A SIT COM
BY
CLIVE WARD
JAMES OLDNALL
RUNNING TIME 30 MINUTES
THREE OUT OF WORK EX STUDENTS LIVE IN A FLAT TOGETHER
CHARACTERS
KEV LATE EARLY 20's FAT LAZY
SHANE
CHANTELLE
LEONARD
OTHERS
POLICEMAN
SCENE 1 INT LIVING ROOM
THE THREE ARE SITTING PLAYING CARDS CHANTELLE HAS ONE CARD KEV IS SMILING AND SHANE HAS A DUMB LOOK ON HIS FACE
KEV
Well… well… well… a royal flush! I win again it looks like you're going to have to lose that bra I'm afraid.
CHANTELLE
Err… are you sure this is how you play strip poker and why have I only got one card?
KEV
Because those are the rules, you bloody women don’t have a clue when it comes to playing cards do you!
CHANTELLE STARTS TO TAKE OFF HER BRA KEV IS GETTING EXCITED SHANE IS STILL LOOKING DUMBLY AT HIS CARDS THEN SMILES AND SLAMS A CARD ON THE TABLE
SHANE
Snap!
CHANTELLE AS HAD ENOUGH AND THROWS HER CARD DOWN
KEV
Chantelle, where are you going? we haven't finished yet
CHANTELLE TURNS AROUND AND COVERS HER NAKEDNESS WITH HER HANDS AND ARMS
CHANTELLE
I'm not playing this stupid game anymore I'm going to get dressed cant you see I'm half naked!
KEV
Well, not really you've got your arm in the way
KEV
Thanks a lot Shane… talk about bad timing
SHANE
What have I done now?
CHANTELLE
So what are you two losers up to today? I hope your not going to doss around the house all day I've got housework to do.
KEV
Well seeing as we are the world greatest super hero's… helpers of the innocent and upholders of law and order…
KEV SITS DOWN ON THE SETTEE AND OPENS A CAN OF BEER
KEV
…I thought we'd stop in and get pissed what do you say Shane
SHANE
Good idea Kev.
KEV
Besides the cars in the garage and we cant be arsed to catch a bus can we Shane?
SHANE
We could always get a taxi?
KEV
Sometimes I wonder about you Shane.
CHANTELLE
So what wrong with the Car?
KEV
The bloke at the garage said the gearbox had gone but I told him it was the clutch, which was faulty.
SHANE
It's a good job you pointed it out to him otherwise it would have taken him twice as long to find the problem! Kev
CHANTELLE
Was the clutch burnt out or was there a problem with the hydraulic system?
THERE'S SILENCE
KEV
United played well yesterday!
KEV IS NOW SWITCHING THE TELE ON WITH THE REMOTE
SHANE
I've come to a decision Kev
KEV
Don’t tell me let me guess your going to lose your virginity
SHANE
No
KEV
What then the suspense is killing me.
SHANE
I'm going to get myself a job
KEV SPURTS HIS DRINK EVERYWHERE
KEV LOOKS AT SHANE IN DISBELIEF
KEV
Why the hell do you want to work when I've taught you everything you want to know!
CHANTELLE
The only thing you've taught him is how to abuse his liver and anyway teaching somebody how to clean window isn’t exactly rocket science is it
KEV COUGHS
KEV
Vision Technicians actually
SHANE
But why aren’t we out there cleaning windows, all we do is sit around the house all day drinking beer and watch old re-runs of bay watch there must be more to life than that.
KEV PICK'S UP A LOAD OF CD'S
KEV
O'k I'll change the beer and I'll get hold of some copies of Ibiza uncut you don’t know what you're saying Shane anyway how can you get a job when we could called out the save the planet any second.
CHANTELLE
Ah! Save the planet… you two! Are we talking about the same so called super heroes who got refused when they tried to join the local neighbourhood watch no I'm sorry boys but this planet is a much safer place without you two morons?
SHANE
Chantelle's right Kev we've been waiting for that twat phone to ring for years.
KEV
I had a job once you know
SHANE
Ah you had a job?
KEV
Yes a highly skilled job it was too! They wanted someone with qualifications
CHANTELLE
So how come they picked you then?
KEV
I got the job because of my superior intellect.
SHANE
So what was this job then Kev?
KEV
Toilet cleaner
CHANTELLE AND SHANE LAUGH LOUDLY
KEV (HE POINTS)
And you can cut that out! It's the only job I've had and I got the sack in the first week
SHANE
What for?
KEV
I didn’t realise you weren't meant to clean the ladies toilets… well not while they were still sat on them anyway
THE PHONE RINGS SHANE ANSWERS IT
SHANE
Hello… holy chicken madras ok we'll be right there
KEV
What is it Shane?
