Half Day Closing

Half Day Closing

(30-60m)   by WARDI
 

Sitcoms/Stage Plays   (23757 Views 0 Comments)

HALF DAY CLOSING BY CLIVE WARD Synopsis Brian and Dudley are a couple of working class married guys who are sick of having no money so they decide to break the law and rob a bank, but the robbery goes drastically wrong which in turn changes their lives forever.

The Characters (main characters in bold)

DUDLEY (Male late twenties slow)

JANET (Brian's wife pregnant moody)

TERRY (Neighbour gang member)

PAULINE (Terry's wife slow)

FARMER (EX SPECIAL FORCES)

BRIAN (Male mid thirties fat)

SCENE 1. INT BRIAN'S HOUSE

SCENE 4. INT PUB

BRIAN IS AT THE BAR DUDLEY IS SITTING DOWN AT A TABLE DUMB STRUCK.

BRIAN

Here get that down your neck.

DUDLEY IS STILL STARING AT THE WALL

DUDLEY

It's her birthday on Saturday I promised I'd take her to Spain for a fortnight I can't even afford a day trip to Skegness.

BRIAN

For crying out loud cheer up will you it's not the end of the world.

DUDLEY HANDS BRIAN A LETTER

DUDLEY

Here read this. The bastards have sacked me.

BRIAN

Sacked? But you never had a job in the first place. ....Oh you mean they've stopped your benefits.

DUDLEY

They can't just stop my money like that. Can they? I'm a model government statistic me if it weren't for honest dossers like me there'd be no such thing as unemployment figures. It's folk like me who keep those bums at the social security offices in a job they can't stop my money; I've done nothing wrong!

BRIAN

According to this letter you've done everything wrong! Late signing on, forgetting to sign on, not turning up for interviews, failing to turn up for the job club, it's your own fault Dudley they've simply had enough of you

DUDLEY

I cant help being late and missing my signing time, half ten in the morning what do they expect I need my beauty sleep and that's bollocks I went to an interview last Friday what're they talking about.

BRIAN

Police interrogations about handling illegal pornographic videos don't count Dudley.

DUDLEY

Right that's it I'm going to find a job!

BRIAN

Don't be ridiculous where are you going to find a job nowadays that doesn't involve work... and if you do find work it wont be an instant cure will it. I've got more bills than a lake full of ducks... no! What we need is instant cash.

DUDLEY

I've got a fiver. We could buy some scratch cards, you never know.

THE LOCAL CON MAN DODGEY BLOKE TAPS BRIAN ON THE SHOULDER HE'S CARRYING A SPORTS BAG.

D B

Hello boys I couldn't help over hearing if its instant cash you want feast your eyes on this lot

BRIAN

Get lost we're not interested

D B

So you're not interested in earning a few bob then?

BRIAN

No sod off

DUDLEY

Not after last time when you flogged us fifty lighters for a tenner and we ended up with a box of matches!

D B

Yeah but you ended up with your lighters in the end and if I remember you made a right killing selling them on

BRIAN

We made a killing alright they put three people in hospital they were flame throwers not lighters

D B OPENS HIS SPORTS BAG TO REVEAL DOZENS OF CD'S AND PLACES THEM ON THE TABLE

D B

Feast your eyes on these

BRIAN

Like I said we're not interested

D B

Come on lads you could shift this lot, men with your sales techniques top quality these are

DUDLEY STARTS TO TAKE INTEREST AND PICKS ONE UP

BRIAN

Top quality you say

DODGY BLOKE

That's what I said no rubbish here pal there's all your top artists on there

DUDLEY

Hold on a minute Top hits 2008 they sound a bit dodgy to me

DODGY BLOKE STARTS TO WHISPER

D B

Shhhhhh... most of these tracks haven't even been released yet they'll go like hot cakes

BRIAN IS GETTING MAD AND STARTS TO RAISE HIS VOICE

BRIAN

These tracks haven't even been sung yet for the last time we're not interested go away

DB

O.k. ok I get the message your loss.

DUDLEY

Calm down Bri he's only trying to make a few quid like us

BRIAN

A few quid I'm not interested in a few quid I want to make some real money

DUDLEY

The only way we're going do that is rob a bank.

BRIAN

Sounds good to me

DUDLEY

Ok lets go... what? Are you serious?

