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Better Days

Better Days

(10-30m)   by domwire1975
 

Sitcoms/Stage Plays   (778 Views 1 Comments)

By ominic Hoarty & Sam Hoarty & Neil Birchall

Series One

Episode One

 

INT.    DILAPIDATED OLD BOOKMAKERS – DAY 1 – 09.50

 

Reg McManus Turf Accountants has a garish red and black carpet – the newspapers on the boards are yellowing along with the wallpaper. Smoke hangs thickly in the air. Jackie, a plump brunette lady in her early fifties is heading towards the counter where Carol is sitting behind the Perspex. Carol is also a plump lady, towards the end of her fifties with bobbed blond hair and spectacles.

 

JACKIE

(Taking off coat – out of breath)

Morning Carol love, sorry I’m a bit late. Have I missed him?

CAROL

(Eating crisps)

Morning Jacks. No he’s not due for half an hour or so. Mike’s not here yet anyway, how did you get on?

JACKIE

Oh the bloody usual, eat this, eat that, cut out the rubbish. Never seems to stop me feeling as bloated as them little famine kids that were on during Live Aid.

(CAROL hands JACKIE an éclair which she duly dispatches in two mouthfuls)

JACKIE (CONT’D)

Ooh cheers Carol love, just what I needed were that.

CAROL

Our Frank was having a pop yesterday cos I was eating a cream horn at half 9 in the morning.

JACKIE

Cheeky sod!

CAROL

I know! I told him the French eat chocolate for breakfast

JACKIE

Aye it’s sophisticated

CAROL

Sophisticated and consequential or whatever it is they call it. Pan o chocolate and all that, they dip em in their coffees don’t they?

JACKIE

Dirty bastards. Mind you I don’t feel so bad about dunking my Toblerone in my tea now. Have to nibble some of them bigger Toblerone bars though to get em in my mug.

CAROL

Hey! (Laughing) You know what our Charlie said the other day?

JACKIE

(Weary) Oh go on love

CAROL

Well he put a bit of Toblerone in his teeth and said ‘I’m a vampire’. Hilarious. I didn’t see it but our Mark showed it to me on that Facebook thing. I’ve got the picture on me phone, he put it on for me last night. Here you can have a look if I can find the blasted thing. (Starts to rummage in handbag)

JACKIE

Don’t worry if you can’t find it love

CAROL

No, no it’s here somewhere (pause) ah! (CAROL shoves the phone right into JACKIE’S face)

JACKIE

(Taken aback) I do hope he ate that chocolate and didn’t waste it

(CAROL continues to flick through the photographs on here phone. She looks lovingly at them and JACKIE is relieved as MIKE arrives. MIKE is in his early twenties, he is wearing a MOD style long coat and moped helmet which he removes to reveal his dark tousled hair and stubble. He looks every inch the student that he is)

 

 

MIKE

Alright girls what are we looking at?

JACKIE

(Rolling eyes in Mike’s direction) Little Charlie

CAROL

(Thrusting the phone into Mike’s face) Do you want a look Mike?

MIKE

It seems I have no bloody choice

CAROL

Right little tinker isn’t he?

MIKE

Yeah. I’ll just get my coat off and have a brew before I have a proper look

CAROL

Here! (places phone in Mike’s hand) Have a good look through whilst I go for a big piss. I’ll stick the kettle on on the way back.

MIKE

(He winces and tosses the phone onto the counter) Little tinker, little wanker more like!

JACKIE

(Laughing) Michael, you can’t say that!

MIKE

(Gesturing towards the phone) Well the little shit has a face you’d never tire of taking a hammer to.

JACKIE

Well I suppose it’s not the kid’s fault

MIKE

Bollocks! My mum always says ‘Oh you can’t blame the child’. Well I bloody well can where that one is concerned. Admittedly ITS parents are a waste of space but I still hate that child as a stand alone human being.

JACKIE

(Laughing) You’ve never met the kid

MIKE

And I don’t want to. You can pack it in anyway, you hate IT just as much as I do.

JACKIE

I don’t hate HIM. I just tire of the stories as you well know. How are you anyway?

MIKE

Not so bad, bit of a hangover and not too happy about having to come in. I’m supposed to be in a lecture now.

JACKIE

Oh and you’ve never missed one of them to be in work before have you? You’ll only be here for half an hour anyway. We’ll get our P45s and be on our way.

MIKE

You think?

JACKIE

Oh I don’t know. I know I’m nervous and it’s making me hungry. (Starts to open a Toblerone)

MIKE

How did you get on at the docs?

JACKIE

Told me to be careful what I eat

MIKE

You get those Toblerones on prescription?

