INT BILLET
EXT FIELD
INT PARADE SQUARE
EXT BILLET
INT COOKHOUSE
EXT OUTSIDE BILLET
INT BILLET
INT COOKHOUSE (KITCHEN)
INT BRIEFING ROOM
EXT OUTSIDE BILLET
EXT FIELD/ ROAD
EXT WOOD
INT PUB
EXT WOOD
INT PUB
EXT OUTSIDE PUB
INT PUB
INT INSIDE LAND ROVER
EXT ROAD
INT HOSPITAL
SCENE 1 INT THE BILLET
IT IS VERY OLD FASHIONED WITH A HIGHLY POLISHED FLOOR. THERE ARE FOUR SOLDIERS IN THE ROOM. PRATT IS READING A PORN MAG AND WOCKO IS HALF ASLEEP COMIC. HATTY IS BUSY POLISHING HIS BOOTS
HATTY
Look at the shine on those boots. What do you reckon Eddie? I bet you wish you could get your boots that good?
PRATT
What the hell are you doing that for, are you trying to show us all up?
HATTY
It's called pride, something that you haven't got. Something that you'll never have. You can walk round like a bag of shit if you want, I've got standards to keep up, I'm going places.
PRATT
Well hurry up and piss off then, and give us all a break.
WOCKO
HATTY
You know what I mean. When I get promoted.
PRATT
Promoted you!? You'll never get a stripe on your arm for as long as you've got a hole in your arse.
WOCKO PICKS UP HIS ARMY TROUSERS THEY HAVE A BIG HOLE IN AROUND THE CRUTCH.
WOCKO
Talking of holes, look at this one. Eh ,Hatty mate, borrow me your needle and cotton there's a pal.
AS WOCKO APPROACHES HATTY'S LOCKER,
HATTY KICKS IT SHUT.
HATTY
No you don’t, theirs a NAAFI down the road , buy some
like I have too.
WOCKO (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)
But its shut… come on don’t be such a tight bastard help your fellow room mate in his hour of need… please! If we were in battle I'd give you my last bullet I would
HATTY
Would you Wocko
WOCKO
Cause I would
PRATT
I would too…. In his head Forget it Wocko you're wasting your time, he wouldn't do anything for anyone apart from me.
HATTY
Ha! you're the last person I help
PRATT
Oh yeah
HATTY
Yes
PRATT
Are you sure about that?
PRATT GETS UP AND GRABS HATTY'S BOOTS.
HATTY
Eh watch what your doing? I spent bloody hours on them, give me them back.
PRATT HANDS HATTY A SCRUFFY PAIR OF BOOTS.
PRATT
These are yours I switched them when you wasn't looking.
THEY ALL LAUGH
HATTY
You wanker you mean I've been bulling your boots for the last four hours,
PRATT
I was going to say something, but you were doing such a good job. Tut, look you've missed a bit look.
HATTY
We've got an inspection tomorrow morning… what am I going to do, and I've run out of polish.
PRATT
It’s the old 6 P's Hatty Preparation and planning prevents piss poor performance…Don’t look at me, I haven't got any, why do you think I got you to do them. It looks like your promotion hopes have taken a bit of a nose dive why don’t you ask Wocko.
WOCKO IS SMILING
WOCKO
HATTY IS NOW SMILING
Wocko, mate I'll do you a trade. Your polish
for my needle and cotton.
WOCKO
How does fuckoff grab yer… there's a NAAFI down the road.
HATTY
But it's shut. Come on Wocko, please. I'll even sow that hole up for you.
HATTY
Please Wocko
WOCKO GIVES HATTY HIS GROTTY PAIR OF TROUSERS. HATTY ACCEPTS THEM RELUCTANTLY.
WOCKO
Okay it's a deal, my polish is in my locker…somewhere!
HATTY OPENS THE LOCKER. IT’S A MESS.
EVERYTHING'S CRAMMED IN, AND IT STINKS.
HATTY
On second thoughts forget it. I'd need a battalion
of Gurkhas to search that rat infested shit hole
EVERYONE IS TELLING WOCKO TO SHUT HIS
LOCKER DOOR. IT'S STINKING THE ROOM OUT.
NEW BOY PRIVATE PARKIN AND CORPORAL CLARK BURST INTO THE ROOM, AND WALK TOWARDS HIS NEW BED SPACE THEY ALL LOOK ON THE NEW BOY PARKIN IS STRUGGLING WITH HIS CASES KIT BAG.
CPL CLARK
Right Parkin unpack your gear. Lights out in five minutes. Reveille 0630. Shit, shower, shave. Breakfast 0700. Room jobs completed by 0730. On parade 0800. You got that Any questions?
PARKIN LOOKS AT HIS BED. IT HAS NO MATTRESS ON IT.
PARKIN
Yeah. What do I sleep on Corporal? There's no mattress.
CPL CLARK
Matress!? This isn't a holiday camp Try springs. If you’d have got here three hours ago like you were suppose too, you would have had some bedding, when the stores was open. Any more stupid questions?
CPL CLARK ADDRESSES THE ROOM
This is Private Parkin. He's a new member of our section. Make sure he knows the score for tomorrow morning's inspection.
PRATT
Eh Corpse, you couldn’t do the honours and tuck us in down the bottom. There's a terrible draft blowing around my feet.
CPL CLARK LEANS OVER TO PRATT WHO IS THE NEXT BED ALONG THE WHOLE ROOM ARE LAUGHING.
Shut it you, and its not Corpse its Corporal
it's not to late for a run round the square in full kit and that goes for the rest of you now get some sleep.
CPL CLARK STARTS TO WALK AWAY. PRATT WHISPERS BEHIND HIS COMIC.
PRATT
Gets a couple of stripes, and they go to his bloody head.
CPL CLARK
What was that?
PRATT
Nothing Corpse, I was just telling new boy he’d better hurry up and get in bed.
CPL CLARK
A word of warning to you Parkin, keep away from him, he’s trouble. Do you hear me?
PARKIN
Yes Corporal.
CPL CLARK
Lights out in two minutes.
HATTY
But I haven't finished doing my kit yet.
PRATT SPEAKS SARCASTICALLY FROM BEHIND HIS MAG
PRATT
Done mine.
HATTY GIVES PRATT A DIRTY LOOK.
CPL CLARK
Tuff shit. You should've thought of that earlier.
CPL CLARK EXITS THE ROOM.
PRATT
So what do they call you then, new boy?
PARKIN
Well, me mates call me Parky.
PRATT
You’re gonna have to earn that, new boy from now on your names new boy got that new boy got any fags new boy?
PARKIN
Oh, yeah!
PARKIN GETS HIS CIGARETTES OUT, HATTY AND WOCKO SUDDENLY APPEAR HE'S NOW SURROUNDED. PRATT TAKES TWO.
PARKIN
Eh. They’ve got to last me till payday.
PRATT
How long have you signed on for, new boy?
PARKIN
Six years.
PRATT
Six years, I’ll give you six weeks.