BRIAN

Well you mentioned it and why not? We'll only have to do it once and all our problems will be over.

DUDLEY

Rob a bank! I don't know about that Brian

BRIAN

Shush! Tell the whole pub why don't yer!

DUDLEY

But we don't know the first thing about robbing banks

BRIAN

O.k. o.k. forget it...forget I even mentioned it... it's a stupid idea...

THEY BOTH TAKE A DRINK OF THEIR BEERS TOGETHER

DUDLEY

Only the once you say

BRIAN

I knew you'd come round

DUDLEY

Hold your horses I haven't said I'll do it yet.

BRIAN

We're only going to rob the rich to give it to the poor

DUDLEY

Give it away to the poor... what's the point in that, that's stupid

BRIAN

I meant us we're the poor come on drink up we've got some planning to do, we'll go round my house where it's a bit quieter.

SCENE 5. INT PUB LOUNGE

IN THE LOUNGE THE REAL BANK ROBBERS ARE GOING THROUGH THEIR PLAN

MICKEY

Right lets go through it one more time, as soon as the security wagon stops and the guard gets out on my signal Spike and Bung you pull in front, Me and Tez will pull up behind blocking it in. Tez it's your job to grab the guard and we all know the rest, we've done it before... Are you listening to me Tez?

TEZ

Err yes boss

BRIAN AND DUDLEY WALK PAST THE GANG ON THE WAY TO THE BAR

DUDLEY

Hi Tez missus let you out has she?

TEZ GIVES DUDLEY A DIRTY LOOK

MICKEY

Who the hells that dickhead? Ah I hope he wasn't eaves dropping.

TEZ

Who Dudley...nah even if he did he'd have forgot it by now he's got the memory of a gold fish.

MICKEY

So Tez explain to me your roll in this robbery

TEZ

Err... can you run through it again?

ALL THE OTHER'S ROLL UP LAUGHING

MICKEY

Come on guys the time for laughing is over this is our last job and it should set us all up for life.

BUNG

So how much do you reckon will be in that van then Mickey

MICKEY

I'll tell you what I'll phone them up and ask them shall I... I don't bloody know a lot, over a million it'll be picking up all day ours is its last stop.

DODGY BLOKE WALKS UP TO THE GANG

DG

Hello boys any of you lot interested in....

THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

ALL

PISS OFF

BAZ AND DUDLEY ARE ON THEIR WAY OUT OF THE PUB AND ARE MET BY JANET WITH THE KIDS

BRIAN

Janet!

JANET

I thought I'd find you here I think you'll find these are yours.

SHE HANDS OVER THE KIDS TO BRIAN

JANET

I'm off out someone's got to try and bring some money into the house

BRIAN

You've got a job then?

JANET

No I'm off to bingo I need a break see you later.

THE REAL ROBBERS WALK PAST BRIAN AND DUDLEY

TEZ

She's got you two well trained

TEZ AND THE LADS LAUGH AT THEM AS THEY WALK AWAY

BRIAN

I don't get it that lot have never done a days work in their lives but they've always got money and drive flash cars.

DUDLEY

Not to worry Bri we'll soon have more than they'll ever dream about, come on lets get planning especially now we've got 2 new gang members.

JAKE IS POINTING A TOY GUN AT THEM

JAKE

Bang you're dead.

SCENE 6. INT BRIAN'S HOUSE

BACK AT BRIAN'S HOUSE BRIAN HAS A NOTE BOOK THEY ARE DRINKING BEER THE CHILDREN ARE IN THE BACKGROUND.

BRIAN

So what are we going to need to rob a bank? Number one. A car.

DUDLEY

You can forget it if your thinking of using mine.

BRIAN

Are you totally thick or what? You don't use your own car when you rob a bank... we'll have to steal one.

DUDLEY

Steal one! What if we get caught? Can't we just borrow one? I'll ask my mate Phil who lives on the corner; I'm sure he wont mind.

BRIAN

...You're right I think this is a bad idea

DUDLEY(LAUGHING)

What's wrong with that?

BRIAN

For one Phil's a copper and two he drives a police car

DUDLEY

It was a joke.

BRIAN

Well the time for jokes is over if we want this to work we've got to get serious ok... don't worry about the car. I'll sort it out. What else do we need?

DUDLEY

Disguises We don't want to be recognised do we.

