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Breaking Up With Groupon

Breaking Up With Groupon

(4m)   by apip13
 

Comedy Skits   (31468 Views 63 Comments)

(Girl is seated at table. Guy enters, wearing Groupon shirt, carrying bag/briefcase.) Girl: Hey, thanks for meeting me.

Groupon: Of course, it sounded important, and you know I'm always here for you. Anything you need. Anything. *stares intently at girl*

Girl: (seems exasperated) Yes, yes, I know. I actually am fine though. I don't need anything. I just wanted to talk to you about something.

Groupon: I'm all ears. Speaking of ears, let me tell you about these amazing Bose headphones I can get you a deal on...

Girl: Stop! Enough with the deals! That's why I asked you to come here. I can't do this anymore.

Groupon: Do.....what....anymore?

Girl: I am unsubscribing from you Groupon. I'm done.

Groupon: I don't understand. Did I do something wrong? Can I offer you 50% off 6 weeks of couples counseling? Or maybe a rejuvenating 4-5 day stay at the bed and breakfast of your choice, of course you will only be able to choose from the 4 locales available but they are all fantastic options---

Girl: STOP. Are you kidding me? You won't leave me ALONE. 6 or 7 emails a day, minimum. Constantly trying to get me to buy these lavish beach vacations to the Caribbean, or cabin stays in the Poconos. I just need some space.

Groupon: Space? I thought you wanted someone who could be committed, who could be there for you no matter what. I was trying to be that for you! You asked me to be there for you.

Girl: I was different then. I'm not looking for the same things I was when I signed up for this.

Groupon: You can't just toss me away like I don't mean something to you, you know.

Girl: Watch me!

Groupon: Tell that to THESE (slams terms and conditions on the table)

Girl: What the hell are those?

Groupons: Terms and conditions. You are stuck with me. *smiles*

Girl: There has to be another way. I am finding a way out of this, Groupon.

Groupon: Fine. Go. See if I care. You'll never find anyone as good as me.

Girl: I seriously doubt that. You know there's dozens of sites out there just like you.

Groupon: Is that why you're leaving me?! Is there somebody else? Is it Living Social??? Oh I knew he was sneaky. Came up out of nowhere offering deals just like mine, flying low under the radar. I should have known he'd stab me right in the html code. How long? How long have you been getting deals from him?!

Girl: Groupon, relax, I'm not subscribed to Living Social. I just don't want to be subscribed to anyone right now. I'm taking some me-time to do some self reflection without the constant stress of subscriptions and coupons to use.

Groupon: I don't believe you! Why else would you want to toss me aside! Think about all the good times we had. Remember that day trip to the shooting range? Or those patterned yoga pants I got you for 78% off? How about the wine tasting, you can't forget about that! It was our....our.....our first date *starts to cry*

Girl: Please don't cry. Those were great times, they really were. I just need to move on to different things. Like not spending my entire paychecks on winery trips and yoga pants.

Groupon: What if I told you if you refer five of your friends you'd get 15 free Groupon bucks? Would you reconsider unsubscribing?

Girl: *deadpan* No.

Groupon: Okay fine, 30 Groupon bucks, but don't tell my boss.

Girl: Seriously no, I'm sure I want to unsubscribe from you, so if you could just help me do that, I'll be on my way...

Groupon: Those shoes look a little scuffed up, are you sure you don't need any shoe polish, I have loads of different show polishes I can get you some deals on! *looks in bag/briefcase*

Girl: Groupon, I don't know how many ways I can tell you this. We are done. I want out. And really, shoe polish? Why would I ever..? You are absolutely ridiculous. Please don't make me raise my voice, we're in public...

Groupon: If it's your voice you want to raise in public I can help you with that! Half off appetizers at Applebees on Karaoke Night! Limited time only!!

Girl: Honestly, if you don't stop offering me deals to things I do not need or want...

Groupon: Actually the correct phrase there would be ?need nor want.? Are you interested in after school grammar tutoring?

Girl: That's it. I'm leaving. Whatever. Keep sending me a thousand emails a day. I'll just change all of my email addresses.

-Girl exits-

Groupon is seated alone at the table. New girl walks up.

New Girl: Hi, um, I'm sorry I'm new to this whole thing, but a Facebook ad brought me here, and I think I heard something about a deal on yoga pants? Could you do that for me?

Groupon: *smiles at crowd* Why yes, I can....take a seat and we'll get you all subscribed and ready to go. *pulls out contract*

Comedy Type:

Script Length: 4m
Humor Type:
Post date: Wed, 02/04/2015 - 07:09
Script Market: Public

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Comments

   

trollmaster (not verified)
hey

zackalder22
Can I use this script for a school project?

Joyy98
I was wonder if I could use their script for a theater competition I am trying out for. I really love it !!!

apip13
Sure Joyy98!

Kate260 (not verified)
Hi, may I use this script for a theater project. This would be perfect.

apip13
Sure, Kate260!

Kaley1447
Hi, me and my friend were wondering if we could use this script for a school theater competition?

JessiBBB (not verified)
Can I please use this for a talent show? Thanks!

apip13
Kaley1447 and JessiBBB, sure!

Lillith (not verified)
Can I please use this as for my school's play?

apip13
Lillith, sure!