PARKIN
What makes you say that?
PRATT
You don’t look the type. I’ll give you six weeks and you’ll be crying home to mummy, like the rest of them. We've seen 'em come, and we've seen 'em go. Haven't we lads?… and you're a seen 'em go.
PARKIN IS UNPACKING HIS GEAR.
PARKIN
So, how long have you been in?
THE ROOM LAUGH PRATT LOOKS SURPRISED HE ASKED THE QUESTION.
PRATT
I've changed my mind…. make that six seconds.
WOCKO
Eddie joined the same time as Oliver Cromwell, didn’t you Eddie?
HATTY
Eh, new boy, you haven't got any black polish have you?
PARKIN
Err, no.
PARKIN PULLS OUT A SMALL PICTURE FRAME OF A GOOD LOOKING BIRD, AND PUTS IT ON HIS BEDSIDE LOCKER.
PRATT
PHWOOR!… You lucky sod, I’d give her one. That is what you call fit. Check it out boys
WOCKO
Eh, you’re not married are you?
THE REST OF THE LADS ARE HAVING A LOOK, WHILE PARKIN IS LAYING OUT HIS SLEEPING BAG.
PARKIN
No, but she is… to my dad!
PRATT
If she was my old girl, I’d be crying home to mum tomorrow.
WOCKO
Where you breast fed as a child?
EVERYONE LOOKS AT WOCKO, AND THERE'S SILENCE. WOCKO IS EMBARRASSED.
WOCKO
What?… Just curious that’s all!
CPL CLARK ENTERS THE ROOM.
PRATT
Watch out, Doctor Death's here again.
PARKIN LOOKS OPENED MOUTHED. CPL CLARK TURNS THE LIGHTS OUT.
PARKIN
Hold on with those lights, I haven’t finish unpacking my kit yet.
CPL CLARK
You've had long enough… and Pratt, no funny business.
PRATT
What me Corpse?
CPL CLARK
You know what I mean…. and it's Corporal.
THE DOOR CLOSES. THERE'S TOTAL DARKNESS. PARKIN STARTS TO MOAN.
PARKIN
Great. My kit's all over the place, no bloody mattress. Argh… and I've got a spring sticking in my back.
PRATT
You can always top and tail with Wocko new boy.
PARKIN
Why do we have to have the lights out this early, it's only ten o’clock?
PRATT
It’s a full moon ain't it. Corpse wants to get into his coffin, before they drive a stake through his heart.
EVERYONE LAUGHS. PARKIN CONTINUES TO MOAN.
PARKIN
I wish I was back in training company…I should've joined the artillery, like my dad told me too.
BOOTS ARE FLUNG ACROSS THE ROOM.
PARKIN
Ouch! That hurt. Who threw that?
WOCKO
Me. And it was meant to. Now get some sleep, before you get my other size twelve.
PARKIN IS MOANING TO HIMSELF QUIETLY.
SCENE 2 EXT PARADE SQUARE
A BUGLER STANDS ALONE, BLOWING RETREAT. IN THE BACKGROUND ALL THE LIGHTS ARE GOING OUT AROUND CAMP.
SCENE 3 EXT FIELD, SQUARE AND BILLET
IT IS NOW 0630. WE HEAR THE BUGLER PLAYING REVEILLE. EVERYONE'S WAKING UP, OR PUTTING PILLOWS ON THEIR HEADS. THEN WE SEE A MISSING BED
CLOSE UP OF THE BUGLER, STILL PLAYING THE WAKE UP CALL. THEN THE CAMERA PANS TO PARKIN'S FACE, WHO IS FAST ASLEEP, SNORING AWAY. HE THEN OPENS HIS EYES, SITS UP SHARPLY AND REALISES HE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIELD FULL OF SHEEP. THERE'S EVEN ONE IN BED WITH HIM. HE SHOUTS AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE. WE SEE THE WHOLE OF THE FIELD, WITH PARKIN IN THE MIDDLE.
PARKIN
Argh!… What the hell?
SCENE 4 INT BACK IN THE BILLET
PARKIN WALKS IN HALF NAKED, DRAGGING HIS SLEEPING BAG BEHIND HIM. EVERYONE ELSE IS NEARLY DRESSED, SOME ARE LAUGHING.
HATTY
What happened to you new boy, we thought you’d gone absent without leave.
PARKIN
Very funny. Thanks a fucking bunch.
PRATT
Stop moaning. Everyone gets it on their first day. A word of advice. It pays to sleep with one eye open around here.
HATTY
Yeah! Just think yourself lucky. Wocko woke up under three feet of snow on his first day, and he lost a toe through frost bite, didn't you Wocko?
WOCKO
That’s right, and I've still got the toe to prove it.
WOCKO REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT HIS SHRUNKEN BLACK TOE ON A KEY RING.
PRATT
HATTY
That’s disgusting put it away
EVERYONE STARTS TO BRUSH PAST THE NEW BOY.
PARKIN
Where is everyone going?
PRATT
Breakfast.
PARKIN
Someone give us a hand to get my bed back… please.
PRATT
Sorry, can’t miss breakfast. Queens Parade.
PARKIN
But… but.
THEY ALL LEAVE, PARKIN IS LEFT ALONE.
SCENE 5 INT COOKHOUSE
AND THEY ARE STARTING TO PUT THE SHUTTERS DOWN. PARKIN'S ROOM MATES ARE IN THE BACKGROUND. PARKIN WALKS IN.
COOKIE
Sorry son, breakfast finished ten minutes ago. This isn’t a bloody hotel you know.
PARKIN
Ar, come on, there must be something left I can have. I’m starving.
COOKIE
All I’ve got is beans.
PARKIN HOLDS HIS PLATE OUT.
PARKIN
That’ll do, anything, pour em on.
COOKIE SCOOPS UP A MASSIVE DOLLOP OF BURNT, STUCK TOGETHER, CONGEALED BEANS, AND DEPOSITS THE SOLID LUMP ONTO HIS PLATE. PARKIN PULLS A FACE.
COOKIE
Here, don’t forget your toast.
COOKIE STICKS TWO PIECES OF BURNT, BLACK TOAST INTO THE MESS.
COOKIE
Enjoy!
PARKIN
Cheers!
PARKIN TAKES A SEAT NEXT TO HIS NEW ROOM MATES, BUT NOT ON THE SAME TABLE, BECAUSE HE IS UPSET WITH THEM. HE STARES AT HIS FOOD.
PRATT
Look lads… look at the size of the helping of beans new boy's got.
HATTY
Bloody favouritism that is.
PARKIN IS PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD.
PARKIN
Food! More like ball bearings( HE DROPS HIS KNIFE AND FORK ) I don’t think I can stomach this.
PRATT
It’s not the going in you want to worry about, it’s when they come out. They’re the army’s new secret weapon. When you’re down to your last bullet, jump out of your trench, point your arse at the enemy, and let go. Lethal at 100 yards,
WOCKO
Better than any grenade.
