HALF DAY CLOSING
BY CLIVE WARD
Synopsis
Brian and Dudley are a couple of working class married guys who are sick of having no money so they decide to break the law and rob a bank, but the robbery goes drastically wrong which in turn changes their lives forever.
The Characters (main characters in bold)
DUDLEY (Male late twenties slow)
JANET (Brian’s wife pregnant moody)
TERRY (Neighbour gang member)
PAULINE (Terry’s wife slow)
FARMER (EX SPECIAL FORCES)
BRIAN (Male mid thirties fat)
SCENE 1. INT BRIAN’S HOUSE
SCENE 4. INT PUB
BRIAN IS AT THE BAR DUDLEY IS SITTING DOWN AT A TABLE DUMB STRUCK.
BRIAN
Here get that down your neck.
DUDLEY IS STILL STARING AT THE WALL
DUDLEY
It’s her birthday on Saturday I promised I'd take her to Spain for a fortnight I can’t even afford a day trip to Skegness.
BRIAN
For crying out loud cheer up will you it’s not the end of the world.
DUDLEY HANDS BRIAN A LETTER
DUDLEY
Here read this. The bastards have sacked me.
BRIAN
Sacked? But you never had a job in the first place. ….Oh you mean they’ve stopped your benefits.
DUDLEY
They can’t just stop my money like that. Can they? I'm a model government statistic me if it weren't for honest dossers like me there'd be no such thing as unemployment figures. It's folk like me who keep those bums at the social security offices in a job they can't stop my money; I've done nothing wrong!
BRIAN
According to this letter you've done everything wrong! Late signing on, forgetting to sign on, not turning up for interviews, failing to turn up for the job club, it's your own fault Dudley they've simply had enough of you
DUDLEY
I cant help being late and missing my signing time, half ten in the morning what do they expect I need my beauty sleep and that's bollocks I went to an interview last Friday what're they talking about.
BRIAN
Police interrogations about handling illegal pornographic videos don’t count Dudley.
DUDLEY
Right that’s it I’m going to find a job!
BRIAN
Don’t be ridiculous where are you going to find a job nowadays that doesn't involve work… and if you do find work it wont be an instant cure will it. I've got more bills than a lake full of ducks… no! What we need is instant cash.
DUDLEY
I’ve got a fiver. We could buy some scratch cards, you never know.
THE LOCAL CON MAN DODGEY BLOKE TAPS BRIAN ON THE SHOULDER HE’S CARRYING A SPORTS BAG.
D B
Hello boys I couldn’t help over hearing if its instant cash you want feast your eyes on this lot
BRIAN
Get lost we’re not interested
D B
So you're not interested in earning a few bob then?
BRIAN
No sod off
DUDLEY
Not after last time when you flogged us fifty lighters for a tenner and we ended up with a box of matches!
D B
Yeah but you ended up with your lighters in the end and if I remember you made a right killing selling them on
BRIAN
We made a killing alright they put three people in hospital they were flame throwers not lighters
D B OPENS HIS SPORTS BAG TO REVEAL DOZENS OF CD’S AND PLACES THEM ON THE TABLE
D B
Feast your eyes on these
BRIAN
Like I said we’re not interested
D B
Come on lads you could shift this lot, men with your sales techniques top quality these are
DUDLEY STARTS TO TAKE INTEREST AND PICKS ONE UP
BRIAN
Top quality you say
DODGY BLOKE
That’s what I said no rubbish here pal there's all your top artists on there
DUDLEY
Hold on a minute Top hits 2008 they sound a bit dodgy to me
DODGY BLOKE STARTS TO WHISPER
D B
Shhhhhh… most of these tracks haven't even been released yet they'll go like hot cakes
BRIAN IS GETTING MAD AND STARTS TO RAISE HIS VOICE
BRIAN
These tracks haven’t even been sung yet for the last time we’re not interested go away
DB
O.k. ok I get the message your loss.
DUDLEY
Calm down Bri he’s only trying to make a few quid like us
BRIAN
A few quid I’m not interested in a few quid I want to make some real money
DUDLEY
The only way we’re going do that is rob a bank.
BRIAN
Sounds good to me
DUDLEY
Ok lets go… what? Are you serious?
BRIAN
Well you mentioned it and why not? We'll only have to do it once and all our problems will be over.
DUDLEY
Rob a bank! I don’t know about that Brian
BRIAN
Shush! Tell the whole pub why don’t yer!
DUDLEY
But we don’t know the first thing about robbing banks
BRIAN
O.k. o.k. forget it…forget I even mentioned it… it’s a stupid idea…
THEY BOTH TAKE A DRINK OF THEIR BEERS TOGETHER
DUDLEY
Only the once you say
BRIAN
I knew you’d come round
DUDLEY
Hold your horses I haven't said I'll do it yet.
BRIAN
We're only going to rob the rich to give it to the poor
DUDLEY
Give it away to the poor… what's the point in that, that’s stupid
BRIAN
I meant us we’re the poor come on drink up we’ve got some planning to do, we'll go round my house where it's a bit quieter.
SCENE 5. INT PUB LOUNGE
IN THE LOUNGE THE REAL BANK ROBBERS ARE GOING THROUGH THEIR PLAN
MICKEY
Right lets go through it one more time, as soon as the security wagon stops and the guard gets out on my signal Spike and Bung you pull in front, Me and Tez will pull up behind blocking it in. Tez it’s your job to grab the guard and we all know the rest, we've done it before… Are you listening to me Tez?
TEZ
Err yes boss
BRIAN AND DUDLEY WALK PAST THE GANG ON THE WAY TO THE BAR
DUDLEY
Hi Tez missus let you out has she?
TEZ GIVES DUDLEY A DIRTY LOOK
MICKEY
Who the hells that dickhead? Ah I hope he wasn’t eaves dropping.
TEZ
Who Dudley…nah even if he did he’d have forgot it by now he’s got the memory of a gold fish.
MICKEY
So Tez explain to me your roll in this robbery
TEZ
Err… can you run through it again?
ALL THE OTHER’S ROLL UP LAUGHING
MICKEY
Come on guys the time for laughing is over this is our last job and it should set us all up for life.
BUNG
So how much do you reckon will be in that van then Mickey
MICKEY
I’ll tell you what I’ll phone them up and ask them shall I… I don’t bloody know a lot, over a million it’ll be picking up all day ours is its last stop.
DODGY BLOKE WALKS UP TO THE GANG
DG
Hello boys any of you lot interested in….
THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
ALL
PISS OFF
BAZ AND DUDLEY ARE ON THEIR WAY OUT OF THE PUB AND ARE MET BY JANET WITH THE KIDS
BRIAN
Janet!
JANET
I thought I’d find you here I think you’ll find these are yours.
SHE HANDS OVER THE KIDS TO BRIAN
JANET
I’m off out someone’s got to try and bring some money into the house
BRIAN
You’ve got a job then?
JANET
No I’m off to bingo I need a break see you later.
THE REAL ROBBERS WALK PAST BRIAN AND DUDLEY
TEZ
She’s got you two well trained
TEZ AND THE LADS LAUGH AT THEM AS THEY WALK AWAY
BRIAN
I don’t get it that lot have never done a days work in their lives but they’ve always got money and drive flash cars.