SHANE
A plain load of table top dancers have crashed on a desert Island and they wanted rescuing
KEV
You're having me on
SHANE
Yeah I am… Chantelle it's for you
CHANTELLE
Hello… oh no that’s terrible… why… I can't believe it oh my god that’s just awful!
CHANTELLE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN KEV IS NOW HOLDING CHANTELLE
KEV
Oh no… no…don't tell me the pub across the road is closing down isn't it?
CHANTELLE
No it's a lot worse than that.
KEV
The curry house has stopped doing free deliveries haven't they haven't they?
CHANTELLE
No my aerobics class as been cancelled!
KEV AND SHANE LOOK DUMBLY AT EACH OTHER THEY ARE BOTH SILENT
CHANTELLE
Great that means I can go out with my new boyfriend tonight
KEV
Boyfriend… you… since when?
CHANTELLE
What's up aren't I aloud to have a boyfriend or something?
THERE'S SILENCE
SHANE
Tell her Kev
KEV
Tell her what?
SHANE
You know that little chat we had!
KEV
Oh that! You tell her
CHANTELLE
Well I'm waiting
SHANE
Err we always though you were a homosexual
KEV
A lesbian you idiot.
CHANTELLE
Me a lesbian! And how did you come to that conclusion?
KEV
After knowing you all these years we've often wondered why you've never made a play for one of us? Haven't we Shane?
SHANE
Yeah or even both of us we don’t mind sharing do we Kev!
CHANTELLE
How could I ever fancy such a pair of sad morons like you two?
THEIRS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR CHANTELLE ANSWERS IT
KNOCK KNOCK
CHANTELLE APPEARS WITH LEONARD KEV AND SHANE OPEN CANS OF ALE AND START WATCHING THE TELEVISION
CHANTELLE
Cough! Boys this is Leonard, my new boyfriend
LEONARD
nice to meet you
SHANE BURPS
KEV AND SHANE ARE NOT INTERESTED.
LEONARD HAS HIS ARM ROUND CHANTELLE SHE SMILES.
LEONARD
I hope you two have been looking after my beautiful princess!
CHANTELLE
Oh Leonard, stop it!
KEV
So Len, I hope you'll be able to support pussy women in the manner she's used to! What do you do for a living?
CHANTELLE
Leonard is the managing director of a large brewery
KEV STANDS UP AND OFFERS LEN HIS SEAT
KEV
Why didn't you say so Shane let Leonard sit down … Chantelle go and put the kettle on.
CHANTELLE WHISPERS IN KEV'S EAR
CHANTELLE
And don’t you two go embarrassing me! I'm very fond of Leonard
CHANTELLE EXITS THE ROOM
KEV
Smoke Leonard?
LEONARD
Oh cheers
KEV
So Len…you don’t mind me calling you Len do you?
LEONARD
No go ahead
KEV
Len… Lenny mate… any chance of getting hold of any freebies?
LEONARD
Freebies? Oh no that's against company policy! We have a strict stock control at our brewery
KEV SNATCHES THE CIGARETTE BACK OFF LEONARD, LEONARD IS SHOCKED
KEV
Well in that case then give me that back and get out of that chair and if you think you're getting your hands on my Chantelle forget it
SHANE LOOKS CONFUSED
LEONARD
Who do you think you are? Get your hands off me I want to speak to Chantelle
KEV
Well you cant
LEONARD
Says who?
KEV IS MAN HANDLING HIM OUT OF THE DOOR
KEV
Now get out my house go on and don’t come back if you know what's good for.
KEV SLAMS THE DOOR
KEV
The cheeks getting our hopes up like that!
SHANE
Yeah who does he think he is he's got no consideration for other peoples feelings
CHANTELLE WALKS BACK IN WITH A TRAY OF TEA
CHANTELLE
Here you go err… where's Leonard?
KEV
He had to go he said he was sorry but he forgot he had a very important meeting
CHANTELLE
Rubbish he wouldn't just go like that, not without saying goodbye to me first you're not a very good liar are you,
what happened?
SHANE
Err well err you see I …
KEV
I told him to piss off
CHANTELLE DROPS THE TRAY OF TEA ON THE FLOOR SHE IS ANGRY
CHANTELLE
You had no right to do that he's my boyfriend why did you kick him out?
KEV AND SHANE LOOK AT EACH OTHER
KEV
Err… he tried it on with Shane
SHANE
That’s right he did… he did
KEV
He tried to kiss him
SHANE LOOKS AT KEV
SHANE
He tried to kiss me?
KEV
He had his hand down his shorts
SHANE
Yeah… Eh?