BRIAN

Good thinking, you sort out some disguises. Right. What else do we need?

DUDLEY

Guns!

BRIAN LOOKS AT DUDLEY IN A STATE OF SHOCK

DUDLEY

Ok bananas then

BRIAN

Good now you're thinking. A couple of bananas under our coats they wont know the difference... Now there was something else. What is it? It's on the tip of my tongue.

DUDLEY

I know... a bank! If we're going to do a bank job we'll need a bank. When we going to do it then?

BRIAN

Tomorrow

DUDLEY (SOUNDS WORRIED)

Tomorrow... that's a bit soon isn't

BRIAN

No time like the present if we leave it too long we'll start getting cold feet I'll meet you outside your house tomorrow at 11.30

DUDLEY

O.k. your on

JUST THEN JANET WALKS IN THEY BOTH PANIC

DUDLEY

Oh hi Janet

DUDLEY STANDS UP

JANET

Hello Dudley. Haven't you two got anything better to do than sit around the house all day. You're supposed to be out looking for a job?

BRIAN

And who's supposed to look after the kids

JANET

Why didn't you take them round my mums or with you I have to take them everywhere I go.

BRIAN

Janet! you've got an answer for everything anyway we've got something to tell you haven't we Dudley?

DUDLEY

Have we!

BRIAN

I've got an interview for a job tomorrow afternoon

JANET

A job! Its sunk in has it and about time too, will you be going anywhere near the bank.

BRIAN AND DUDLEY

Bank?

BRIAN AND DUDLEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SHOCK

BRIAN

Err... no!

DUDLEY

Yes we are Brian.

BRIAN GIVES DUDLEY A MAD WORRIED LOOK

JANET

Well make your bloody mind up where's your job interview at?

BRIAN

In town

JANET

Good you can get me a tenner from the cash point I'm skint till' I get my social on Thursday.

SCENE 7. EXT CAR ONE

BRIAN PULLS UP OUTSIDE DUDLEY'S HOUSE DUDLEY GETS IN THE CAR CARRYING A POLLY BAG THEY DRIVE OFF

BRIAN

Well!... had any second thoughts?

DUDLEY

No... You?

BRIAN

No, it's now or never. Did you get the gear?

DUDLEY STARTS TO TAKE THE DISGUISES OUT OF THE BAG. THEY DRIVE OFF

BRIAN

Don't get them out yet. Wait till we get to the bank, stupid.

DUDLEY

Where did you get the wheels?

BRIAN

I borrowed them off my cousin Duncan!

DUDLEY

What? I thought you said you were going to steal one

BRIAN PULLS OVER IN A SIDE STREET NEAR THE BANK

BRIAN

Stop flapping it is stolen. Our Duncan deals in stolen cars... right we're nearly there you can get the gear out here. Now remember the plan, you stand near the entrance as lookout, I'll do the rest Are you ready?

DUDLEY

I think so

THEY BOTH DON THEIR DISGUISES WHICH ARE PILLOW CASES WITH SLITS IN THEM BRIAN PULLS OUT A LARGE CUCUMBER

BRIAN

We said bananas. How the hell am I going to get this up my coat you twat

DUDLEY

Have you seen the price of bananas lately?

BRIAN SNAPS THE CUCUMBER IN HALF

BRIAN

Here! Right are you ready? Lets do it. Come on.

THEY DRIVE OFF AND PULL OUTSIDE THE BANK GET OUT THE CAR AND WALK TO THE ENTRANCE OF THE BANK A LITTLE OLD LADY CONFRONTS THEM

OLD LADY

Are you after robbing the bank?

DUDLEY

What!!!

OLD LADY

Are you after robbing the bank?

BRIAN

No

OLD LADY

Well you look like bank robbers, anyway your out of luck lads its half day closing You'll have to come back tomorrow I'm afraid

DUDLEY

Jesus

BRIAN

Cheers! Get back in the car Dudley the Robbery's off

DUDLEY

What about your Missuses tenner?

BRIAN

Just get in the car Dudley for Christ's sake

DUDLEY HAS HIS HOOD THE WRONG WAY ROUND AND IS STRUGGLING TO FIND THE CAR DOOR HANDLE

BRIAN

What are you messing around at? Get in the bloody car.

BRIAN

Well that was a waste of bloody time

DUDLEY

Didn't you hear her? We can come back tomorrow?