DUDLEY
Not to worry Bri we’ll soon have more than they’ll ever dream about, come on lets get planning especially now we’ve got 2 new gang members.
JAKE IS POINTING A TOY GUN AT THEM
JAKE
Bang you’re dead.
SCENE 6. INT BRIAN’S HOUSE
BACK AT BRIAN'S HOUSE BRIAN HAS A NOTE BOOK THEY ARE DRINKING BEER THE CHILDREN ARE IN THE BACKGROUND.
BRIAN
So what are we going to need to rob a bank? Number one. A car.
DUDLEY
You can forget it if your thinking of using mine.
BRIAN
Are you totally thick or what? You don’t use your own car when you rob a bank… we'll have to steal one.
DUDLEY
Steal one! What if we get caught? Can’t we just borrow one? I'll ask my mate Phil who lives on the corner; I'm sure he wont mind.
BRIAN
…You’re right I think this is a bad idea
DUDLEY(LAUGHING)
What’s wrong with that?
BRIAN
For one Phil’s a copper and two he drives a police car
DUDLEY
It was a joke.
BRIAN
Well the time for jokes is over if we want this to work we’ve got to get serious ok… don’t worry about the car. I'll sort it out. What else do we need?
DUDLEY
Disguises We don’t want to be recognised do we.
BRIAN
Good thinking, you sort out some disguises. Right. What else do we need?
DUDLEY
Guns!
BRIAN LOOKS AT DUDLEY IN A STATE OF SHOCK
DUDLEY
Ok bananas then
BRIAN
Good now you’re thinking. A couple of bananas under our coats they wont know the difference… Now there was something else. What is it? It’s on the tip of my tongue.
DUDLEY
I know… a bank! If we're going to do a bank job we'll need a bank. When we going to do it then?
BRIAN
Tomorrow
DUDLEY (SOUNDS WORRIED)
Tomorrow… that’s a bit soon isn’t
BRIAN
No time like the present if we leave it too long we’ll start getting cold feet I’ll meet you outside your house tomorrow at 11.30
DUDLEY
O.k. your on
JUST THEN JANET WALKS IN THEY BOTH PANIC
DUDLEY
Oh hi Janet
DUDLEY STANDS UP
JANET
Hello Dudley. Haven't you two got anything better to do than sit around the house all day. You’re supposed to be out looking for a job?
BRIAN
And who’s supposed to look after the kids
JANET
Why didn’t you take them round my mums or with you I have to take them everywhere I go.
BRIAN
Janet! you’ve got an answer for everything anyway we’ve got something to tell you haven’t we Dudley?
DUDLEY
Have we!
BRIAN
I've got an interview for a job tomorrow afternoon
JANET
A job! Its sunk in has it and about time too, will you be going anywhere near the bank.
BRIAN AND DUDLEY
Bank?
BRIAN AND DUDLEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SHOCK
BRIAN
Err… no!
DUDLEY
Yes we are Brian.
BRIAN GIVES DUDLEY A MAD WORRIED LOOK
JANET
Well make your bloody mind up where’s your job interview at?
BRIAN
In town
JANET
Good you can get me a tenner from the cash point I’m skint till’ I get my social on Thursday.
SCENE 7. EXT CAR ONE
BRIAN PULLS UP OUTSIDE DUDLEY'S HOUSE DUDLEY GETS IN THE CAR CARRYING A POLLY BAG THEY DRIVE OFF
BRIAN
Well!… had any second thoughts?
DUDLEY
No… You?
BRIAN
No, it’s now or never. Did you get the gear?
DUDLEY STARTS TO TAKE THE DISGUISES OUT OF THE BAG. THEY DRIVE OFF
BRIAN
Don’t get them out yet. Wait till we get to the bank, stupid.
DUDLEY
Where did you get the wheels?
BRIAN
I borrowed them off my cousin Duncan!
DUDLEY
What? I thought you said you were going to steal one
BRIAN PULLS OVER IN A SIDE STREET NEAR THE BANK
BRIAN
Stop flapping it is stolen. Our Duncan deals in stolen cars… right we're nearly there you can get the gear out here. Now remember the plan, you stand near the entrance as lookout, I'll do the rest Are you ready?
DUDLEY
I think so
THEY BOTH DON THEIR DISGUISES WHICH ARE PILLOW CASES WITH SLITS IN THEM BRIAN PULLS OUT A LARGE CUCUMBER
BRIAN
We said bananas. How the hell am I going to get this up my coat you twat
DUDLEY
Have you seen the price of bananas lately?
BRIAN SNAPS THE CUCUMBER IN HALF
BRIAN
Here! Right are you ready? Lets do it. Come on.
THEY DRIVE OFF AND PULL OUTSIDE THE BANK GET OUT THE CAR AND WALK TO THE ENTRANCE OF THE BANK A LITTLE OLD LADY CONFRONTS THEM
OLD LADY
Are you after robbing the bank?
DUDLEY
What!!!
OLD LADY
Are you after robbing the bank?
BRIAN
No
OLD LADY
Well you look like bank robbers, anyway your out of luck lads its half day closing You'll have to come back tomorrow I’m afraid
DUDLEY
Jesus
BRIAN
Cheers! Get back in the car Dudley the Robbery’s off
DUDLEY
What about your Missuses tenner?
BRIAN
Just get in the car Dudley for Christ’s sake
DUDLEY HAS HIS HOOD THE WRONG WAY ROUND AND IS STRUGGLING TO FIND THE CAR DOOR HANDLE
BRIAN
What are you messing around at? Get in the bloody car.
BRIAN
Well that was a waste of bloody time
DUDLEY
Didn’t you hear her? We can come back tomorrow?
BRIAN
Yeah why not we could always phone them and tell them when we are arriving couldn’t we!
JUST THEN AN AFRO-CARIBBEAN TRAFFIC WARDEN IS KNOCKING ON THE CAR WINDOW THEY LOOK LIKE MEMBERS OF THE KKK. BRIAN WINDS DOWN THE WINDOW
BRIAN
Is there a problem officer?
WARDEN
Now lets see. Fancy dress or on your way to a lynching?
BRAIN
Lynching? Oh I see I get it Err Fancy dress.
WARDEN
Wherever you’re going you can’t park here you’re on a double yellow
BRIAN DRIVES AWAY LEAVING THE TRAFFIC WARDEN SCRATCHING HIS HEAD
DUDLEY
So what now Brian, shall we come back tomorrow?
BRIAN
Dudley we have just pulled up outside the bank in broad daylight dressed like bank robbers, witnessed by two people one of them being a traffic warden… I tell you what we should have done we should have left them a Calling Card Brian and Dudley your friendly bank robbers called today but you were closed. We will be in the area tomorrow; we’ll give you a call.
DUDLEY
So that’s a no then?
BRIAN
Any more bright ideas…Pause…We better get rid of this car and stupid costumes this was a stupid idea
DUDLEY
Yeah need to get the costumes back to the hire shop
BRIAN
You what! You hired them?
DUDLEY
Yeah you know from that shop next to the Post Office in our village
THERE’S SILENCE THEN THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THEY BOTH SAY THE SAME WORD WITH ENTHUSIASM
POST OFFICE
NOW WE SEE THE CAR DRIVING INTO THE DISTANCE TO THEIR VILLAGE
DUDLEY
No we can’t do it. Not our own Post Office.