CHANTELLE
Rubbish KEV you just can't stand the thought of me having a boy friend can you? I better go after him he probably doesn't want anything to do with me anymore thanks to you pair of clowns
CHANTELLE STORMS OFF
KEV
Oi what about cleaning up this mess
THE DOOR SLAMS
SHANE
When did he have his hand down my shorts?
KEV
Shut up Shane
THEY BOTH SIT DOWN
SHANE
What's up with you how come you're so pissed off
KEV IS TAPPING HIS HEAD
KEV
Think stupid, if Chantelle really likes that ponce she'll move out and live with him and you know what that means don’t you?
SHANE
We won't be able to peep at her undressing through the crack in the door no more?
KEV
No we'll have no one to clean the house and cook our dinner do the ironing the list is endless we've gotta get back in her good books
KEV NOW HAS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND IS THINKING
SHANE
Holly housework KEV you're right what are we going to do? Are you using your super mental powers to think of a solution?
KEV
No I've got a headache go and get me an aspirin from the kitchen
SHANE
Ok… Err hold on a sec where is the kitchen
KEV
You see we're totally useless without our Chantelle
KEV JUMPS UP AND PUTS HIS HAND IN THE AIR
KEV
Got it!
JUST THEN THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR
KEV
Door Shane
SHANE
Door Chantelle
F.X. KNOCK… KNOCK… KNOCK
KEV
Is she deaf or what Chantelle the door
WE HEAR A VOICE COMING OUT OF THE LETTER BOX
CHANTELLE
It's me open the door
KEV OPENS THE DOOR CHANTELLE WALKS STRAIGHT PAST THEM TO HER ROOM SHE'S NOT VERY HAPPY
CHANTELLE
That’s it I've had it with you two I'm going to my room
CHANTELLE GOES TO HER ROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR
KEV
HUMPH! Women! I just don’t understand them sometimes Shane
SHANE
Yeah! Especially those French birds… can't understand a bloody word
KEV
Shane shut up
SHANE
Sorry!
KEV
Right where was I plan A
SCENE 2:INT LIVING ROOM LATER
LATER AND SHANE IS STANDING THERE HOLDING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS
SHANE
Will these do KEV? I hope this is going to work I really feel bad about taking them and I nearly got caught.
KEV
Since when have you had a conscience? And anyway they aren't going to miss them they're dead
KEV KNOCKS ON CHANTELLE'S DOOR
KEV
Cooee!… Chantelle close your eyes I've got a lovely surprise for you
CHANTELLE
Go away
KEV KNOCKS AGAIN AND WINKS AT SHANE
CHANTELLE
What?
KEV
Don’t you want to have a look what it is?
CHANTELLE OPENS THE DOOR SHE'S BEEN CRYING
CHANTELLE
Oh are those for me? Thanks boys this is the first time you've ever bought me flowers maybe you're turning into a more caring flat mates?
KEV
What ever are you going to make our tea now or what?
CHANTELLE
Oh and a card to?
KEV LOOKS WORRIED CHANTELLE READS THE CARD
CHANTELLE
In loving memory to my dear wife may she rest in peace?
CHANTELLE SLAMS THE DOOR ON THEM AGAIN WHICH CHOPS THE FLOWERS OFF
KEV
Drat! Oh well never mind time for plan B
CHANTELLE COMES OUT OF HER ROOM CARRYING A CASE AND WALKS PAST THEM BOTH
KEV
Where are you going?
CHANTELLE
I'm leaving I'm going to stay with my sister
KEV
But you cant
CHANTELLE
Can't I you watch me we'll see how you manage without me shall we, move out of my way please?
CHANTELLE SLAMS THE FRONT DOOR
SHANE
She's gone what are we going to do now; we'll starve to death.
KEV
Shut up I' thinking
SHANE
So what's plan B KEV
KEV
Get on the phone and order a pizza
SHANE
Good thinking
SHANE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND STARTS TO DIAL KEV LOOKS ON
SHANE
Four extra large meat feast pizzas please…What no way
KEV
What is it?
SHANE
You better sit down
SHANE SPEAKS IN A BROKEN UPSET VOICE
SHANE
The pizza delivery vans broken down they cant deliver our pizza
KEV BREAKS DOWN AND SOBS
SHANE
Well you know what they say it comes in threes
KEV
And how did you work that out Chantelle has left us the pizza vans broken down I make that two
SHANE
The batteries in the TV remote control have run out
KEV
Oh god what next
SHANE
Come on KEV you must be strong
THEN KEV BREAKS OUT OF HIS SOBBING AND STANDS TALL
KEV
There's only one thing for it lets go out and get totally Rat arsed!