JACKIE

Piss off. I’d rather have the two bob bits every day than that gluten free bollocks or whatever nonsense they wanted me on.

MIKE

(Wincing and changing conversation) Where’s The Chuckle Brothers?

JACKIE

Five minutes before they’re due in.

(She nods towards strange man in the corner, sat on the stool staring at the newspapers on the boards, he is wearing an anorak, tight chinos, baseball cap and thick spectacles)

JACKIE (CONT’D)

Fruitcake is in though.

MIKE

(Shouting over) Alright Rain Man?

(Mike’s shout is met with no response)

MIKE (CONT’D)

He’s the only autistic bloke I know that’s absolutely shite at betting

JACKIE

He’s not really autistic though is he?

MIKE

Doubt it - just a bloody weirdo. He’s like these kids that the parents claim have ADHD – they’ve not got ADHD they’re just naughty little fuckers.

(Flushing of toilet is followed by CAROL returning)

CAROL

Have you seen the pics Mike?

MIKE

Yeah he’s a cheeky little sh....monkey isn’t he?

CAROL

Yeeeeeeeeah! (She stares dreamily at phone again) Which picture was your favourite?

MIKE

Oh they were all good. He’s growing up isn’t he?

CAROL

Oh but you must’ve had a favourite?

JACKIE

Yeah Mike what was your favourite picture?

MIKE

Oh I couldn’t choose a favourite Jacqueline

CAROL

Oh go on pick one Mike....oh the tea

(CAROL goes into the tiny kitchen five yards away as MIKE turns to JACKIE and mouths the words ‘HELP’. JACKIE proceeds to do a subtle impression of someone with one eye and a limp)

CAROL (CONT’D)

Here’s your tea Mike. So which was your favourite?

MIKE

The one where you were at the Paralympics, yeah I think that was my favourite

CAROL

Eh?

JACKIE

(Suppressing laughter) MY favourite was the one where Charlie was dressed up as a pirate.

MIKE

(Mouthing ‘fucking hell’) Yeah sorry the pirate one, that was really funny

CAROL

Aah yeah that one were good weren’t it? Another brew Jacks?

JACKIE

Yes please, just three sugars this time please

CAROL

Cutting down eh? Doctors orders I presume

(CAROL returns to the kitchen)

 

MIKE

(Whispering) I thought you were doing Oscar bloody Pistorius

JACKIE

(Whispering) I’d have done this for him (She gets onto her knees with difficulty and shuffles a couple of steps before simulating shooting a gun)

MIKE

That could’ve been any Tom Cruise film

CAROL

Oh I see Pinky & Perky are here

(Two men enter. BRIAN is a scruffy man who looks in his mid fifties. He looks like he needs a wash and has rubbish tattoos across his knuckles. He is accompanied by JIM - a smaller, grey haired, well dressed Irishman in his early seventies)

JIM

Morning ladies, gentlemen. Full house?

CAROL

He’s coming in today, big meeting.

BRIAN

Morning girls. You can put your chocolate down now as the sweetest thing you’ll have all day is here.

CAROL

I’ll stick to my éclairs thanks

BRIAN

(To JACKIE) Is that a Toblerone? Bastards they are. I lost three teeth to one of them once. Managed to blu tac a couple back in though. (Proceeds to show everyone his terrible set of teeth)

MIKE

Blu tac?

BRIAN

Aye. Just until I got to the dentist

MIKE

(Surprised) You’ve got a dentist?

BRIAN

Not yet

(Mike looks baffled)

JIM

What time is he due in?

JACKIE

Any minute now I think. I’m shitting myself

JIM

You needn’t worry Jackie. I spoke to Geraldine last week and she tells me that Nathaniel is going to keep the place going. It was Reg’s wish apparently that his only son would continue with the family business and she’s going to make sure that he keeps his dad’s wish.

CAROL

How is Geraldine?

JIM

She’s not great. She got back from the funeral in Ireland last Wednesday. She said to pass on her thanks for keeping the place going and for the flowers you sent.

CAROL

We won’t be keeping it going for much longer

MIKE

Don’t worry. Jim’s just said Geraldine’s gonna make him carry on

JACKIE

But he’s some right high-flier isn’t he? He’s got a bloody B-Tec or something. What’s he gonna want with a place like this?

 

 

MIKE

He’s got a doctorate from Oxford University and now he’s some investment banker isn’t he?

JIM

Something like that

MIKE

Got to be a millionaire then

BRIAN

A bloody banker? They all want burning

CAROL

Well you can tell him Brian, because he’s here

(NATHANIEL - A tall, handsome, well dressed man in an expensive suit enters the bookmakers with confidence. He immediately eyes the place up with a mixture of nostalgia and disgust. CAROL and JACKIE seem to be taken with his looks, BRIAN is transfixed with NATHANIEL as if looking upon an alien. MIKE giggles as NATHANIEL says hello to RAIN MAN in the corner who doesn’t even acknowledge his existence. MIKE lets NATHANIEL into the staff area as CAROL and JACKIE clear up the crumbs from their desks)

JACKIE

Hello love, can we get you a drink?