PARKIN HOLDS HIS STOMACH
PARKIN
There's only one place for this lot and that’s in the bin
WOCKO GRABS HIS PLATE OF BEANS.
WOCKO
Waste not want not.
HATTY LOOKS AT WOCKO IN DISGUST.
HATTY
Your eating habits are disgusting.
WOCKO SPEAKS WITH A MOUTH FULL OF BEANS.
PRATT
You are a walking skip Wocko
WOCKO GIVES PARKIN HIS LEFT OVER CORNFLAKES.
WOCKO
Here, new boy, get that down your neck.
PARKIN
Cheers Wocko… Err… no thanks. Salad cream on corn flakes, doesn't do anything for me.
PRATT
We better get our skates on, else the Corpse will be after our blood. Quite partial to a bit of the red stuff, old Dracula.
THEY’RE ALL GETTING UP TO LEAVE. PARKIN'S STILL EATING.
PARKIN
Why, what’s the rush?
HATTY
Room inspection in ten minutes.
PARKIN NEARLY CHOKES.
PARKIN
What? You've got to be joking
HIS ROOM MATES IGNORE HIM AS THEY WALK OUT. COOKIE IS NOW STANDING BEHIND PARKIN LOOKING MEAN.
PARKIN
Wait up, wait for me.
COOKIE PUTS HIS HAND ON PARKIN'S SHOULDER.
COOKIE
You're going nowhere, until you've eaten them beans sonny boy.
PARKIN
But I'll be late.
COOKIE GETS MAD.
COOKIE
You wanted them, you eat them.
SCENE 6 EXT OUTSIDE BILLET.
PARKIN IS IN THE DISTANCE. CPL CLARK IS SHOUTING, LOOKING AT HIS WATCH.
CPL CLARK
Come on Parkin, get a move on. You're late.
PARKIN IS OUT OF BREATH.
PARKIN
Sorry Corpse, err…. Corporal.
CPL CLARK
Parkin you were late arriving here late going up late for breakfast if you don’t sort yourself out you'll be the LATE PRIVATE PARKIN you hear me go and stand by your bed.
PARKIN GOES TO WALK OFF, THEN STOPS AND TURNS TO THE CORPORAL.
PARKIN
But Corporal, I haven’t got a bed.
CPL CLARK
What do you mean you haven’t got a bed?
PARKIN
It’s still in the field.
CPL CLARK
What’s it doing in the fucking field… Pratt! It’s too late now, get inside.
SCENE 7 INT INSIDE BILLET
EVERYBODY IS STOOD BY THEIR RESPECTIVE BEDS, LAUGHING AT PARKIN WHO'S BUSY TRYING TO TIDY HIMSELF UP, READY FOR THE INSPECTION.
PARKIN
Thanks lads. Thanks a bunch.
CPL CLARK
Come on you lot, stand by your beds. They'll be here any second.
PRATT
But Corpse, I got to go.
CPL CLARK
Go where ?
PRATT
To the bog, I need to take a piss.
CPL CLARK
It's too late now, you'll have to hold it.
CPL CLARK LOOKS ROUND THE DOOR TO SEE IF THEY'RE COMING. WHILE PRATT IS RELEAVING HIMSELF BEHIND THE LOCKER DOOR. WE HEAR THE INTERMITTENT SOUND OF FILLING A WATER BOTTLE.
CPL CLARK
What the hell are you doing Pratt?
PRATT WHISPERS TO PARKIN.
PRATT
When you gotta go, you've gotta go!
PRATT TIMES IT JUST RIGHT, AND STANDS BACK IN FRONT OF HIS BED.
CPL CLARK
Listen in. Room….attention!.
THE PLATOON SERGEANT AND PLATOON COMMANDER ENTER THE ROOM. THEY ALL STAND TO ATTENTION. PLATOON COMMANDER APPROACHES PRATT AND INSPECTS HIM AND HIS LOCKER.
REMEMBER THE PC CANNOT PRONOUNCE HIS R's
PLATOON COMMANDER
Have you seen the state of this miwa Platoon Sergeant?
THE SGT LOOKS AT THE MIRROR.
PLATOON SERGEANT
Miwa Sir?
WE HEAR SNIGGERING
PC
"Miwa"
PLATOON SERGEANT
Oh mirror sir…When was the last time you cleaned this mirror, Pratt?
PRATT LOOKS AROUND AT THE SERGEANT.
PRATT
This morning, Sergeant.
SGT
Face your front, and its Sir, there's an officer on parade. You didn’t do a very good job, did you soldier? Look at it… I said face your front. Its in a shit state… I want it cleaned straight after this inspection.
PRATT
Yes Sir. It’ll be spotless Sir. You’ll be able to see your face in it, Sir.
WE HEAR GIGGLING IN THE BACKGROUND
SGT (SHOUTING)
Shut up!!
THE SERGEANT HAS A WORD IN PRATT'S EAR.
Think you’re a comedian, don’t you Pratt?
PRATT
No Sergeant, I mean no Sir.
SGT
Well I don’t find you funny at all.
THE SERGEANT PICKS UP PRATT'S WATER BOTTLE AND SHAKES IT.
SGT
Water bottles are supposed to be empty for inspection. You know better than that. What's in it, whisky again? You wont learn will you?
HE OPENS THE BOTTLE AND POURS PRATTS PISS INTO HIS HIP FLASK AND SMILES THINKING HE'S GOT ONE OVER ON HIM
SGT
I'm going to have to confiscate this Pratt. Corporal Clark, put this man on weekend guard duties.
PRATT
Yes Sergeant.
THE PC MOVES ON TO PARKIN, WHO STANDS IN FRONT OF AN EMPTY SPACE, WHERE HIS BED SHOULD BE.
PC
And who are you?
SGT
Parkin Sir, joined us yesterday, fresh from Training Company.
PC
Settling in well Parkin?
PARKIN
Yes.
PC
What wank am I parkin?
MORE SNIGGERING
SGT
Be quiet you lot
PARKIN
Pardon
SGT
Rank parkin the platoon commander is a lieutenant that means you call him sir understood
PARKIN
Yes Sir
PC
It’s always nice to see a fresh face… err Platoon Sergeant, this man appears to have no bed, why is that?
THE PC LOOKS AT THE SGT. THE SGT LOOKS AT CPL CLARK
SGT
Well Corporal Clark, why hasn’t this man got a bed?
CPL CLARK DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY AND IS LOST FOR WORDS.
CPL CLARK
I haven't got a clue Sir, he had one last night.
PC
Wearly so, where did you sleep last night Parkin?
PARKIN
In a field full of sheep, Sir.
PC
Sheep? What where you doing in a field full of sheep?… no forget it, spare me the details, I don’t want to know.
PRATT
Permission to speak, Sir!… Private Parkin was snoring loudly, so we removed him from the room, Sir.
THE SERGEANT IS SMILING
PC
Why didn't you just wake him up? The poor lad could of caught a chill… It's not funny Sergeant Billings.
SGT
No Sir, it's not Sir.
