HANDS HATTY A SCRUFFY PAIR OF BOOTS.

PRATT

These are yours I switched them when you wasn't looking.

THEY ALL LAUGH

HATTY

You wanker you mean I've been bulling your boots for the last four hours,

PRATT

I was going to say something, but you were doing such a good job. Tut, look you've missed a bit look.

HATTY

We've got an inspection tomorrow morning? what am I going to do, and I've run out of polish.

PRATT

It?s the old 6 P's Hatty Preparation and planning prevents piss poor performance?Don?t look at me, I haven't got any, why do you think I got you to do them. It looks like your promotion hopes have taken a bit of a nose dive why don?t you ask Wocko.

WOCKO IS SMILING

WOCKO

HATTY IS NOW SMILING

Wocko, mate I'll do you a trade. Your polish

for my needle and cotton.

WOCKO

How does fuckoff grab yer? there's a NAAFI down the road.

HATTY

But it's shut. Come on Wocko, please. I'll even sow that hole up for you.

HATTY

Please Wocko

WOCKO GIVES HATTY HIS GROTTY PAIR OF TROUSERS. HATTY ACCEPTS THEM RELUCTANTLY.

WOCKO

Okay it's a deal, my polish is in my locker?somewhere!

HATTY OPENS THE LOCKER. IT?S A MESS.

EVERYTHING'S CRAMMED IN, AND IT STINKS.

HATTY

On second thoughts forget it. I'd need a battalion

of Gurkhas to search that rat infested shit hole

EVERYONE IS TELLING WOCKO TO SHUT HIS

LOCKER DOOR. IT'S STINKING THE ROOM OUT.

NEW BOY PRIVATE PARKIN AND CORPORAL CLARK BURST INTO THE ROOM, AND WALK TOWARDS HIS NEW BED SPACE THEY ALL LOOK ON THE NEW BOY PARKIN IS STRUGGLING WITH HIS CASES KIT BAG.

CPL CLARK

Right Parkin unpack your gear. Lights out in five minutes. Reveille 0630. Shit, shower, shave. Breakfast 0700. Room jobs completed by 0730. On parade 0800. You got that Any questions?

PARKIN LOOKS AT HIS BED. IT HAS NO MATTRESS ON IT.

PARKIN

Yeah. What do I sleep on Corporal? There's no mattress.

CPL CLARK

Matress!? This isn't a holiday camp Try springs. If you?d have got here three hours ago like you were suppose too, you would have had some bedding, when the stores was open. Any more stupid questions?

CPL CLARK ADDRESSES THE ROOM

This is Private Parkin. He's a new member of our section. Make sure he knows the score for tomorrow morning's inspection.

PRATT

Eh Corpse, you couldn?t do the honours and tuck us in down the bottom. There's a terrible draft blowing around my feet.

CPL CLARK LEANS OVER TO PRATT WHO IS THE NEXT BED ALONG THE WHOLE ROOM ARE LAUGHING.

Shut it you, and its not Corpse its Corporal

it's not to late for a run round the square in full kit and that goes for the rest of you now get some sleep.

CPL CLARK STARTS TO WALK AWAY. PRATT WHISPERS BEHIND HIS COMIC.

PRATT

Gets a couple of stripes, and they go to his bloody head.

CPL CLARK

What was that?

PRATT

Nothing Corpse, I was just telling new boy he?d better hurry up and get in bed.

CPL CLARK

A word of warning to you Parkin, keep away from him, he?s trouble. Do you hear me?

PARKIN

Yes Corporal.

CPL CLARK

Lights out in two minutes.

HATTY

But I haven't finished doing my kit yet.

PRATT SPEAKS SARCASTICALLY FROM BEHIND HIS MAG

PRATT

Done mine.

HATTY GIVES PRATT A DIRTY LOOK.

CPL CLARK

Tuff shit. You should've thought of that earlier.

CPL CLARK EXITS THE ROOM.

PRATT

So what do they call you then, new boy?

PARKIN

Well, me mates call me Parky.

PRATT

You?re gonna have to earn that, new boy from now on your names new boy got that new boy got any fags new boy?

PARKIN

Oh, yeah!

