Bums on Seats

Bums on Seats

(10-30m)   by WARDI
 

Sitcoms/Stage Plays   (42166 Views 4 Comments)

BUMS ON SEATS

BY

CLIVE WARD

Running time 15 minutes

Clive Ward
14 Melton ave
Littleover
Derby
Tel 01332760765

Synopsis
Baz works as a fork lift driver at ?Golden Roll? a toilet roll manufacturers, he?s been there six months, an all time record. Always struggling to pay the bills in a recession Redundancies are looming something happens to Baz that changes his life forever.

The opening credits are written on an unravelling toilet roll.

THE FANSHAWS

BAZ male mid forties, fat Elvis Look-alike!!!
IRIS female mid forties aging dizzy blonde
SHANE male early twenty?s scruffy
CHANTELLE female late teens dippy

OTHERS

DEBT COLLECTOR

LOCATIONS

INT. The living room
INT. The kitchen

SCENE 1 INT THE FANSHAWS LIVING ROOM

The whole room is cheap and nasty stained loud sofa, wood-effect plastic dining table with a gaudy tablecloth (covered in oil). Above the fireplace is a giant painting of an aging Elvis in full Las Vegas gear
A big pyramid of toilet rolls is stacked up behind the TV, but there are also loads of rolls strewn all over the floor even in the fridge!

IRIS IS READING A TRAVEL BROCHURE, CHANTELE IS CLENSING HER SKIN (FACE) IN A HAND MIRROR SHANE IS CLEANING STRIPPED DOWN MOTORBIKE AND CAR PARTS ON THE DINING TABLE

IRIS; Will you get that motorbike junk off my dining room table; your dad will be home in a minute. Why can?t you do that in the garden?

CHANT?S: Yeah, we?ve got to eat our dinner off that table.

SHANE: Why, have we run out of plates?

CHANT?SVery funny Shane ? it?s about time you went out and found a job.

SHANE

I?ve got a job? I make old motorbikes into new motorbikes.

CHANTELLE

No you don?t? you steal motorbikes, strip them down and turn them into pieces of junk that aren't even good enough for the scrapheap.

SHANE

And you get a boyfriend one day, strip him of all his cash, and then dump him on the scrap heap with the rest of them? I don?t know what the blokes see in you.

CHANTELE ADMIRES HERSELF IN THE MIRROR

CHANTELE

They see someone who is beautiful, and has a great personality.

SHANE

Or maybe, they see a smiling chicken with a small egg.

CHANTELE

A what?

SHANE GRINNING

An easy lay.

CHANTELE

Mum tell him

IRIS

Shane, less of it. You don?t talk to your sister like that.

CHANTELLE

Yeah? When was the last time you had a girlfriend?

SHANE

You?ve made me go wrong now!!

CHANTELE

?Touched a nerve, have I?

SHANE

I?m waiting for the right girl to come along. Until then, I?ll make do with my bikes.

CHANTELE

A bike? that?s about all you're likely to get your leg over.

SHANE

At least I haven?t got everyone calling me a bike.

IRIS

Will you two pack it in, you?re behaving like a couple of kids.

CHANTELE GROPES AMONGST THE CLUTTER ON THE TABLE, TAKES A JAR AND BEGINS APPLYING THE CONTENTS TO HER FACE.

LONG PAUSE

SHANE

Chants?

CHANTELE

What?

SHANE

Why are you putting my grease on your face?

CHANTELE

ARGH!!? I thought it was my moisturiser

BAZ ENTERS THE ROOM, SHANE IS ROLLING AROUND LAUGHING, IRIS SMILES

BAZ

Evening all

CHANTELLE

Hi dad? will you tell Shane to?

BAZ LOOK?S AT CHANTELE

BAZ

Scary, what happened to you?

CHANTELE

It?s Shane?s bike grease.

SHANE

It?s the recession dad, have you seen the price face cream

CHANTELLE IS ANGRY

CHANTELE

You?re just as bad as him. Mum, tell them. Mum, this isn?t coming off.

SHANE

Good, I hope it sets.

BAZ

Try using some of Shane?s de-greaser, that?ll shift anything'. What?s for tea, I?m starving?

IRIS

Roasted exhaust pipe, followed by, petrol tank surprise with lashings of oil, just not of the olive variety.

SHANE

Thank God for that. For a moment there, I thought we had to put up with mum?s cooking.

IRIS

You?re asking for a clipped ear sonny.

