FLAT MATES

FLAT MATES

(30-60m)   by WARDI
 

Sitcoms/Stage Plays   (20235 Views 1 Comments)

FLATMATES A SIT COM OR STAGE PLAY BY

CLIVE WARD

RUNNING TIME 30-45 MINUTES

2011

3 OUT OF WORK EX STUDENTS LIVE IN A FLAT TOGETHER

CHARACTERS

KEV LATE 20's FAT LAZY

SHANE MID 20?S LAZY

CHANTELLE MID 20?S SEXY GOOD LOOKING

LEONARD BOY FRIEND NERD

OTHERS

POLICEMAN

ALL THREE HAVE BEEN SHARING A FLAT SINCE THEY WERE STUDENTS THEY ALL FLUNK OUT OF UNI 3 YEARS AGO CHANTELLE WORKS AS AN EXTRA FOR A DODGEY AGENCY ALL SHE GETS OFFERED IS PARTS IN PORN FILMS?KEV AND SHANE HAVE THERE OWN BUSINESS CALLED ?CAPTAIN BREAKDOWN? THERE BREAKDOWN TRUCK AS BEEN OFF THE ROAD FOR A YEAR IT?S BROKEN DOWN! THEY ARE BOTH SUPER HERO COMIC MAD WHEN THEY ARE CALLED OUT TO A BREAKDOWN THEY DRESS AS SUPER HERO?S

SCENE 1 INT LIVING ROOM

THE THREE ARE SITTING PLAYING CARDS CHANTELLE HAS ONE CARD KEV IS SMILING AND SHANE HAS A DUMB LOOK ON HIS FACE.

KEV

Well? well? well? a royal flush! I win again it looks like you're going to have to lose that bra I'm afraid.

SHANE

Me?

KEV

Not you, you idiot!

CHANTELLE

Err? are you sure this is how you play strip poker and why have I only got one card?

KEV

Because those are the rules, you bloody women don?t have a clue when it comes to playing cards do you!

CHANTELLE STARTS TO TAKE OFF HER BRA KEV IS GETTING EXCITED SHANE IS STILL LOOKING DUMBLY AT HIS CARDS, THEN SMILES AND SLAMS A CARD ON THE TABLE.

SHANE

Snap!

CHANTELLE GETS UP ?SHE?S HAD ENOUGH AND THROWS HER CARD DOWN.

KEV

Chantelle, where you going? We haven't finished yet!

CHANTELLE TURNS AROUND AND COVERS HER NAKEDNESS WITH HER HANDS AND ARMS

CHANTELLE

I'm not playing your stupid game anymore! I'm going to get dressed, can?t you see I'm half naked!

KEV

Well, not really you've got your arm in the way? Thanks a lot Shane? talk about bad timing

SHANE

What have I done?

CHANTELLE TALKS FROM THE BEDROOM

CHANTELLE

I hope you?re not going to doss around the house all day I've got housework to do, isn?t it about time you got your Breakdown truck fixed.

KEV

CAPTAIN BREAKDOWN LTD is no more me and Shane have decided to call it a day haven?t we Shane.

SHANE

Yeah it pissed us off every time we got a Called to breakdown, we ended up breaking down! all we were doing is keeping every other breakdown company in business.

CHANTELLE

So what are you two losers going to do now then?

KEV

Well seeing as we are the world greatest super hero's? helpers of the innocent and upholders of law and order?

KEV SITS DOWN ON THE SETTEE AND OPENS A CAN OF BEER SHANE PICKS UP A BEER

KEV

?I thought we'd stop in and get pissed what do you say Shane

SHANE

Good idea Kevin

CHANTELLE

So what?s wrong with the Truck?

KEV

The bloke at the garage said the gearbox had gone but I told him it was the clutch, which was faulty.

CHANTELLE

Was the clutch burnt out or was there a problem with the hydraulic system?

THERE'S SILENCE KEV AND SHANE LOOK AT EACH OTHER

KEV

United played well yesterday!

CHANTELLE WALKS INTO THE BED ROOM LOOKING MAD

KEV IS NOW SWITCHING THE TELE ON WITH THE REMOTE

SHANE

I've come to a decision Kev

KEV

Don?t tell me let me guess your going to lose your virginity

SHANE

No

KEV

What then the suspense is killing me.