PC (SHOUTS)
I will not have this tom foolery going on in my bawacks wooms, is that clear?
SGT
Yes Sir. Point taken Sir.
WE HEAR MORE LAUGHING. THE PC APPROACHES HATTY.
PC
Good turn out Hatfield, apart from the boots. Maybe you should get Private Pratt to show you how to bull boots pwoperly.
PRATT IS SMILING. THE SERGEANT GIVES HATTY A SURPRISED LOOK.
PRATT GIGGLES.
SGT (SHOUTING)
Shut it, the next man who opens his mouth will be down that guard room.
THE PC NOW APPROACHES WOCKO WITH CAUTION.
PC
Watkinson, you stink. You look like a bag of shite. Your bed isn’t made pwoperly, and look at your locker man… Platoon Sergeant.
THE SERGEANT AND PC PEER IN AT WOCKOS LOCKER. THERE IS ONLY A BIG BLACK BIN LINER IN THE LOCKER, FULL OF CLOTHES.
SGT
Where is all your kit, Watkinson?
WOCKO
In the bag Sir, that’s my dirty washing for the laundrette.
THE SERGEANT AND PC LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN DISBELIEF. THE SERGEANT THEN PEELS ONE OF WOCKO’S SOCKS OFF HIS LOCKER DOOR, AND HOLDS IT UP.
SGT
You missed something.
WOCKO
So that’s what the smell is!
SGT
I wonder if I threw this out of the window would it start eating the grass?… Show Parade tonight.
WOCKO
I’m already on Show Parade tonight, Sir.
SGT
Okay, tomorrow night, then.
WOCKO
And tomorrow night, Sir. In fact, I’m fully booked up for the rest of the week, Sir.
SGT
Shut up. I give up with you Watkinson. If we ever go to war, just make sure you’re next to me, the enemy would run a mile, if they smelt you coming. You can join Pratt on guard this weekend.
PC HAS FINISHED HIS INSPECTION.
PC
Platoon Sergeant.
SGT
Sir.
PC
Bwief the men. I’ll see you this evening, cawy on.
THE SERGEANT SALUTES.
SGT
Sir… listen in room, room attention… stand easy.
THE SERGEANT STARTS TO SHOUT.
SGT
Well… well… well… you lot never fail to amaze me. You are all confined to camp this weekend. This room is a disgrace, its bogging. Some of you lot want taking out onto the Parade Square and hosing down, or even better shot. The good news is, the Platoon Commander has given you the rest of the day off…
THE WHOLE ROOM CHEER.
SGT
So you can prepare yourself for tonight’s Navigation Exercise.
THE WHOLE ROOM SIGH.
SGT
Carry on Corporal Clark.
CPL CLARK
You heard the Platoon Sergeant. Make sure your kit's
done for tonight, before you go swanning off.
THEY ALL START PREPARING.
CPL CLARK EXITS THE ROOM.
THEY ALL STOP PREPARING, APART FROM HATTY.
PRATT
Right, who's coming down the NAAFI for a game of pool. What about you, new boy?
PARKIN
You heard the Corporal. We're supposed to be preparing for tonight’s Night Nav.
PRATT
Prepare what? Bollocks to that. Just chuck your kit on, put your mind in neutral, and follow the twat in front of you. We usually get lost anyway, Clarky couldn’t read a map if it was tattooed to his eye lids. Well, come on somebody, give me a game. I've got a big match coming up. I've got to practice.
.
PRATT
What about you Hatty…Wocko?
HATTY IS BULLING HIS BOOTS
HATTY
I'm busy.
WOCKO IS LOOKING IN HIS BAGS OF WASHING.
AND STARTS EMPTYING HIS WASHING
BAGS ON HIS BED. THEY STINK THE ROOM OUT.
HATTY PUTS HIS BOOTS DOWN
HATTY
I've changed my mind I will have you that game of pool
PARKIN
And me
SCENE 8 INT BRIEFING ROOM
THE PLATOON COMMANDER IS BRIEFING THE PLATOON ON THE NIGHT NAVIGATION EXERCISE. ALL THE MEN ARE IN FULL CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORM. WEARING CAMCREAM (FACE PAINT). THEY SIT IN A GROUP LISTENING WHILE WE SEE ON A BLACKBOARD A DIAGRAM WITH THE WORDS ' EXERCISE DEAD STUDENT'.
PC
Okay, I’ll go through the main points again. We move from here to the start point, for a spot inspection, which you’ll be scored on. Then each Section Commander will be given eight grid weferences. You’ll move out in ten minute intervals. For ewery check point you reach you’ll weceive two points. And don’t forget, wemain on your guard at all times, myself and Sergeant Billins will be acting as the enemy, if we catch you, you’ll lose one point, and be taken back in the land wover two miles. So, don’t forget, stay alert. Did you hear that Pratt?
PRATT IS ASLEEP AND SUDDENLY WAKES UP.
PRATT
What… Eh… yes Sir.
PC
What did I say then?
PRATT
Don’t forget to wear a skirt at all times.
PC
Platoon Sergeant, deduct one point from Pratt's Section. wight, move out everyone.
CPL CLARK TURNS TO PRATT AND GIVES HIM A DIRTY LOOK.
PRATT
What?
PLATOON SERGEANT
Right Section Commanders, get your men outside, ready for inspection.
EVERYONE GETS UP AND MOVES OUT.
SCENE 9 OUTSIDE OF BILLIT IT'S GETTING DARK
THE SECTION ARE IN A LINE READY FOR INSPECTION. IT’S A COLD, ICEY NIGHT. CPL CLARK IS GETTING HIS GRIDS. THE SERGEANT IS INSPECTING. HE FIRST INSPECTS PARKIN.
SGT
Get more cam cream on Parkin, I can still see your ugly mush.
PARKIN
But Sergeant, it gives me blackheads.
SGT
Does it really? And I suppose your y fronts give you nappy rash.
PARKIN
No Sergeant, but I do find that if the elastic is too tight I get a large swelling right on the end of my…
THE SERGEANT QUICKLY INTERRUPTS HIM.
SGT
Stop talking shite, didn’t they teach you anything in training? Why do we put cam cream on Parkin?
PARKIN
Err… to break up the outline of your face, so you blend into the background.
SGT
Correct!
THE SERGEANT PUSHES THE CAM CREAM TUBE INTO HIS CHEST HARD.
SGT
More cam cream before I break up the outline of your face, and you’ll definitely blend into the background.
HE NEXT WALKS UP TO PRATT, WHO HAS TOO MUCH ON . WALKS, NODS HIS HEAD. HE THEN WALKS UP TO HATTY WHO'S FACE IS CAKED IN IT AS WELL. YOU ONLY SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES.
SGT
Are you two brothers?
HATTY AND PRATT LOOK AT EACH OTHER DUMBLY. THE SERGEANT WALKS UP TO WOCKO.
SGT
Well done Private Watkinson, that’s how you put cam cream on. Nice and evenly all over, everyone else take note.