PARKIN GETS HIS CIGARETTES OUT, HATTY AND WOCKO SUDDENLY APPEAR HE'S NOW SURROUNDED. PRATT TAKES TWO.

PARKIN

Eh. They?ve got to last me till payday.

PRATT

How long have you signed on for, new boy?

PARKIN

Six years.

PRATT

Six years, I?ll give you six weeks.

PARKIN

What makes you say that?

PRATT

You don?t look the type. I?ll give you six weeks and you?ll be crying home to mummy, like the rest of them. We've seen 'em come, and we've seen 'em go. Haven't we lads?? and you're a seen 'em go.

PARKIN IS UNPACKING HIS GEAR.

PARKIN

So, how long have you been in?

THE ROOM LAUGH PRATT LOOKS SURPRISED HE ASKED THE QUESTION.

PRATT

I've changed my mind?. make that six seconds.

WOCKO

Eddie joined the same time as Oliver Cromwell, didn?t you Eddie?

HATTY

Eh, new boy, you haven't got any black polish have you?

PARKIN

Err, no.

PARKIN PULLS OUT A SMALL PICTURE FRAME OF A GOOD LOOKING BIRD, AND PUTS IT ON HIS BEDSIDE LOCKER.

PRATT

PHWOOR!? You lucky sod, I?d give her one. That is what you call fit. Check it out boys

WOCKO

Eh, you?re not married are you?

THE REST OF THE LADS ARE HAVING A LOOK, WHILE PARKIN IS LAYING OUT HIS SLEEPING BAG.

PARKIN

No, but she is? to my dad!

PRATT

If she was my old girl, I?d be crying home to mum tomorrow.

WOCKO

Where you breast fed as a child?

EVERYONE LOOKS AT WOCKO, AND THERE'S SILENCE. WOCKO IS EMBARRASSED.

WOCKO

What?? Just curious that?s all!

CPL CLARK ENTERS THE ROOM.

PRATT

Watch out, Doctor Death's here again.

PARKIN LOOKS OPENED MOUTHED. CPL CLARK TURNS THE LIGHTS OUT.

PARKIN

Hold on with those lights, I haven?t finish unpacking my kit yet.

CPL CLARK

You've had long enough? and Pratt, no funny business.

PRATT

What me Corpse?

CPL CLARK

You know what I mean?. and it's Corporal.

THE DOOR CLOSES. THERE'S TOTAL DARKNESS. PARKIN STARTS TO MOAN.

PARKIN

Great. My kit's all over the place, no bloody mattress. Argh? and I've got a spring sticking in my back.

PRATT

You can always top and tail with Wocko new boy.

PARKIN

Why do we have to have the lights out this early, it's only ten o?clock?

PRATT

It?s a full moon ain't it. Corpse wants to get into his coffin, before they drive a stake through his heart.

EVERYONE LAUGHS. PARKIN CONTINUES TO MOAN.

PARKIN

I wish I was back in training company?I should've joined the artillery, like my dad told me too.

BOOTS ARE FLUNG ACROSS THE ROOM.

PARKIN

Ouch! That hurt. Who threw that?

WOCKO

Me. And it was meant to. Now get some sleep, before you get my other size twelve.

PARKIN IS MOANING TO HIMSELF QUIETLY.

SCENE 2 EXT PARADE SQUARE

A BUGLER STANDS ALONE, BLOWING RETREAT. IN THE BACKGROUND ALL THE LIGHTS ARE GOING OUT AROUND CAMP.

SCENE 3 EXT FIELD, SQUARE AND BILLET

IT IS NOW 0630. WE HEAR THE BUGLER PLAYING REVEILLE. EVERYONE'S WAKING UP, OR PUTTING PILLOWS ON THEIR HEADS. THEN WE SEE A MISSING BED

CLOSE UP OF THE BUGLER, STILL PLAYING THE WAKE UP CALL. THEN THE CAMERA PANS TO PARKIN'S FACE, WHO IS FAST ASLEEP, SNORING AWAY. HE THEN OPENS HIS EYES, SITS UP SHARPLY AND REALISES HE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIELD FULL OF SHEEP. THERE'S EVEN ONE IN BED WITH HIM. HE SHOUTS AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE. WE SEE THE WHOLE OF THE FIELD, WITH PARKIN IN THE MIDDLE.

