The Negotiator

The Negotiator

(30-60m)   by Anonymous
 

Sitcoms/Stage Plays   (26831 Views 6 Comments)

The Negotiator

by Cindy Mackey

Copyright ? Cindy Mackey, 2010

 

Cast of Characters

Herman..............Tourist in his sixties

Wiz.................Tourist in his thirties

Lily................Headstrong Hawaiian woman.

Freddy..............Hawaiian man in his thirties. Scattered.

Duke................Muscular, vain Hawaiian man with very pale

skin. Looks White.

Kimo................Hawaiian Man?feminine. Creepy manner.

 Glossary:  "Haole" basically is used to describe a "White person."

   

Act I

SCENE 1: SCENE OPENS TO THE FRONT OF IOLANI PALACE IN

HONOLULU, HAWAII. HERMAN AND EDDIE, ?THE WIZ? ARE SITTING ON

THE STEPS, HAVING A HAWAIIAN PLATE FROM THE LUNCH WAGON.

 

HERMAN

What do you think?

WIZ

About what?

HERMAN

About what! About the food!

WIZ

It?s O.K., it?s O.K. The taste is good, but I wish

everything wasn?t so...mushy.

HERMAN

Yeah. I can see that.

WIZ

What?s in this green shit, anyway?

HERMAN

I think maybe it?s chicken. (takes a bite and chews) It?s

chicken.

WIZ

You sure?

HERMAN

Yeah. It?s chicken.

WIZ

I don?t know...everything tastes like chicken. Rabbits taste

like chicken, quail tastes like chicken...even frogs tastes

like chicken. Maybe it?s not chicken.

HERMAN

It?s chicken.

WIZ

It don?t...look like chicken.

HERMAN

I?m telling you, it?s chicken.

WIZ

Chicken isn?t supposed to be so...gray.

HERMAN

You use a lot of salt on things?

WIZ

What?

HERMAN

Salt. You, you like to put a lot of salt on your food?

WIZ

I don?t know. Never thought about it.

HERMAN

You like your food tasty, or on the bland side?

WIZ

Why would anyone like bland food?

HERMAN

Just answer the question. You like it tasty, or bland?

WIZ

Tasty. Why?

HERMAN

Well there?s your problem.

WIZ

What?

HERMAN

You probably put too much salt and such on your food. Bad

for the tastebuds. Shrinks them down like a slug.

WIZ

Nah!

HERMAN

Let me ask you something. You ever see a cook in a

wheelchair?

WIZ

What? (beat) No.

HERMAN

What about with a cane? You ever see a chef with a, a, a

cane or maybe wearing a diaper?

WIZ

What the hell are you talking about?

HERMAN

Cooks, see...you don?t ever see any of them like that because

they, they, they just don?t get the chance to get that

decrepid before they have to, you know, move on.

WIZ

Move on? What do you mean, move on?

HERMAN

Retire. Most cooks have to retire early because their, their

tastebuds are shot by the time they?re fifty, give or take.

WIZ

That?s bullshit! What about all those places downtown? With

the little Chinese guys cooking moo goo gai somethin?.

They?re probably eighty, ninety years old!

HERMAN

Oh, for chrissake! The Chinese, they?re not real cooks! They

got one goddamn bottle of sauce for everything! That?s not

cooking! Too much salt. Too much of that, that, that hot

chile crap you pour all over your food. That?s why you don?t

know the difference between a frog and a chicken.

WIZ

Oh! C?mon! Lots of people can?t tell the difference between

frog and chicken! Why do you think people started eating

frogs in the first place? Because it tastes like chicken!

Not because it taste like a frog!

HERMAN

You?ve got a point there. But I still say that, that,

that...

Herman pokes something on his fork.

WIZ

What?

Wiz looks closer.

WIZ

Is that a worm? Ugh! I knew the color of that purple shit

wasn?t right...

HERMAN

No. no....it?s from the green stuff with the milky white

crap... Oh! There?s another one!

WIZ

Oh, man! Fucking thing is full of worms! I think I?m gonna be

sick!

HERMAN

Waitaminute. I don?t think those are worms...

WIZ

Yeah they?re worms! Look at it!

HERMAN

I?m looking. (beat) I think they may be some kind of,

of...sea creature.

WIZ

Sea creature? What? You mean like a fish?

HERMAN

No. This aint no fish. I think it may be one of those,

those, those squishy things...you know, the ones that look

like a penis with eyes.

WIZ

A penis with eyes?

HERMAN

Yeah! And it?s got those little squiggly things coming out

the bottom...legs or what have you. Here...

 

Herman picks up the book next to him

and begins flipping through it.

 

HERMAN

There?s a picture of the thing in this book I got. See,

before I travel to a place, I always like to read up on it,

you know? The history, the cultural...habitats and such.