BRIAN
Excuse me. Weren’t we about to rob a bank about ten minutes ago? Come on you were the one that thought of the idea in the first place. We’ve got nothing to lose
DUDLEY
How about our freedom if we get caught. Forget it I’m having second thoughts about the whole thing, besides its our own bloody Post Office.
BRIAN
Run by a pensioner She must be about 109 by now.
Remember her old man when he was alive?
DUDLEY
Do I! Can you remember when we stole those cigarettes on our way home from school and her old man god rest his soul chased us for ages…
BRIAN
Yeah! Until his Alzheimer’s kicked in. Then the poor bugger wondered where the fuck he was and why he was running?
THEY BOTH LAUGH
DUDLEY
Well? Are we doing it or what?
BRIAN
Yeah lets do it, but on one condition. We don’t bother hanging around afterwards handing those costumes back next door. I don’t want to appear on Britain’s stupidest criminals.
DUDLEY
Hold on what about my £5 deposit?
DUDLEY LAUGHS
BRIAN
I’m going to twat you in a minute.
SCENE 8. INT ROBBERS CAR
THE REAL BADDIES ARE PARKED DOWN THE STREET FROM THE POST OFFICE WAITING FOR THE SECURITY WAGON TO ARRIVE THEY ARE WEARING THE SAME COSTUMES BUT HAVE REAL GUNS
MICKEY
What time do you make it?
TEZ
Two minutes to one
MICKEY
Right get your hood on they’ll be here any second. Hold on a minute. Who the hells parked their car right outside our bloody post office I don’t “fucking” believe it. Who the hell are they?
TEZ IS ON THE RADIO
TEZ
OK Spike I’ll ask him. Spike wants to know if we’re still doing it?
MICKEY
Tell him yes of course were still doing it, we’re not interested in what’s in the post office
THE SECURITY WAGON APPROACHES
MICKEY
That’s what we are interested in
SCENE 9.INT THE POST OFFICE
BRIAN
This is a robbery. Put the money in the bag old lady, now.
OLD WOMAN
What? You’ll have to speak up I’m a bit deaf
BRIAN
Put the money in the bag or I will shoot you.
DUDLEY
Steady on Bri she is an old woman.
BRIAN
Dudley, will you shut up. Go over to the window and keep a look out.
THE OLD WOMAN DISAPPEARS OUT OF SIGHT
BRIAN
Now, where’s she gone? Oi I was serious
SHE REAPPEARS WITH A WW1 ARMY RIFLE THAT IS AS BIG SHE IS SHE THEN COCKS IT
FX CLICK
OLD WOMAN
Now what were you saying young man?
BRIAN STEPS BACK IN FRIGHT
OLD WOMAN
My old man said I might need this one-day and he was right.
BRIAN
Shit
THROUGH THE WINDOW THE ROBBERY OF THE SECURITY WAGON IS TAKING PLACE
DUDLEY
Bri you better come and have a look at this
BRIAN
You better come and have a look at this! Now put the gun down don’t do anything stupid
DUDLEY
Brian
BRIAN LOOKS OUTSIDE IN SHOCK THE SECURITY WAGON IS BLOCKED IN AND A SECURITY OFFICER HAS A GUN TO HIS HEAD.
SCENE 9A. EXT OUTSIDE POST OFFICE
MICKEY
Open the bloody door or I’ll blow his brains out. “Do it”
THE DRIVER OPENS THE DOOR AND THE ROBBERS CLIMB IN AND CARRY OUT THE ROBBERY. THEN SUDDENLY THEY HEAR A SHOT FROM INSIDE THE POST OFFICE THEY ALL STOP AND LOOK ROUNDTHEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER
MICKEY
Come on move it.
BRIAN
What did you do that for? Its not us you want to shoot. It’s them.
OLD WOMAN
That was a warning shot. I wont miss next time
BRIAN
Look we haven’t really got guns its just a cucumber we… we were just playing. The real robbers are outside.
DUDLEY TAKES HIS HOOD OFF
BRIAN
What’re you doing you idiot? Put it back on there’s a video camera up there
DUDLEY
I’m not getting framed for something I haven’t done
BRIAN
It’s a bit too late for that
BRI TAKES HIS HOOD OFF TOO. THE REAL ROBBERS GET IN THEIR CARS AND GO
DUDLEY
Looks like they’re off
THE OLD LADY FIRES ANOTHER SHOT
BRIAN
Shit! So are we.
THEY PASS 2 SECURITY OFFICERS
DUDLEY
Lads just wanted you to know we’re nothing to do with them right
THE SECURITY GUARDS LOOK AT EACH OTHER PUZZLED
BRIAN
Come on Dudley
THEY JUMP IN THE CAR AND DRIVE OFF
BRIAN
Remind me never to do anything so stupid ever again. What a balls up! And what did we get out of it? “Nothing apart from a bloody headache. She shouldn’t be in charge of a post office. They want to send her out to Afghanistan to hunt down Bin Laden. She’s deadly.
SCENE 9 INT HIDE OUT
THE GANG ARE SITTING ROUND A TABLE WITH THE CASH ALL IN USED NOTES
MICKEY
How much do you reckon there is?
SPIKE
A lot
TEZ
I’ve never seen so much money before in my life, there must be about 3 million here
BUNG
We’ll never have to do another job ever again… what do we do now Share it out?
MICKEY
NO! We lay low for a few days. Every copper for miles will be looking for this lot and us! So Tez I’ll let you hide the money and I don’t want to know where it is ok, nor do you tell this lot, we’ll meet up again when and only when I say so.
TEZ
But Mickey, Where am I going to hide 3 million quid?
MICKEY
I’ve just said I don’t want to know. You’ll think of somewhere.
BUNG
Hold on a minute I don’t like the idea of this. How come he gets to hide money? What’s stopping him pissing off with the lot? Where does that leave us?
MICKEY
So that’s what you’d do is it? Piss off with the lot.
(LOOKS AROUND AT THE OTHER GANG MEMBERS THEY LOOK MAD)
BUNG
Too bloody’ right I would.
MICKEY
Exactly. That’s why I didn’t pick you. For one, all of us apart from Tez , has a criminal record
TEZ
I have… I’ve got 3 points for speeding
MICKEY
Shut up stupid… And two he’s married to my sister and she’d cut his bollocks off.
THERE IS A PAUSE
MICKEY
So it’s agreed. Tez,, we’re all trusting you. Don’t let us down. We’ll all meet up again when I say, until then keep stum ok. Ok
THEY ALL ACKNOWLEDGE MICKEY
MICKEY (GRABS TEZ’S ARM)
And Tez… don’t fuck up.
SCENE 11.INT BRIAN’S HOUSE
(TWO WEEKS LATER) IT’S EVENING BRI AND DUDLEY ARE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION EATING TEA ITS SALAD JANET IS DOING THE IRONING IN THE BACK GROUND
BRIAN
Switch over Dudley, Footballs on at half past nine.
DUDLEY PICKS UP HALF A CUCUMBER AND POINTS IT AT BRI
DUDLEY
Eh Brian, stick em up
BRIAN
You twat don’t remind me of that… What a disaster that was
JANE
What was?