Riley1168 (not verified)
Hey, I was wondering if I could use this script for forensics this year?

FilmkoFilms (not verified)
Hey, We were wondering if we could use this script for one of our youtube skit videos. We will give all credit to you.

apip13
Sure, FilmkoFilms! I'd love to get a link to it when it's done! :)

Riley1168 (not verified)
I was wondering if I could use this piece for forensics this year. The season is starting in 13 days and I need an answer A.S.A.P. Sorry for the rush :/

FilmkoFilms (not verified)
Thank you very much, we will definitely give you a link once it's done. :)

apip13
Riley1169, sure you can use it. Out of curiosity, what do you mean by forensics?

Tai Luong (not verified)
Hi I truely love the skit!!!!! It's awesome and hilarious, can I get your permission to perform it in my school's Talent show? (Maynard Evans High School Orlando, FL)

apip13
Tai Luong, sure you can use it for your talent show!

Riley1168 (not verified)
Forensics is just a acting type of thing with lots of different categories and do you thing in front of a judge who gives you a score on how well you did compared to other people in your category. I live in Wisconsin where it is very popular and last year at state 1500 kids where there. It is basically a program that helps you get used to public speaking and is a great experience!

Theo C (not verified)
Hi I think this skit is hilarious! I was wondering if I could use this skit (or a shortened version of it) for a school spirit week skit? Thanks!

lori (not verified)
A youth at our church wants to use this skit in a talent show. Could we have your permission? Thanks!

apip13
Theo C and lori, yes you can use it!

nina (not verified)
HIIII! we want to use this play for our school english performance. Bc it was super funny!!! Could we have your permission?? THANK YOU<3

eric (not verified)
hi, could i use this for my forensics competition? Thank you so much it is great

Ron Brown (not verified)
I would like to use your script for a class I am teaching at the local senior center. Thank you

apip13
nina, eric, and Ron Brown: yes you can! Please give credit when using it, thank you!

cici (not verified)
Can we please use this for theater showcase? It would be perfect for us.

apip13
Sure, cici! Please give credit when using it, thank you :)

Adriana (not verified)
Can I use this for a small class talent show?

Tanna (not verified)
Hi this is great! Can I use it for a showcase?

apip13
Adriana and Tanna: yes you can! Please make sure to give credit when using it :)

J.N. (not verified)
Could possibly I use this for a theatre showcase at my university? It's great!

apip13
Sure, J.N. Please make sure to give credit when using it! :)

2015128805 (not verified)
Hi! this is great, can i please use this for a theater showcase at my university? Its great.

Maneesha Khalae (not verified)
You are hilarious! Can i use this for my family's short stories collection? I'll give you credit!!!

apip13
2015128805 and Maneesha Khalae, sure! Please be sure to give credit when using it :)

Domino
can i use this for a youtube video please it is so funny.

apip13
Sure, Domino!! Please provide me credit when you use it (Alyssa Pipitone) and let me know when it's done! :)

lizzy i (not verified)
can I use this for a skit at a camp? (:

apip13
lizzy i, sure! Please provide credit :)

colleen walker (not verified)
Could I use this please for the duo section in the Queensland Eisteddfod.

apip13
colleen walker, sure!

Mani (not verified)
Hey, can my partner and I use this for a speech and debate audition? It's hilarious, and we think it would be perfect!

apip13
Sure, Mani!

Erica (not verified)
Can i use this for a speech competition?

Suman (not verified)
Hi Alyssa Can I use it for a office party? Thanks Sumi

Basia (not verified)
Hi I love this script!!! May I use your it for an inter school competition? The purpose of the competition is to promote English language. We won't get money for taking part just certificates and books.

Basia (not verified)
"your script" not "your it" :-)

apip13
Erica, Suman, and Basia: sure! Please make sure to give me credit when using it! :)

Basia (not verified)
OK, I will. Thank you so much!!! Best regards :)

Lauren (not verified)
Hey, your piece is incredible! I was wondering if I could perform it in my high school's theater club?

apip13
Lauren, sure! Please make sure to give credit when using it :)

Azzie D (not verified)
Hey, your skit is amazing! Do you think I could use it for a drama club performance?

apip13
Sure Azzie!

Will (not verified)
Hey! Can my friend and I use this for a speech competition? We love the duologue!

Ann (not verified)
Can I use this script for my drama class?qRNf It's hilarious!

DavMcc97
I wanted to ask if I could use the script for a school project.

Austin (not verified)
Alyssa I am very sorry that i did not ask for your permission first but I have completed a short film using your script for an assignment in a film class however I have not posted it anywhere. I would love to share this on youtube but I would like to give credit where it is due. If you'd like to see it I can send you a copy through email. Thanks

Greg Vestal (not verified)
Hi Alyssa, I would like to shoot this short for a first-time short film festival coming up here in Destin, FL.

apip13
Austin and Greg, yes you can definitely shoot those! I will private message you my email, as I would love to see your renditions. Thanks!!

apip13
Austin and Greg, please leave me your emails via comment or private message and we can correspond through that for the videos.

Caitlin (not verified)
Hey! We love both of your scripts this and the valentines day one, my friend and i were wondering if we could use this for a school performance! Thanks so much :)

4m Comedy Skits - Breaking Up With Groupon