WOCKO
But Sergeant I haven’t put any on yet .
THE SERGEANT'S EXPRESSION SPEAKS FOR ITSELF
SGT
Right gentlemen, let's have you jumping up and down. Remember you're patrolling at night, that means no banging or clanging. I don’t want to hear a sound… well, what are you waiting for, jump.
THEY ALL START TO DO IT. WE THEN HEAR THE MOST ALMIGHTY CLATTER OF MESS TINS ETC AND A SLOSHING SOUND.
SGT
Stop!!!! The enemy would hear you lot coming from ten miles away. This is a night exercise gents, all of you get your kit off and sort it out. Not you Pratt, get here.
PRATT STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM AND IS PUZZLED.
SGT
Jump up and down.
WE HERE A WHOOSHING SOUND.
SGT
What the hell is that? You sound like a washing machine, open your jacket.
THE SGT PULLS OUT A HOT WATER BOTTLE.
PRATT
Oh dear how did that get in there?
SGT
You tell me, A hot water bottle you nouse I'll be having words with you later get back in line with the others.
THE SERGEANT ADDRESSES THE SECTION.
SGT
Listen in. Out of a maximum of five points, I'm awarding you one point, and that was for Watkinson's face camouflage… and that was a fluke. So gents, you’ve got a lot of catching up to do already, let's hope you have a better Night Nav.
Corporal Clark you can move out now. Do you know where you’re going?
CPL
Yes Sergeant, I’ve got it all sorted.
CPL CLARK IS BUSY LOOKING AT HIS MAP. HIS LADS FOLLOW HIM DOWN THE ROAD.
SGT
Corporal Clark.
CPL CLARK LOOKS BACK
SGT
It's that way.
THE SERGEANT POINTS IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
CPL
Course it is.
THE SECTION TURNS ROUND, PASSING THE SERGEANT AND PRATT MAKES A COMMENT TO THE SERGEANT.
PRATT
God help us.
YOU HEAR SHEEP BLEATING AS THEY DISAPPEAR INTO THE DISTANCE.
PRATT
We're all going to die!!
SCENE 10 EXT ON A FIELD NEAR A ROAD
THE SECTION IS MOVING ACROSS A FIELD IN SINGLE FILE. THERE'S A LOT OF MOANING. IT'S DARK, THEY’RE LOST .
PRATT
We’ve been going two hours and we haven’t even reached our first checkpoint yet.
HATTY
Admit it Carky, we’re lost aren’t we?
THEY COME TO A ROAD.
CPL CLARK
This isn’t right. There shouldn’t be a road here.
PRATT
You’re right Clarky… its the map that’s wrong, you always seem to get a bad one.
CPL CLARK
Shut it you, it's not my fault. How can I see any road marking in this snow.
THEY’RE ALL NOW IN A SMALL CIRCLE, LOOKING AT THE MAP WITH A TORCH. MORALE IS LOW.
PARKIN
Let me have look at the map, I'll tell you where we are.
HATTY
Button it new boy, Corpse knows where he’s going, don’t you Corpse?
CLARK GIVES THE TORCH TO PARKIN.
CPL CLARK
Here, make yourself useful. Hold that. Now according to the map we’re here, the check point is here, so, we are faced with one choice….. left or right?
PARKIN
It’s got to be left hasn’t it?
THEY ALL LOOK AT PARKIN
HATTY
Who asked you?
PARKIN
The check point's near Titmarch, isn’t it?
CPL CLARK
Err… yes!
PARKIN POINTS THE TORCH AT A ROAD SIGN WHICH IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.
PARKIN
Well, what does it say on that sign up there?
THE SIGN READS, TITMARSH 2 MILES, THEY ALL DUMBLY AGREE.
WOCKO
He’s right you know.
WOCKO PATS PARKIN ON THE BACK.
WOCKO
Parky, I love you, and I want to have your babies.
PARKIN
Get away from me, you nonce.
PRATT
Nice one, Parky.
PARKIN
Oh, now I’m Parky am I?
HATTY
The kids a genius.
SUDDENLY THEY HEAR THE SOUND OF A LAND ROVER.
CPL CLARK
Quick, everyone down.
HATTY
Hit the deck, it's them.
PRATT (WHISPERING)
You twat, Parkin, you’ve given our position away, shining that torch.
THE LAND ROVER STOPS ABOUT TWENTY YARDS AWAY FROM THEM, AND THE PLATOON COMMANDER AND SERGEANT JUMP OUT.
SGT
Right you lot, let's have you. You’re captured. Come on, stand up, I know you’re there.
PC
Are you sure you saw something Sergeant?
SGT
Yes Sir, they are definitely here. I saw a torch light.
PRATT
You see, I told you if we get caught, your dead meat, new boy.
SOMEONE FARTS.
CPL CLARK
SHHHHHHUSH.
THE SERGEANT SNIFFS THE AIR.
SGT
I know that smell anywhere, that’s Watkinsons smell. Come on, stand up, I know you’re there… this isn’t doing any of us any good. Come and have a lift in my nice warm Land Rover.
PC
Lets go, Sergeant. There’s no one here, apart from us, and a few sheep.
SGT
Just give it another five minutes, Sir (THE SERGEANT RAISES HIS VOICE) I’ll tell you what, why don’t you get out those fish 'n' chips.
WOCKO
Fish and chips, that’s it, I can't stand this anymore.
WOCKO TRY'S TO GET UP AND SURRENDER. THE TEMPTATION OF FISH AND CHIPS IS TOO GREAT FOR HIM. BUT PRATT AND PARKY HOLD HIM BACK.
CPL CLARK
Get down you idiot, it’s a trap.
WOCKO
But, I can smell the fish from here.
CPL CLARK
No, that's just Wocko control yourself.
THE PC LOOKS DUMBLY AT THE SGT, HE DOESN’T GET IT.
PC
Fish and chips Sergeant, what fish and chips?
SGT
Forget it Sir, let's go.
THEY DRIVE AWAY. EVERYONE STARTS TO GET UP. PARKIN STANDS UP FIRST.
PARKIN
Well, what are we waiting for, let's go.
CPL CLARK
Get down you fool, we’re staying put for a while, until they’re out of sight.
SCENE 12 INT INSIDE THE LAND ROVER
SGT
I'm telling you Sir, they were there alright.
THE SGT TAKES OUT HIS HIP FLASK
PC
So what if they were, and we had taken them two miles back. They're not even at the first check point yet, camp's only two miles away.
SGT
Here, have a swig of this Sir, courtesy of Private Pratt.
PC
No thanks, but you go ahead.
THE SGT TAKES A SWIG
PC
This weather's getting worse.
THE SGT SPITS IT OUT.
PC
What's up, too strong for you Sergeant?
SGT
Pratt, I'll kill him.
PC
That must be stwong stuff.
SCENE 12 ROAD SIDE EXT
IT’S NOW TEN MINUTES LATER, PARKIN IS BACK MAN. PRATT IS ASLEEP NEXT TO HIM, SNORING LOUDLY
PARKIN
Eddie, Eddie, wake up. Ask them when we are moving out, it should be safe by now.