(NATHANIEL looks at the pile of manky mugs in the corner before precariously sitting down on a very low, crumbling office chair that refuses to heighten, leaving him looking upwards at his new staff)

NATHANIEL

No thank you. Let’s just get on with this then shall we? I’ll try and be quick and there’ll be no need to shut for lunch and lose money. Though it doesn’t look like that’d be a problem. You know why I’m he...

CAROL

(Interrupting) How’s your mum love?

 

 

NATHANIEL

(Taken aback) Pardon? Erm, she’s fine thanks....

CAROL

Carol

NATHANIEL

Carol...yes? (He looks at MIKE and JACKIE in hope of their names)

JACKIE

Jacqueline. (She offers her hand like a princess). You’ll not remember us love, but we remember you running around here with your snotty nose

CAROL

Aye, pretending to ride the Derby winner on that old broomstick

(NATHANIEL looks over to the broken broomstick in the corner of the bookmakers. He seems to be at odds with the nostalgia and amazed the broomstick is still there. He snaps out of it and looks at MIKE)

MIKE

Mike. (Cocky and offering hand) And you are?

NATHANIEL

(Not accepting handshake) Your new boss Nathaniel. Now let’s get down to it.

(NATHANIEL pauses as he senses the leering faces of BRIAN and JIM at the Perspex glass)

NATHANIEL (CONT’D)

This meeting is for staff only chaps. (Checking folder on his lap) We do only have three staff don’t we?

CAROL

Oh they’re harmless love, just two regulars Brian and Jim

NATHANIEL

Harmless or homeless?

 

BRIAN

You not remember me cockle? (NATHANIEL shakes head, looking a little scared) I knew your dad all his life, well no hang on not all his life, I knew him all my life, no hang on when did I start coming in here....yeah 1982 when I was sixteen

MIKE

(Flabbergasted) You’re only 46?

BRIAN

Eh?

JIM

Never in the memory of man are you forty six?

BRIAN

I am! At least I think I am (starts to count on fingers)

JIM

We knew your dad Nathaniel and he was a fine man (JIM removes his hat)

NATHANIEL

(Slightly irritated) Thanks. As I was saying let’s get down to it. Your jobs are safe as I’ve promised to keep the place on for mother’s sake.

BRIAN

(Loudly talking on large mobile) Mum! Mum! Yeah I’ll drop it round later. I know, I know your cream and the Fast & Furious 5 DVD.....how old am I mam? Right.....ok, yeah....ok. (Takes phone away from ear and addresses JIM) She’s just checking with my sister then she’s gonna ring me back.

CAROL

So you’re not closing the place?

NATHANIEL

Unfortunately not. (Still distracted by JIM and BRIAN’s presence) Gents can you go and study the form or whatever it is you do?

 

 

BRIAN

(Answering phone) Am I? Fucking hell!! Ok ta.....yeah I said I would didn’t I?....No you fuck off. (BRIAN puts the phone down then mutters to himself) Arsehole she is. (To MIKE) Mam says I’m 49

MIKE

You still look older

(JIM catches sight of NATHANIEL looking despondent)

JIM
Come on Brian, Kempton looks good today. (Addresses NATHANIEL) You are staying open though that’s right isn’t it?

(NATHANIEL nods wearily as JIM escorts BRIAN away)

BRIAN

Could’ve sworn I was 46 Jim, where did those 3 years go eh?

JIM

Strangeways

BRIAN

Oh aye. (Mutters) You’d think God wouldn’t miss a bit of lead

NATHANIEL

Listen I’m not happy about taking on this place. It was my dad’s wish and a lot of emotional blackmail from my mother which means I’ve GOT to take this place on until I can finally pass it onto my poor children.

(CAROL has her hand up)

NATHANIEL (CONT’D)

Yes Jacqueline

CAROL

Carol

NATHANIEL

Carol sorry

 

CAROL

Have you got any kids?

NATHANIEL

Erm I’m sorry? (pause) No I haven’t, I meant in the fut…

CAROL

Are you married?

NATHANIEL

This is a bit personal and I’m not sure what it has to do.....no I’m not married

JACKIE

Ooh free and single eh? No abusing your position as boss now.

(JACKIE winks at a horrified NATHANIEL as BRIAN looks over jealously)

CAROL

No girlfriend then?

NATHANIEL

Listen ladies we’re here to disc...