SCENE 3:INT LIVING ROOM
SOMETIME LATER WE SEE KEV SNORING ON THE SOFA THERE ARE BEER CANS EVERYWHERE WE DON’T SEE SHANE. KEV WAKES UP YAWNING
KEV
Yawn! Shane have you cooked any breakfast yet?
SUDDENLY SHANE'S HEAD APPEARS FROM OUT OF THE MASS OF BEER CANS
SHANE
Owe… god that was one hell of a piss up. What time is it?
KEV LOOKS AT HIS WATCH
KEV
Err… Thursday
SHANE
Six days on the piss that’s got to be a record
KEV
Holy Hoover bags Shane look at the state of this place what we need is a woman around the here to clean this mess up
KEV PICKS UP THE PHONE
SHANE
Who are you calling?
KEV
Who do you think Chantelle to ask her to come back?
SHANE
She isn't going to come back just like that she left us remember
KEV
Chantelle how are you it's Kev here err I got a little emergency err I was wondering and I need you round here pronto
WE NOW SEE CHANTELLE CRYING AT THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE
CHANTELLE
Oh its you I thought it might be Leonard
KEV
Chantelle why are you crying?
CHANTELLE
Sniff… oh well you might as well know Leonard dumped me thanks to you
KEV PUTS HIS HAND OVER THE PHONE AND TURNS TO SMILE AT SHANE
KEV
That ponce Leonard's dumped her.
SHANE SMILES KEV IS BACK ON THE PHONE
KEV
Oh my god that’s awful
CHANTELLE
Thank you for caring it's nice to know who my real friends are
KEV
No! I mean it's awful that you cant come round we're out of beer and the house could do with a bit of clean up
CHANTELLE
What? You insensitive fat bastard why don’t you piss off
CHANTELLE SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN
KEV
Touchy cow she must have the painters and decorators in
SHANE
You should have asked them to pop round here this place could do with a lick of paint
KEV
Shane go back to sleep
THEY BOTH DRIFT BACK TO SLEEP
SCENE 4 INT. CLEAN LIVING ROOM
CHANTELLE IS SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM READING A WOMANS OWN KEV WALKS IN WEARING A PINAFORE HOLDING A TRAY OF CREAM CAKES AND A POT OF TEA
KEV
I've brought you another cup of tea and a chocolate bun Chantelle
CHANTELLE
Good boy… before you do the dusting, wash this plate up, then do the laundry, cheers
KEV HAS A FEATHER DUSTER IN HIS HAND
KEV
Okey dokey
SUDDENLY KEV WAKES UP AND REALISES IT WAS A DREAM
KEV
Arrrgh!… Oh my god what a night mare… where the hells Shane
SCENE 5 INT. KITCHEN
KEV WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN HE SEES SHANE STANDING BY THE WASHING MACHINE IT IS SPINNING
KEV
Morning Shane you’re up early… shit the bed
SHANE
Yep! I'm just washing the sheets the smell was making my eyes water
KEV
Shane I had this terrible dream I dreamt… holy housework Shane what are you doing?
SHANE
Err… that vindaloo went straight through me, so I thought I'd
KEV
No I meant what the hell are you up to doing the washing that’s women's work I think you and me need a serious chat my boy
KEV PUTS HIS HAND ON SHANES SHOULDER
KEV
You see Shane women love to clean up and do house work
SHANE
Do they?
KEV
Of course why else do you think god put them on this earth?
SHANE
To work on the tills in supermarkets?
KEV
Yeah well that as well, but Shane it is written that women should serve man cook clean and look after the kids
SHANE
Where's that written then?
KEV
Err… on the wall of the bogs in the high street
SHANE
Oh yeah that’s next to the poem about your mother
KEV
What?
SHANE
I was joking… anyway I don’t know why you're telling me all this. Chantelle has left us remember.
KEV
I’ve got an idea why don’t you pretend you're Chantelle for a few days until she comes crawling back
SHANE
Why Me?
KEV
Why not, it's got its perks? You get to wear her lingerie
SHANE
It’s a deal
SHANE EXITS THE ROOM
KEV
Holy Pantyhose Shane that’s just given me another amazing idea… yes that'll work… brilliant Shane… Shane! Where's he got too?
SHANE RE-APPEARS WITH A RANGE OF CHANTELLE'S PANTIES
SHANE
What do you think the red or the blue?
SCENE 6 INT CHANTELLE'S SISTERS LIVING ROOM
CHANTELLE IS LAYING ON THE SOFA THE PHONE RINGS SHE ANSWERS IT
CHANTELLE
Hello oh its you
KEV
Hi Chantelle how are you?