Keeps me one step ahead.

 

Herman finds the page and shows it to

The Wiz

 

WIZ

It?s a squid.

HERMAN

Yeah. Cute little bastards. Looks a little like my nephew.

WIZ

What the fuck is it doing in there? You think it fell in?

HERMAN

Of course not! These people...Hawaiians...they ate this kind

of squiggly shit all the time! They had to! See, you and me,

we can go out any time and get whatever we want?a burger,

fries, whatever.

But back then, the King, he got most of the good stuff, like,

like the steaks, chocolates, canons and such. The common

people...they just took what they could get.

WIZ

I guess it?s good to be the King.

HERMAN

Yeah. Bad thing is that the King liked the stuff so much, he,

he ended up trading everything away. The land, all the hot

women, what have you.

WIZ

Wow! What an asshole!

HERMAN

You got that right.

Herman closes the book and hands it to

The Wiz.

HERMAN

Here. It?s always a good idea to, to, to inform yourself.

Stay one step ahead.

WIZ

Nah. I?m O.K.

HERMAN

Whatdoyou mean, ?you?re O.K.?? What makes you think you?re

O.K.?

WIZ

What? What?s to know about life in paradise? What kind of

sunscreen I should buy? Where I go to get a Mai Tai with the

little umbrella in it? What technique I should use to get all

the sand outta my crotch? What?

HERMAN

(shaking head) No wonder they call it the ?lost generation.?

You don?t have a goddamn clue, do you?

WIZ

Aw! Here it comes...

HERMAN

I?m telling you, it?s always best to be informed. Educated.

Otherwise, you?re not going to know what to do if you get

yourself in a situation.

WIZ

What situation? What do you mean?

HERMAN

Like this here. (points at the plate) You would?ve wasted

your money throwing it away because you, you, you thought

this green crap was full of worms.

WIZ

Yeah. Now I?m throwing it away because it?s full of squid.

HERMAN

True. But at least you?re making an informed decision. It?s

very important. Especially when you?re in a foreign

place...you have to stay one step ahead. Know the history,

the culture...

WIZ

I just want to know where I can get a drink with one of

those...little umbrellas in it.

HERMAN

You can get that any hotel. Now THIS...THIS is a cultural

experience! You can?t get that at a bar or, or a beach!

WIZ

You know Herman, I?m grateful you asked me to come on this

trip...

HERMAN

You should thank my friend. He?s the one who suddenly got a

tumor.

WIZ

...but maybe we should?ve discussed our agenda before we

left. I mean, what the fuck are we doing here when we could

be lying on the beach watching bikinis?

HERMAN

They say it was the size of a baseball. Or golf

ball...something. Right there in his lungs. Funny thing is,

he, he never smoked a day in his life. Even did some of these

(moves his arms)every morning for thirty years.

WIZ

What? jumping jacks?

HERMAN

Yeah. Jumping jacks. See, the thing is, you never know when

there?ll be a tumor...or, or maybe you?ll get hit by a

bus...who knows? That?s why you have to appreciate life.

Don?t, don?t waste it all on little umbrellas and bikinis.

WIZ

I don?t think anyone would consider watching bikinis a waste

of time.

HERMAN

...depends on the bikini.

WIZ

True, true. (beat) I?m thirsty. You thirsty?

HERMAN

Yeah. I?m kind of parched, myself.

WIZ

I?ll go...

HERMAN

No. I?ll get it. I saw something I want from that cart over

there. Be right back.

 

Herman gets up and exits.

The Wiz looks through the shopping bag

next to him. He looks at the post

cards. He looks at the hula girl doll.

He turns the doll over and flips a

button on and it begins to dance. Then

he takes out a ?shark in a bottle.?

Herman appears with two coconuts with

straws.

 

HERMAN

Jesus! What the hell is that! Put that away!

WIZ

What?

Herman grabs the Hula girl, shuts it

off and shoves it in the bag.

HERMAN

What?s wrong with you? Didn?t I just tell you?

WIZ

What? I bought the stuff at the Hawaiian Mart! They should

be happy!

HERMAN

This, this, this is the kind of thing I?m talking about! You

don?t know anything about anything!

Herman sees the shark in the Wiz?s

hand.

HERMAN

And what the hell is THAT?

WIZ

It?s a shark in a bottle. See?

 

Wiz holds it up.

 

HERMAN

You got to get rid of this! Don?t, don?t, don?t you know

these Hawaiians...they consider the shark a god, for

chrissake! You can?t bring that in there!

WIZ

They think the shark is a god?

HERMAN

Yeah. It?s right there in the book!

WIZ

But they eat people! What kind of god fucking eats people?