PARKIN

Argh!? What the hell?

SCENE 4 INT BACK IN THE BILLET

PARKIN WALKS IN HALF NAKED, DRAGGING HIS SLEEPING BAG BEHIND HIM. EVERYONE ELSE IS NEARLY DRESSED, SOME ARE LAUGHING.

HATTY

What happened to you new boy, we thought you?d gone absent without leave.

PARKIN

Very funny. Thanks a fucking bunch.

PRATT

Stop moaning. Everyone gets it on their first day. A word of advice. It pays to sleep with one eye open around here.

HATTY

Yeah! Just think yourself lucky. Wocko woke up under three feet of snow on his first day, and he lost a toe through frost bite, didn't you Wocko?

WOCKO

That?s right, and I've still got the toe to prove it.

WOCKO REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT HIS SHRUNKEN BLACK TOE ON A KEY RING.

PRATT

HATTY

That?s disgusting put it away

EVERYONE STARTS TO BRUSH PAST THE NEW BOY.

PARKIN

Where is everyone going?

PRATT

Breakfast.

PARKIN

Someone give us a hand to get my bed back? please.

PRATT

Sorry, can?t miss breakfast. Queens Parade.

PARKIN

But? but.

THEY ALL LEAVE, PARKIN IS LEFT ALONE.

SCENE 5 INT COOKHOUSE

AND THEY ARE STARTING TO PUT THE SHUTTERS DOWN. PARKIN'S ROOM MATES ARE IN THE BACKGROUND. PARKIN WALKS IN.

COOKIE

Sorry son, breakfast finished ten minutes ago. This isn?t a bloody hotel you know.

PARKIN

Ar, come on, there must be something left I can have. I?m starving.

COOKIE

All I?ve got is beans.

PARKIN HOLDS HIS PLATE OUT.

PARKIN

That?ll do, anything, pour em on.

COOKIE SCOOPS UP A MASSIVE DOLLOP OF BURNT, STUCK TOGETHER, CONGEALED BEANS, AND DEPOSITS THE SOLID LUMP ONTO HIS PLATE. PARKIN PULLS A FACE.

COOKIE

Here, don?t forget your toast.

COOKIE STICKS TWO PIECES OF BURNT, BLACK TOAST INTO THE MESS.

COOKIE

Enjoy!

PARKIN

Cheers!

PARKIN TAKES A SEAT NEXT TO HIS NEW ROOM MATES, BUT NOT ON THE SAME TABLE, BECAUSE HE IS UPSET WITH THEM. HE STARES AT HIS FOOD.

PRATT

Look lads? look at the size of the helping of beans new boy's got.

HATTY

Bloody favouritism that is.

PARKIN IS PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD.

PARKIN

Food! More like ball bearings( HE DROPS HIS KNIFE AND FORK ) I don?t think I can stomach this.

PRATT

It?s not the going in you want to worry about, it?s when they come out. They?re the army?s new secret weapon. When you?re down to your last bullet, jump out of your trench, point your arse at the enemy, and let go. Lethal at 100 yards,

WOCKO

Better than any grenade.

PARKIN HOLDS HIS STOMACH

PARKIN

There's only one place for this lot and that?s in the bin

WOCKO GRABS HIS PLATE OF BEANS.

WOCKO

Waste not want not.

HATTY LOOKS AT WOCKO IN DISGUST.

HATTY

Your eating habits are disgusting.

WOCKO SPEAKS WITH A MOUTH FULL OF BEANS.

PRATT

You are a walking skip Wocko

WOCKO GIVES PARKIN HIS LEFT OVER CORNFLAKES.

WOCKO

Here, new boy, get that down your neck.

PARKIN

Cheers Wocko? Err? no thanks. Salad cream on corn flakes, doesn't do anything for me.

PRATT

We better get our skates on, else the Corpse will be after our blood. Quite partial to a bit of the red stuff, old Dracula.

THEY?RE ALL GETTING UP TO LEAVE. PARKIN'S STILL EATING.

PARKIN

Why, what?s the rush?

HATTY

Room inspection in ten minutes.

PARKIN NEARLY CHOKES.