BAZ TAPS SHANE ON THE SHOULDER A IS POINTING

BAZ

Yes you, why are their lumps of scrap metal all over my drive? I want them moved, now, it?s like the Iraqi desert after Desert Storm out there.

NO RESPONSE

BAZ

Shane are you listening to me? If you don?t move them, I?ll move them for you? down the scrap yard, and the money I get for them, can go towards the food and board you should be paying me. I?m bloody sick of your bits of cars and motor bikes all around the house.

CHANTELLE

And me.

SHANE

Oh yeah! What about all that Elvis junk?

IRIS AND CHANTELE TAKE IN A BREATH

BAZ

You what?

SHANE

All that lots good for is a car boot sale. Look at it, it?s tacky and sad I can?t go anywhere in this house without Elvis starring me in the face.

IRIS

Don?t start him off Shane.

BAZ

Don?t you talk about the king like that?

BAZ NOW STANDS UP, WALKS OVER TO THE SIDE BOARD AND PICKS UP ONE OF HIS SOUVENIRS AND PUTS IT CLOSE TO SHANE?S FACE

BAZ

You see this boy? YOU SEE THIS? genuine Elvis handkerchief. I can still smell the King?s sweat on it ?Priceless.

BAZ TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND SNIFFS, SHANE TURNS AND SNEEZES ON IT.

BAZ

Be more bloody careful you disrespectful little shit! It?s worth a fortune

BAZ PICKS UP MORE ELVIS STUFF

BAZ

Framed picture of Elvis, with original autograph, limited edition.. Priceless

SHANE LOOKS AT IT SMURKING ARME FOLDED

SHANE

I?ve seen loads of them down the car boot.
In fact, every stall has to have one, It?s mandatory, along with curling tongues and hair straightener?s. or you wont get in

BAZ

And my pride and joy ?.A pair of genuine Elvis?s Y fronts, the actual ones he wore on the night he died.

BAZ LOVINGLY PUTS THEM NEXT TO HIS FACE

SHANE

Bollocks who told you that?

BAZ

They are I?ve got the paperwork to prove it

SHANE

Bloody hell, you didn?t hang about. It?s a wonder you didn?t get arrested. Was he still warm when you took them off him?

BAZ HOLDS UP A STEERING WHEEL AND HANDLE BARS

BAZ

It?s worth a lot more than these lumps of metal.

SHANE

Watch what you?re doing That steering wheel you?re holding is the actual steering wheel from the car James Dean crashed in.

BAZ LOOKS CONFUSED, THEN REALISES SHANE'S WINDING HIM UP

SHANE

You see, you're not the only one who can talk out of your exhaust pipe.

BAZ

Go and shift that junk now.

SHANE

Okay? okay, I?m going. Before you show us the condom Elvis used for his first leg over.

SHANE WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM

BAZ

Kids nowadays, they?ve got no respect. They have it too easy?they expect everything on a plate?well, where?s me tea? I could eat a horse.

IRIS IS STILL READING A TRAVEL BROCHURE

IRIS

There is none?! I haven?t got anything in.

BAZ

Why not? do you realize how hard I work and what happened to that house keeping money I gave you last week?

IRIS

I paid a bill with it.

BAZ

What did you go and do that for, you silly cow? Putting food on the table is more important than a poxy bill. What bill was it anyway?

IRIS LOOKS ANGRY

IRIS

Your Elvis Presley Fan Club fees!.

BAZ

Oh, that?s different then.

IRIS

Eh Baz, have you seen this, 7 days self catering in Tossa for ?159, that?s not bad is it? Or?

BAZ CHANGES HIS TONE AND SOUNDS SAD

BAZ

Iris, I?ve got something to tell you.

IRIS

14 days in Majorca for ?199, that?s not bad is it?

BAZ

You?re not gonna want to hear this.

IRIS

Or?

BAZ RAISES HIS VOICE

BAZ

Will you put that brochure down? I?m trying to tell you something.

IRIS

What?

BAZ

I can?t afford to go on holiday this year.

IRIS

Can?t you dear? Oh that?s a pity. Chantelle and me will have to go on our own.

IRIS AND CHANTELLE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE

BAZ (ANGRY)

This is no time for jokes Iris.

IRIS

Why what?s up?

BAZ

It looks like I?ll be looking for a new job come tomorrow. The boss wants to see me in the morning.

IRIS

Not again Baz? what have you done this time? You haven?t been drawing willies with faces like the boss on the toilet wall again?

BAZ

No of course not and anyway someone else added the faces.

CHANTELLE

So why do they want to see you Dad?

