Bill Cosby- Noah's Ark (07:50)
God: (standing on a chair behind Noah, he rings a bell once) NOAH.
Noah: (Looks up) Is someone calling me? (Shrugs and goes back to his work)
God: (Ding) NOAH!!
Noah: Who is that?
God: It's the Lord, Noah.
Noah: Right ... Where are ya? What do ya want? I've been good.
God: I want you to build an ark.
Noah: Right ... What's an ark?
God: Get some wood and build it 300 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits.
Noah: Right ... What's a cubit?
God: Well never mind. Don't worry about that right now. After you build the
ark, I want you to go out into the world and collect all the animals of the
world, two by two, male and female, and put them into the ark.
Noah: Right ... Who is this really? What's going on? How come you want me to
do all these weird things?
God: I'm going to destroy the world.
Noah: Right ... Am I on Candid Camera? How are you gonna do it?
God: I'm going to make it rain for a thousand days and drown them right out.
Noah: Right ... Listen, do this and you'll save water. Let it rain for forty
days and forty nights and wait for the sewers to back up.
Narrator: So Noah began to build the ark. Of course his neighbors were not
too happy about it. Can you imagine leaving for the office at 7 AM and
seeing an ark?
Neighbor: (enters whistling, with brief case) Hey! You over there.
Noah: What do you want?
Neighbor: What is this thing?
Noah: It's an ark.
Neighbor: Uh huh, well you want to get it out of my driveway? I've gotta get
to work. Hey listen, what's this thing for anyway?
Noah: I can't tell you, ha ha ha.
Neighbor: Can't you even give me a little hint?
Noah: You want a hint?
Neighbor: Yes, please.
Noah: Well, how long can you tread water? Ha ha ha
Neighbor: There's one in every neighborhood. (Shakes head and leaves)
Narrator: Well Noah finally got the ark built. Then he had the task of
gathering all the animals two by two.
Noah: Hey, anybody know how to tell the difference between a male and a
female mosquito? (Looking in a box) I told your rabbits before, only two!
(He puts box in boat) Whew, finally the last two animals are on board. Let's
get this thing closed up before God asks me to do something else. I'm six
hundred years old. I am getting too old for this sort of thing.
Noah: I knew it. What do you want now?
God: You're going to have to take one of those hippos off and get another
God: 'Cause you got two males. You need a female.
Noah: I'm too tired to bring anything else on board. You change one of them.
God: Come on, you know I don't work like that.
Noah: But I'm sick and tired of this. I've been working all day everyday
like crazy for months now, dawn to dusk. I'm tired of this.
God: how long can you tread water? Ha ha ha
Noah: Yeah, well I got news for you. You keep talking about this flood and I
haven't seen a drop of rain. Meanwhile, the whole neighborhood is making fun
of me. I told one of my friends I'd been talking to the Lord and he laughed
so hard he wet his pants. Do you know I'm the only guy in town with an ark
in his yard? People are picketing and calling the heath department,
strangers walk up to me and say "How's it going, Tarzan?" I am sick and
tired of all of this, you let me get a pregnant elephant . . . Do you give
me an instruction book? . . . No!!! Here I am standing under the elephant
and brrrrrrrrump! Right on top of me! I'm telling you, I've had enough.
You're supposed to see all and know all, well have you seen the bottom of
that ark? Who's going to clean up that mess? Not me, I tell you. I quit. I'm
tired of this. I'm going to let the animals out and burn that ark down. I
can't believe you made me do all this . . .
(God takes a watering can and begins to pour water on Noah's head)
Noah: (continues) I can't believe the mess you got me in and . . . and . . .
it's raining . . . This isn't just a shower is it? OK. All right, it's me
and you Lord, me and you all the way. I'm with you Lord. Whatever you
in: Stand Up Comedy, Religions, Featured Clips, English Comedy, Bill Cosby