You are here
NARRATOR: In this story, happening in an ordinary fridge, there are 10 characters.
There's Stinky Bishop, a typical British cheese which, as the name suggests, stinks a lot. It is a well-educated and well-mannered dairy product.
2 young organic eggs who speak simoultaneously.
1 Pat of butter who speaks rhyming Cockney slang, a typical jargon used in the East-end of London.
1 bottle of mineral natural water from Scotland.
1 bottle of Russian Vodka who's always drunk. A bit rude at times, but a funny spirit, you can say that.
1 bottle of refined French champagne who doesn't really like to be standing next to the Vodka.
1 portion of exquisite Italian Lasagna
And finally, there's a strange couple: 1 half onion (a crybaby) and a cucumber, or a courgette...well...a green and stretched, oblong vegetable who's affected by a personality disorder. Some say it is possessed!
Truth be said, there's another character, a woman, the owner of the fridge, to whom our tribute is due.
(NARRATOR leaves the stage)
(The ONION is crying. The COURGETTE is distracted, doing other things, like lacing his shoes, watching the time etc.)
WATER: What's that?
EGGS: It's the onion!
WATER: Oh! Why is she crying?
BUTTER: Oh, she's a pain in the Gregory Peck!
LASAGNE: Gregory Peck?
BISHOP: That, my son, is slang. In rhyming Cockney slang, original from the East End of London, Gregory Peck stands for neck. So, our Butter friend here is saying that the onion is a pain in the neck.
LASAGNE: Thanks father Stinky. You are very literate.
BISHOP: Well, I have studied you see.
BUTTER: (in a strong Cockney accent)That's right fatha'. You always know everything, don't you brotha'?
VODKA: Yes. It knows as much as it stinks, oh oh oh.
CHAMPAGNE: Pf! You smell even worse, and you are just an illiterate, uneducated and uncultured old-drunken and half-empty bottle of Vodka!
WATER: So why is the half onion crying?
BUTTER: She split up from her other half, hasn't she?
(Butter, Lasagna, eggs, bishop and vodka laugh.) OH OH OH
EGGS: Oh, that's naughty. So, please tell us Miss Onion, what happened to you?
ONION (sighing and sobbing): I am not a MISS, I am actually a MRS, I'm MRS Courgette. Or at least, that's what I was supposed to be.
(Everybody turns to Mr Courgette who's not paying attention to what's happening.) MMMMM?
LASAGNE: Are you saying that you are married to a Courgette?
BISHOP: Well, ehm, as a matter of fact Mr and Mrs Courgette are by any means married. I myself have celebrated this marriage last night, when you were all sleeping.
COURGETTE: Mmm? Who's this Mr Courgette? I don't see any courgette around, do I?
ONION: (chocking with tears) You seeeee ?? It is doing it again!
(Everybody looks puzzled)
CHAMPAGNE: ca veut dire quoi ca? What do you mean you don't see any courgette?! You ARE a courgette, you are Monsiuer Courgette, that's how you introduced yourself to us yesterday.
COURGETTE: Oh, you must be confused, I am a cucumber, that's what I have always been and will always be, until someone will eat me in a healthy and refreshing salad with pure olive oil. (Turns to the audience) Yummy, isn't it?
All flabbergasted (OOOOHHH)
CHAMPAGNE: But you are supposed to be eaten cooked in all sorts of ways: fried, boiled, sautee with butter and onion...
LASAGNE: That's right. Cocila come vuoi, sempre cucuzza e. (Sicilian expression, literally transalted it means "cook it as you please, it's always a courgette")
COURGETTE: With butter and onion? You must be kidding, I would never mix with such a dairy product and vegetable species. I'd rather go with tomatoes. Wouldn't I?
ONION: (Desperate) You seeeeee??? It hates me! It's worst than Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde.
COURGETTE: Are YOU talking to me? (Taxi Driver Style)
WATER: Mmm, this is a case of double identity!
BISHOP: Mmmm. No! This is a clear case of ...POSSESSION! (looks around, very serious)
LASAGNE: The courgette is possessed by a cucumber?
BISHOP: Correct. And there is only one thing to do. (Turns to Vodka). Vodka, please!
(Vodka fills up and passes a glass of vodka)
WATER: Is it not supposed to be holy water?
(Bishop drinks the vodka all at once)
BISHOP: Oh, that's a good vodka. (wipes his mouth with his hand, then turns serious and solemn to the others) Now let us all repeat these words.
ALL: Yes Stinky Bishop!
COURGETTE: What the hell...?
BISHOP: Thou, cucumber, shalt leave this courgette. Thou, rotten vegetable, art not welcome in this fridge.
(They all repeat together)
COURGETTE: (during the "exorcism"): What are you, crazy? I'm not rotten, I'm a fresh vegetable. Leave me alone, I'm a cucumber, I'm a green, stretched, oblong, refreshing cucumber, I am not a courgette... I'm not a cou...I'm a cu...a cu... a cou... a cou...
LASAGNE: A COUS-COUS????
COURGETTE: I'm a... COURGETTE! (bursts into tears)
Everybody is excited. (YEHHH)
COURGETTE: I'm a courgette, a courgette! Am I? (excited and moved)
BISHOP: We made it!!
BUTTER: well done Bishop, you are as good as you stink, mate!
ONION:(in tears, they hug) oh, darling, it is you again! Tell me you won't be an awful cucumber anymore.
COURGETTE: Oh my little half onion, it's been terrible. I will always be your beloved courgette for the rest of my life. (Turns to audience) Will I?
(Nobody moves. A WOMAN enters and opens the fridge).
WOMAN: Mmm, let's see. Tonight I'll have a healthy and refreshing cucumber salad with pure olive oil. That's right! (grabs the cucumber and takes it with her).
CUCUMBER: (desperate leaves the stage): I told you I was a cucumber! Didn't I?
ONION: (Even more desperate) Oh! Not again!
The play could stop here or carry on (we carried on and was pretty funny also because we used a Sicilian character, made up by a teacher, with whom the audience was already familiar)
At this point, the audience might start clapping as the play could be over. Everyone stays at their place in silence.
From behind the scenes, you hear a chopping sound (a bang on the table, whatsoever) and a scream (the cucumber is being chopped).
WOMAN: But...WHAT'S THAT?? He told me it was a cucumber and it is a courgette, silly greengrocer! Well, let's cook it with the onion. (Goes on stage, grabs the onion and both leave the stage.
ONION: (jumping excited) Yeeeeh!
NARRATOR: (Enters the scene) And they lived happily ever after.
In Italian I've added a nice ending with the narrator but it is untranslatable into English:
"NARRATOR: E vissero cosi felici e contenti, cotti l'uno dell'altro, i piu belli del reame...o meglio, del tegame!"
("Essere cotto di qualcuno" means "to be in love". "I piu belli del reame" comes from the queen in Whitesnow and the 7 dwarves, when she's in front of the mirror, in Italian she says "Specchio, specchio delle mie brame, chi e la piu bella del reame?". "Tegame" (saucepan) rhymes with reame.