PARKIN

What? You've got to be joking

HIS ROOM MATES IGNORE HIM AS THEY WALK OUT. COOKIE IS NOW STANDING BEHIND PARKIN LOOKING MEAN.

PARKIN

Wait up, wait for me.

COOKIE PUTS HIS HAND ON PARKIN'S SHOULDER.

COOKIE

You're going nowhere, until you've eaten them beans sonny boy.

PARKIN

But I'll be late.

COOKIE GETS MAD.

COOKIE

You wanted them, you eat them.

SCENE 6 EXT OUTSIDE BILLET.

PARKIN IS IN THE DISTANCE. CPL CLARK IS SHOUTING, LOOKING AT HIS WATCH.

CPL CLARK

Come on Parkin, get a move on. You're late.

PARKIN IS OUT OF BREATH.

PARKIN

Sorry Corpse, err?. Corporal.

CPL CLARK

Parkin you were late arriving here late going up late for breakfast if you don?t sort yourself out you'll be the LATE PRIVATE PARKIN you hear me go and stand by your bed.

PARKIN GOES TO WALK OFF, THEN STOPS AND TURNS TO THE CORPORAL.

PARKIN

But Corporal, I haven?t got a bed.

CPL CLARK

What do you mean you haven?t got a bed?

PARKIN

It?s still in the field.

CPL CLARK

What?s it doing in the fucking field? Pratt! It?s too late now, get inside.

SCENE 7 INT INSIDE BILLET

EVERYBODY IS STOOD BY THEIR RESPECTIVE BEDS, LAUGHING AT PARKIN WHO'S BUSY TRYING TO TIDY HIMSELF UP, READY FOR THE INSPECTION.

PARKIN

Thanks lads. Thanks a bunch.

CPL CLARK

Come on you lot, stand by your beds. They'll be here any second.

PRATT

But Corpse, I got to go.

CPL CLARK

Go where ?

PRATT

To the bog, I need to take a piss.

CPL CLARK

It's too late now, you'll have to hold it.

CPL CLARK LOOKS ROUND THE DOOR TO SEE IF THEY'RE COMING. WHILE PRATT IS RELEAVING HIMSELF BEHIND THE LOCKER DOOR. WE HEAR THE INTERMITTENT SOUND OF FILLING A WATER BOTTLE.

CPL CLARK

What the hell are you doing Pratt?

PRATT WHISPERS TO PARKIN.

PRATT

When you gotta go, you've gotta go!

PRATT TIMES IT JUST RIGHT, AND STANDS BACK IN FRONT OF HIS BED.

CPL CLARK

Listen in. Room?.attention!.

THE PLATOON SERGEANT AND PLATOON COMMANDER ENTER THE ROOM. THEY ALL STAND TO ATTENTION. PLATOON COMMANDER APPROACHES PRATT AND INSPECTS HIM AND HIS LOCKER.

REMEMBER THE PC CANNOT PRONOUNCE HIS R's

PLATOON COMMANDER

Have you seen the state of this miwa Platoon Sergeant?

THE SGT LOOKS AT THE MIRROR.

PLATOON SERGEANT

Miwa Sir?

WE HEAR SNIGGERING

PC

"Miwa"

PLATOON SERGEANT

Oh mirror sir?When was the last time you cleaned this mirror, Pratt?

PRATT LOOKS AROUND AT THE SERGEANT.

PRATT

This morning, Sergeant.

SGT

Face your front, and its Sir, there's an officer on parade. You didn?t do a very good job, did you soldier? Look at it? I said face your front. Its in a shit state? I want it cleaned straight after this inspection.

PRATT

Yes Sir. It?ll be spotless Sir. You?ll be able to see your face in it, Sir.

WE HEAR GIGGLING IN THE BACKGROUND

SGT (SHOUTING)

Shut up!!

THE SERGEANT HAS A WORD IN PRATT'S EAR.

Think you?re a comedian, don?t you Pratt?

PRATT

No Sergeant, I mean no Sir.

SGT

Well I don?t find you funny at all.

THE SERGEANT PICKS UP PRATT'S WATER BOTTLE AND SHAKES IT.

SGT

Water bottles are supposed to be empty for inspection. You know better than that. What's in it, whisky again? You wont learn will you?