HERMAN

Well here?s the thing: the shark god only punishes you if you

show disrespect. (beat) Like those, those, those guys on the

boards out there...

WIZ

What? You mean surfers?

HERMAN

Right. Surfers. See, most people think these, these surfer

guys get bit because the shark mistakes them for a turtle, am

I right?

WIZ

Yeah. I think that?s pretty accurate...

HERMAN

But that?s not the whole story. See, after I read this thing

about the shark god...I put two and two together and figured

there was something else going on there. That somehow, those

surfers were being targeted because they were disrespecting

the gods.

WIZ

What does that supposed to mean? Most of the time they?re

just floating around out there. How is that being

disrespectful?

HERMAN

You?re not going to believe this...but I heard it, first

hand, from one of those surfers on the beach there.

WIZ

What?

HERMAN

(in a semi-whisper) They shit their pants.

WIZ

Nah!

HERMAN

I kid you not! They shit their pants out there in the water

because they, they, they don?t want to come in and use the

can like any decent human being. Nevermind it only takes a

few minutes...they can?t stand to miss one goddamn wave.

WIZ

That?s disgusting!

HERMAN

You got that right. (beat) Let me tell you something: If I

was out there swimming around and I saw one of those guys

crap their pants next to me, I?d bite their balls off myself.

Herman sips his drink.

The Wiz grabs the coconut with a straw,

drinks then spits it out.

WIZ

What IS this?

HERMAN

What does it look like? It?s coconut milk.

WIZ

Ugh. I thought it was ....forget it.

HERMAN

It?s good for you. Stops you up when you got the runs.

WIZ

Why, you got the runs?

HERMAN

Who me?

WIZ

Who else?

HERMAN

I don?t have the runs. I?m just saying that if you get the

runs, this stuff is supposed to, to...you know, constipate

it.

WIZ

Huh. I didn?t know that.

HERMAN

Learn something new every day.

 

Suddenly, a dark, local man with a red

t-shirt that says ?SECURITY? on the

front runs into the scene, looking a

bit panicked.

 

MAN (FREDDY)

Hey! You two! Get outta here! Now! It?s closing!

WIZ

What?

MAN (FREDDY)

Get the hell out! The palace is closing! We?re...about to

close the gates!

HERMAN

But it aint five o?clock yet. The sign there says it closes

at five.

MAN (FREDDY)

No! We?re closing NOW! Go home!

HERMAN

Do you work here?

MAN (FREDDY)

No! Yes! We?re closing the gates! You have to get out, now!

 

Herman reaches in his pocket.

The man watches him and screams LOUD.

Herman takes out the brochure. Both he

and Wiz are staring at the man, who is

frozen.

 

The man loosens up when he sees Herman

took out a brochure.

 

HERMAN

Kinda high strung, aint you? (opening brochure)See...the

brochure here, it says five o?clock. It doesn?t say...

(looking at his watch) four eighteen. We got here late

because my friend here...he, he, he takes a long time to get

out, if you know what I mean.

MAN (FREDDY)

Look! It?s a special day! I-I-It?s the Queen?s birthday!

So...we?re closing early to celebrate, OK? Now get the fuck

out of here!

HERMAN

Whoa! Does your boss know you use that kind of language? I

don?t think they?d approve of you telling paying customers

to, to, to fuck off!

WIZ

Herman...

HERMAN

Waitaminute. Just let me finish and...

WIZ

Herman...

HERMAN

What?

 

Herman turns to Wiz and realizes there

is a woman standing there in an

identical red t-shirt, with a gun.

 

HERMAN

O.K. You win! We?ll go.

Herman and the Wiz grab heir things and

get up.

WOMAN

It?s too late. (gesturing to the doors of the palace) Get

your ass in there! Now!

 

Herman and Wiz begin to exit, followed

by the man and woman with the gun.

 

Lights dim.

  

Note: if you'd like to read the rest, please let me know!

Comedy Type: Script Length: Post date: Script Market:
Private

Copyright Statement



Comments

   

Submitted by dramatist on Sun, 11/20/2011 - 20:16
can u please mail me the whole script.......i am a frnd of the community
Submitted by Sheila Pitogo (not verified) on Tue, 10/02/2012 - 18:59
NICE
Submitted by crystal (not verified) on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 10:58
nice... i would like to read the rest
Submitted by wesley bellamy on Sun, 01/13/2013 - 06:34
this is really good! Please can you email me the entire script? i would be really interested in reading it :)
Submitted by ganesh (not verified) on Thu, 02/07/2013 - 00:52
Please Email Me the ENtire Script!!!!!!!
Submitted by Maddie Hahler (not verified) on Thu, 02/07/2013 - 07:03
Could you email me the rest? May possibly use for school play!

30-60m Sitcoms/Stage Plays - The Negotiator