BRIAN

(Shouting) Are you bent?

NATHANIEL

Listen! None of this really matters....Jesus!

JACKIE

(Crossing herself) Please don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, not in my place of work

NATHANIEL

(Losing patience) Which is a betting shop! Anyway, sorry. Let’s just forget my private life, I’m not married and have no children.

BRIAN

(Shouting) Definite fruit

 

NATHANIEL (CONT’D)

If you must know I have a soon to be ex-girlfriend as she no longer thinks I’m of sound mind to give up my new seven figure salary and life in Knightsbridge to come back here at the behest of my mother and try and run this.....this shithole

CAROL

Shithole? (She looks at MIKE pleadingly)

MIKE

(Nodding) It is a shithole

NATHANIEL

Look people I don’t want to be here anymore than you want me here and I’m aware you’d much rather have my dad back. I’ve promised to keep this place going and I keep my promises. Luckily for you the betting industry at the minute is big, big business and big, big business is what drives me on. This industry is one of only a few growing at the minute and it’s growing at a remarkable rate – as it’s preying on a species that is spreading like wildfire – those that are greedy, desperate and unintelligent.

(NATHANIEL’S eyes lead to BRIAN and JIM)

BRIAN

I’m telling you Jim – those adverts keep saying there’s more bacteria and bugs on your kitchen surfaces than in your bathroom – so do what me mam does and make your butties on your bog seat.

(JIM is reading his Racing Post and ignoring BRIAN)

NATHANIEL (CONT’D)

So this is where the money is and I’m up for the challenge if you are? We’re going to turn this two-bit operation into a high street chain of cash cows. We’re gonna turn these books upside down.

CAROL

I don’t think your dad would like to hear this place being called a two bit operation

JACKIE

Yeah your dad worked hard at this place, put you through boarding school

NATHANIEL

Well he’s clearly not been putting much effort in recently

JACKIE

He had a stroke love

NATHANIEL

A fortnight ago! He didn’t have it in 1986! I mean just look at this place. Where are your football coupons? Your machines, roulette etc? You’ve not even got the racing cards up for Ffos Las today?

CAROL

No, your dad didn’t like all that foreign racing

NATHANIEL

It’s in Wales. Tony McCoy is riding there today, big races. Look at your television? Where’s your live streaming? Your lotteries? Your special offers? Your hot food and drink?

MIKE

We have Simon

CAROL

Yeah Simon

NATHANIEL

Simon?

CAROL

Well we’re not sure if his real name is Simon but he brings in the leftover pies from the market at dinnertime

JACKIE

Simon The Pieman!

NATHANIEL

And does this Simon stock a wide range of fine Danish pastries and coffees in the mornings? Croissants perhaps?

MIKE

Well a lot of his butties are very curly

 

NATHANIEL

I mean WHAT is on that television right now?

CAROL

The Wright Stuff

JACKIE

Yeah we like that

CAROL

Oh Jacks what is Simon’s real name?

JACKIE

Oh I can’t remember now. I was with his mum on the number 76 a few months ago and she mentioned it.....but I’ve forgotten it now. Hey that bloody number 76 has changed its route you know, it doesn’t go down Tannery Lane but goes all round the houses, past the cemetery....

NATHANIEL

(Interrupting) That television should only be showing things that people can bet on – it should be enticing them to the counter

MIKE

Well we could take bets on Matthew Wright making a cock of himself.

(NATHANIEL fixes MIKE with a stern look)

MIKE (CONT’D)

It’s only set up for Freeview, we get the racing on Channel 4 some days and always on a Saturday.

NATHANIEL

You’ve not even got The Racing Channel – listen things have got to change and quickly

MIKE

(Gesturing to JIM and BRIAN) Well those two won’t be happy if you get rid of Countdown. Rachel Riley’s arse is the highlight of their day.

 

 

NATHANIEL

Well as I said there will be big changes and no hanging about. This place needs dragging into the 21st Century and quickly.

MIKE

You’ll have to drag it into the 20th first

JACKIE

So what does that mean?

NATHANIEL

It means an extensive refurbishment to start with

CAROL

Oh no not the carpet – I love that carpet – I got the offcuts for my front room. It’s served me well for 15 years

NATHANIEL

(Looking around) I will be stripping the place

CAROL

Can I have the carpet then?

NATHANIEL

(Distant, still surveying the room) You can have whatever you like

CAROL

Oh lovely that’s my dining room sorted

JACKIE

Bagsy the toilet roll holder and that little bin that’s in the bogs

(NATHANIEL, CAROL & JACKIE look at MIKE)

MIKE

I’m good thanks – even my student flat wouldn’t want anything from here

 

 

JACKIE

Hang on how long is this refurbishment going to take?