CHANTELLE
Me I'm ok, oh did I tell you Leonard and me have made up we are back together again no thanks to you oh just a minute…
LEONARD APPEARS WEARING AN APRON HOLDING A TRAY WITH TEA AND CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS ON IT
CHANTELLE
Just put them down there sweetheart
CHANTELLE IS BACK ON THE PHONE
CHANTELLE
So what do you want?
KEV
When are you coming back?
CHANTELLE
Never in a million years, after the way you've treated Leonard and me find yourselves another slave of a flat mate
KEV
Shane's left me!
CHANTELLE
Why what happened
KEV
Oh he went all weird on me you know started doing housework and stuff
A VOICE COMES FROM THE BEDROOM
SHANE
Eh Kev help me clip this bra up will you
CHANTELLE
I thought you said he'd left you
KEV
She has I mean he has that was my girl friend Linda you heard just now
CHANTELLE
You mean you have girlfriend?
KEV
That’s right she's living with me now so I was wondering if you and Leonard would like to come around for few drinks and a meal to clear the air lets say around eight o'clock
CHANTELLE
Err go on then but this better not be one of your stupid jokes… go on then we'll be there at eight
SCENE 6 INT. LIVING ROOM
KEV LOOKS OVER AT SHANE WHO'S JUST WALKED IN FROM THE BEDROOM DRESSED AS A WOMAN.
KEV
You know Shane if I didn't know you were a man I'd give you one.
SHANE
This idea of yours better work Kev I find dressing up like this very uncomfortable
KEV
I thought you liked wearing woman's clothes
SHANE
1 do but this thongs cutting me in half
KEV
Shane seeing as you're dressed as a woman
SHANE
Yeah!
KEV
And with me being a man how about…
SHANE
No way forget it don’t even go there
KEV
Go where
SHANE
You know what I mean I not doing this to act out your fantasies piss off
KEV
Come on why not it'll only be a one off
SHANE
Get away from me you nonce
KEV
What's up with you it won't kill you to heat up a can of beans and slap it on a round of toast now will it?
SHANE
Oh I thought!
KEV
You thought what? Oh my god surely you didn't think I… I feel sick
SHANE
It was the way you were talking I thought you were coming on to me
KEV
Just go and make me some beans on toast
SHANE WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN BUT THEN POPS HIS HEAD ROUND THE DOOR
SHANE
So you don’t fancy me then?
KEV THROWS HALF A CAN OF BEER AT HIM
SCENE 7 INT. THE PARTY
FX KNOCK KNOCK
KEV
Right remember the plan, you're my new girlfriend Linda the minute Chantelle walks out of the room I want you to get off with Leonard… Chantelle catches you two at it and bingo she dumps that nonce Leonard on the spot and she comes back to live with us ok
You got that?
KNOCK KNOCK
SHANE
Err I think so!
KEV
Right I'll get the door you come out the bedroom and I'll introduce you
KEV OPENS THE DOOR
KEV
Lenny, Chantelle come in
CHANTELLE
His name's Leonard and before we step through this door I want you to apologise for the way you treated Leonard last week
KEV
Yeah sorry Lenny… Leonard old mate no hard feelings
CHANTELLE
So where's this new girlfriend of yours I'm dying to meet her let me guess in the kitchen preparing dinner you don’t change do you Kev
KEV STOPS CHANTELLE FROM ENTERING THE KITCHEN
KEV
No she Isn't actually I do all the cooking now in fact its me who's prepared tonight's meal now you make yourselves comfortable and I'll see what's taking him… her.
KEV CLEARS THE SOFA OF BEER CANS AND OLD PIZZA BOXES FOR CHANTELLE AND LEONARD TO SIT DOWN
KEV
Sit down make yourself at home I’ll see what’s keeping her
SCENE 8 INT. BEDROOM
KEV THEN ENTERS THE BEDROOM SHANE IS HALF DRESSED WEARING BRA AND UNDER SKIRT HE QUICKLY COVERS HIMSELF UP IN A PANIC
KEV
Aren't you ready yet? Come on get a move on
SHANE
Do you mind! do you always barge into a woman's room while she’s getting dressed?
KEV
What are you covering yourself up for you're not a woman remember you're acting
SHANE
It's no good Kev I can't do it I can't go through with it!
She’ll know it’s me I know she will
KEV
No she won't look in that mirror and what do you see?
SHANE
A sad transvestite forget it I'm not doing it
KEV
You've got to do it do you want Chantelle back or what?
SHANE
Yes but!
KEV
But what?
