The Urn, An Eddie Hoar and Derwood Doller Caper
by Jed Power
Based on characters from the eight-book Dan Marlowe/ Hampton Beach, NH, Crime Series by Jed Power
Name Jed Power
Email firstname.lastname@example.org Phone Number (978) 979-2371
EXT. OCEAN BOULEVARD, HAMPTON BEACH - DAY
Two men, both 30-ish, are seated on a bench in front of the Seashell Entertainment Stage. Eddie Hoar is a skinny crook with a grin to match and greasy hair. He is wearing bright, out-of-date, disco-era clothes. Derwood Doller, his partner in crime, is a large, slow-witted- looking man with a bowl haircut, wearing cutoff faded jeans shorts that are too tight around his ample thighs. His gray sweatshirt, emblazoned with the word “Harvard” on the front, has the arms chopped off at the elbows. For full-time beach residents, they both have unusually pale skin.
DERWOOD DOLLER (shakes his head)
I don’t know, Eddie. That’s pretty low...even for you.
EDDIE HOAR (looks at Derwood and scowls)
Whattya mean, low even for me? Ain’t nothing low about it. Business is all it is.
But stealin’ an old lady’s dead
husband’s ashes? Jeez, we could get jinxed doin’ somethin’ like that. And we got enough bad luck as it is.
Don’t be so negative, Dumwood.
This is easy dough.
I told you not to call me that,
Eddie...you know I don’t like it.
Derwood grabs Eddie in a headlock and with his free hand gives Eddie a hard knuckle noogie on his head.
Can’t ya take a joke?
DERWOOD Not from you, Eddie.
damn short leash with
Eddie gently pushes Derwood’s hand from his head.
I’m on a you.
Now stop fuckin’ around and let me
tell ya more about this. I’m tellin’ ya, Dum...ahh, ahhh...Derwood, this is gonna be easy money. I was at the High Tide having a beer and this plumber got talkin’ about an old hag he did work for.
I thought you was banned from the
Tide for boltin’ on a check?
EDDIE (turning red)
That was a misunderstanding. Besides, the owner is on vacation or something, so she wasn’t there.
Ya, okay, Eddie. So what’d the
plumber tell you, or did he just show you his plumber’s crack?
Very funny. This is serious shit.
The lady is a little demented or somethin’ and she keeps her husband’s ashes in an expensive urn on the mantlepiece and treats it like a little shrine.
What’s a mantlepiece and an urn,
That’s the thing above a fireplace
where old people put pictures and dead people’s ashes in what they call urns, and this one is real fancy and probably worth dough even without the ashes. So...we can’t lose. Even if the old hag is glad to be rid of her husband and won’t pay to get him back, we can still pawn the freakin’ urn.
I don’t know, Eddie. Screwin’
around with dead people? I don’t like it.
Well, how would you like sleepin’
on the beach? If we don’t get some rent money, that’s where we’ll be.
I wouldn’t like that, Eddie. It’s
cold down there, but at least I wouldn’t have to smell your farts like I do now in our little bedroom. They’re disgustin’ and burn my nose.
I’m tellin’ ya, this will be an
easy score. Have I ever steered you wrong?
DERWOOD (looking surprised)
Well, there was that time at the Arcade with the slugs you said wouldn’t jam the machines...um, and that time at the parking lot we took over and you said the boss was out of town...oh, then there was...
Forget that stuff. I was just
startin’ my career then. I’m in my prime now. This’ll be as easy as pie. You’re such a downer, I don’t know why I let you hang around with me.
‘Cause no one else will come near
you, Eddie, that’s why. You screw everybody.
Now just shut up. I’m gonna tell
you what we’re gonna do.
DERWOOD Oh boy, here we go.
EXT. SIDE OF COTTAGE ON THE SAND - NIGHT
Eddie and Derwood are crouched below the side window of a cottage on the sand of Hampton Beach. Both men are peering around nervously.
You sure no one’s here, Eddie?
I told you, the plumber said she stays off the beach at her kid’s place all weekend.
Eddie pulls on gloves and Derwood pulls a woolen cap down low on his big head.
I hope you’re right for once,
Clam up, Dunce. You don’t see any
lights on, do you?
No lights makes it worse. I don’t
like foolin’ around with dead people. It’s askin’ for trouble.
Put a sock in it, will ya? It’s
just ashes. Pretend it’s just a big ashtray. See if we gotta jimmy the window.
Derwood stretches to his full height and slides the window open a few inches.
Good. Now get in there and see
what you see.
DERWOOD (voice shaking)
I don’t wanna go first, Eddie. You go. You’re always makin’ me go first. Besides, I can’t get high enough to boost myself in.
Eddie drops to all fours on the sand.
Get on my back and get up there
Derwood puts one foot on Eddie’s back and with a grunt brings his other foot and all his weight onto Eddie’s back. Eddie howls and collapses on the sand like a cheap beach chair.