BRIAN
Nothing
DUDLEY SWITCHES OVER TO CRIME WATCH
HOST
Now we move on to a more distressing case 2 weeks ago today in the village of Ronslow. A robbery took place. This was no ordinary robbery. Not satisfied with robbing a Security Vehicle, the armed robbers robbed the local. Post Office as well.
DUDLEY AND JANET ARE WATCHING THE TELLY WITH INTEREST BRI IS EATING HIS TEA READING THE PAPER
BRIAN
Are you switching over to football or what?
JANET/DUD
HOST
Inspector Cranwell. We’ve got CCTV pictures of two of the robbers haven’t we?
THE TWO PICTURES OF BRI AND DUDLEY APPEAR ON THE SCREEN JANET STOPS IRONING IN SHOCK DUDLEY LOOKS OPEN MOUTHED
DUDLEY
Bri we’re on telly.
BRIAN SLURPS HIS FOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE
INSPECTOR
Yes. The footage is taken from a CCTV camera inside the Post Office.
HOST
What is puzzling is the robbers took their KKK type hoods off. Now why did they do that?
INSPECTOR
We don’t know why? But we are grateful to them for that
BRI TURNS TO DUDLEY
BRIAN
Twat!!
INSPECTOR
Not only that we now know one of the robbers used the name Dudley.
DUDLEY TURNS TO BRI
DUDLEY
Twat!!
HOST
You’re desperate to catch these men aren’t you?
INSPECTOR
That’s right. This gang, we believe, are connected to another 16 armed robberies in the Midlands area, plus another attempted bank robbery earlier on the same day just a few miles away from Ronslow.
HOST
The 76-year lady who owns the Post Office was very brave and managed to scare the robbers away. She must have been scared to death.
BRIAN
You mean we were scared to death she was crazy
JANET
Shush
INSPECTOR
That’s right, a very brave women indeed. The prime suspects, and the rest of the gang are not to be approached. They are very violent and dangerous
HOSTS
There’s a reward isn’t there?
INSPECTOR
That’s right. There’s a reward of £25000 pounds to anybody with information leading to their arrest.
HOST
This is the number if you think you know these two or if you think you have any information
Inspector Cramwell. Thank you
JANET HAS THE PHONE IN HER HAND DIALLING THE NUMBER ON SCREEN
BRIAN
Janet what’re you doing?
JANET
Phoning that number Brian. That was you.
DUDLEY
And me
BRIAN
We had nothing to do with that robbery I’m telling you it was all a big mistake in identity. If I had £3 million quid do you think I’d still be here now Janet listen to me babe.
JANET
Well who the hell was that. Ronnie Biggs ?
BRIAN
But we didn’t do anything. Janet put the phone down, put the phone down now
DUDLEY
Stop her Bri I don’t want to go to prison
BRI TRIES TO GRAB THE PHONE JANET HOLDS THE HOT IRON UP THREATENING THEM
JANET
Don’t even think about it… Oh hello I’ve got some information for you about the Post Office job… It was my husband and his mate. They did it.
POLICEMAN
Eh sir there’s this woman on the phone. She says the two robbers are her old man and his mate.
INSPECTOR
Not another one. Ok take the details, we’ll send some one round later.
BRIAN
Janet what have you done? I can’t believe you’ve just done that.
JANET
It’s 25,000 thousand quid Brian. We need the money ok!
BRIAN
Come on Dudley lets get out of here
DUDLEY
Where we going?
BRIAN
I don’t know anywhere. Thanks Janet thanks a lot
JANET IS STILL ON THE PHONE TO THE POLICE
JANET
Hurry up, they’re getting away
POLICE
We’ll send some one round as soon as we can madam
JANET
No, you’ve got to come round now.
SCENE 12.EXT STREET
BRIAN AND DUDLEY ARE OUTSIDE ON THE STREET
BRIAN
We’ll use your car Dudley
DUDLEY
We can’t… my tax disc is out of date
BRIAN
We’ve just discovered we are Britain’s most Wanted and you’re worried about your poxy tax disc. You’re unbelievable sometimes Dudley just get in the car
THEY’RE NOW STANDING IN FRONT OF DUDLEY’S CAR
DUDLEY
Oh! And I haven’t got any wheels either… we could catch the bus
BRIAN
Think… think… think… got it
BRI WALKS A FEW DOORS DOWN TO THEIR NEIGHBOURS HOUSE AND PRESSES THE DOOR BELL
BRIAN
Do me favour Dudley. Don’t open your mouth. Oh hello Pauline.
PAULINE
Brian… What ever it is you want, we haven’t got any OK!
BRIAN
Is Tez in?
PAULINE
He’s in the bath
WE SEE TEZ IN THE BATH SINGING. HE IS SINGING HIS VERSION OF AN ABBA SONG HE HAS HEAD PHONES ON
TEZ
Money… Money… Money. Isn’t it funny… in a rich mans world?
BACK DOWN STAIRS
BRIAN
Can I borrow his car? It’s an emergency.
PAULINE
Why what’s happened?
BRIAN
It’s Janet; she’s having the baby. I need the car to take her to the hospital… please help me out
PAULINE
What now? Already? I thought she was only 4 months gone; she can’t be having it yet!
BRIAN
Well she is. Can I borrow your car I think her waters have broken? Please Pauline.
PAULINE
Haven’t you called an ambulance?
BRIAN (GETS MAD)
There isn’t time to wait for an ambulance. Are you going to give me your car or what?
PAULINE
O.K. Bri calm down. I’ll go and ask his lordship
PAULINE RUNS UPSTAIRS WE HEAR A SHOUT IN THE STREET FROM A DISTANCE
JANET
BRIAN… Brian, get back here now
BRIAN
Dudley. Go and shut her up, delay her or something
DUDLEY
Bollocks! She’s your missus.
BRIAN
Dudley, just do it will you while I deal with this
PAULINE IS NOW KNOCKING ON THE BATHROOM DOOR SHE THEN TRIES THE DOOR IT IS LOCKED.
PAULINE
TEZ… Tez open the door.
TEZ IS MILES AWAY SINGING HIS HEART OUT TO ANOTHER ABBA TRACK “THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL THE LOSER STANDING
TALL.
PAULINE GOES THROUGH HIS POCKET ON THE BED AND FINDS HIS KEYS
DUDLEY IS DOING HIS BEST TO STALL JANET BY HOLDING THE GARDEN GATE SHUT ON HER SHE HITS HIS FINGERS WITH A SAUCEPAN
DUDLEY
Ouch!
JANET
Open this gate. You’re not going to get away the police will get you in the end Open this pissing gate now
SHE STARTS TO HIT HIM
DUDLEY
I’m sorry Janet I can’t… Hurry up Brian!
PAULINE APPEARS WITH THE CAR KEYS
BRIAN
Cheers Pauline you’re an angel
PAULINE
Don’t forget to bring it back he’ll flip his lid when he finds out you’ve taken his car
BRIAN JUMPS INTO A VOLVO ESTATE DRIVES UP TO DUDLEY, DUDLEY JUMPS IN JANET THROWS THE SAUCEPAN AT THE CAR .