BRIAN

Yeah why not we could always phone them and tell them when we are arriving couldn't we!

JUST THEN AN AFRO-CARIBBEAN TRAFFIC WARDEN IS KNOCKING ON THE CAR WINDOW THEY LOOK LIKE MEMBERS OF THE KKK. BRIAN WINDS DOWN THE WINDOW

BRIAN

Is there a problem officer?

WARDEN

Now lets see. Fancy dress or on your way to a lynching?

BRAIN

Lynching? Oh I see I get it Err Fancy dress.

WARDEN

Wherever you're going you can't park here you're on a double yellow

BRIAN DRIVES AWAY LEAVING THE TRAFFIC WARDEN SCRATCHING HIS HEAD

DUDLEY

So what now Brian, shall we come back tomorrow?

BRIAN

Dudley we have just pulled up outside the bank in broad daylight dressed like bank robbers, witnessed by two people one of them being a traffic warden... I tell you what we should have done we should have left them a Calling Card Brian and Dudley your friendly bank robbers called today but you were closed. We will be in the area tomorrow; we'll give you a call.

DUDLEY

So that's a no then?

BRIAN

Any more bright ideas...Pause...We better get rid of this car and stupid costumes this was a stupid idea

DUDLEY

Yeah need to get the costumes back to the hire shop

BRIAN

You what! You hired them?

DUDLEY

Yeah you know from that shop next to the Post Office in our village

THERE'S SILENCE THEN THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THEY BOTH SAY THE SAME WORD WITH ENTHUSIASM

POST OFFICE

NOW WE SEE THE CAR DRIVING INTO THE DISTANCE TO THEIR VILLAGE

DUDLEY

No we can't do it. Not our own Post Office.

BRIAN

Excuse me. Weren't we about to rob a bank about ten minutes ago? Come on you were the one that thought of the idea in the first place. We've got nothing to lose

DUDLEY

How about our freedom if we get caught. Forget it I'm having second thoughts about the whole thing, besides its our own bloody Post Office.

BRIAN

Run by a pensioner She must be about 109 by now.

Remember her old man when he was alive?

DUDLEY

Do I! Can you remember when we stole those cigarettes on our way home from school and her old man god rest his soul chased us for ages...

BRIAN

Yeah! Until his Alzheimer's kicked in. Then the poor bugger wondered where the fuck he was and why he was running?

THEY BOTH LAUGH

DUDLEY

Well? Are we doing it or what?

BRIAN

Yeah lets do it, but on one condition. We don't bother hanging around afterwards handing those costumes back next door. I don't want to appear on Britain's stupidest criminals.

DUDLEY

Hold on what about my ?5 deposit?

DUDLEY LAUGHS

BRIAN

I'm going to twat you in a minute.

SCENE 8. INT ROBBERS CAR

THE REAL BADDIES ARE PARKED DOWN THE STREET FROM THE POST OFFICE WAITING FOR THE SECURITY WAGON TO ARRIVE THEY ARE WEARING THE SAME COSTUMES BUT HAVE REAL GUNS

MICKEY

What time do you make it?

TEZ

Two minutes to one

MICKEY

Right get your hood on they'll be here any second. Hold on a minute. Who the hells parked their car right outside our bloody post office I don't "fucking" believe it. Who the hell are they?

TEZ IS ON THE RADIO

TEZ

OK Spike I'll ask him. Spike wants to know if we're still doing it?

MICKEY

Tell him yes of course were still doing it, we're not interested in what's in the post office

THE SECURITY WAGON APPROACHES

MICKEY

That's what we are interested in

SCENE 9.INT THE POST OFFICE

BRIAN

This is a robbery. Put the money in the bag old lady, now.

OLD WOMAN

What? You'll have to speak up I'm a bit deaf

BRIAN

Put the money in the bag or I will shoot you.

DUDLEY

Steady on Bri she is an old woman.

BRIAN

Dudley, will you shut up. Go over to the window and keep a look out.

THE OLD WOMAN DISAPPEARS OUT OF SIGHT

BRIAN

Now, where's she gone? Oi I was serious

SHE REAPPEARS WITH A WW1 ARMY RIFLE THAT IS AS BIG SHE IS SHE THEN COCKS IT

FX CLICK

OLD WOMAN

Now what were you saying young man?