BAZ

They?re going to lay me off

IRIS

Why? You?ve only been there 6 months

BAZ

First in first out that?s the way things are nowadays They?re just not selling as many bog rolls as they used to. A national outbreak of diarrhoea that would put bums on seats!

BAZ

No it looks like I?m about to join the unemployed ?I?ll never find another job at my age.

BAZ GETS UP AND LOOKS DOWN AT THE TABLE

BAZ

I?ll kill him, where is he?

BAZ WALK?S TOWARDS THE DOOR

CHANTELLE

What?s the matter, what?s Shane done now?

IRIS

He?s only used one of your dads Elvis?s bath towels as a cleaning rag.

SHANE WALKS IN

SHANE

Debt collectors outside

BAZ

Shit Iris Rotweilers now

FX THE DOOR BELL RINGS

IRIS PRESSES THE CD BUTTON

FX CD SAVAGE DOGS BARKING

FX THE DOOR BELL RINGS

BAZ IS LOOKING THROUGHN THE WINDOW BEHIND THE CURTAIN

BAZ

Has he gone?!

BAZ OPENS THE DOOR TO THE DEBT COLLECTOR

BAZ

Chantelle it?s for you! I think it?s your pimp and drug dealer! What do you want?

DEBT COLLECTOR

I?ve come to take back the three-piece suite, hi -fi and television. You haven?t kept up the repayments, have you Mr Fanshaw?

BAZ

Not now. Can?t you come back later? I?m just about to have my dinner.

DEBT COLLECTOR

Oh, I?ve come to take the cooker away as well? mmm smells good what is it?

BAZ

Dog food curry, want some?

BAZ TRIES TO SHUT THE DOOR BUT HE HIS THEIR FEET IN IT

BAZ

This is private property; sling your hook, before I call the police.

DEBT COLLECTOR

No, this is council property Mr Fanshaw, and you are also eight weeks in arrears with your rent. I?m ringing this door bell every other night of the week for one debt or another.

BAZ

Just hold on there a minute, will you

BAZ GOES BACK INDOORS LEAVES THE DOOR SLIGHTLY AJAR AND FACES IRIS, THEY WHISPER

IRIS

Baz, I was going to tell you, but the bills kept mounting up.

BAZ

I didn?t think things were that bad, haven?t we got any money at all?

IRIS

No, not Monday, but that?s spoken for? Monday nights bingo nights remember?

BAZ

Sorry but we haven?t got any money, we?re flat broke.

DEBT COLLECTOR

That?s not good enough Mr Fanshaw. If you can?t pay me tomorrow I?ll have to take action to repossess your goods and I have no doubt the council will be serving you with an eviction order

BAZ

Listen I?ll have the money for you in a few days, honest? you know how it is, it?s the wife?s birthday tomorrow and I want to buy her something special.

DEBT COLLECTOR

Okay, but this is your last chance. I?ll be back the same time tomorrow oh and don?t bother with Rottweiler tapes anymore its wearing a bit thin?

BAZ SHUTS THE DOOR BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM

CHANTELLE

They?ll be back, and then what are we going to do?

BAZ

I?ll pay them off, tomorrow

IRIS

What with?

BAZ

With one of Shane?s old motorbikes.

SHANE

What?

BAZ

Calm down son it was joke Right, I?m off round my mums, to see if she?ll borrow me some money until payday.

BAZ IS WALKING TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR IRIS RUNS AFTER HIM

IRIS

Wait? Baz if she gives you any money, have a fiver on the lottery usual numbers!!.

BAZ

If I remember.

SCENE .2. THE LATER LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN

IRIS IS WASHING THE POTS WHILE LISTENING TO THE RADIO

Iris is blankly looking out of the kitchen window

FX. THE SOUND OF THE RADIO

? That was the weather forecast and if you missed last nights national lottery draw, the numbers were 5 11 14 22 36 39 and the bonus number was 2. Indications are, there are three lucky jackpot winners, each winning a total of 5.3 million pounds each.

CHANTELLE AND SHANE ARE IN THE FRONT ROOM WHEN THEY HEAR THEIR MUM DROP A LOAD OF PLATES

FX. CRASH

IRIS

They?re our numbers. Quick find your dad?s jeans. The ones he was wearing last night. If he put our the lottery numbers on like I asked him to, we?ve won?. we?re rich quick quick.

CHANTELLE FINDS THEM AND PICKS THEM UP WITH THE HOOK OF A COATHANGER

CHANTELE

Stop shaking Mum you mean these ones?