DUDLEY
Thank God for that I thought I was mincemeat
JANET IS RUNNING DOWN THE ROAD AFTER THEM SHOUTING. PAULINE APPEARS
PAULINE
Stop. You forgot Janet.
JANET
What the hell are you on about. Why did you give them your car you stupid cow?
PAULINE
They said you were having the baby. Are you ok Janet?
TEZ IS OUT OF THE BATH AND HEARS THE COMMOTION IN THE STREET HE LOOKS OUT OF HIS BEDROOM WINDOW THEN CARRY’S ON DRESSING THEN HE STOPS SUDDENLY IN SHOCK AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN TO FIND HIS CAR VANISHED
TEZ
Where’s me car? Where’s my F… ing car
SCENE 13.INT CAR 3
ON THE ROAD WITH BRI AND DUD
DUDLEY
Where we going Bri?
BRIAN
I don’t know, as far away from here as we can
DUDLEY
Then what?
BRIAN
I don’t know… shut up. Shit, would you believe it.
DUDLEY
What is it?
BRIAN
We’re on empty
SCENE 14.EXT/INT GARAGE
THEY PULL ONTO THE GARAGE FORECOURT
BRIAN
Here’s 20 quid. Go and pay for the petrol while I fill up, and hurry up
DUDLEY WALKS INTO TO THE GARAGE SHOP THERE’S A YOUNG LAD BEHIND THE COUNTER EATING A CHOCOLATE BAR WATCHING A SMALL PORTABLE TV. IT SHOWS DUDLEY ON CRIME WATCH UPDATE, THE LAD RECOGNISES HIM
LAD
Look I don’t want any trouble, take what you want ok
DUDLEY
I can pay for it
LAD
It’s free everything is free, take what you want, just don’t hurt me ok
SCENE 15.INT MICKEY’S HOUSE
WE SEE MICKEY IN HIS LIVING ROOM WATCHING HIS 48 INCH TV. HE IS ON THE PHONE TO TEZ
MICKEY
So you are telling me the money was in the car… “All of it?” You were supposed to be hiding it… well its too bloody late now. No you listen Terry I want my money back I don’t care how you do it, I want the money back and I want to feed those two fucking morons to my dog. You hear?
TEZ
Yes Mickey yes I understand yes
MICKEY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND CARRIES ON WATCHING CRIME WATCH UPDATE
SCENE 16.INT TERRY’S HOUSE
TEZ IS IN THE HIS LIVING ROOM WITH JANET AND HIS WIFE (MICKEYS SISTER PAULINE)
TEZ
I can’t believe this is happening. Why me. Why the fuck did you give those two idiots the keys to my car. Do you realise what you’ve done?
PAULINE
Don’t you shout at me? Why is everyone having a go at me Brian said Janet was having the baby. You were in the bath. What was I supposed to do. Anybody else would have done the same.
JANET
For Christ sake it’s only a car you’ll get it back… What was the reg, blue Volvo wasn’t it? I’ll phone the police again.
TEZ GRABS THE PHONE OFF JANET
TEZ
No you don’t. I don’t want the pigs to know what car it is just leave it, let me think
JANET
I want them caught, they’re dangerous armed robbers and they’re worth 25000 quid. I’ll share the reward money with you if you want?
TEZ
25,000 quid is that all.
PAULINE
What do you mean is that all?
TEZ
They’re worth a lot more than that. Try 3 million. Oh and my bollocks.
PAULINE
What’re you talking about Terry? Are you in trouble?
TEZ
Put it this way If we don’t get that car back we’re all in trouble…
PAULINE
You better tell us what’s going on Terry
SCENE 17.EXT/INT CAR 3
DUDLEY HAS NOW WALKED OUT OF THE GARAGE WITH LOADS OF CARRIER BAGS FULL OF STUFF HE GETS INTO THE CAR THEY DRIVE OFF
BRIAN
Did you pay for the petrol?
DUDLEY
I didn’t have to pay him a penny he said I could have anything I wanted. That was an offer I couldn’t refuse.
BRI NEARLY CRASHES THE CAR IN DISBELIEF
BRIAN
Great, I told you to pay for the petrol and leave but no…
DUDLEY
He wouldn’t let me
BRIAN
You’ve been recognised He’s obviously seen your mug shot on the telly and shit himself. I bet he’s on the phone to the police right now.
BACK IN THE GARAGE
LAD
That’s right there were 4 of them all with guns. The reg yeah M37 FUT…Blue Volvo, about two minutes ago…
BACK IN THE CAR THERE’S SILENCE FOR A WHILE DUDLEY IS HELPING HIMSELF TO THE FOOD. MORE SILENCE
DUDLEY
Want a chip stick?
BRIAN ISN’T TALKING
DUDLEY
Suit yourself
BRIAN
I can’t believe Janet my own wife grassed me up
DUDLEY
Yeah but it’s a lot of money though, £25000
BRIAN
I’m her bloody husband for Christ sake
DUDLEY
All right don’t have a go at me; it was all your idea in the first place
BRIAN
No it wasn’t, we both planned it and we wouldn’t be in this mess if you hadn’t taken your hood off you muppet
DUDLEY
Are you sure you don’t want a chip stick?
BRIAN
I’ll shove those chip sticks up your arse if you say another word. From now on don’t speak don’t even open your mouth
DUDLEY ATTEMPTS TO EAT A HANDFUL OF CHIP STICKS AND REALISES WHAT BRI HAS JUST SAID
SCENE 18. INT TERRY’S HOUSE
JANET
So, my husband is driving your car with 3 million quid in the boot, and he’s doesn’t know it, and your telling me he had nothing to do with the robbery, so that means I wouldn’t get any reward money
TEZ
No
JANET
Well why was my husband and Dudley’s mug shots on TV?
TEZ
I don’t know. You tell me.
PAULINE
It doesn’t make sense. Why is there all that money in the boot.
JANET
Because Pauline, the real armed robber is your husband and his motley crew. What am I going to tell the Police when they come?
THE DOOR BELL RINGS
PAULINE
Shit it’s them now
JANET
Don’t worry I wont say anything
PAULINE OPENS THE DOOR
POLICE MAN
Good evening Madam. Is your husband in?
PAULINE
Err yes
TEZ COMES TO THE DOOR
POLICEMAN
Sir do you own a blue Volvo Estate Registration number M37 FUT
PAULINE AND TEZ ANSWER AT THE SAME TIME
PAULINE
Yes
TEZ
No
POLICEMAN
Was that a yes or a no?
TEZ
No officer
POLICEMAN
Well according to our records a Mr T Morrison is the registered owner of this vehicle. Are you Mr T Morrison?
TEZ
Yes! …And what I meant to say. Was I was the owner until this afternoon… I sold it.
POLICEMAN
You sold it? This is inspector Cranwell. Do you mind if the inspector and I come in, we need to ask you a few questions?
JANET AND TEZ LOOK AT EACH OTHER
INSPECTOR
It will save us a trip down the station
TEZ OPENS THE DOOR AND LETS THEM IN
SCENE 19. INT CAR 3
BRIAN
We need to dump this car and find ourselves another one as soon as we can. Got any ideas?