SHANE
Promise you won't laugh if I tell you
KEV
Cause not
SHANE
Promise
KEV
Promise
SHANE
I actually like wearing women's clothes and it scare's me
KEV STARTS TO LAUGH LOUDLY
SHANE
You promised you wouldn't laugh
KEV STOPS LAUGHING AND PUTS ON A SERIOUS
FACE
KEV
So!
SHANE
So does that make me gay?
KEV
No don’t be silly a little strange maybe anyway all blokes like
Wearing women's clothes
SHANE
They do?
KEV
Of course I often wear women's garments underneath my clothes
SHANE
You know I do as well
KEV COUGHS
KEV
Only when Chantelle forgets to wash my underpants of course
SHANE
Of course me to
KEV
Well are you going to go through with this or what?
SHANE
No!
JUST THEN THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR
CHANTELLE
Is everything all right in there?
KEV
Yes we’ll be out in a second
KEV
Right Shane get in bed
SHANE LOOKS AT KEV HE HAS A WORRIED
LOOK ON HIS FACE
SHANE
Why what are you going to do to me?
KEV IS PULLING SHANE BY THE ARM
KEV
Get in bed
SHANE
Get away from me you weirdo
KEV
I'm not going to do anything to you… I'm going to tell pussy you've
got an headache… and you don’t feel to well.
SHANE
And then what?
KEV
Don’t worry I've got an idea that might just work… all I have to do
is get Lenny boy on is own.
SCENE 9 INT. LIVING ROOM
CHANTELLE
Is she ok in there? Is there anything I can do?
KEV
She's got a really bad headache err… you couldn't nip down the shop
Could you?
CHANTELLE
I suppose so what does she need pain killers
KEV
No I want you to get us a dozen cans of larger we're completely out
oh yeah good idea some pain killers I think I've got an headache
coming on you better get two packets, a packet for Linda aswell.
CHANTELLE PUTS HER HAND OUT FOR SOME MONEY
KEV
What? Oh yeah
KEV REACHES INTO HIS POCKETS THEY'RE
EMPTY
KEV
Would you believe it…? I spent the last money I had on the meal
I've prepared.
CHANTELLE
Oh it doesn't matter I've got some money
LEONARD
Do you want me to go with you dear?
KEV
No! I mean you stay here Leonard it will give us chance to get to
know each other better
LEONARD
Are you sure?
KEV
Yes she's sure, now run along Chantelle, Leonard you can help me serve
up that dinner.
CHANTELLE EXIT
KEV NOW STANDS NERVOUSLY OVER LEONARD
WHO IS READING THE PAPER. HE THEN SITS DOWN
AND STARES AT LEONARD WHO LOOKS BACK AT KEV.
LEONARD
Is there something a matter? Have you got a problem?
KEV
No… I was err thinking about how lucky you are having a girl like
Chantelle
LEONARD
Put it this way I think she's better off with me than living with you.
KEV
I'm sure she is
PAUSE
LEONARD
And she'll have anything she wants
KEV
Now hold on a minute Lenny boy we gave Chantelle everything that she
ever wanted while she lived under this roof
LEONARD
Oh yeah like what?
KEV
Like err… a washing machine, new cooker, iron, Hoover need I go on
LEONARD
You just don’t understand do you?
KEV
Phew! Can you smell that? Oh my god that’s the dinner burning.
KEV DISAPPEARS INTO THE KITCHEN LEONARD
SMILES AND NODS HIS HEAD
KEV
Leonard, give me a hand in the kitchen will you
LEONARD GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND WALKS INTO
THE KITCHEN WHERE KEV IS WAITING FOR HIM TO HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH AN EMPTY
SAUCEPAN
FX BANG
KEV GOES RUNNING OUT OF THE KITCHEN
TOWARDS THE BEDROOM WHERE HE MEETS SHANE
AT THE BEDROOM DOOR.
KEV
I've done it
SHANE
Done what?
KEV
Quick give me a hand with the body
SHANE
Kev what have you done?
WE NOW HEAR THEIR VOICES ONLY COMING FROM
THE KITCHEN
SHANE
My god Kev, what have you done?
KEV
It's ok I'll buy a new frying pan its not the end of the world
SHANE
No Leonard, what have you done to Leonard he's not dead is he?
KEV
No he's just sleeping quick give me a hand before Chantelle comes back
THEY ARE NOW CARRYING HIM OUT OF THE KITCHEN
THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM WE NOW SEE THEM
SHANE HAS HIS HEAD KEV HIS FEET
SHANE
So what happens now Kev?
KEV
Simple we put him in bed with you and when Chantelle comes back she Catches you simulating sex with him
SHANE DROPS LEONARD THE HEAD END ON THE FLOOR WITH A LOUD BUMP
SHANE
Now just a minute here what do you mean by simulating sex with
Him?