IRIS

That?s them. Look in the pockets. Come on Baz, don?t let me down, please.

CHANTELE

You can sod off. I?m not touching dad?s trousers! Not even for a million quid.

SHANE HOLDS UP THE LOITTERY TICKET

Is this it?

IRIS

Where was that?

SHANE

In his jacket pocket with his condoms? only joking.

IRIS

I wouldn?t care if a pair of someone else?s knickers was in there, as long as that?s the winning ticket you?ve got in your hand.

SHANE WITH HIS BACK TO HIS MUM PULLS OUT A PAIR OF KNICKERS HE SMILES

IRIS TAKES THE TICKET OFF SHANE SHE AS TO SIT DOWN

Oh my God? oh my God? We?re rich, quick, I?ve got to phone your dad at work.

IRIS PICKS UP HER MOBILE

IRIS

This is Mrs Gibson ? can I speak to my husband Baz please? What? ?Not in works time company policy?.

IRIS

Well, can you give him a message? Can you tell him we?ve won 5 million pounds on the Lottery and tell him to tell his boss to shove his job right up his?goodbye

IRIS IS FANING HERSELF WITH THE TICKET

Ha, that told him?I can?t believe it, ?I?m still in shock five million, I?ll be able to do all the things I?ve always wanted to do, like go to Las Vegas, buy a villa in Spain.

CHANTELLE

I know what dad will want to do, go to visit Elvis?s grave in Graceland?s.

SHANE

I can?t think of any thing sadder than that.

CHANTELLE

Oh yeah, what?re you going to do then Shane?

SHANE

Me. I think I?ll buy my own scrap yard.

IRIS

Buy this house off the council then.

SHANE TAKES THE TICKET OFF IRIS AND EXAMINES IT

SHANE

Hold on a minute? this is last Saturday?s ticket, look at the date.

IRIS

You?re joking, tell me you?re joking.

CHANTELLE

I knew it was too good to be true.

SHANE HANDS THE TICKET BACK TO IRIS

SHANE

Dream on mum, I can?t wait to see dad?s face when you tell him we haven?t won a bean. This is going to be fun.

IRIS

Oh my God. He?ll be home in a minute. What am I going to tell him? Sorry Baz dear, it was a wind up, we?re still flat broke, after he?s just told his boss to shove his job, he?s going to go ballistic.

CHANTELLE

I?ve got a one pound scratch card winner. You could tell him you were wrong, we haven?t won as much as you thought

SCENE .3. THE LATER LIVING ROOM

Everyone is sat around dumbstruck and miserable Chantelle looks like she?s on the verge of tears.
When Baz arrives they all look up at him like they?ve just shot his grandmother. He however has a mile-wide grin on his face. There is a long tract of silence that is finally broken by Shane burping loudly and Chantelle almost simultaneously starting to cry.

CHANTELLE AND SHANE GET UP TO LEAVE THE ROOM

CHANTELLE

I?m off upstairs to do my homework.

SHANE

I?m off to check on my allotment in the attic.

IRIS

No you don?t, you stay in here, I need protection.

BAZ

I?m in the money? I?m in the money? what?s everyone looking so glum about?

BAZ THEN GIVES OUT PRESENTS TO EVERY ONE. THEY ARE STILL LOOKING GLUM FACED

BAZ

For Shane a new tool kit.

SHANE

Cheers dad.

BAZ

And for Chants a new hair dryer.

CHANTELLE

Wow, thanks dad.

BAZ

And for my wonderful, lovely, adorable, wife box of her favourite chocolates and?

IRIS

Before you say anything else Baz, sit down, I?ve got something to tell you.

BAZ

I?ve got something to tell you.

IRIS

No, I?ve got something to tell you.

BAZ HAS NOW GOT HIS ARM ROUND HER

BAZ

No Iris I?ve got something to tell you.

IRIS

No, I?ve got something to tell you.

SHANE

For crying out loud tell each other will yer

BAZ

I?ve gone and booked you and me on a two week cruise in the Med.

IRIS PUTS HER HEAD IN HER, HANDS SHANE STARTS GIGGLING

BAZ

Okay, out with it, what?s up?

IRIS

Baz love? I don?t know how to say this. We haven?t won the lottery after all.

BAZ

Haven?t we, oh well, never mind, there?s always next week.

IRIS, SHANE AND CHANTELLE ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER CONFUSED

IRIS

You?re not bothered?

BAZ

No! Eh guess what, you?ll never believe this, I?ve been promoted.