DUDLEY HAS HIS HEAD OVER TO ONE SIDE TOWARDS THE WINDOW HE IS ASLEEP BUT BRIAN THINKS HE HAS TAKEN WHAT HE SAID EARLIER WHEN HE TOLD HIM TO SHUT UP SERIOUSLY
BRIAN
I’ll have one of them chip sticks now. Dudley, Ok I get it, listen I’m sorry, come on we’re both in this together. Speak to me Dudley.
DUDLEY MOVES HIS SLEEPING HEAD TOWARDS BRI. BRI LOOKS AT HIM WITH DISGUST THEN LOOKS FORWARD FOR A WHILE THEN SLAMS THE BRAKES REALLY HARD DUDLEY SHITS HIS SELF
DUDLEY
What! What is it?
BRIAN
It’s awake. Enjoy your sleep?
DUDLEY
What did you do that for, how long have I been asleep?
BRIAN
About 2 hours!
DUDLEY
Where are we?
BRIAN
Just approaching the Mexican border, another few miles and we’ll be free men
DUDLEY
Serious Bri where are we?
BRIAN
Just outside Bristol heading south. Nice sleep?
DUDLEY
No I had this nightmare, we robbed this Post Office and it all went wrong and we were on the run
BRIAN
Well welcome to reality
DUDLEY
So it wasn’t a dream after all?
BRIAN
No… and we need to get rid of this car before we get caught. Any ideas?
DUDLEY
We could stop at the next services and find ourselves another car
BRIAN
We could, but the next services is 20 miles away and we haven’t got enough petrol to get us there
DUDLEY
We’re buggered then aren’t we!
BRIAN
You could say that, I’ll tell you what we’ll do; we’ll turn off at the next exit, find some country lane get our heads down until the morning. Then hand ourselves in.
DUDLEY
We’ll go to prison.
BRIAN
So what, it’s a break away from my Janet. What about Sheila, will she be all right?
DUDLEY
Yeah her mum will look after her. I can just hear the mother-in-law now, I told you not to marry that waste of space.
BRIAN
What about her old man, won’t he have something to say?
DUDLEY
Nah he couldn’t give a shit, he wont be bothered. He’s in prison.
BRI LAUGHS THEN DUDLEY JOINS IN
BRIAN
What for?
THEY ARE BOTH LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY DUDLEY STRUGGLES TO ANSWER HIM
DUDLEY
Armed robbery
THEY ARE BOTH LAUGHING AGAIN
DUDLEY
He got 12 years
THEY STOP LAUGHING
WE SEE THE CAR PULLING OFF THE ROAD THEY DRIVE DOWN A COUNTRY LANE THEY’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
BRIAN
Here will do.
BRI TURNS THE ENGINE OFF THEY GET OUT TO STRETCH THEIR LEGS
DUDLEY
Phew! What the fuck is that smell?
BRIAN
Cow shit. There must be a farm round here somewhere…There’s no better smell in the world. Dudley this is the last we’ll see of freedom make the most of it.
BRI HANDS DUD THE KEYS
DUDLEY
What do I want them for?
BRIAN
Make yourself useful. Have a look in the boot for some blankets or something to keep us warm, we haven’t got enough petrol to keep the engine running all night, and drop the back seat while I go for a piss.
DUDLEY GOES TO THE BOOT BRI GOES TO THE HEDGEROW TO RELIEVE HIMSELF
DUDLEY
Do you reckon they’re looking for us?
BRIAN STANDS TO ONE SIDE AND STARTS TO RELIEVE HIMSELF
BRIAN
Of course they’re looking for us. They think we ‘re proper-armed robbers with 3 million quid stashed away.
SUDDENLY BRIAN SCREAMS OUT
BRIAN
AARGH!
DUDLEY
What is it Bri what have you done
BRIAN IS HOLDING HIS GROIN
BRIAN
Take my advice Dudley…. Never piss on an electric fence
DUDLEY LAUGHS
You didn’t
BRIAN
Just open the boot will you
DUDLEY
I wish we did have 3 million quid tut… I can’t get this bloody boot open
DUD’S HAVING A PROBLEM OPENING THE BOOT
BRIAN
Come out the way give me a go
BRI OPENS THE BOOT TO REVEAL A LOAD OF FULL BLACK BIN LINERS
DUDLEY
Looks like Tez was planning a trip to the tip
BRI PUTS HIS HAND INTO ONE OF THE BAGS AND PULLS OUT A BIG WAD OF 50 POUND NOTES
DUDLEY
Bloody hell Brian is that real?
BRIAN
It’s real all right; every bag is full of it. Am I dreaming or am I dreaming, shit Dudley, we’ve hit the jackpot.
DUDLEY
Bloody hell Bri I don’t understand. It’s a miracle.
DUDLEY STARTS SHOUTING
DUDLEY
We’re rich beyond our wildest dreams
BRIAN
Keep your noise down Robbie Williams
WE NOW SEE THEM BACK IN THEIR SEATS THERE’S SILENCE FOR A WHILE BRI BREAKS THE SILENCE
BRIAN
At least we’ve got something to keep ourselves warm
DUDLEY
What light a fire with it?
BRIAN
No stupid
NOW WE SEE BRI AND DUD COVERED WITH MONEY UP TO THEIR NECKS THEY’RE USING THE MONEY TO KEEP WARM
DUDLEY
Nice one Bri, now why didn’t I think of that a few hours ago, we didn’t have a penny to rub together, now we are up to our necks in it? I’d love to know how much there is. We could be millionaires, just think how many scratch cards I could buy with that lot eh Bri… Bri
BRI IS FAST ASLEEP AND STARTS TO SNORE
DUDLEY
Night Brian night
THE CAMERA PANS AWAY TO A SIGN SAYING PRIVATE PROPERTY KEEP OUT YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
WE THEN GO INTO AN EXCERPT OF THE NEXT EPISODE
EXCERPT
It is morning the window is slightly open on Brians side we see a farmers shot gun slowly appear through the gap
DUDLEY OPENS ONE EYE AND WAKES UP BRIAN
EPISODE 2 LAYING LOW
Brian and Dudley are frog marched at gun point to the farmers house the old farmer hears their story they soon make friends and the farmer lets them hide out for while.
The farmer tells them he might have to sell his farm to survive the lads have other idea’s and help him out financially meanwhile Mickey’s gang the police and wives are on their tail after they get identified by a local greedy land owner who wanted to buy the farm the lads get away just in time.
Brian and Dudley are looking for someone to help them out of their predicament and go searching for Jonah an old army pal in Cardiff they find out from his ex-wife that she kicked him out months ago. They find Jonah a washed out alcoholic living in a doss house The doss house turns out to be the ideal hiding place.
EPISODE 3 BREWERY TRIP
The owners of the doss house are overjoyed when the lads turn the doss house into a designer pad and buy new clothes for the occupants they come unstuck when they decide to take them all on a Brewery trip.
The trip resembles a scene from the film (One flew over the cuckoo’s nest) they all end up in custody but the Police are unaware who they have in the cells and let them go the next morning.
While all this is happening the gang are at the farm giving the Farmer a hard time, they wished they hadn‘t!. The wives nearly catch up with them after they realised that the first place Brian would go would be Jonah’s but they are too late again. Dudley has got alcoholic poisoning
EPISODE 4 BOSTON
Dudley is admitted into hospital with alcoholic poisoning the car is parked in the hospital car park
The doctor tells Brian ,Dudley should be ok in a few days.
