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Words of Wisdom from an Unemployed Over-Achiever

Words of Wisdom from an Unemployed Over-Achiever

(5m)   by Ed
 

Comedy Monologues   (5411 Views 0 Comments)

I've been unemployed for so long that Monster.com has me listed as a cold case file ...

I had to get rid of the last resume writer I hired. I mean really, what good is a writer if he can't come up with his own material?

My resume is in rough shape. Last time I copied it to Twitter, I lost so many followers that Twitter had to give me an overdraft account ...

I just finished applying to all the jobs on Monster.com and wouldn't you know it? The guy who needs a liver calls ....

"I'm calling for the IT job .. yes I know this is a funeral home - don't you have computers? .. What happens when one dies? Ha Ha .. hello?"

Its been tough trying to find the right resume writer for me. Apparently, Stephen King is not available ...

Jeez, I need a new career adviser. The last interview she sent me to ended up being a trial for a new line of taser guns ...

Unemployment has everyone on edge. When I asked my neighbor if she needed help moving her piano, she told me to get my own job ...

When you're unemployed, it shows. Last week I asked some psychic to guess my weight. Instead he guessed how long I'd been unemployed ...

I've had tough luck with my resume. Last week I got a rejection letter from Apple. Two days later, their recycle company sent me one too ...

My cover letter may need some work. Recently I applied to Hallmark Cards and now excerpts are printed in their new line of sympathy cards ..

Its tough getting a job at EA Sports. I must have applied at least 100 times. Last week the cops showed up with a restraining order ...

You know, my resume could use some work. Last resume I sent to United Movers, they charged me disposal fees ...

I always had a tough time getting a job. When I was a kid, I asked my dad if he'd give me money to cut the grass. He asked for references ..

MAN ON BUS: Jeez, I feel like I've been kidnapped, beaten & thrown from a moving car ME: Did you get that job Interview with Sony too?

Got an interview with meals-on-wheels today. Hopefully they cover my taxi fare ...

Where i grew up, job hunting was real tough. I mean, back then we never had things like 'rejection letters'. They were called 'drive bys'.

In this economy, its tough holding down a job. In fact, just last week, I was laid off from jury duty ...

For most IT jobs, I'm definitely over-qualified. Its the "seeking highly motivated individual" part I need to work on ...

I never know what to wear to interviews anymore. When I showed up at IBM today, they told me the Girl Guides had already been by last week.

That's odd. I just had the American Management Association follow me on Twitter. Every time I sign up for membership they send me a pink slip ...

I don't do too good on job screening tests either. Last one I took for a mall security job, they arrested me for loitering ...

I was on the short list for a job at Dunkin Donuts recently. Actually, the short list was the group they eliminated first ...

You know, the unemployment office isn't that bad really. In fact, just last week they made me 'Unemployee of the Month' ...

its been tough finding a job in product testing. Today I showed up at Trojan and they wouldn't even let me in the building ...

INTERVIEWER AT Starbucks: How do you make a latte?  ME: With a Latte machine. Jeez.

I ordered a book from eBay called, "Easy Money With eBay". When I finally got it, it only had 1 page that said, "Thank you." ...

The manager at Office Depot asked if I brought my resume to the store. ME: "So you're hiring?" HIM: "No, we're testing shredders today" ...

Is it me or it is just plain odd when some guy standing next to me at the unemployment office asks "So, what do you do for a living?"

You know, I've never been hired on a Friday before. Come to think of it, Saturday thru Thursday haven't been great days either.

MAN ON BUS: "Where I live, the unemployment rate has jumped to 11.5%!!" ME: "That's nothing ... at my house its 100%"

My career advisor told me I needed to do more "personal branding". Not sure how it helps but I went and got the tattoos anyway ...

Just applied to a job at Twitter and I'm feeling pretty good about it. My resume easily fit within the 140 character limit ...

My career adviser keeps on about my poor track record with interviews. She has no idea. I mean, so far I've done ok on exit interviews ...

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? ME: Laid off from your company ...

The interviewer at Google asked me, "How many smarties does it take to fill a bus". Its hard telling people why I'm still unemployed ...

Tried to get a job at the unemployment office but they told me I was overqualified ...

I took an online career evaluation test today and found out I was qualified for a job in health care .... as an organ donor.

I've been unemployed for so long that the last time I got paid they gave me two ducks and a goat ...

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any experience in Product Management? ME: Are you kidding? Come check my fridge. It never runs out of beer.

I've been unemployed for so long that LinkedIn has my most recent job experience listed under, "This day in history ..."

Tried to get a job with Census but according to their latest office poll, I have a less than 1% chance of getting it ...

INTERVIEWER: We'll match what you're making now ME: But I'm unemployed INTERVIEWER: Right, something around that number ...

I hate the interview question, "What do you look for in a job?" because apparently, "Pay and holidays" is the wrong answer ....

ME: So what's the longest anyone's been unemployed around here? UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE: We'll let you know as soon as you get a job ...

The toughest interview question I usually get is, "Do you realize you are 20 minutes late?" I never know whether to answer yes or no ..

Comedy Type:

Script Length: 5m
Humor Type: Dry / Sarcastic
Post date: Wed, 05/31/2017 - 23:46
Script Market: Public

Copyright Statement

Author's Message

While I am waiting in corporate lobbies and passing time at an Unemployment office, I can be hired at a reasonable rate to write: - blog posts, - Trump-friendly news articles, - letters to your office on why you can't come to work today, - politically-incorrect and off-color sketches for HR meetings Or anything else that needs to be spruced up with an overabundance of optimism (which, by the way, is in extremely short supply these days.Consider yourself lucky. I'm here for you). I can be reached at ed.interview@gmail.com.


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5m Comedy Monologues - Words of Wisdom from an Unemployed Over-Achiever