SHANE

I'm going to get myself a job

KEV SPURTS HIS DRINK EVERYWHERE AND LOOKS AT SHANE IN DISBELIEF

KEV

Why the hell do you want to work when I've taught you everything you want to know!

VOICE FROM THE BEDROOM

CHANTELLE

The only thing you've taught him is how to abuse his liver

KEV COUGHS

SHANE

All we do is sit around the house all day drinking beer and watching porn there must be more to life than that.

CHANTELLE

Well said

KEV Well I can?t think of anything!?

KEV PICK'S UP A LOAD OF CD'S

KEV

Ok. I'll change the beer and I'll get hold of some new porn you don?t know what you're saying Shane?\ anyway how can you get a job when we could be called out the save the planet any second.

CHANTELLE WALKS OUT OF THE BEDROOM WEARING A GYM SUIT

CHANTELLE

Ah! Save the planet? you two! Are we talking about the same so called super heroes who got refused when they tried to join the local neighbourhood watch? No I'm sorry boys but this planet is a much safer place without you two morons?

KEV

I had a job once you know

SHANE

Ah you had a job?

KEV

Yes a highly skilled job it was too! They wanted someone with qualifications

CHANTELLE

So how come they picked you then?

KEV

I got the job because of my superior intellect.

SHANE

So? what was the job then Kev?

KEV

Toilet cleaner

CHANTELLE AND SHANE LAUGH LOUDLY

KEV

?and I got the sack in the first week

SHANE

What for?

KEV

I didn?t realise you weren't meant to clean the ladies toilets? well not while they were still sat on them anyway

THE PHONE RINGS SHANE ANSWERS IT

SHANE

Hello? holy chicken madras ok we'll be right there

KEV

What is it Shane?

SHANE

A plane load of table top dancers have crashed on a desert Island and they wanted rescuing

KEV

You're having me on

SHANE

Yeah I am ?Chantelle it's for you

CHANTELLE

Hello? oh no that?s terrible? why? I can't believe it oh my god that?s just awful!

CHANTELLE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN KEV IS NOW HOLDING CHANTELLE

KEV

Oh no? no?don't tell me the pub across the road is closing down isn't it?

CHANTELLE

No it's a lot worse than that.

SHANE

The curry house has stopped doing free deliveries!

CHANTELLE

No my aerobics class as been cancelled! Great that means I can go out with my new boyfriend tonight

KEV AND SHANE LOOK DUMBLY AT EACH OTHER THEY ARE BOTH SILENT

KEV

Hold on a minute Boy friend!! you? since when?

CHANTELLE

Aren't I aloud to have a boyfriend or something?

THERE'S SILENCE

SHANE

Tell her Kev

KEV

Tell her what?

SHANE

You know that little chat we had!

KEV

Oh that! You tell her

CHANTELLE

Well I'm waiting

SHANE

Err well Kev and me always thought you were you know err ?a homosexual

KEV

Lesbian you idiot

CHANTELLE

Me a lesbian! And how did you come to that conclusion?

KEV AS A SMIRKY LOOK

KEV

After knowing you all these years we've often wondered why you've never made a play for one of us? Haven't we Shane?

SHANE

Yeah or even both of us we don?t mind sharing do we Kev!

CHANTELLE

Oh my god ?How could I ever fancy such a pair of sad morons like you two you?ve totally lost the plot?

THEIRS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR CHANTELLE ANSWERS IT

LENONARD IS STANDING THERE WITH FLOWERS SHE GIVE HIM A HUG

LEONARD

Hi Chants

CHANTELLE

Flowers for me oh they?re beautiful Leonard

LEONARD KEV AND SHANE OPEN CANS OF ALE AND START WATCHING THE TELEVISION

CHANTELLE

Cough! Boys this is Leonard, my new boyfriend

LEONARD

Nice to meet you

SHANE BURPS

KEV AND SHANE ARE NOT INTERESTED.

LEONARD HAS HIS ARM ROUND CHANTELLE SHE SMILES.

LEONARD

I hope you two have been looking after my beautiful princess!

CHANTELLE

Oh Leonard, stop it!