Brian has no where else to go and hide except the hospital Dudley tells Brian about the 14 year old boy opposite who needs treatment for Leukaemia the only place he can get the treatment is in Boston USA so they decide to donate the cost of the trip and operation from their stash! The only problem is the car with the money in the boot is on its way to the pound after Brian forgot to re-new his parking ticket.
To make matters worse Dudley tells Brian that he has texted Shelia to say he’s in Hospital but he’s going to be ok, Brian can’t believe what he’s done and hit’s the roof
All Janet and Sheila have to do is find out which Hospital he’s in and they’ve got them, the gang and the Police soon realise the best way of finding the husbands is to follow their wives.
The wives find out where they are and are on their way to the Hospital followed by the Gang and two plain clothed Policemen.
The lads have escaped from Hospital and are being given a lift by the boys parents to the pound its all a race against time but they get away again
EPISODE 5 THE HOTEL
By now the Lads are getting a name for them selves as modern day Robin hoods and their mug shots are all over the papers
Their old mate Jonah gives them a contact in Southampton he’s a long distance lorry driver who can take them to Spain for a price.
The Police have realised that they are not the real robbers and are at the same time now concentrating there efforts on Mickey’s gang
Brian and Dudley are missing their wives and Brian is really missing his kids so they devise a plan to see them before they go. Also to make arrangements for their families to join them later.
They contact their wives and arrange to meet but Janet has told Tez who she is having an affair with. They devise a plan to catch them and get the money
Meanwhile Sheila unbeknown to Janet is telling the Police everything.
They meet in a Hotel near Southampton Janet’s plan to catch them back fires when Janet finds out they didn’t bring the money.
Brian tells Janet that everything will be alright and she’ll love it in Spain.
Next door Sheila tells Dudley everything’s not alright, the Police know everything.
But the Police want them to carry on with the trip to Spain as they want to catch the real gang.
EPISODE 6 STING
The lads make their contact in Southampton and pay the money to the driver fat Tony but the gang has got to Jonah and have found out their plan as they get on the lorry a couple of illegal immigrants get off. The lorry is being watched by the gang and they’re all being watched by the police.
Meanwhile Janet finds out it’s a set up and tries to contact Tez but fails.
The gang plan to highjack the vehicle once they’re on the continent and the police know what they ‘re up to and are ready to sting
On the Ferry on the back of the lorry Dudley tells Brian it’s all a set up and what’s going to happen on the way to Spain.
Two hours into the Journey in France the gang stop the Lorry at gun point the Police move in to arrest the gang only to find there’s no Dudley or Brian in the back of the lorry They switched Lorries on the Ferry and are now on their way to Romania
Shush
ADDITIONAL STUFF:
At the end of the Comedy Drama we go back to all the people Bri and Dudley have Helped with a voice over
Example The farmer gives up farming and starts a cannabis plantation supplying pensioners cannabis to ease away their aches and pains
BRIAN IS IN THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING FOOTBALL ON THE TELE. IT IS A TYPICAL COUNCIL STYLE LIVING ROOM THE FURNITURE IS OLD FASHIONED BUT CLEAN, CHEAP ORNAMENTS ARE EVERYWHERE.
JANET IS SHOUTING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN.
JANET
Bri… Bri
BRIAN
What?
JANET
Your Dinners ready… Brian.
BRIAN
I'm coming.
JANET WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM WALKS UP TO THE TELE AND TURNS IT OFF
BRIAN
What the hell did you do that for you stupid cow turn it back on. I don’t turn your soaps off when you want to watch them.
JANET
What did I say?
BRIAN
O.k. my dinners ready I'll eat it in a minute, now will you move your arse out of the way so I can watch the footy.
BRIAN TURNS THE TELEVISION BACK ON WITH THE REMOTE CONTROL. JANET TURNS IT OFF AGAIN AND FOLDS HER ARMS.
JANET
I said no more television until we get a TV licence.
BRIAN
Come on Janet what’re the odds of us being caught twice in one week.
FX KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
THEY BOTH DIVE ON THE FLOOR TO HIDE
JANET(WHISPERING)
Shit, what did I tell you.
BRIAN PEEPS OUT OF THE WINDOW
BRIAN
Its ok, it’s only your bit on the side.
BRIAN SNEAKILY SWITCHES THE TELE BACK ON WHILE JANET GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR. SHE IS WEARING HER DRESSING GOWN
MILKMAN
£22.67 Please love.
JANET
Can I ask you a favour? Can I pay you next week I've got nothing on me at the moment?
THE MILKMAN GIVES HER A PERVY LOOK
MILKMAN
mmm I've always wondered what you look like with “nothing on”.
JANET
Oh go on please love. I’ll definitely pay you next week please.
MILKMAN
This cant go on you know, it seems to be a bit of a habit… ok seeing as its you but you better pay next week.
JANET
I will I will, thanks. You know you’re the best milk man I’ve ever had.
THE MILKMAN PASSES HER TWO PINTS ONE IN EACH HAND JANET GOES TO GRAB THEM AND REVEALS HER BREASTS.
MILK MAN
Of course there are other ways of paying you know!?
BRIAN APPEARS IN THE DOOR WAY THE MILKMAN JUMPS OUT OF HIS SKIN.
BRIAN
You got a problem mate?
MILKMAN
Me? No I haven’t got a problem.
BRIAN
Well keep your pervy eyes off her tits
MILK MAN
What?
BRIAN
You heard her, you'll have the money next week, now on your bike.
THE MILK MAN TAKES HIS MILK BACK OUT OF JANET'S HANDS AND STARTS TO WALK AWAY.
BRIAN
Eh come back with our milk .
JANET
I've got kids and they need their milk.
MILK MAN
Tough… Try breast-feeding they're big enough.
JANET
Cheeky bastard
BRIAN
Right I'm going to have him.
JANET STOPS HIM AND DRAGS HIM BACK.
JANET
No you don’t you daft sod get in the house.
BRIAN
Did you hear what he said? I’m not having him talk to you like that and what was all that about, you were giving the milkman the come on showing him your tits, what has he got that I haven’t?
JANET
A job? And I wasn't giving him the come on. I was simply trying to be nice to him, so he'd let us off paying the milk bill till next week, until you opened your big mouth.
BRIAN
Is that what you get up to when I'm out?
JANET STARTS TO COUNT ON HER FINGERS
JANET
So far lets see I've had the Milk Man, Gas Man, Window Cleaner, Rent Man, the chance would be a fine thing Brian you never go out you’re always vegged out in front of the telly.
BRIAN
Yeah whatever where’s my dinner
BRIAN SITS AT THE TABLE NEXT TO THE BABY IN THE HIGH CHAIR AND OPPOSITE HIS FIVE YEAR OLD SON. HE STARES AT HIS ALMOST EMPTY PLATE.
BRIAN
What’s that?
JANET
What does it look like? Its your dinner.
BRIAN
But… but it's an almost empty plate?