BRIAN STEPS BACK IN FRIGHT

OLD WOMAN

My old man said I might need this one-day and he was right.

BRIAN

Shit

THROUGH THE WINDOW THE ROBBERY OF THE SECURITY WAGON IS TAKING PLACE

DUDLEY

Bri you better come and have a look at this

BRIAN

You better come and have a look at this! Now put the gun down don't do anything stupid

DUDLEY

Brian

BRIAN LOOKS OUTSIDE IN SHOCK THE SECURITY WAGON IS BLOCKED IN AND A SECURITY OFFICER HAS A GUN TO HIS HEAD.

SCENE 9A. EXT OUTSIDE POST OFFICE

MICKEY

Open the bloody door or I'll blow his brains out. "Do it"

THE DRIVER OPENS THE DOOR AND THE ROBBERS CLIMB IN AND CARRY OUT THE ROBBERY. THEN SUDDENLY THEY HEAR A SHOT FROM INSIDE THE POST OFFICE THEY ALL STOP AND LOOK ROUNDTHEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER

MICKEY

Come on move it.

BRIAN

What did you do that for? Its not us you want to shoot. It's them.

OLD WOMAN

That was a warning shot. I wont miss next time

BRIAN

Look we haven't really got guns its just a cucumber we... we were just playing. The real robbers are outside.

DUDLEY TAKES HIS HOOD OFF

BRIAN

What're you doing you idiot? Put it back on there's a video camera up there

DUDLEY

I'm not getting framed for something I haven't done

BRIAN

It's a bit too late for that

BRI TAKES HIS HOOD OFF TOO. THE REAL ROBBERS GET IN THEIR CARS AND GO

DUDLEY

Looks like they're off

THE OLD LADY FIRES ANOTHER SHOT

BRIAN

Shit! So are we.

THEY PASS 2 SECURITY OFFICERS

DUDLEY

Lads just wanted you to know we're nothing to do with them right

THE SECURITY GUARDS LOOK AT EACH OTHER PUZZLED

BRIAN

Come on Dudley

THEY JUMP IN THE CAR AND DRIVE OFF

BRIAN

Remind me never to do anything so stupid ever again. What a balls up! And what did we get out of it? "Nothing apart from a bloody headache. She shouldn't be in charge of a post office. They want to send her out to Afghanistan to hunt down Bin Laden. She's deadly.

SCENE 9 INT HIDE OUT

THE GANG ARE SITTING ROUND A TABLE WITH THE CASH ALL IN USED NOTES

MICKEY

How much do you reckon there is?

SPIKE

A lot

TEZ

I've never seen so much money before in my life, there must be about 3 million here

BUNG

We'll never have to do another job ever again... what do we do now Share it out?

MICKEY

NO! We lay low for a few days. Every copper for miles will be looking for this lot and us! So Tez I'll let you hide the money and I don't want to know where it is ok, nor do you tell this lot, we'll meet up again when and only when I say so.

TEZ

But Mickey, Where am I going to hide 3 million quid?

MICKEY

I've just said I don't want to know. You'll think of somewhere.

BUNG

Hold on a minute I don't like the idea of this. How come he gets to hide money? What's stopping him pissing off with the lot? Where does that leave us?

MICKEY

So that's what you'd do is it? Piss off with the lot.

(LOOKS AROUND AT THE OTHER GANG MEMBERS THEY LOOK MAD)

BUNG

Too bloody' right I would.

MICKEY

Exactly. That's why I didn't pick you. For one, all of us apart from Tez , has a criminal record

TEZ

I have... I've got 3 points for speeding

MICKEY

Shut up stupid... And two he's married to my sister and she'd cut his bollocks off.

THERE IS A PAUSE

MICKEY

So it's agreed. Tez,, we're all trusting you. Don't let us down. We'll all meet up again when I say, until then keep stum ok. Ok

THEY ALL ACKNOWLEDGE MICKEY

MICKEY (GRABS TEZ'S ARM)

And Tez... don't fuck up.

SCENE 11.INT BRIAN'S HOUSE

(TWO WEEKS LATER) IT'S EVENING BRI AND DUDLEY ARE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION EATING TEA ITS SALAD JANET IS DOING THE IRONING IN THE BACK GROUND

BRIAN

Switch over Dudley, Footballs on at half past nine.