KEV

So Len, I hope you'll be able to support Chants in the manner she's used too!

CHANTELLE

Leonard is the managing director of a large brewery

KEV STANDS UP AND OFFERS LEN HIS SEAT

KEV

Why didn't you say so? Shane let Leonard sit down ? Chantelle go and put the kettle on.

CHANTELLE WHISPERS IN KEV'S EAR

CHANTELLE

And don?t you two go embarrassing me! I?M warning you I'm very fond of Leonard.

CHANTELLE EXITS THE ROOM KEV OFFERS LENOARD A CAN OF BEER

KEV

Beer Leonard?

LEONARD

Oh no thanks?

KEV

So Len?you don?t mind me calling you Len do you?

LEONARD

No go ahead

KEV

Len? Lenny mate? any chance of getting hold of any freebies?

LEONARD

Freebies? Oh no that's against company policy! We have a strict stock control at our brewery

KEV SNATCHES THE BEER BACK OFF LEONARD, LEONARD IS SHOCKED

KEV

Well in that case then give me that back ?get out of that chair and if you think you're getting your grubby little hands on our Chantelle forget it

SHANE LOOKS CONFUSED

LEONARD

Who do you think you are? Get your hands off me I want to speak to Chantelle

KEV

Well you cant ?out

LEONARD

Says who?

KEV IS MAN HANDLING HIM OUT OF THE DOOR

KEV

Now get out my house sling your hook go on and don?t come back if you know what's good for.

KEV SLAMS THE DOOR

KEV

The cheeks getting our hopes up like that!

SHANE

Yeah who does he think he is? ?no consideration for other people?s needs?

CHANTELLE WALKS BACK IN WITH A TRAY OF TEA

CHANTELLE

Here you go err? where's Leonard?

KEV

He had to go he said he was sorry but he forgot he had a very important meeting

CHANTELLE

Rubbish he wouldn't just go like that, not without saying goodbye to me first? what happened?

SHANE

Err well err you see I ?

KEV

I told him to piss off

CHANTELLE SLAMS THE TRAY OF TEA ON THE TABLE SHE IS ANGRY

CHANTELLE

You had no right to do that he's my boyfriend why did you kick him out?

KEV AND SHANE LOOK AT EACH OTHER

KEV

Err? he tried it on with Shane

SHANE

That?s right he did? he did

KEV

He tried to kiss him

SHANE LOOKS AT KEV

SHANE

He tried to kiss me?

KEV

He had his hand down his shorts

SHANE

Yeah? Eh?

CHANTELLE

Rubbish KEV you just can't stand the thought of me having a boy friend can you? I better go after him he probably doesn't want anything to do with me anymore thanks to you pair of clowns

CHANTELLE STORMS OFF

THE DOOR SLAMS

SHANE

When did he have his hand down my shorts?

KEV

Shut up Shane

THEY BOTH SIT DOWN THERE?S SILENCE

You do know if Chantelle really likes that ponce she'll move out and live with him and you know what that means don?t you?

SHANE

We won't be able to peep at her undressing through the crack in the door no more?

KEV

No we'll have no one to clean the house and cook our dinner do the ironing the list is endless we've gotta get back in her good books

KEV NOW HAS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND IS THINKING

SHANE

Holly housework KEV you're right what are we going to do? Are you using your super mental powers to think of a solution?

KEV

No I've got a headache go and get me an aspirin from the kitchen

SHANE

Ok? Err hold on a sec where is the kitchen

KEV

You see we're totally useless without our Chantelle

KEV JUMPS UP AND PUTS HIS HAND IN THE AIR

KEV

Got it!

JUST THEN THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR

KEV

Door Shane

SHANE

Door Chantelle

FX KNOCK? KNOCK? KNOCK

KEV

Is she deaf or what Chantelle the door

WE HEAR A VOICE COMING OUT OF THE LETTER BOX

CHANTELLE

It's me open the door

KEV OPENS THE DOOR CHANTELLE WALKS STRAIGHT PAST THEM TO HER ROOM SHE'S NOT VERY HAPPY

CHANTELLE

That?s it I've had it with you two I'm going to my room

CHANTELLE GOES TO HER ROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR

KEV

HUMPH! Women! I just don?t understand them sometimes Shane

SHANE

Yeah! Especially those French birds? can't understand a bloody word

KEV

Shane shut up

SHANE

Sorry!

