You are here
Trapped in a Monologue
I have had all sorts of problems lately. I lost my job. My dog ran away. The taxes are always there. My car broke down. I got a terrible rash that I'd perfer not to talk about right now. Oh, and my bathtub randomly exploded. EXPLODED. Don't ask. I don't even know. I mean seriously! I'm not trying to question the universe or anything, but that kind of stuff just plain doesn't happen! It definiatly ruined my day. And don't even get me started on the crap that's on daytime television nowadays.
Its like the entire world is against me. Like I'm just a fictional character for some twisted writer to vent his anger on to make himself feel better about his own life. I know it sounds ridiculous but that's the only thing I can compare it to.
You know what? I'm being selfish. I've just been telling you all about my problems. I never listen to what you have to say. How's life? (long pause)
Hey, wait just a second here. Something's wrong. (looks around) What the hell....? I'm not talking to anybody! I've been talking to myself this whole time!
Am I crazy? Now that I think about it, I don't even remember getting here. (thinks hard) I can't remember anything before me saying "I have had all sorts of problems lately."
I can't remember any of my life! It's like my life started with that sentence and there was nothing before it!
Ok, ok, ok, pal, don't panic. There's got to be some reasonable explanation, right? Let's see. Where am I? I'm in some sort of.....room. Alright, that's a start. My god, why do I feel so comfortable talking to myself? Wait. There's people. They're just sitting there.....watching me...
(*gasp*) They must be some kind of alien race that abducted me and fed me a drug that made me forget my entire life and talk to myself like some kind of mental patient!
Hey! Aliens! Can you here me! I'm on to you! I know what your doing! You want me to freak out until I give up the name and location of the President so you can control his mind and have all of mankind at your command! Well guess what, alien scum! When you brainwashed me, you made me forget everything about the president too! Boy, did you guys screw up! Not so advanced now are ya? Are ya?!?! You guys got yourself into some deep crap this time! Emperor Farquexitonimolaguniasiumtron isn't going to be to happy about that is he?!
Wait. They don't LOOK like aliens. Hmm. Maybe I jumped the gun a little there. Maybe they'll respond if I ask them what's going on.
Hey! You! Yes, you! Where am I and how did I get here? Stop just staring at me like that! Answer my question! Why are you just watching? Do you want me to do a trick or something? Your staring at me like you're a patron an audience!
(long pause)Wait. These people...this room...those lights....that hairstyle.... I know what this is! I know where I am! This IS an audience! My greatest fear has finally come true... I'M TRAPPED IN A MONOLOGUE!!(goes to his knees, throws hands into the air)
(silence, then finally) If this is a monologue, and I have no doubt in my mind that it is, that means that it's only a matter of time! Once the actor says "scene," it's all over for me! I may only have seconds to live. Okay, calm down. I just have to convince him not to say it! Yeah! I'm sure I'm being played by a decent guy. He'll understand.
Ahem. Uh, hey, Actor! Whatever you do do not say the word "scene!" I'm begging you! If you say that word, it's all over for me! Oh, jeez is he even listening to me? Hey, your a good guy, right? We're on the same team here! If you have any decency at all, you will not say that word! Please!
Oh, no. I feel myself fading away! That can only mean one thing! He's about to break character! The scene's almost over!
Come on, man, think about what you're doing! You can't just bring someone to life just to make them blink out of existance in a time span of a few minutes! What kind of example would you be setting for your peers?!
(gets on his knees and starts to grovel) Please, please, please, PLEASE!! Do not say----