KEV
Simulating, acting, making it look as though you're having sex with
him so Chantelle thinks he's unfaithful
SHANE
Why can't you do it?
KEV
Because I'm not dressed as a woman you are?
SHANE LOOKS CONFUSED
SHANE
But I'm not a woman I'm a man how can I have sex with him if I'm a
Man.
KEV
Shane shut up just grab hold of him Chantelle will be back any second
SCENE TEN INT.BEDROOM
THEY PICK HIM UP AND CARRY HIM INTO THE
BEDROOM THEN SHANE DROPS HIM AGAIN
SHANE
I've got it why don’t we dress him as a woman then that would be
Right wouldn't it?
SHANE
If it shuts you up get on with it you do what you want?
THEY NOW PICK HIM UP AND PUT HIM ON THE BED THE DOOR BELL RINGS
KEV
She’s here I’ll stall her while set it up
SCENE ELEVEN INT. LIVING ROOM
CHANTELLE
Where is everyone Leonard, Kev
WE HEAR KEV'S VOICE COMING FROM THE
KITCHEN
KEV
I'm in the kitchen Chantelle serving up the dinner, Leonard went into the bedroom to check on Linda
CHANTELLE PUTS HER BAG DOWN AND ENTERS THE
BEDROOM WE HEAR A SCREAM
SCENE TWELVE INT. BEDROOM
KEV IS NOW STANDING IN THE DOOR WAY
DISGUSTED CHANTELLE IS HIDING HER EYES
CHANTELLE
Leonard how could you
KEV
Linda you two timing hussy
WE SEE SHANE AND LEONARD IN A LOVING
EMBRACE
SHANE
He… he tried to Stimulate me I couldn't stop him
LEONARD
Where am I what's happening I don’t understand who are you?
KEV
Don’t come the I've lost my memory bit with me it wont wash both
of you get out this house now before I do something I regret
KEV GRABS THEM BOTH SHANE AND LEONARD
AND ESCORTS THEM TO THE DOOR
LEONARD
Get off me what are you doing I don’t understand?
HE NOW PUSHES THEM BOTH OUT OF THE DOOR
KEV
And I hope you'll both be very happy
KEV SHUTS THE DOOR
KEV
There that told them
HE TURNS TO CHANTELLE WHO IS SITTING UPSET ON THE SOFA WE HEAR A KNOCK AT THE DOOR KEV TURNS AND OPENS THE DOOR TO SHANE
SHANE
Are you going to let me in its freezing out here?
KEV
Go away you idiot you'll mess everything up if Chantelle finds out it's you
SHANE
But where am I going to go I cant walk around like this all night I'll get arrested?
KEV
Here’s the keys to the fat mobile stay in there for a few hours and when it's safe I'll come down and fetch you ok?
SHANE
And what do I do with him?
LEONARD IS STILL SEMI-CONSCIOUS
KEV
I don’t know but I'm sure you'll think of something
KEV STARTS TO RAISE HIS VOICE
KEV
I'm sorry Linda but its over between us you were caught red handed its over accept it’s over good-bye
KEV SLAMS THE DOOR AGAIN
CHANTELLE
I suppose you're going to kick me out now aren't you?
KEV
Don't be silly we'd have you back here tomorrow
CHANTELLE
Would you? Hold me Kev I’m sorry about all this mess I wish I could turn the clock back…
KEV SMILES AND CUDDLES HER
CHANTELLE
Hold on what do you mean we… I thought you said Shane had left?
KEV
He has I mean he did but I bet he'd come back straight away if he knew you were back
CHANTELLE
Where did he go?
KEV
Christ knows? He’s probably up to no good you know Shane
SCENE THIRTEEN EXT. STREET
WE SEE SHANE AND LEONARD IN THE FAT MOBILE LEONARD IS MOANING STARTING TO COME ROUND PASSERS BY THINK IT’S A COURTING COUPLE
SHANE
Oh shit he's coming round
LEONARD
Will someone tell me why I'm sitting in this freezing cold car wearing nothing but a pair of women's under garments?
LEONARD
And who the hell are you?
SHANE
Well err I was going to come to that
JUST THEN THEIRS A KNOCK ON THE CAR WINDOW SHANE WINDS DOWN THE WINDOW A POLICEMAN STANDS THERE
SHANE
Hello officer nice evening
THE OFFICER SHINES HIS TORCH AT THEM BOTH
SHANE
Err we've been to a stag night
OFFICER
Oh yeah which ones the bride
SCENE FOURTEEN INT. LIVING ROOM
CHANTELLE
So you'll let me move back in tonight?