KEV

Right where was I plan A

SCENE 2:INT LIVING ROOM LATER

LATER AND SHANE IS STANDING THERE HOLDING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS

SHANE

Will these do KEV? I hope this is going to work I really feel bad about taking them and I nearly got caught.

KEV

Since when have you had a conscience? And anyway they aren't going to miss them they're dead

KEV KNOCKS ON CHANTELLE'S DOOR

KEV

Cooee!? Chantelle close your eyes I've got a lovely surprise for you

CHANTELLE

Piss off

KEV KNOCKS AGAIN AND WINKS AT SHANE

CHANTELLE

What?

KEV

Its me Kevin don?t you want to have a look what it is?

CHANTELLE OPENS THE DOOR SHE'S BEEN CRYING

CHANTELLE

Oh are those for me? Thanks boys this is the first time you've ever bought me flowers maybe you're turning into a more caring flat mates?

KEV

What ever are you going to make our tea now or what?

CHANTELLE

Oh and a card too?

KEV LOOKS WORRIED CHANTELLE READS THE CARD

CHANTELLE

In loving memory to my dear wife may she rest in peace?

CHANTELLE SLAMS THE DOOR ON THEM AGAIN WHICH CHOPS THE FLOWERS OFF

KEV

Drat! Oh well never mind time for plan B

CHANTELLE COMES OUT OF HER ROOM CARRYING A CASE AND WALKS PAST THEM BOTH

KEV

Where are you going?

CHANTELLE

I'm leaving I'm going to stay with my sister

KEV

But you can?t

CHANTELLE

Can't!... you watch me we'll see how you manage without me shall we, move out of my way please?

CHANTELLE SLAMS THE FRONT DOOR

SHANE

She's gone what are we going to do now? We'll starve to death.

KEV

Shut up I'm thinking

SHANE

Whats plan B KEV?

KEV

Get on the phone and order a pizza

SHANE

Good thinking

SHANE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND STARTS TO DIAL KEV LOOKS ON

SHANE

Four extra large meat feast pizzas please?What no way

KEV

What is it?

SHANE

You better sit down

SHANE SPEAKS IN A BROKEN UPSET VOICE

SHANE

The pizza delivery vans broken down they cant deliver our pizza and do they know of any Emergency Break down companies

KEV BREAKS DOWN AND SOBS

SHANE

Well you know what they say it comes in threes

KEV

And how did you work that out Chantelle has left us the pizza vans broken down I make that two

SHANE

The batteries in the TV remote control have run out

KEV

Oh god what next

SHANE

Come on KEV you must be strong

THEN KEV BREAKS OUT OF HIS SOBBING AND STANDS TALL

KEV

There's only one thing for it lets go out and get totally Rat arsed!

SCENE 3:INT LIVING ROOM

SOMETIME LATER WE SEE KEV SNORING ON THE SOFA THERE ARE BEER CANS EVERYWHERE WE DON?T SEE SHANE. KEV WAKES UP YAWNING

KEV

Yawn! Shane! Have you cooked any breakfast yet?

SUDDENLY SHANE'S HEAD APPEARS FROM OUT OF THE MASS OF BEER CANS

SHANE

Owe? god that was one hell of a piss up. What time is it?

KEV LOOKS AT HIS WATCH

KEV

Err? Thursday

SHANE

Six days on the piss that?s got to be a record

KEV

Holy Hoover bags Shane look at the state of this place what we need is a woman around the here to clean this mess up

KEV PICKS UP THE PHONE

SHANE

Who are you calling?

KEV

Who do you think Chantelle to ask her to come back?

SHANE

She isn't going to come back just like that, she left us remember

KEV

Chantelle how are you? Its Kev here? err I?ve got a little emergency err I was wondering? Chantelle why are you crying?

WE NOW SEE CHANTELLE CRYING AT THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE

CHANTELLE

Oh its you I thought it might be Leonard he?s dumped me thanks to you

KEV PUTS HIS HAND OVER THE PHONE AND TURNS TO SMILE AT SHANE

KEV

That ponce Leonard's dumped her.