PRATT LOOKS ROUND. THERE'S NOBODY THERE.
PRATT
There’s nobody there, they’ve gone.
PARKIN
What do you mean?
PRATT
Gone, left, scarpered.
PARKIN
I don’t believe it… you fell asleep didn’t you, you idiot.
PRATT
No I didn’t.
PARKIN
Now what are we going to do? It's freezing…. no map, torch or compass.
SMALL PAUSE.
PRATT
Well, you know what they say if your lost, head for the nearest signs of life.
PARKIN
Signs of life ? The only signs of life around here, are a few bleedin' sheep, and I can't see them giving us a piggy back ride back to camp.
PRATT
And it just so happens, there's a pub just over that hill.
PRATT POINTS TO A FLICKERING LIGHT IN THE DISTANCE.
PARKIN
Of course there is, and look disco lights and a strip joint oh and a casino.
PRATT IS LOOKING DUMBLY.
PRATT
Where?
PRATT REALISES PARKIN IS TAKING THE PISS.
PARKIN
It must be Las Vegas… forget it, I'm staying put till they find me.
PRATT
Suit yourself, I'm off .
PARKIN WAITS A WHILE AND THEN FOLLOWS HIM RELUCTANTLY.
PARKIN
Hold on, wait for me, you better be right.
PRATT
Trust me, I can smell beer from ten miles away.
SCENE 12 EXT THE CHECK POINT IN A WOOD
CPL CLARK ARRIVES AT HIS FIRST CHECK POINT. HIS LADS ARE TIRED OUT . THE PC AND SGT ARE STANDING THERE. IT IS NOW SNOWING HARD.
SGT
I don’t believe it, it’s Robin Hood and his Merry Men. They’ve actually made it to a check point.
WOCKO
Where’s those fish and chips?
SGT
You see Sir, I told you they were there… and there's that smell again.
PC
Okay, okay, Sergeant, you were wight, I was wrong. It doesn’t matter now does it. I’ve got some good news for you chaps. Due to the adverse weather conditions, Exercise Dead Student is cancelled. So get your kit off, grab a brew and get on the wagon.
THEY ALL CHEER
SCENE 13 INT PUB
IT IS A COUNTRY PUB. LOW CEILING, FULL OF LOCALS. PRATT AND PARKIN APPROACH THE BAR. THE BARMAID HAS LARGE BREASTS.
BARMAID (DOREEN)
I expected you an hour ago, where’ve you been luvvy?
PARKIN LOOKS AT PRATT SUSPICIOUSLY.
PRATT
Long story… two large ones please Doreen.
DOREEN
Err… is he old enough?
PARKIN
Of course I'm old enough.
DOREEN
Aren't you going to introduce me Eddie?
PRATT
Oh yeah, Parky this is Doreen. Parky has just joined us, fresh from Training Company.
DOREEN
So he's a virgin is he?
PARKIN LOOKS EMBARRASSED. DOREEN WINKS AT HIM. SHE IS NEARLY FINISHED PULLING THE PINTS.
PRATT
Have one yourself Doreen.
DOREEN
I'll have him.
PARKIN
You planned this didn’t you?
PRATT
What you and Doreen?
PARKIN
No you idiot, you tampered with Corpse's grid references didn’t you?
PRATT
I haven’t got the faintest idea what your talking about'
PARKIN
You know damn well what I'm talking about'
PRATT (LOOKS SURPRISED)
Are you accusing me of sabotage, disobeying orders and putting men's lives at risk, just for a few poxy pints of lager?
PARKIN
Yes.
PRATT
Okay you're right… now here, get that down your neck.
PARKIN
We'll get court marshalled for this.
PRATT
Calm down will you, everything’s under control… it’s freezing cold outside. So we stay here until closing time, then we jump in a taxi back to camp, and tell them we successfully navigated ourselves all the way home, without a map or compass. We’ll get a bloody medal.
PARKIN IS SHAKINGHIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF. PRATT DOWNS HIS PINT.
PARKIN
No, I don’t think so.
PRATT
Put another one in here Doreen, pet… anyway I’ve got a pool match in two minutes.
PARKIN
You what?
PRATT
It's the final, I'm playing the pub's unbeaten champion. There he is in the corner.
WE SEE A GIANT OF A MAN TAKING A PRACTICE SHOT. HE CLEARS MOST OF THE BALLS ON THE TABLE, THEN LOOKS UP AT PRATT. HE LOOKS MEAN .
PARKIN
Him… you’ve got no chance.
PRATT
Its not a wrestling match, it’s a pool match. I bet you the taxi fare home I beat him.
PARKIN
Okay, okay, your on. But we go as soon as the match is over.
PRATT IS WAVING AT GRAVILLE.
Be with you in a minute Granville, your round, new boy.
SCENE 14 EXT CHECK POINT
CPL CLARK IS CHECKING HIS MEN ( HEAD COUNT )
CPL CLARK
Eh, where’s Parkin and Pratt.
HATTY
Don’t ask me, I thought they were up front.
CPL CLARK
No, they were behind you.
HATTY
The only person behind me was Wocko. I know that for a fact. I could smell him.
WOCKO
Piss off
CPL CLARK
Come on guys, this is serious, where are they?
PC
Problem Corporal Clark?
CPL CLARK
Well it could be Sir, we’re two men short.
PC
What! Are you sure?
CPL CLARK
Yes Sir.
PC
Who?
CPL CLARK
Privates Parkin and Pratt, Sir.
PC
Gweat, that’s all we need.
CPL CLARK
Sorry Sir.
PC
Sorry, that’s not good enough. I’ll have your stwipes for this Corporal Clark. Do you wealise they could die out there.
SGT
I doubt it Sir, they’re probably in some pub somewhere.
PC
Sergeant, this is a sewious. Situwation
SGT
Yes Sir, you’re right Sir… right you lot, get your kit on, I want them men found. Corporal Clark get you and your men in that other land rover, and get searching. We’ll meet back here in one hour.
WE HEAR TROOPS MOANING IN THE BACK GROUND.
SCENE 15 INT PUB
WE SEE GRANVILLE MISS A SHOT .PRATT IS WINNING. PARKIN IS CHEERING HIS MATE ON.
PARKIN
Come on Eddie, come on, you can do it, come on.
PARKIN SUDDENLY STOPS CHEERING AND CHATS TO DOREEN, WHO HAS HER ARM AROUND HIM. HE'S SLIGHTLY DRUNK.
PARKIN
Hold on a minute, if he wins I’m paying for the taxi home… come on Granville, come on.
PRATT WINS BY POTTING THE BLACK WITH A FLUKEY SHOT. GRANVILLE GETS UP TO SHAKE HIS HAND ANGRILLY. PRATT SCREAMS IN PAIN.
GRANVILLE
Next time sonny, next time.
PARKIN
You’ve won, well done. What’s up Eddie?