NATHANIEL

(Sucking teeth) I reckon I’ll call in a few favours but 2 to 3 weeks to do it right

JACKIE

Whoa whoa you can’t close for 2-3 weeks! What on earth are we going to do?

CAROL

Aye this place has survived a long time before you came along lad, this place has character, there’s just no need for it.

MIKE

They always say that about people though don’t they?

JACKIE

What?

MIKE

That so and so is a ‘right character’ which basically means he’s a complete wanker

CAROL

Oh no my Frank calls our Charlie a little character and he’s certainly is one.

MIKE

Oh yes you’re not wrong there

(CAROL looks very proud)

JACKIE

Oh I can’t cope without pay for 3 weeks

MIKE

Oh shit, I was wanting to get that new amp

JACKIE

You can’t just come in here throwing your weight about...

 

NATHANIEL

(Wearily) You’ll be on full pay whilst the work is carried out

JACKIE

Aye suppose the old place does need a lick of paint doesn’t it?

CAROL

Oooh can I have one of those ergonomic chairs for my bad back?

MIKE

(Under breath) For your fat arse more like

(BRIAN and JIM edge over to the counter looking very concerned)

NATHANIEL

Anyway, I’ll be back later in the week and I’ll have some definite dates for the refurbishment and I’ll be asking you all for your input into how we take this place forward ok? So I’ll leave you for now and I’ll be in touch. Have a good day folks, nice to have met you.

(NATHANIEL puts his folder in his briefcase and gets up to leave. He looks worried as he walks past BRIAN and JIM whose eyes follow him out of the building)

MIKE

Right I’m off now as well

CAROL

What straight off? We not going to discuss things?

MIKE

I’m jamming with the boys in a bit

JACKIE

Thought you were supposed to be at a lecture?

MIKE

Same thing

JACKIE

You in tomorrow with me then Mike?

MIKE

(Putting on moped helmet) Yeah think so, if we’re not closed

BRIAN

(Talking to JIM) Told you

JIM

Did we hear right over there about closing because he swore to me that you definitely wouldn’t be closing.

CAROL

Only temporarily he said, he’s going to refurnace the place

JIM

Oh it’ll lose all its charm

CAROL

That’s what I said

JACKIE

I don’t think we’ll be allowed to smoke in the bogs anymore

BRIAN

Oh I’m not going bloody outside, I’m not having that

JACKIE

Well the way he was talking he’s bound to want that smoke detector going back up

BRIAN

Took me ages to dismantle that stubborn bastard

JACKIE

Your mum makes you go outside at home doesn’t she?

BRIAN

(Offended) Fuck off! I’m master of my own house, she wouldn’t dare tell me to go outside, I’d knock her out.

 

MIKE

(Heading for the door) Son of the year! Well you could try giving up Bri?

BRIAN

Piss off, I’m never giving up smoking or shagging

MIKE

Your mum makes you go outside for that as well does she?

BRIAN

Cheeky bleeder, you know nowt. I had a bird round last Friday didn’t I Jim?

JIM

(Reading newspaper) I know you said Brian

BRIAN

Mum was at her mate Mavis’, dirty cow she was

JIM

Yeah Mavis you said

BRIAN

No, not Mavis – she’s got a false hip....and a false knee – be like shagging Robocop.

JIM

Aye it’s a great film so it is

BRIAN

Oh this bird was a right goer, 69 and everything

(RAIN MAN in the corner lifts his head up to creepily listen in)

MIKE

Didn’t think you’d be able to get into the 69 position Brian with all your injuries

BRIAN

No she was 69. Definitely her own hair and teeth though

 

JACKIE

Christ, I bet Harry Styles can’t stand the competition

BRIAN

What do the kids call em, muffs or something?

MIKE

(Laughing) MILFS you mean?

BRIAN

Aye that’s it – she were a right MILF

MIKE

I think that only applies if someone my age says it Brian – if someone 49 is calling her a MILF then she’s clearly more of a GILF or a GGILF....either way it’s wrong Brian

CAROL

She could’ve been one of those cougars I suppose

JACKIE

Well either bloody way Mike’s right – it’s wrong!!

BRIAN

She were bloody wrong too, you’d like to get wrong with me as well wouldn’t you Jackie love?

(BRIAN winks at JACKIE)

MIKE

Good god, the quicker he closes this place down the better. See you tomorrow.

(MIKE exits – FADE OUT)

 

INT.    REG MCMANUS BOOKMAKERS     DAY 1 - 14.00

(FADE IN)

JIM and BRIAN are watching a race on the television, clutching a betting slip each

 

JIM

How did you get on with that graffiti on the side of your house?