SHANE SMILES KEV IS BACK ON THE PHONE

KEV

Oh my god that?s awful

CHANTELLE

Thank you for caring it's nice to know who my real friends are have you missed me?

KEV

Yes! you want to see the mess Shanes made of this place you can?t come round we're out of beer and the house could do with a bit of clean up

CHANTELLE

What? You insensitive bastard!... Oh why don?t you just piss off

CHANTELLE SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN

SCENE 4 INT. CLEAN LIVING ROOM

CHANTELLE IS SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM READING A WOMANS OWN KEV WALKS IN WEARING A PINAFORE HOLDING A TRAY OF CREAM CAKES AND A POT OF TEA

KEV

I've brought you another cup of tea and a nice piece of chocolate cake

CHANTELLE

Good boy? before you do the dusting, wash this plate up, then do the laundry, cheers

KEV HAS A FEATHER DUSTER IN HIS HAND

KEV

Okey dokey

SUDDENLY KEV WAKES UP AND REALISES IT WAS A DREAM

KEV

Arrrgh!? Oh my god what a night mare? where the hells Shane

SCENE 5 INT. KITCHEN

KEV WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN HE SEES SHANE STANDING BY THE WASHING MACHINE IT IS SPINNING

KEV

Morning Shane you?re up early? shit the bed

SHANE

Yep! I'm just washing the sheets the smell was making my eyes water

KEV

Shane I had this terrible dream I dreamt? holy housework Shane what are you doing?

SHANE

Err? that vindaloo went straight through me, so I thought I'd

KEV

No I meant what the hell are you up to doing the washing that?s women's work I think you and me need a serious chat ?hold on I got this amazing idear

KEV PUTS HIS HAND ON SHANES SHOULDER

KEV

Why don?t you pretend you're Chantelle for a few days until she comes crawling back

SHANE

Why Me?

KEV

Why not, it's got its perks? You get to wear her lingerie

SHANE

It?s a deal

SHANE EXITS THE ROOM

KEV

Holy Pantyhose Shane that?s just given me another amazing idea? yes that'll work? brilliant Shane? Shane! Where's he got too?

SHANE RE-APPEARS WITH A RANGE OF CHANTELLE'S PANTIES

SHANE

What do you think the red or the blue?

SCENE 6 INT CHANTELLE'S SISTERS LIVING ROOM

CHANTELLE IS LAYING ON THE SOFA THE PHONE RINGS SHE ANSWERS IT

CHANTELLE

Hello oh its you

KEV

Hi Chantelle how are you?

CHANTELLE

I'm ok, oh did I tell you Leonard and me have made up we are back together again no thanks to you oh just a minute?

LEONARD APPEARS WEARING AN APRON HOLDING A TRAY WITH TEA AND CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS ON IT

CHANTELLE

Just put them down there sweetheart

CHANTELLE IS BACK ON THE PHONE

CHANTELLE

So what do you want?

KEV

When are you coming back?

CHANTELLE

Never in a million years, after the way you've treated Leonard and me find yourselves another slave of a flat mate

KEV STARTS TO CRY

KEV

Shane's left me!

CHANTELLE

Why what happened

KEV

He went all weird on me you know started doing housework and stuff

A VOICE COMES FROM THE BEDROOM

SHANE

Eh Kev help me clip this bra up will you

CHANTELLE

I thought you said he'd left you

KEV

She has I mean he has that was my girl friend Linda you heard just now

CHANTELLE

You mean you have girlfriend?

KEV

That?s right she's living with me now so I was wondering if you and Leonard would like to come around for few drinks and a meal to clear the air lets say around eight o'clock

CHANTELLE

Err go on then but this better not be one of your stupid jokes? we'll be there at eight

SCENE 6 INT. LIVING ROOM

KEV LOOKS OVER AT SHANE WHO'S JUST WALKED IN FROM THE BEDROOM DRESSED AS A WOMAN.

KEV

You know Shane if I didn't know you were a man I'd give you one.

SHANE

This idea of yours better work Kev I find dressing up like this very uncomfortable

KEV

I thought you liked wearing woman's clothes

SHANE

I do but this thong is cutting me in half though

KEV

Shane seeing as you? re dressed as a woman

SHANE

Yeah!