PRATT
It’s me wrist, I think I’ve bust it.
DOREEN
There goes your love life.
PRATT
It’s not bloody funny.
PARKIN
Don’t worry about it. I’ll get you a whisky that’ll take the pain away.
THEY ARE NOW STANDING AT THE BAR WHEN SUDDENLY THE PC WALKS IN. THE ROOM GOES QUIET. PARKIN AND PRATT DISAPPEAR AND CRAWL BEHIND THE BAR.
DOREEN
Yes sir, what can I do for you, a pint is it?
PC
No thanks…. Err…. we seem to have lost two of our chaps.
DOREEN
What on a night like this, its freezing out there.
PC
Yes, they seem to have strayed from there Section.
DOREEN
What did they look like sir? Don’t tell me all in green, in black boots, carrying weapons and they’ve got dirty faces.
PC SMILES.
PC
Yes, that’s them.
DOREEN
No, we haven’t seen anything like that around here.
THE PC ADRESSES THE ROOM FULL OF LOCALS.
Have any of you seen a couple of my lads?
LOCALS SHAKE THEIR HEADS WITH A SERIOUS LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
PC
Well, if you do, could you wing the camp stwaight away here is the number.
DOREEN
Of course we will, now are you sure you don’t want a quick one.
PC
I beg your pardon?
DOREEN
A dwink.
PC
Err… no thanks I've got to go. I must find those lads before the weather gets any worse, good night to you.
DOREEN
Good night to you, and good luck.
THE PC WALKS OUT THE DOOR SHUTS BEHIND HIM. A FEW SECONDS PASS, THEN PC RE-ENTERS THE PUB QUICKLY, HOPING TO CATCH PARKIN AND PRATT COMING FROM THEIR HIDING PLACES. BUT THEY DON’T. EVERYONE STARES AT THE PC, WHO LOOKS A LITTLE EMBARESSED. TO TRY AND HIDE HIS EMBARESSMENT, HE WALKS UP TO THE BAR, AND ORDERS A BAG OF CRISPS.
PC
Err…. a bag of cwisps please.
DOREEN
What flavour?
PC
Flavour…! Err cheese and onion please.
PRATT AND PARKIN ARE BEHIND THE BAR. PARKIN IS ON HIS KNEES. DOREEN REACHES DOWN AND PARKIN PASSES HER THE CRISPS. PRATT IS ON HIS BACK A CIDER BARREL TAP IS IN FULL FLOW STRAIGHT INTO PRATTS MOUTH. PARKIN REACHES OVER AND TURNS IT OFF.
DOREEN
There you go, forty pence please sir.
THE PC GIVES HER THE MONEY. BEHIND THE PC IS A COAT RACK. PLACED ON IT IS AGPMG( MACHINE GUN ) AND AN SLR RIFLE. THEY STICK OUT LIKE A SAW THUMB.
PC
Thanks.. right goodnight again, gentlemen.
GRANVILLE IS NOW STANDING IN FRONT OF THE WEAPONS AS THE PC TURNS.
GRANVILLE
Night sir.
THE PC LEAVES THE PUB.
SCENE 16 EXT OUT SIDE THE PUB
THE PC WALKS UP TO THE LAND ROVER. THE SGT IS SITTING IN THE DRIVING SEAT WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING.
SGT
Well?
PC
They’re not in there Sergeant.
SGT
I bet they are, let me go in there, let's search the place.
PC
Sergeant Billings, you can't just barge in there and search the place, I’m telling you they’re not in there, okay?
SGT
Sorry Sir, you're right. Where to next?
PC
Oh, just dwive on, lets find Corporal Clark, and see if he's had any luck.
SGT
Right you are sir
PC
Oh blow it, I'll have some of that whisky now Sergeant
THE SGT LOOKS AT HIM WITH WIDE EYES, AS THE PC GRABS THE FLASK FROM THE DASH. THE SGT PANICS.
SGT
Sir, you can't drink that, its……
PC
Why ever not?
SGT
You just can't. It'll be to strong for you Sir.
PC
Wubbish, it's just what I need to calm my nerves. If I lose these two soldiers, my neck's on the line.
THE PC TAKES A LONG SWIG. THE SGT CRINGES.
PC
Phew…choke… this is stwong stuff, just what the doctor ordered.
HE THEN AMAZINGLY TAKES ANOTHER GULP . HE LIKES IT. THE SERGEANT IS STAIRING OUT THE WINDOW PUZZLED.
PC
Do you want this last dwop Sergeant?
SERGEANT
No Sir, you finish it sir
PC
Sure
SGT
go ahead Sir…
THEY DRIVE ON UP THE ROAD.
SCENE 17 INT PUB
PARKIN AND PRATT SLOWLY RISE FROM BEHIND THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BAR DRUNK.
PRATT
Phew…. for a minute there, I thought you were going to drop us in it Doreen.
DOREEN
Two more beers lads?
PRATT
No, make it two double whisky’s. I’ll buy.
PARKIN
Come on Eddie, it's about time we got a taxi and headed back to camp. I bet the whole Battalion are out looking for us by now.
PRATT
You worry to much.
DOREEN
You won't get a taxi now boy's they won't come all the way out here. The weather's too bad.
PARKIN
That’s great.
PRATT
It looks like we’re walking. Don’t worry Eddie's got it all under control. Here have another drink.
DOREEN IS NOW GETTING REALLY FRESH.
SHE'S GOT HER ARM ROUND PARKIN. HE'S
STARTING TO ENJOY IT.
DOREEN
You can always stop here tonight.
PARKIN DRUNKENLY WHISPERS IN
PRATTS EAR.
PARKIN
Eh Eddie, I reckon I've scored here, she's all over me.
PRATT
I don’t think so.
PARKIN
What do you mean you don’t think so… ah you're
just jealous… Eh shall we stay the night or what?
PRATT
You better ask her husband.
PARKIN
Husband!
PRATT
He's over there.
GRANVILLE IS LOOKING AT PARKIN. HE LOOKS
MAD. PARKIN LETS GO OF DOREEN, IN A PANIC.
PARKIN
Come on Eddie, we're going.
PRATT
That might be a good idea right now.
SCENE INT INSIDE THE SECOND LANDROVER
THE ROVER HAS STOPPED AT A JUNCTION, CPL CLARK IS LOOKING AT HIS MAP. HATTY IS DRIVING.
CPL CLARK
This road shouldn’t be here.
HATTY
I don’t believe it, are you telling me we’re lost again.
WOCKO
You didn’t by any chance work for the council before you joined up did you?
HATTY
No, but he's going to start his own taxi firm when he gets out.
CPL CLARK
Take a right here, no on second thoughts make it a left, no right.
HATTY
Make your mind up, are you sure?
CPL CLARK
I'm telling you its left.
HATTY
Well this river is telling me it's not.
WOCKO
It's alright Hatty, land rover's float, don’t they Corpse?
CPL CLARK
Another word out of you, and you'll be in that bloody river.
WOCKO
Sorry I spoke.