SHANE

Well done dad, does that mean you?ll be putting the holes in the middle of the toilet rolls now?

BAZ

You?re now looking at the new Production Manager of Golden Roll, and here was me thinking I was going to be sacked?I was sitting in his office just then out of the blue he changed his mind he even asked me if I wanted become a partner in his business

IRIS

Was that after he just put the phone down?

BAZ

In fact yes some one did ring?.come on, you should all be happy? this will change our lives.

CHANTELLE

Well done daddy, I knew you were the brains of the family.

IRIS STILL AS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS

BAZ

Right, that?s it, I?m not sitting around looking at your glum faces all night, I?m off down the pub to celebrate?

BAZ

I?ll go then okay?

BAZ LEAVES THE ROOM, THERE IS SILENCE

BAZ IS BACK WITH A LOTTERY TICKET IN HIS HAND

BAZ

By the way, does anybody know last night?s lottery numbers?

THEY ALL LOOK BLANKLY AT EACH OTHER, THEN REALISE THEY HAVE WON THE LOTTERY AFTER ALL AND GO CRAZY BAZ STANDS THERE WITH A DUMB LOOK ON HIS FACE

THE END?

SYNOPSES OF FUTURE EPISODES

EPISODE 2 MOVING IN

Baz buys a house next door to Charles the owner of Golden Roll, he calls it Graceland?s?but spells Graceland?s wrong? Baz invites Charles and family to his house warming party? Charles feels obliged to go even though he hates Baz and his lower class family. But saving his business is all that?s on his mind.
And Baz and his money is the key.

Charles turns up in a tuxedo and looks well out of place, there are Elvis look-alikes everywhere. The episode ends when the next day Charles is arrested for drink driving and theft of Baz?s new pink Cadillac.

EPISODE 3 THE NEW SHARE HOLDER

Charles offers Baz a share of his business for a price, but Baz is not interested, he just want?s to carry on doing his old forklift job, even though he doesn?t have to work for the rest of his life. Baz misses his mates to much.
This frustrates Charles knowing Baz has got all that money and he?s to tight to part with it. Charles and his son then plan to set fire to the factory so they can claim on the insurance, but unknowingly Baz saves the factory from being gutted, ends up in hospital and is a hero.

EPISODE 4 YOU ARE FIRED

The headlines in the local paper read (LOCAL HERO SAVES FACTORY FROM INFERNO)? Charles is fuming his plan failed, but the sales of his toilet rolls go crazy in the publicity? Charles doesn?t need Baz?s money any more so he finds some petty excuse to sack him, but then realises he?s made a big mistake when the headlines in the local read LOCAL HERO SACKED SHOCKER, suddenly sales plummet when customers boycott their product. Baz gets re- instated

EPISODE 5 THE JAPANESE TAKE OVER

A Japanese toilet roll company is interested in buying Golden Roll
Charles and son are all excited preparing for the visit, but there?s only one problem. Baz knows that if the Japs do take over, they?ll be job cuts.
So when the they visit, he tries his hardest to put them off. Charles tells his work force if one of the Japanese speak to you, you must bow and he will bow back, but Baz has other idea?s. In the end the Jap?s decide against buying Golden Roll.

EPISODE 6 THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY

Charles?s worries are over. Baz becomes a shareholder only because his son Shane is planning to marry Michele, Charles?s daughter, which he doesn?t agree with as he doesn?t want Baz?s son as a son in law. But if this means his business is saved, so be it. The main thing on his mind now is the embarrassment of the engagement party.

Comedy Type: Script Length: Post date: Script Market:
Commercial

Author's Message

Bums on seats is a short 15 minute version of All that Glitters I posted a few years ago please leave any comments good or bad

Copyright Statement



Comments

   

Submitted by hanmij (not verified) on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 11:24
its......funny
Submitted by Bill Wilkinson on Mon, 06/11/2012 - 22:43
Bums on Seats is just one good belly laugh after another. It has left me wanting to know more about the Fanshaws and noticed there are other episodes available....Clive how do I get to read the remaining scripts? They are comedy gems.....
Submitted by Ron (not verified) on Sun, 01/06/2013 - 22:23
Hi Clive, How do I get permission to use your script? I love the story so much.
Submitted by Limnesh (not verified) on Sun, 04/21/2013 - 17:09
Hi Clive, Its an excellent script. I would like to get ur permission to use it for our drama for a family get-together with some modifications (Adding some Indian touch). We will add the credits. Thanks...

10-30m Sitcoms/Stage Plays - Bums on Seats