KEV

And with me being a man how about?

SHANE

No way forget it don?t even go there

KEV

Go where

SHANE

You know what I mean I?m not doing this to act out your fantasies piss off

KEV

Come on why not it'll only be a one off

SHANE

Get away from me you nonce

KEV

What's up with you it won't kill you to heat up a can of beans and slap it on a round of toast now will it?

SHANE

Oh I thought!

KEV

You thought what? Oh my god surely you didn't think I? I feel sick

SHANE

It was the way you were talking I thought you were coming on to me

KEV

Just go and make me some beans on toast

SHANE WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN BUT THEN POPS HIS HEAD ROUND THE DOOR

SHANE

So you don?t fancy me then?

KEV THROWS HALF A CAN OF BEER AT HIM

SCENE 7 INT. THE PARTY

KEV IS EATING BEANS

Right remember the plan, you're my new girlfriend Linda the minute Chantelle walks out of the room I want you to get off with Leonard? Chantelle catches you two at it and bingo she dumps Leonard on the spot and she comes back to live with us ok and we get to eat? by the way these beans are shit

KNOCK KNOCK

KEV

Right I'll get the door you come out the bedroom and I'll introduce you

KEV OPENS THE DOOR

KEV

Lenny, Chantelle baby come in ?mah! Mah!

CHANTELLE

His name's Leonard and before we step through this door I want you to apologise for the way you treated Leonard last week

KEV

Yeah sorry Lenny? Leonard old mate no hard feelings

CHANTELLE

So where's this new girlfriend ? I'm dying to meet her let me guess in the kitchen preparing dinner you don?t change do you Kev

KEV STOPS CHANTELLE FROM ENTERING THE KITCHEN

KEV

No she Isn't actually, I do all the cooking now in fact it?s me who's prepared tonight's meal now you make yourselves comfortable and I'll see what's taking him? her.

KEV CLEARS THE SOFA OF BEER CANS AND OLD PIZZA BOXES FOR CHANTELLE AND LEONARD TO SIT DOWN

KEV

Sit down make yourself at home I?ll see what?s keeping her

SCENE 8 INT. BEDROOM

KEV THEN ENTERS THE BEDROOM SHANE IS HALF DRESSED WEARING BRA AND UNDER SKIRT HE QUICKLY COVERS HIMSELF UP IN A PANIC

KEV

Aren't you ready yet? Come on get a move on

SHANE

Do you mind! do you always barge into a woman's room while she?s getting dressed?

KEV

What are you covering yourself up for you idiot? you're not a woman remember you're acting

SHANE

It's no good Kev? I can't do it I can't go through with it!

She?ll know it?s me I know she will

KEV

No she won't look in that mirror and what do you see?

SHANE

A sad transvestite forget it I'm not doing it

KEV

You've got to do it do you want Chantelle back or what?

SHANE

Yes but!

KEV

But what?

SHANE

Promise you won't laugh if I tell you

KEV

Cause not

SHANE

Promise

KEV

Promise

SHANE

I actually like wearing women's clothes and it scare's me

KEV STARTS TO LAUGH LOUDLY

SHANE

You promised you wouldn't laugh

KEV STOPS LAUGHING AND PUTS ON A SERIOUS

FACE

KEV

So!

SHANE

So does that make me gay?

KEV

No don?t be silly a little strange maybe anyway all blokes like

wearing women's clothes

SHANE

They do?

KEV

Of course I often wear women's garments underneath my clothes

SHANE

You know I do as well

KEV COUGHS

KEV

Only when Chantelle forgets to wash my underpants of course

SHANE

Of course me to

KEV

Well are you going to go through with this or what?

SHANE

No!

JUST THEN THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR

CHANTELLE

Is everything all right in there?

KEV

Yes we?ll be out in a second

KEV

Right Shane, get in bed

SHANE LOOKS AT KEV HE HAS A WORRIED

LOOK ON HIS FACE

SHANE

Why what are you going to do to me?

KEV IS PULLING SHANE BY THE ARM

KEV

Get in bed

SHANE

Get away from me you weirdo

KEV

I'm not going to do anything to you? I'm going to tell Chantelle you've got a headache? and you don?t feel to well.