BRIAN

Oh my mam rang the council about it, they said they would come and clean it off within the next fortnight but if the graffiti was racist or homophobic then they’d come the same day.

JIM

Political correctness eh? Makes you wonder what you pay you council tax for? It’s still there then I take it?

BRIAN

No, I went outside, sprayed ‘GO HOME BLACK POOFS’ over it and rang em back, it was gone by 4 o’clock. Cheeky bastard had a pop at my spelling though.

(The TELEVISION declares a winner in the horse race and BRIAN and JIM both rip up their betting slips)

BRIAN

6/4 favourite that Jim, last by a bloody mile. Down to my last quid here

JIM

Well don’t go betting it on Countdown again, you know what happened yesterday

BRIAN

Oh come on Jim, even you thought he’d walk it. Little 11 year old Asian fella in a bowtie and glasses against that old girl from Walsall? There was only one winner there.

JIM

Aye and it was Doreen

BRIAN

I wasn’t to know Gupta was thick as mince. Well I’m not betting on it today, I’m just going to admire Rachel’s cracking arse. Well maybe I’ll bet on the conundrum.

JIM

But the odds Brian? It’s a million to one to guess what the conundrum might be before they show it and the girls only give you 50/1

 

BRIAN

I was close last week, it began with an A

JIM

That’s where the similarities ended Brian, yours only had 8 letters

BRIAN

9

JIM

No 8 – you forgot to add the S and let’s be honest it was highly unlikely it was going to be ARSEHOLES anyway so it was?

BRIAN

It would’ve been in Whiteley’s day, he’d let any old filth go – remember the wankers one?

JIM

Stop it

(Enter SIMON who is a very large, bald, baby faced man in his late twenties. He is dressed in butcher’s clothes and his apron and whites are splattered in copious amounts of blood. He has a tray in front of him that is strapped over his shoulders which carries twenty or so battered looking pies. He is accompanied by a mean looking dog)

SIMON

Afternoon gang

(SIMON let’s go of the dog which goes straight up to a terrified JIM)

JACKIE

Hiya Simon love

CAROL

Thank god you’re here. I was even contemplating these snack-a-bastard-jacks – they’ve been coming to work with me for the past 6 months – not sure they’re even still in date.

JIM

Get this bloody dog off me

 

SIMON

Jim! You know he’s harmless

(The dog begins to take an interest in BRIAN who is equally as scared as JIM and the two men cling to each other as it jumps up at them)

BRIAN

Oh I don’t know Si, he’s always a bit jumpy

SIMON

He’s just friendly, he doesn’t bite

JIM

I hate it when dog owners say that – he doesn’t bite YOU, YOU fecking feed him

SIMON

Rooney come here!

(SIMON throws a pie off his tray into the corner of the room where the dog follows. JIM and BRIAN slowly release their grip on each other)

JIM

He won’t be able to come in here for much longer anyway

SIMON

What? Health & Safety aren’t due back are they? They don’t worry me – anyway Jackie’ll just give em the tit again

(JACKIE blushes slightly and drops down her blouse slightly to reveal the top of her massive bosom. BRIAN salivates)

JACKIE

No not health and safety Si – new owners isn’t it? Reg’s son Nathaniel has taken over and he’s got big ideas.

SIMON

Oh! Am I going to have to start expanding my range of pies? (Looks down at tray) Suppose I could go to a cheese & onion at a push

CAROL

Never mind that, come on Si what’ve you got? I could eat a scabby dog

JIM

(Looking at Rooney) Please do

SIMON

What’s he like? Am I gonna have to start wearing a suit?

JACKIE

You’ll be wearing a body bag if you don’t get those bastard pies over here right now

CAROL

Give us two m&p please love

JACKIE

What crisps have you got?

SIMON

(Emptying pockets of bloodied jacket) Erm...smokey bacon, cheese & onion and salt and vinegar....oh and a bag of Skips

CAROL

Two smokey bacon please

JACKIE

Aye I’ll have the same Si love, 2 smokey bacon and 2 m&p. No make that one smokey bacon and I’ll have those Skips, better be good like the doctor says.

SIMON

That’s £3 each girls

CAROL

Whoa! Whoa! (Squeezing packet of crisps) These crisps are multi-pack – you been in your cupboard at home again? Sod all in these multi-pack ones – they’re basically half a bag. You can have £5 for the both of us and think yourself lucky you robbing get.

SIMON

There’s a recession on, crisp packets are getting smaller

JACKIE

Here’s your fiver now that’s yer lot

SIMON

Sheesh! So what’s Reg’s lad like? Your job’s safe?