HATTY
That'll be the first wash you've had for a while, Wocko.
CPL CLARK
Turn round and go back the way you came.
SHEEP'S BLEATING SOUNDS ARE COMING FROM THE BACK OF THE ROVER, AS IT DRIVES INTO THE DISTANCE.
SCENE EXT ON A ROAD
PARKIN AND PRATT HAVE LEFT THE PUB AND ARE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD, PISSED AS FARTS, SINGING, ARMS ROUND EACH OTHER. PRATT HAS GOT HIS ARM IN A SLING, SUDDENLY THE SINGING STOPS.
PARKIN
Hold on, do you know where we’re going?
PRATT
No!
PARKIN
Where’s Corporal Clark when you need him?
THEY BOTH LAUGH . THEN PARKIN STARTS TO BE SICK. THEY ARE STUCK OUT LIKE A SAW THUMB ON A HILL SILHOUETED?
NOW WE SEE TWO LAND ROVERS COMING FROM EACH DIRECTION TOWARDS EACH OTHER. THE TWO SETS OF HEADLIGHTS MEET AND PARKIN AND PRATT ARE IN THE MIDDLE, LOOKING LIKE SCARED RABBITS. CORPORAL CLARK GETS OUT OF ONE ROVER, THE PLATOON COMMANDER AND THE SERGEANT THE OTHER, AND WALK TOWARD THE PAIR OF DRUNKS.
PRATT
It looks like our little holidays over, Parky.
PARKY IS STILL BEING SICK.
PC
Where the hell have you two been. We’ve been searching for you all bloody night we've been wowid sick.
SGT
This better be good Pratt.
PRATT
Well… err…. we got sort of lost…. Err….. I slipped in the snow you see, and sprained my ankle. I mean my wrist and by the time I could inform Corporal Clark, he was to far ahead. If it wasn’t for Private Parkin here, staying with me and administering first aid, I’d of probably frozen to death. I was suffering from shock see.
THE PC AND SERGEANT LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
PC
Well it sounds feasible to me Sergeant.
SGT
Bull shit…I’m sorry Sir, but I don’t believe that for one second.
THE SERGEANT CAN SMELL ALCOHOL.
SGT
You two smell like a brewery. You’ve been in the pub, haven’t you?
PRATT
What pub?
PC
Impossible Sergeant, I checked the pub wemember?
SGT
So why do they smell of booze then Sir, and Parkin looks drunk to me.
PRATT
Permission to speak Sir… after saving my life Sir, Private Parkin……
SGT
I’m going to cry in a minute
PC
Will you be quiet Sergeant. Let the man speak.
PRATT
As I was saying, after saving my life, I suddenly realised Parkin himself was going down with exposure. All I could do Sir was to give him a drink, from my hip flask, to warm him up.
PRATT HAS PULLED OUT A LARGE HIP FLASK FROM INSIDE HIS JACKET. THE PC GRABS THE FLASK AND SNIFFS IT. PARKIN IS NOW STAGGERING ABOUT. HE DOESN’T REALLY KNOW WHATS HAPPENING.
SGT
Likely story.
PC
Sergeant can't you see what these men have been though . Look at his rist for cwying out loud, and Parkin is showing all the signs of exposure.
Corporal Clark get these men to the sick bay and give yourself a pat on the back, you’ve got some fine men here.
PRATT AND PARKIN CLUMSLY CLIMB INTO THE BACK OF THE LAND ROVER WITH BUNG'S HELP. THE SGT AND PC ARE WALKING TOWARDS THEIR VEHICLE
WOCKO
Well, did you win?
PRATT
Yeah, he was easy.
WOCKO
Nice one.
SGT
Sir, they’re lying.
PC
Sergeant, why do you continuously disagwee with me?
SGT
I don’t Sir.
PC
Yes, you do.
SGT
I don’t.
PC
You do.
SCENE 20 INT IN HOSPITAL SICK BAY
PARKIN AND PRATT ARE BOTH IN HOSPITAL BEDS IN THE SICK BAY. IT IS MORNING. PRATT HAS HIS ARM STRAPPED UP. PARKIN IS HOLDING HIS HEAD.
PARKIN
What happened last night, my head's throbbing.
PRATT
You’re a hero Parky , you saved my life, remember?
PARKIN STARTS TO REMEMBER AND PANICS.
PARKIN
Oh my god, it's all coming back to me now, we’re in the shit, aren’t we?
PRATT
Stop flapping, it's all under control. We’re on easy street. Stick to our story and we’ll be alright.
SGT BILLINS ENTERS THE ROOM. HE HAS HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK.
PRATT
Hello Sergeant.
SGT
Hello boy's how are you feeling after your little ordeal ?
PARKIN
A lot better Sergeant.
SGT
And you Pratt, how’s your wrist?
PRATT
I’ll live Sergeant.. oh Sergeant you haven’t, you shouldn’t have, you’ve bought us a present haven’t you. What is it ? Grapes, a box of chocolates, a bottle of whisky?
SGT
No, it's something you forgot to pick up last night. Someone kindly left it at the guard room.
THEIR FACES DROP WHEN THE SMILING SERGEANT PRESENTS PRATT WITH HIS POOL TROPHY.
SGT
And don’t worry, I'll fill a bottle of whisky later, and you'll drink every last drop of it… I think you’ve both got some explaining to do,
DURING THE END CREDITS WE SEE PARKIN AND PRATT IN GREEN OVERALLS, ONE BEHIND THE OTHER, BEING MARCHED IN DOUBLE QUICK TIME BY THE SERGEANT, INTO THE GUARD ROOM AND THEN INTO THE CELLS.
END
SYNOPSES OF FUTURE EPISODES
The Platoon Commander takes his men away on a weekends adventure training, they end up sharing the same camp site With a large party of college girls.
EPISODE 3 K.A.P.E TOUR ( KEEP THE ARMY IN
THE PUBLIC EYE)
They have been chosen to represent their Battalion in a recruitment drive which involves a two week tour of the regiments catchment area but thing don’t quite go to plan.
EPISODE 4 ESCAPE AND EVASION
They have to evade capture while carrying out different set
tasks for seven days the section are given a cabbage and a
live chicken on a string to eat. With Corporal Clark at his map reading best they end up totally lost again.
EPISODE 5 THE FIREMEN STRIKE
They are given a Green Goddess (Army standard issue fire engine) Six hours training and sent to protect the city of Derby but they haven't got a clue what they're doing i.e. putting water down the wrong chimney, even their own temporary Fire station catches fire.
EPISODE 6 THE AMBUSH
Whilst on exercise the Platoon have to dig into a defensive position (trench digging) they're tasked to set up an ambush, Corporal Clark and his men are judged on their tactical skills.
ADDITIONAL STUFF
At some time during the running of the sit com a new character is introduced his name is Private Leroy Hutchinson (Hutch, around 25, black)
He has dread locks under his beret and is always listening to music and doesn't really care what is going off around him.
EPISODE 2 PLATOON COMANDERS WEEKEND