SHANE

And then what?

KEV

Don?t worry I've got an idea that might just work? all I have to do is get Lenny boy on is own.

SCENE 9 INT. LIVING ROOM

CHANTELLE

Is she ok in there? Is there anything I can do?

KEV

She's got a really bad headache err? you couldn't nip down the shop could you?

CHANTELLE

I suppose so what does she need pain killers

KEV

No I want you to get us a dozen cans of larger we're completely out? oh yeah good idea some pain killers I think I've got an headache coming on you better get two packets, a packet for Linda as well.

CHANTELLE PUTS HER HAND OUT FOR SOME MONEY

KEV

What? Oh yeah

KEV REACHES INTO HIS POCKETS THEY'RE

EMPTY

KEV

Would you believe it?? I spent the last money I had on the meal I've prepared.

CHANTELLE

Oh it doesn't matter I've got some money

LEONARD

Do you want me to go with you dear?

KEV

No! I mean you stay here Leonard it will give us chance to get to know each other better

LEONARD

Are you sure?

KEV

Yes she's sure, now run along Chantelle, Leonard you can help me serve up that dinner.

CHANTELLE EXITS

KEV NOW STANDS NERVOUSLY OVER LEONARD WHO IS READING THE PAPER. HE THEN SITS DOWN AND STARES AT LEONARD WHO LOOKS BACK AT KEV.

LEONARD

Is there something a matter? Have you got a problem?

KEV

No? I was err thinking about how lucky you are having a girl like Chantelle

LEONARD

Put it this way I think she's better off with me than living with you two losers.

KEV

I'm sure she is

PAUSE

LEONARD

And she'll have anything she wants

KEV

Now hold on a minute Lenny boy we gave Chantelle everything that she ever wanted while she lived under this roof

LEONARD

Oh yeah like what?

KEV

Like err? a washing machine, new cooker, iron, Hoover need I go on

LEONARD

You just don?t understand do you?

KEV

Phew! Can you smell that? Oh my god that?s the dinner burning.

KEV DISAPPEARS INTO THE KITCHEN LEONARD

SMILES AND NODS HIS HEAD

KEV

Leonard, give me a hand in the kitchen will you

LEONARD GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN WHERE KEV IS WAITING FOR HIM TO HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH AN EMPTY SAUCEPAN

FX BANG

KEV GOES RUNNING OUT OF THE KITCHEN TOWARDS THE BEDROOM WHERE HE MEETS SHANE AT THE BEDROOM DOOR.

KEV

I've done it

SHANE

Done what?

KEV

Quick give me a hand with the body

SHANE

Kev what have you done?

WE NOW HEAR THEIR VOICES ONLY COMING FROM

THE KITCHEN

SHANE

My god Kev, what have you done?

KEV

Its ok I'll buy a new frying pan it?s only a small bent its not the end of the world

SHANE

No Leonard, what have you done to Leonard he's not dead is he?

KEV

No he's just sleeping quick give me a hand before Chantelle comes back

THEY ARE NOW CARRYING HIM OUT OF THE KITCHEN

THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM WE NOW SEE THEM

SHANE HAS HIS HEAD KEV HIS FEET

SHANE

So what happens now Kev?

KEV

Simple we put him in bed with you and when Chantelle comes back she catches you simulating sex with him

SHANE DROPS LEONARD THE HEAD END ON THE FLOOR WITH A LOUD BUMP

SHANE

Now just a minute here what do you mean by simulating sex?

KEV

Simulating, acting, making it look as though you're having sex with him so Chantelle thinks he's unfaithful

SHANE

Why can't you do it?

KEV

Because I'm not dressed as a woman you are?

SHANE LOOKS CONFUSED

SHANE

But I'm not a woman I'm a man how can I have sex with him if I'm a man.

KEV

Shane shut up just grab hold of him Chantelle will be back any second

SCENE TEN INT.B

Comedy Type: Script Length: Post date:

Copyright Statement



Comments

   

Submitted by Trisha (not verified) on Sun, 04/03/2011 - 08:18
This is a really great script. You are a fantastic writer. I enjoyed reading it.

30-60m Sitcoms/Stage Plays - FLAT MATES