HE OPENS THE BOTTLE AND POURS PRATTS PISS INTO HIS HIP FLASK AND SMILES THINKING HE'S GOT ONE OVER ON HIM

SGT

I'm going to have to confiscate this Pratt. Corporal Clark, put this man on weekend guard duties.

PRATT

Yes Sergeant.

THE PC MOVES ON TO PARKIN, WHO STANDS IN FRONT OF AN EMPTY SPACE, WHERE HIS BED SHOULD BE.

PC

And who are you?

SGT

Parkin Sir, joined us yesterday, fresh from Training Company.

PC

Settling in well Parkin?

PARKIN

Yes.

PC

What wank am I parkin?

MORE SNIGGERING

SGT

Be quiet you lot

PARKIN

Pardon

SGT

Rank parkin the platoon commander is a lieutenant that means you call him sir understood

PARKIN

Yes Sir

PC

It?s always nice to see a fresh face? err Platoon Sergeant, this man appears to have no bed, why is that?

THE PC LOOKS AT THE SGT. THE SGT LOOKS AT CPL CLARK

SGT

Well Corporal Clark, why hasn?t this man got a bed?

CPL CLARK DOESN?T KNOW WHAT TO SAY AND IS LOST FOR WORDS.

CPL CLARK

I haven't got a clue Sir, he had one last night.

PC

Wearly so, where did you sleep last night Parkin?

PARKIN

In a field full of sheep, Sir.

PC

Sheep? What where you doing in a field full of sheep?? no forget it, spare me the details, I don?t want to know.

PRATT

Permission to speak, Sir!? Private Parkin was snoring loudly, so we removed him from the room, Sir.

THE SERGEANT IS SMILING

PC

Why didn't you just wake him up? The poor lad could of caught a chill? It's not funny Sergeant Billings.

SGT

No Sir, it's not Sir.

PC (SHOUTS)

I will not have this tom foolery going on in my bawacks wooms, is that clear?

SGT

Yes Sir. Point taken Sir.

WE HEAR MORE LAUGHING. THE PC APPROACHES HATTY.

PC

Good turn out Hatfield, apart from the boots. Maybe you should get Private Pratt to show you how to bull boots pwoperly.

PRATT IS SMILING. THE SERGEANT GIVES HATTY A SURPRISED LOOK.

PRATT GIGGLES.

SGT (SHOUTING)

Shut it, the next man who opens his mouth will be down that guard room.

THE PC NOW APPROACHES WOCKO WITH CAUTION.

PC

Watkinson, you stink. You look like a bag of shite. Your bed isn?t made pwoperly, and look at your locker man? Platoon Sergeant.

THE SERGEANT AND PC PEER IN AT WOCKOS LOCKER. THERE IS ONLY A BIG BLACK BIN LINER IN THE LOCKER, FULL OF CLOTHES.

SGT

Where is all your kit, Watkinson?

WOCKO

In the bag Sir, that?s my dirty washing for the laundrette.

THE SERGEANT AND PC LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN DISBELIEF. THE SERGEANT THEN PEELS ONE OF WOCKO?S SOCKS OFF HIS LOCKER DOOR, AND HOLDS IT UP.

SGT

You missed something.

WOCKO

So that?s what the smell is!

SGT

I wonder if I threw this out of the window would it start eating the grass?? Show Parade tonight.

WOCKO

I?m already on Show Parade tonight, Sir.

SGT

Okay, tomorrow night, then.

WOCKO

And tomorrow night, Sir. In fact, I?m fully booked up for the rest of the week, Sir.

SGT

Shut up. I give up with you Watkinson. If we ever go to war, just make sure you?re next to me, the enemy would run a mile, if they smelt you coming. You can join Pratt on guard this weekend.

PC HAS FINISHED HIS INSPECTION.

PC

Platoon Sergeant.

SGT

Sir.

PC

Bwief the men. I?ll see you this evening, cawy on.

THE SERGEANT SALUTES.

SGT

Sir? listen in room, room attention? stand easy.

THE SERGEANT STARTS TO SHOUT.

SGT

Well? well? well? you lot never fail to amaze me. You are all confined to camp this weekend. This room is a disgrace, its bogging. Some of you lot want taking out onto the Parade Square and hosing down, or even better shot. The good news is, the Platoon Commander has given you the rest of the day off?