JANET QUICKLY OPENS THE CUPBOARD, FRIDGE THEN SHOWS HIM HER EMPTY PURSE THEN STARTS THROWING THE BILLS ON THE TABLE ONE BY ONE, SHE IS VERY ANGRY
JANET
I know its an almost empty plate so are my cupboards, so is my fridge, so is my bloody purse maybe you'll get the message, and another thing, look at these bills more bills and more bills they're not going to pay them selves are they, and there’ll be another mouth to feed soon when I’ve had this baby.
BRIAN
We’ll get by, we always do
BRIAN LOOKS AT HIS SONS PLATE ITS FULL
BRIAN
Got any tomato sauce? Wait a minute look at his plate .How come the kids get more grub than me?
JANET
Oh, you want to see your kids starve now do you?
THE BABY FLICKS FOOD
BRIAN
Look he's chucking it all over the place.
BRIAN WHISPERS IN THE BABY’S EAR.
BRIAN
Waster.
THE BABY FLICKS FOOD IN BRIAN’S FACE, THE OLDER SON LAUGHS.
JANET HAS HER BACK TO BRIAN, SHE IS WASHING THE POTS
JANET
I might as well talk to my bloody self. I should have listened to my dad, don’t marry him Janet he’s a lazy fat slob. Christ knows what I saw in you all those years ago.
BRIAN
Anyway what're you worried about? I get my benefit on Thursday.
JANET
And how far is that going to go after you and your stupid mate Dudley have pissed it against the wall, I've had enough Brian. I've had enough of you, the kids, and this bloody house, either you get a job soon or I’m off and that’s no idle threat.
BRIAN IS BUSY SNEAKILY STEALING FOOD OFF HIS BABY’S PLATE JANET TURNS ROUND AND CATCHES HIM.
JANET
What're you doing?
BRIAN LOOKS EMBARRASSED
BRIAN
What?
JANET
I saw that.
BRIAN
Saw what?
JANET
Stealing food off your own kid’s plate how low can you go Brian?
BRIAN
No I wasn't. Was I Jake?
JAKE
Yes he was mum. He was stealing mine as well. He always steals my food.
BRIAN
Thanks mate!
JANET IS NOW FURIOUS AND STARTS THROWING THINGS
FX KNOCK KNOCK
BRIAN
That'll be the door. I'll get it
BRIAN OPENS THE DOOR TO DUDLEY DODGING DINNER PLATES BEING THROWN AT HIM
DUDLEY
Have I come at the wrong time?
A PLATE SMASHES ABOVE BRIAN'S HEAD
BRIAN
No…no come in we're having one of them Greek dinners
DUDLEY
I can come back later if you want?
BRIAN
What do you want Dudley? Will you pack that in Janet?
DUDLEY PRODUCES AN EMPTY TEA CUP.
DUDLEY
Err you couldn't do us a favour could you? Borrow us a cup of sugar.
BRIAN
Dudley wants to borrow a cup of sugar. Watch out in coming.
JANET THROWS ANOTHER PLATE THIS TIME JUST MISSING HIM. BRIAN GRABS HIS COAT
BRIAN
There’s your answer. I'm off out I’ll be round Dudley’s if you want me, it’ll give you time to cool off.
JANET
Cool off cool off I’ll give you cool off don’t come back in this house until you've found a job… I mean it
JANET SLAMS THE DOOR. BRIAN AND DUDLEY START WALKING THE SHORT DISTANCE TO DUDLEY'S HOUSE
SCENE 2. EXT STREET WALKING TOWARDS DUDLEYS HOUSE A FEW DOORS AWAY
DUDLEY
Don’t tell me, money problems.
BRIAN
No we've just won the lottery, we just cant decide what to do with the money.
DUDLEY
You’re kidding me aren’t you?
BRIAN
Get real dick head you know we've got money problems we’ve always got money problems.
DUDLEY
You're not the only one you know. Sheila and me are in the same boat.
BRIAN
What? you’ve only been married two minutes. you wait till you’ve got 2 kids and the local bingo hall to support, not to worry though we’ll be ok soon
DUDLEY
Oh yeah why’s that then?
BRIAN
She having another baby isn‘t she… more child benefit
DUDLEY
Isn’t that supposed to be for the baby
BRIAN
What is the baby going to do with it? it’s a baby
SCENE 3. EXT DUD’S HOUSE
THEY NOW WALK INTO DUDLEY'S HOUSE THE HOUSE IS EMPTY DUDLEY’S NEW WIFE SHEILA IS IN THE KITCHEN
BRIAN
Shit where's all your stuff Dudley?
SHEILA
The bailiffs took it this morning didn't they Dudley. Did you get any sugar?
DUDLEY
Err no
SHEILA
It doesn't matter they took the kettle as well.
BRIAN
What’s happened?
SHEILA
We borrowed too much money to pay for the wedding, now we can’t pay it back so they took everything even the wedding presents.
BRIAN
Even the salt and pepper pots me and Janet bought you? How low can you get.
SHEILA IS NOW STANDING THERE WITH A GRIP IN HER HAND
DUDLEY
Where are you going?
SHEILA
I thought I'd go round my mum’s house for a few days.
DUDLEY
Why, What have I done?
SHEILA
There’s nothing to keep me here is there?
DUDLEY
What about me! Don’t go Sheila I’ll get a job things will get better you’ll see.
SHEILA
Don’t worry Dudley I'm not leaving you forever. I’ll only be away for a few days just till things sort them selves out. At least I'll get a cup of tea round my mums and I can keep up with my soaps. See you later love.
DUDLEY STANDS SHELL SHOCKED AS HIS WIFE KISSES HIM ON THE FORE HEAD AND WALKS OUT THE DOOR
DUDLEY
Sheila… Sheila
DUDLEY
Phone me
SHE IS NOW WALKING DOWN THE PATH
SHEILA
They took that as well.
BRIAN
That reminded me of that film. What was it called? Gone With The Wind. You know the bit when Clarke Gable walks out on Scarlet O'Hara, except he didn't leave her for a cup of tea
DUDLEY
Its not funny Brian I only got married 2 months ago
BRIAN PUTS HIS ARM AROUND DUDLEY’S SHOULDER
BRIAN
She’ll be back they always come back don’t let it worry you Janet left me on our wedding night.
DUDLEY
I know, I was the best man remember, mind you, you cant blame her when you tried to get off with her sister.
BRIAN
They were identical twins and I was pissed. Happens all the time.
DUDLEY
Yeah but there was no excuse for trying it on with Janet’s mum.
BRIAN
Like I said I was pissed God I must have been really pissed. Come on I'll buy you a pint.
MICKEY (Gang leader hard)
SHEILA (Dudley’s wife soft)
BUNG (Gang member big)
SPIKE (Gang member small)
OTHERS
TRAFFIC WARDEN (afro-Caribbean)
LAD (Garage kiosk attendant)
OLD WOMAN (Runs the Post Office)
POLICEMAN 1
POLICEMAN 2
INSPECTOR
PASSER BY
MILKMAN
JAKE
BABY
LOCATIONS
INT BRIAN’S HOUSE
EXT STREET
INT DUDLEY’S HOUSE
INT PUB
EXT CAR 1
EXT CAR 2
INT POST OFFICE
INT TERRY’S HOUSE
INT MICKEY’S HOUSE
EXT CAR 3
INT GARAGE
EXT COUNTRY LANE