JACKIE

He seems nice enough – not sure if he’s bitten off more than he can chew mind

BRIAN

(Shouting) He’s a shirt lifter

CAROL

(Ignoring Brian) He’s not got a bastard clue! Frothy coffees and Danish pastries? This place is a bookies and it’s done alright for the past 30 odd years. We’ll be getting all those snotty sods from that new estate coming in talking about bloody humus and programmes on BBC2.

SIMON

Aye it’s a smashing place this, why change it?

JIM

Give us a pie please Simon

SIMON

Meat and potato?

JIM

(Sarcastically) Got anything else?

SIMON

(Studies his tray in earnest for a while) No! Quid please

JIM

Thought not

SIMON

You Brian?

BRIAN

It’s my last quid...can I...

 

SIMON

No tick Brian you know that

JIM

Don’t look at me – never a borrower nor a scrounging bastard be

BRIAN

Aye go on then give us a pie – I’ll nip home and get some cash off me mam later

SIMON

So what’s his plans for this place then?

JIM

Well just getting some of those fancy machines in and the like and tart it up a bit I think

SIMON

Some dolly birds behind the counter?

CAROL

(Mouthful of pie) What are you trying to say?

BRIAN

You dishin my girls?

SIMON

Dishin? No homie I wasn’t

(JIM throws the remainder of his pie into the opposing corner of the shop as he has noticed ROONEY finish his pie and JIM wants to study the form in the corner ROONEY was previously occupying)

BRIAN

They’re gorgeous these two girls

CAROL

(Giddy) Oooh we’ve not been called girls in a while have we Jacks?

JACKIE

Thanks Brian love

BRIAN

(Cocksure) Don’t mention it ladies. I mean come on Si – bit of a tit lift each and they’d be bob on

SIMON

Geoff Capes couldn’t lift those buggers

(Things are about to erupt when JIM interrupts)

JIM

BRIAN! BRIAN! Get over here man, quick!

BRIAN

What is it Jim?

(BRIAN slowly follows JIM’s finger on the board)

BRIAN (CONT’D)

Who hoo, that’s a bloody winner is that!

JIM

Come on it’s off in three minutes

JACKIE

What is it?

BRIAN

2.10 at Yarmouth – Brian’s Bullet and it’s got Keiron Fallon on it.

JACKIE

Hey it’s 9/1 here Brian

BRIAN

(Digging in pockets) Shit that was my last quid

JIM

I told you don’t look at me

BRIAN

(Desperate) I don’t want this pie – can I have my money back?

SIMON

No you’ve mauled the bloody thing, no refunds

BRIAN

Here this is worth a quid – can I put it on Jacks?

JACKIE

Don’t be ridiculous

BRIAN

Oh come on, please

JACKIE

For a start you’ve had a bleedin bite out of it and after what you said about our tits you can piss off

BRIAN

But it’s off in 2 minutes!!

JACKIE

What do you want us to pay you out in if it wins? Ten pies?

BRIAN

No, it’s worth a quid so take it as a quid

JACKIE

I don’t think Nathaniel would be too happy when he comes in to see the day’s takings and I hand him a half eaten pie

BRIAN

Carol?

CAROL

Need a tit job was it? Anyway it’s not legal tender

JIM

His pies are never tender

 

SIMON

Hey that’s top quality meat that is

JIM

About as top quality as a Findus Lasagne. Desert Orchid has more beef in it than those pies

SIMON

Well you can have your expressos and paganinis instead then. Come on Rooney we’re off.

(SIMON and ROONEY exit the premises)

BRIAN

Come on it counts as a stake! Hey yeah stake you see and this is a steak pie so you’ve got to take it

CAROL

It’s meat and potato, now stop being a clown

JACKIE

The race is off now anyway so take your pie off the counter – bloody crumbs everywhere

CAROL

It’s on Channel 4 so you can turn Loose Women over and watch it if you want. Her that was married to Reg Holdsworth is getting on my tits anyway.

BRIAN

(Biting pie dismissively) Don’t bloody want to watch it now

(JIM turns to the TV over with the broom handle to hear the closing stages of Brian’s Bullet romping home to a ten lengths victory. Brian looks in disgust at the last mouthful of pie and throws it in anger towards the front door. It flies past a well dressed man in his mid-twenties who is too desperate to get to the counter to notice the pie fly past his head. The man is fair haired and good looking and has a stethoscope around his neck. Flashing blue lights are visible through the frosted glass door.)

DOCTOR

£10 on Sheffield Hysterical in the 2.30 at Worcester please

JIM

Is that an ambulance outside?

JACKIE

Certainly Doctor Parkes, how are we today?

CAROL

Doctor – I’ve been meaning to ask you about my erm.....droppage

DOCTOR

I’m in a rush today ladies, could you just put this bet.....droppage?

