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Steven Wright Quotes

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out... If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing... I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out".... I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen. I invented the cordless extension cord. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you? When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car... I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone. I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen. I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far'. Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day...

in Steven Wright

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