DUDLEY PICKS UP HALF A CUCUMBER AND POINTS IT AT BRI

DUDLEY

Eh Brian, stick em up

BRIAN

You twat don't remind me of that... What a disaster that was

JANE

What was?

BRIAN

Nothing

DUDLEY SWITCHES OVER TO CRIME WATCH

HOST

Now we move on to a more distressing case 2 weeks ago today in the village of Ronslow. A robbery took place. This was no ordinary robbery. Not satisfied with robbing a Security Vehicle, the armed robbers robbed the local. Post Office as well.

DUDLEY AND JANET ARE WATCHING THE TELLY WITH INTEREST BRI IS EATING HIS TEA READING THE PAPER

BRIAN

Are you switching over to football or what?

JANET/DUD

HOST

Inspector Cranwell. We've got CCTV pictures of two of the robbers haven't we?

THE TWO PICTURES OF BRI AND DUDLEY APPEAR ON THE SCREEN JANET STOPS IRONING IN SHOCK DUDLEY LOOKS OPEN MOUTHED

DUDLEY

Bri we're on telly.

BRIAN SLURPS HIS FOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE

INSPECTOR

Yes. The footage is taken from a CCTV camera inside the Post Office.

HOST

What is puzzling is the robbers took their KKK type hoods off. Now why did they do that?

INSPECTOR

We don't know why? But we are grateful to them for that

BRI TURNS TO DUDLEY

BRIAN

Twat!!

INSPECTOR

Not only that we now know one of the robbers used the name Dudley.

DUDLEY TURNS TO BRI

DUDLEY

Twat!!

HOST

You're desperate to catch these men aren't you?

INSPECTOR

That's right. This gang, we believe, are connected to another 16 armed robberies in the Midlands area, plus another attempted bank robbery earlier on the same day just a few miles away from Ronslow.

HOST

The 76-year lady who owns the Post Office was very brave and managed to scare the robbers away. She must have been scared to death.

BRIAN

You mean we were scared to death she was crazy

JANET

Shush

INSPECTOR

That's right, a very brave women indeed. The prime suspects, and the rest of the gang are not to be approached. They are very violent and dangerous

HOSTS

There's a reward isn't there?

INSPECTOR

That's right. There's a reward of ?25000 pounds to anybody with information leading to their arrest.

HOST

This is the number if you think you know these two or if you think you have any information

Inspector Cramwell. Thank you

JANET HAS THE PHONE IN HER HAND DIALLING THE NUMBER ON SCREEN

BRIAN

Janet what're you doing?

JANET

Phoning that number Brian. That was you.

DUDLEY

And me

BRIAN

We had nothing to do with that robbery I'm telling you it was all a big mistake in identity. If I had ?3 million quid do you think I'd still be here now Janet listen to me babe.

JANET

Well who the hell was that. Ronnie Biggs ?

BRIAN

But we didn't do anything. Janet put the phone down, put the phone down now

DUDLEY

Stop her Bri I don't want to go to prison

BRI TRIES TO GRAB THE PHONE JANET HOLDS THE HOT IRON UP THREATENING THEM

JANET

Don't even think about it... Oh hello I've got some information for you about the Post Office job... It was my husband and his mate. They did it.

POLICEMAN

Eh sir there's this woman on the phone. She says the two robbers are her old man and his mate.

INSPECTOR

Not another one. Ok take the details, we'll send some one round later.

BRIAN

Janet what have you done? I can't believe you've just done that.

JANET

It's 25,000 thousand quid Brian. We need the money ok!

BRIAN

Come on Dudley lets get out of here

DUDLEY

Where we going?

BRIAN

I don't know anywhere. Thanks Janet thanks a lot

JANET IS STILL ON THE PHONE TO THE POLICE

JANET

Hurry up, they're getting away

POLICE

We'll send some one round as soon as we can madam

JANET

No, you've got to come round now.

SCENE 12.EXT STREET

BRIAN AND DUDLEY ARE OUTSIDE ON THE STREET

BRIAN

We'll use your car Dudley

DUDLEY

We can't... my tax disc is out of date

BRIAN

We've just discovered we are Britain's most Wanted and you're worried about your poxy tax disc. You're unbelievable sometimes Dudley just get in the car

THEY'RE NOW STANDING IN FRONT OF DUDLEY'S CAR

DUDLEY

Oh! And I haven't got any wheels either... we could catch the bus

BRIAN

Think... think... think... got it

BRI WALKS A FEW DOORS DOWN TO THEIR NEIGHBOURS HOUSE AND PRESSES THE DOOR BELL

BRIAN

Do me favour Dudley. Don't open your mouth. Oh hello Pauline.