THE WHOLE ROOM CHEER.

SGT

So you can prepare yourself for tonight?s Navigation Exercise.

THE WHOLE ROOM SIGH.

SGT

Carry on Corporal Clark.

CPL CLARK

You heard the Platoon Sergeant. Make sure your kit's

done for tonight, before you go swanning off.

THEY ALL START PREPARING.

CPL CLARK EXITS THE ROOM.

THEY ALL STOP PREPARING, APART FROM HATTY.

PRATT

Right, who's coming down the NAAFI for a game of pool. What about you, new boy?

PARKIN

You heard the Corporal. We're supposed to be preparing for tonight?s Night Nav.

PRATT

Prepare what? Bollocks to that. Just chuck your kit on, put your mind in neutral, and follow the twat in front of you. We usually get lost anyway, Clarky couldn?t read a map if it was tattooed to his eye lids. Well, come on somebody, give me a game. I've got a big match coming up. I've got to practice.

.

PRATT

What about you Hatty?Wocko?

HATTY IS BULLING HIS BOOTS

HATTY

I'm busy.

WOCKO IS LOOKING IN HIS BAGS OF WASHING.

AND STARTS EMPTYING HIS WASHING

BAGS ON HIS BED. THEY STINK THE ROOM OUT.

HATTY PUTS HIS BOOTS DOWN

HATTY

I've changed my mind I will have you that game of pool

PARKIN

And me

SCENE 8 INT BRIEFING ROOM

THE PLATOON COMMANDER IS BRIEFING THE PLATOON ON THE NIGHT NAVIGATION EXERCISE. ALL THE MEN ARE IN FULL CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORM. WEARING CAMCREAM (FACE PAINT). THEY SIT IN A GROUP LISTENING WHILE WE SEE ON A BLACKBOARD A DIAGRAM WITH THE WORDS ' EXERCISE DEAD STUDENT'.

PC

Okay, I?ll go through the main points again. We move from here to the start point, for a spot inspection, which you?ll be scored on. Then each Section Commander will be given eight grid weferences. You?ll move out in ten minute intervals. For ewery check point you reach you?ll weceive two points. And don?t forget, wemain on your guard at all times, myself and Sergeant Billins will be acting as the enemy, if we catch you, you?ll lose one point, and be taken back in the land wover two miles. So, don?t forget, stay alert. Did you hear that Pratt?

PRATT IS ASLEEP AND SUDDENLY WAKES UP.

PRATT

What? Eh? yes Sir.

PC

What did I say then?

PRATT

Don?t forget to wear a skirt at all times.

PC

Platoon Sergeant, deduct one point from Pratt's Section. wight, move out everyone.

CPL CLARK TURNS TO PRATT AND GIVES HIM A DIRTY LOOK.

PRATT

What?

PLATOON SERGEANT

Right Section Commanders, get your men outside, ready for inspection.

EVERYONE GETS UP AND MOVES OUT.

SCENE 9 OUTSIDE OF BILLIT IT'S GETTING DARK

THE SECTION ARE IN A LINE READY FOR INSPECTION. IT?S A COLD, ICEY NIGHT. CPL CLARK IS GETTING HIS GRIDS. THE SERGEANT IS INSPECTING. HE FIRST INSPECTS PARKIN.

SGT

Get more cam cream on Parkin, I can still see your ugly mush.

PARKIN

But Sergeant, it gives me blackheads.

SGT

Does it really? And I suppose your y fronts give you nappy rash.

PARKIN

No Sergeant, but I do find that if the elastic is too tight I get a large swelling right on the end of my?

THE SERGEANT QUICKLY INTERRUPTS HIM.

SGT

Stop talking shite, didn?t they teach you anything in training? Why do we put cam cream on Parkin?

PARKIN

Err? to break up the outline of your face, so you blend into the background.

SGT

Correct!

THE SERGEANT PUSHES THE CAM CREAM TUBE INTO HIS CHEST HARD.

SGT

More cam cream before I break up the outline of your face, and you?ll definitely blend into the background.