KEV
Why of course but only on one condition
CHANTELLE
And what's that?
KEV
You make me a nice bacon sandwich just like the old days
CHANTELLE
I'd love to
CHANTELLE WANDERS INTO THE KITCHEN KEV OPENS A CAN OF ALE HAPPY WITH HIM SELF
KEV
Oh you couldn't give it a bit of a tidy round while you're in there could you
CHANTELLE
It’s nice to be back what happened to the frying pan?
SCENE FIFTEEN INT. KITCHEN
CHANTELLE IS STANDING IN THE KITCHEN THE PLACE IS A REAL MESS THEN THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR KEV PANIC'S
KEV
It's ok I'll get it
SCENE SIXTEEN INT. LIVING ROOM
KEV OPENS THE DOOR TO THE POLICE MAN LEONARD AND SHANE
OFFICER
Are these two love birds yours sir
CHANTELLE COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN SHE DOESN'T SEE THEM STRAIGHT AWAY
CHANTELLE
Kev why is there a massive dent in this frying pan…oh my god Leonard, Shane
LEONARD
I remember now that’s what he hit me with
OFFICER
I'll tell you what lets all go down the station I think we've all got some explaining to do
SCENE SIXTEEN INT. LIVING ROOM
THE MORNING AFTER BACK AT THE FLAT NOW WE SEE KEV AND SHANE WALKING IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR DRESSED THE SAME AS THE NIGHT BEFORE
SHANE
Any more bright idea's Kev we'll never get Chantelle back now the only thing we've ended up with is caution for wasting Police time and I’ve been charged with drink driving and I can’t even drive.
KEV
It could have been worse, if they 'd have believed Leonard's stupid concocted story
SHANE
Yes but Chantelle did and now we'll never get her back
KEV PUTS HIS HAND ON SHANE'S LEG SHANE LOOKS WORRIED
KEV
Yes but we've got each other haven't we?
SHANE LOOKS AT KEV AND THEN THERE IS KNOCK AT THE DOOR
KEV
That'll be the door
SHANE
I'll get it
HE OPENS THE DOOR TO CHANTELLE SHE HAS HER SUIT CASE
SHANE
Kev it's Chantelle
KEV
Chantelle your back
CHANTELLE
Yes it’s me and I'm moving back in… well are you going to just stand there or are you going to give me a hand with this suit case?
SHANE
Has Leonard kicked you out?
CHANTELLE
No but his landlord has he hasn't been paying his rent
KEV
But I thought he had a top Job at the Brewery
CHANTELLE
He did have he's been made redundant
KEV
Oh we're sorry to hear that, aren't we Shane
SHANE
Yeah gutted
LEONARD APPEARS WITH HIS SUIT CASE
CHANTELLE
I'm moving back in on one condition Leonard moves in with me I'm sure that isn’t too much to ask after what you put him though.
KEV AND SHANE LOOK AT EACH OTHER DUMB STRUCK LEONARD IS STRUGGLING WITH HIS SUIT CASE AND SHOPPING, CHANTELLE DISAPPEARS INTO THE BEDROOM
LEONARD
I've bought you some shopping I thought I might as well contribute seeing as I'll be your new flat mate err could someone give me a hand with these bags they're very heavy?
KEV AND SHANE ARE HOLDING CANS OF ALE
KEV
We’d love to Leonard but we’ve got our hands full
LEONARD
That’s ok guy I can manage
LEONARD TRIPS OVER SOME EMPTY BEER CANS THE SHOPPING GOES EVERY WHERE LEONARD IS FLAT OUT COLD ON THE FLOOR
KEV
Don’t just lay their shut the door
SHANE
He's fallen over Kev I hope he hasn't broken anything
KEV INSPECTS THE CONTENTS OF THE SHOPPING AND PULLS OUT AN EGG TRAY AND CHECKS IT
KEV
Nah! It's all right look all the eggs are still in one piece
SHANE
Shouldn't we help him out Kev?
KEV
You're right Shane there's more at stake here than a few poxy eggs
KEV AND SHANE PICK UP THE SHOPPING AND WALK OFF INTO THE KITCHEN
KEV
Let's get these beers in the fridge before they get warm
SHANE
Too right
CHANTELLE WALKS IN TO SEE HER LEONARD ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR
CHANTELLE
Oh not again!
End
CHANTELLE ENTERS AN EMPTY LIVING ROOM
AGE 30'S SNOBBY NERD CHANTELLE'S BOYFRIENDAGE MID 20's SEXY CLEVER NORMALAGE MID 20's THIN LAZY AND A BIT DUMB