PAULINE

Brian... What ever it is you want, we haven't got any OK!

BRIAN

Is Tez in?

PAULINE

He's in the bath

WE SEE TEZ IN THE BATH SINGING. HE IS SINGING HIS VERSION OF AN ABBA SONG HE HAS HEAD PHONES ON

TEZ

Money... Money... Money. Isn't it funny... in a rich mans world?

BACK DOWN STAIRS

BRIAN

Can I borrow his car? It's an emergency.

PAULINE

Why what's happened?

BRIAN

It's Janet; she's having the baby. I need the car to take her to the hospital... please help me out

PAULINE

What now? Already? I thought she was only 4 months gone; she can't be having it yet!

BRIAN

Well she is. Can I borrow your car I think her waters have broken? Please Pauline.

PAULINE

Haven't you called an ambulance?

BRIAN (GETS MAD)

There isn't time to wait for an ambulance. Are you going to give me your car or what?

PAULINE

O.K. Bri calm down. I'll go and ask his lordship

PAULINE RUNS UPSTAIRS WE HEAR A SHOUT IN THE STREET FROM A DISTANCE

JANET

BRIAN... Brian, get back here now

BRIAN

Dudley. Go and shut her up, delay her or something

DUDLEY

Bollocks! She's your missus.

BRIAN

Dudley, just do it will you while I deal with this

PAULINE IS NOW KNOCKING ON THE BATHROOM DOOR SHE THEN TRIES THE DOOR IT IS LOCKED.

PAULINE

TEZ... Tez open the door.

TEZ IS MILES AWAY SINGING HIS HEART OUT TO ANOTHER ABBA TRACK "THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL THE LOSER STANDING

TALL.

PAULINE GOES THROUGH HIS POCKET ON THE BED AND FINDS HIS KEYS

DUDLEY IS DOING HIS BEST TO STALL JANET BY HOLDING THE GARDEN GATE SHUT ON HER SHE HITS HIS FINGERS WITH A SAUCEPAN

DUDLEY

Ouch!

JANET

Open this gate. You're not going to get away the police will get you in the end Open this pissing gate now

SHE STARTS TO HIT HIM

DUDLEY

I'm sorry Janet I can't... Hurry up Brian!

PAULINE APPEARS WITH THE CAR KEYS

BRIAN

Cheers Pauline you're an angel

PAULINE

Don't forget to bring it back he'll flip his lid when he finds out you've taken his car

BRIAN JUMPS INTO A VOLVO ESTATE DRIVES UP TO DUDLEY, DUDLEY JUMPS IN JANET THROWS THE SAUCEPAN AT THE CAR .

DUDLEY

Thank God for that I thought I was mincemeat

JANET IS RUNNING DOWN THE ROAD AFTER THEM SHOUTING. PAULINE APPEARS

PAULINE

Stop. You forgot Janet.

JANET

What the hell are you on about. Why did you give them your car you stupid cow?

PAULINE

They said you were having the baby. Are you ok Janet?

TEZ IS OUT OF THE BATH AND HEARS THE COMMOTION IN THE STREET HE LOOKS OUT OF HIS BEDROOM WINDOW THEN CARRY'S ON DRESSING THEN HE STOPS SUDDENLY IN SHOCK AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN TO FIND HIS CAR VANISHED

TEZ

Where's me car? Where's my F... ing car

SCENE 13.INT CAR 3

ON THE ROAD WITH BRI AND DUD

DUDLEY

Where we going Bri?

BRIAN

I don't know, as far away from here as we can

DUDLEY

Then what?

BRIAN

I don't know... shut up. Shit, would you believe it.

DUDLEY

What is it?

BRIAN

We're on empty

SCENE 14.EXT/INT GARAGE

THEY PULL ONTO THE GARAGE FORECOURT

BRIAN

Here's 20 quid. Go and pay for the petrol while I fill up, and hurry up

Comedy Type: Script Length: Post date:

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30-60m Sitcoms/Stage Plays - Half Day Closing