HE NEXT WALKS UP TO PRATT, WHO HAS TOO MUCH ON . WALKS, NODS HIS HEAD. HE THEN WALKS UP TO HATTY WHO'S FACE IS CAKED IN IT AS WELL. YOU ONLY SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES.

SGT

Are you two brothers?

HATTY AND PRATT LOOK AT EACH OTHER DUMBLY. THE SERGEANT WALKS UP TO WOCKO.

SGT

Well done Private Watkinson, that?s how you put cam cream on. Nice and evenly all over, everyone else take note.

WOCKO

But Sergeant I haven?t put any on yet .

THE SERGEANT'S EXPRESSION SPEAKS FOR ITSELF

SGT

Right gentlemen, let's have you jumping up and down. Remember you're patrolling at night, that means no banging or clanging. I don?t want to hear a sound? well, what are you waiting for, jump.

THEY ALL START TO DO IT. WE THEN HEAR THE MOST ALMIGHTY CLATTER OF MESS TINS ETC AND A SLOSHING SOUND.

SGT

Stop!!!! The enemy would hear you lot coming from ten miles away. This is a night exercise gents, all of you get your kit off and sort it out. Not you Pratt, get here.

PRATT STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM AND IS PUZZLED.

SGT

Jump up and down.

WE HERE A WHOOSHING SOUND.

SGT

What the hell is that? You sound like a washing machine, open your jacket.

THE SGT PULLS OUT A HOT WATER BOTTLE.

PRATT

Oh dear how did that get in there?

SGT

You tell me, A hot water bottle you nouse I'll be having words with you later get back in line with the others.

THE SERGEANT ADDRESSES THE SECTION.

SGT

Listen in. Out of a maximum of five points, I'm awarding you one point, and that was for Watkinson's face camouflage? and that was a fluke. So gents, you?ve got a lot of catching up to do already, let's hope you have a better Night Nav.

Corporal Clark you can move out now. Do you know where you?re going?

CPL

Yes Sergeant, I?ve got it all sorted.

CPL CLARK IS BUSY LOOKING AT HIS MAP. HIS LADS FOLLOW HIM DOWN THE ROAD.

SGT

Corporal Clark.

CPL CLARK LOOKS BACK

SGT

It's that way.

THE SERGEANT POINTS IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.

CPL

Course it is.

THE SECTION TURNS ROUND, PASSING THE SERGEANT AND PRATT MAKES A COMMENT TO THE SERGEANT.

PRATT

God help us.

YOU HEAR SHEEP BLEATING AS THEY DISAPPEAR INTO THE DISTANCE.

PRATT

We're all going to die!!

SCENE 10 EXT ON A FIELD NEAR A ROAD

THE SECTION IS MOVING ACROSS A FIELD IN SINGLE FILE. THERE'S A LOT OF MOANING. IT'S DARK, THEY?RE LOST .

PRATT

We?ve been going two hours and we haven?t even reached our first checkpoint yet.

HATTY

Admit it Carky, we?re lost aren?t we?

THEY COME TO A ROAD.

CPL CLARK

This isn?t right. There shouldn?t be a road here.

PRATT

You?re right Clarky? its the map that?s wrong, you always seem to get a bad one.

CPL CLARK

Shut it you, it's not my fault. How can I see any road marking in this snow.

THEY?RE ALL NOW IN A SMALL CIRCLE, LOOKING AT THE MAP WITH A TORCH. MORALE IS LOW.

PARKIN

Let me have look at the map, I'll tell you where we are.

HATTY

Button it new boy, Corpse knows where he?s going, don?t you Corpse?

CLARK GIVES THE TORCH TO PARKIN.

CPL CLARK

Here, make yourself useful. Hold that. Now according to the map we?re here, the check point is here, so, we are faced with one choice?.. left or right?

PARKIN

It?s got to be left hasn?t it?

THEY ALL LOOK AT PARKIN

HATTY

Who asked you?

PARKIN

The check point's near Titmarch, isn?t it?

CPL CLARK

Err? yes!

PARKIN POINTS THE TORCH AT A ROAD SIGN WHICH IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.

PARKIN

Well, what does it say on that sign up there?

THE SIGN READS, TITMARSH 2 MILES, THEY ALL DUMBLY AGREE.

WOCKO

He

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