Get off me, you big lummox.
You’re crushing me.
Eddie and Derwood untangle themselves from each other and stand.
I guess you’re gonna have to go first after all, Eddie.
You’re thinkin’ of that when you
coulda killed me. I couldn’t breathe, asshole. Get on your knees.
Derwood gets down on all fours and skinny Eddie hops on his back. No problems this time. Within seconds Eddie has the window open all the way. He climbs inside and sticks his head back out and lowers his hand down toward Derwood.
Jump and grab my hand. I’ll pull
Everything okay in there, Eddie?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in here,
Derwood jumps high as Eddie pulls his arm. A minute later the big man is inside, standing beside Eddie.
INT. FRONT ROOM OF COTTAGE - NIGHT
Eddie has a flashlight on and is splaying the beam around the room. It is a dated living room--sofa, two stuffed chairs and a table with a lamp. Eddie stops the beam on the mantlepiece above a fireplace and directly on to an ornate urn.
There it is. Just like I told ya. Take it down.
I don’t know, Eddie, I got the
I’ll creep you. Get it down, will
ya? I’m holding the flashlight. I can’t do everything.
Both men walk to the fireplace. Derwood puts both hands on the urn and grunts. He starts shaking.
Jesus, what’s the matter now? Is
I can’t move it. It’s stuck.
There are loud scratching noises.
Whattaya mean stuck? And stop
scratching at it. You’ll ruin my merchandise.
DERWOOD (Looking around nervously)
I ain’t scratching anything.
Twist it around. Maybe the old
bag glued it on.
If she did, she used Superglue.
Derwood turns, looks toward Eddie, his eyes bulging. (CONTINUED)
EDDIE What’s the matter now?
Derwood pointing behind Eddie.
DERWOOD Be...be...behind you.
Eddie turns and the flashlight’s beam falls on the face of an ugly and none to friendly-looking dog, who is pawing at the floor and then begins to growl.
Eddie holds up his free hand, palm toward the animal.
EDDIE (VOICE SHAKING) Easy, boy, easy.
The dog growls more and flashes his teeth as Derwood begins to edge slowly toward the window. Suddenly he makes a dash for it.
The window, Eddie, the window.
I’m gettin’ outta here.
Outta my way! I’m goin’ first. I
came in first, I should leave first..
Eddie collides into Derwood trying to get by him. He shoves Derwood out of his way and heads for the window. He drops the flashlight and, in the dark, all hell breaks loose. The men scream, furniture and lamps tumble over, glass breaks, the dog barks and then the gnashing of teeth. Derwood makes it to the window first and piles out. Behind him there are more screams, along with a cacophony of noises.
INT. KITCHEN OF A SMALL, DUMPY STUDIO APARTMENT ON OCEAN BOULEVARD - DAY
Eddie and Derwood are seated on plastic-covered chairs around a formica table. Eddie also has a rubber donut under his ass. He has on grayish BVDs that bag around his scrawny thighs. His arms and legs are covered with gauze and tape. Derwood only has a few small bandages here and there on his body.
Derwood points at the donut under Eddie’s ass and smirks. Eddie scowls.
You outta be happy, Eddie. The
doc said if that mutt took a bigger piece of your ass, you woulda needed a new one.
Eddie shifts in his seat and grimaces.
Very funny. You and that quack up
at Exeter Hospital are regular comedians...not! If youda let me out that window first, like I told you to, none of this woulda happened to me.
But then it woulda happened to me,
Eddie. I’d be sittin’ on that whatchamacallit. It was all your fault, after all. Always is. You and your crackpot ideas.
My fault? How was I supposed to
know she had Cujo for a pet?
I just thought of somethin’. You
didn’t know that plumber before you met him in the bar, did ya?
How do I know? I’ve met almost
everyone on the beach at one time or another. I’m well known around here.
DERWOOD Yeah...a well known ripoff.
You’ve burned almost everyone on the beach. Did you owe this plumber any money?
Maybe a little from a long time
ago and I musta paid him back.
Sure you did. Just like you have
everyone else you’ve owed money to around here. That’s why we can barely show our faces on the beach without getting our asses kicked. And now I get it! That plumber knew about the dog. He set you up! I mean...us up.
Stop bellyaching, will ya? It
coulda been worse. You coulda gotten busted.
There is a loud banging at the door and both men look towards it.
VO (LOUDLY) Hampton Police. Open up now,
Hoar! We know you’re in there.
Wow, Eddie, there’s one thing
you’re sure good at.
EDDIE What’s that?
Gettin’ us into a jackpot. Every
time you get us screwed. You’re the best at that. Battin’ a thousand.
EDDIE Fuck you, Dumwood.
Derwood hollers and comes across the table, his hands going for Eddie’s neck. Eddie howls just as the door crashes open and a few of Hampton Beach’s finest storm into the room.