CAROL

Yeah you know (Nods downwards) droppage

(Doctor Parkes continues to look confused)

JACKIE

Her tuppence has lost its fight with gravity

CAROL

My Volvo is driving south

DOCTOR

Volvo? Look...erm Mrs....Mrs King could you make an appointment with the receptionist and I’ll be glad to take a look at your Vol...to discuss your concerns. I’ll have to dash.

(DOCTOR PARKES grabs the betting slip from JACKIE and races for the door, as he opens the door we can hear him shouting ‘SORRY MRS PURVES, OK LET’S GO’ followed by the sound of sirens and the blue flashing lights disappear)

CAROL

(Dreamily) Mrs King he called me! Did you hear that? So formal and to think he’s gonna be rummaging around my knackered lovebox.

JIM

(Looking out of the window at the disappearing ambulance) I think that lad has a betting problem

 

BRIAN

Yeah you two going all gooey over him when he’s got a betting problem

JACKIE

I’m sorry? Who was that who just tried to place a bet with 50% of a pie?

CAROL

Yeah the day Doctor Parkes tries to gamble with half eaten pastry goods you can criticise

JACKIE

He could offer me his meat any day

(JACKIE and CAROL cackle)

BRIAN

(Grabbing his crotch and thrusting) He wouldn’t know what to do with it!

CAROL

And you do – do you?

BRIAN

Want to find out?

CAROL

No I’ll die in blissful ignorance thank you very much – besides your mum may interrupt us

BRIAN

No she won’t (pause) I’ll put her extra pills in her Horlicks

JIM

(Misty eyed) He was lovely when our Bridie passed away – did absolutely everything he could.

JACKIE

Have you been up to see her recently Jim love?

 

 

JIM

Well I was going up every week but they stopped the number 28 bus now so I don’t know what I’m going to do

JACKIE

Oh you just let me know Jim and I’ll give you a lift up

JIM

That’s grand of you, you’re an angel so you are Jacqueline

(Phone rings)

CAROL

What’s that?

JACKIE

Is it your mobile?

CAROL

No when that rings it’s our Charlie singing Gangnam Style, do you remember?

JACKIE

Oh yes can’t believe I forgot

CAROL

It’s coming from over here

(CAROL starts shuffling lots of paper on the desk before finally uncovering an old telephone in the corner)

CAROL (CONT’D)

Hey bloody hell I never knew this was still here, what shall I do?

JACKIE

Answer it

 

 

 

CAROL

Hello? Yes! Hello Nathaniel love. (To others) It’s Nathaniel! (Returning to phone) What’s up? Yeah....yeah....course I will cock – yep.....yep....you take care of yourself now – give my love to your mum (adopts sultry voice) and save some for yourself. (CAROL looks quizzically at the phone) He’s been cut off.

JACKIE

What did he want?

CAROL

He’s giving us a date for refu....refur....for tarting it up. He’s starting a week tomorrow

BRIAN

Bloody hell that’s quick

JIM

He didn’t become a millionaire by letting the grass grow over his Italian brogues did he?

JACKIE

Oh well we better start thinking of ways to say goodbye to this old place

CAROL

I wonder how it’s going to look?

BRIAN

I’m going for a shit...and a fag

JACKIE

Well push that bloody window right open

CAROL

Oh god he’s on the move

(RAINMAN is slowly getting off his stool, double checking his betting slip and walks very, very slowly towards the counter with all eyes upon him)

JIM

What nonsense is it going to be today?

 

JACKIE

Lord only knows but I think Nathaniel will end up barring him

JIM

When was the last time you were able to take one of his bets?

CAROL

Oh we take em all these days – they pay for our dinners. (CAROL points to a jam jar filled with pound coins and silver with a sticker on it that reads ‘RAIN MAN’S BETS). He’s none the bloody wiser.

RAINMAN

(Strange low voice) Royal baby

(RAINMAN pushes the slip across to JACKIE who examines it looking surprised)

CAROL

What’s he gone for the name of the baby?

JIM

That’s quite normal, you’ll have to take that bet

JACKIE

Is that what you want love, to guess the name of Kate and Wills’ baby? What name do you want put money on? Or is it just the sex?

RAINMAN

No, coloured

CAROL

What?

RAINMAN

£1 on the baby being black

BRIAN

(Returning from toilet) I’ve blocked the bogs

JACKIE

Jesus Christ (Crossing herself)

 

THE END

Comedy Type:

Script Length: 10-30m
Humor Type: Dry / Sarcastic
Post date: Fri, 05/19/2017 - 02:19
Script Market: Public

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domwire1975
Comedy set in a bookmakers in the North of England

10-30m Sitcoms/Stage Plays - Better Days